Hi Grace,

Hope you're having a good day!

So my husband and I both agreed that my biggest LB's were DJ's and AO's. Earlier this morning I sent him my plan and what I was going to do to prevent my LB's. Honestly I don't think I'll have a hard time controlling my AO's. They are usually a defense mechanism to feeling attacked and I know I can control it. As far as DJ's I do have a plan set in place. It takes awhile to really get used to wording things properly and will take some time. Both H and I have done a good job at respectfully pointing them out to one another over the last few days.

It's been a great day! Sunshine, healthy kids, no major fights. Not too much to complain about. I did start off the day with a confusing incident with H. He is on jury duty today so we resorted to texting for communication. Initially the first few texts were fine, but led to us discussing "expectations, affection, etc" ... We both decided we needed to chat in person so I really can't comment on the subject until I see how we try to discuss and resolve.

This is great Tgrace! So glad your having a better day today!

**edit**

Rest assured that I fully support MB in terms of its success rate, and I have boughten almost every book available here .. so I am in NO way trying to distract from MB .. just trying to provide another source of information that was very benificial to my own relationship.

MNG

A reminder to posters to stick to Marriage Builders. Thank you.

Tgrace, I posted to Hill that you two should repeat what each other says. Often there is a disconnect between what is meant and what is said.

So, you say, "......"
And he responds with "okay. I hear you saying...."

Then you confirm or rephrase to sya what you mean. And visa versa.

And do your best to meet each others ENs. And no LBing. Call each other on it as soon as it is happening without being hateful about it.

Remember that both LBs and going without your needs being met cause resentment.

Yep! I'm going to make sure tonight is a good night. I'm in a good mood and want to continue with that.

MNG

Don't worry I got it and wrote it down. I'll check it out later tonight or in the am. Strange, how come your Maca Root suggestion didn't get modified? Hmmmm. PS the jury is still out on Maca Root with the breast feeding.

Hi Grace,

I'm so glad to hear your day is going so well! Keep up the good work. Kilted had a great suggestion in repeating what Hill says so you're sure to be on the same page.

MNG,

Thank you BTW for your suggestion of Maca Root. I started taking Zoloft back in December and it was killing my libido and my energy. I was soo tired ALL the time. I think I'm 8 days in, and while I'm still after work, it's nowhere near as bad and my libido IS coming back. It could also be how wonderful hubby has been, I'm sure it has something to do with it!

This is something, Grace. Not very many couples this early on can respectfully point out LB to each other face to face AND respectfully accept being told they are love busting (hence the LB forms).

How is the UA time going?

Glad you got it before it got "modded" And I myself am still not sure about breast feeding. One thing to mention tho about the herbal supplement is that people in Peru eat it almost every day like potatoes and in bread, kids .. adults ... etc. If i find anything on the subject I will be sure to post it.


No problem! It had such an impact on my wife and I that I can not help but share its results with others! And yes having your hubby be wonderful DEF helps!

Keep up the great work Tgrace! You and Hill are coming along great! Takes some practice to be consistant .. but eventually all the new habits will form and it will feel as though you always were that way and history will be rewritten in a positive light!

MNG

So it's been five days without explosive episodes! Hooray!! I think there have definitely been some misunderstandings and a few "mini stew" faces, but overall not too shabby. I feel much better going into this weekend than I did with last weekend. Too bad last weekend sucked.

I also think H has got more sex in the past three weeks than he did in the past two months. My sex drive magically came back after I became mentally/emotionally attached to my husband on our good days we had with each other. He became attractive and I wanted to have sex with him. There have definitely been comments that H has said that I was thinking really I don't get turned on by those comments, hence his sarcasm. Still a work in progress.

So I have a question as to whether or not hobbies are considered independent behavior. For example I love gardening and were gonna hit the nursery and pick up a few plants tomorrow. I love to garden and H could care less about foo foo flowers. He likes to help me pick them out, but that's where it ends. So he's not enthusiastic about most of the stuff that interests me because we just have different personalities. So do I ditch everything, that doesn't sound right? Where do you draw the line? You see I'm a pretty active individual who loves to be social and who has a ton of hobbies and projects I love to do (although I was a hermit over the last few weeks with all of our problems). I've put a lot of things on hold when the baby first arrived so I wasn't so worn out all the time, but now I'm craving my hobbies/activities again. In the past I was able to BALANCE everything with kids, social life and keeping HUBBY HAPPY.

I know I talked to H about going to the gym and working out together (we've usually gone to the gym together, but worked out separately). I'll give it a try! Although in the past it was lecturing when it came to lifting weights (trust me I know what I'm doing I take very good care of my body and I LOVE weights). We've agreed we would have fun and no lecturing would happen again. So I know we can do several hobbies and activities together, but it's just not realistic to do everything together or enjoy every single thing your spouse enjoys.

Thats awesome Tgrace! SOOO glad to hear that things are finally starting to "click".

As for the Hobbies .. I would POJA that. If he is enthusiastic about you doing some gardening.. then its all good! Just ask him. Maybe even invite him playfully to garden with you ... sitting side by side diggin holes and putting plants in and seeds in the ground is a great oppertunity for some intimate conversation!

Keep up the great work! I am very excited about your progress thus far.

MNG

What ^ said about POJAing hobbies. As an example, I play indoor soccer which my wife is fine with so long as it's not taking time away from the family. So I changed when I played to late on Friday and Saturday nights when she and the kids are sleeping.

Your husband is prob like me in that I like the way flowers and plants make the yard look but I could careless about actually getting down and digging in the dirt to plant them. But I'd be more than happy to go out and help her a bit or at least chat with her while she planted. Maybe you two can even go plant/flower shopping and he can pick out something he thinks looks neat.

As far as the gym, my wife has no want to do free weights except for the occassional dumbbell movement.So we tend to do different things in the gym as we have slightly different goals. I remember when we first started going and I tried to get her to do deadlifting and bench pressing and lecture her ont eh benefits of the free weights. She had a miserable time. If I had kept at it, she wouldn't want to go to the gym at all with me. So I took a different approach and showed her how to workout for her goals with the machines which made her happy.

When my H and I began working out together, he deemed himself 'expert' and me 'clueless' and that didn't go over well at all!

As far as gardening goes--it comes second to UA. If UA is not met, solo activities are out of the question. I'm concerned about your focus at this time about your own interests. Do you feel you've given enough at this point and now you need to get back to your IB? The state of your marriage will revert right back to where it was, or lower, if you turn your focus now on what you want to do that excludes your H. I'm most concerned about this statement:


Why do you think there is a line to be drawn? Who are you afraid will cross it? Hill? If he wants to spend time with you, but you'd rather garden, is that really crossing a line? Does spending time with your H really make you feel like a HERMIT? A hermit lives alone. Do you feel isolated when you only spend time with your H and children? What is it about you that cannot feel full from those relationships?

CWMI,

I'm NOT concerned with what you said because my husband and our relationship is the number one priority. And I will make him feel that way. I knew that before and probably didn't care since we weren't very nice to each other. Now I am more considerate of his feelings and if he doesn't want me to run, hike, etc ... I'm ok with that. I know he was positive about it before and it will come back again when we both feel our marriage and EN's are taken care of first.

I was saying a general analogy that we were like hermits because we didn't hang out with friends very much and do the normal social things and activities for the past three weeks. We were focusing on spending more time together and getting that UA time.

I know we have to have POJA and I'm going to get my husband involved with some activities if he's on board. It's just not realistic for everything and of course it wouldn't be fair either. And trust me there's no way I'm going back to the state of our marriage three weeks ago, neither one of us wants that. We already have a POJA list of activities for tomorrow. For now, I think our key factor is planning.

Dr. Harley says there is no problem with independent recreational activities when:

* You and your spouse are following the Policy of Undivided Attention (POUA)
* The activity is not spent with members of opposite sex
* You are each other's favorite recreational companion
* The activity meets with enthusiastic agreement

Right now, Grace, I'm concerned that you are not each others favorite recreational companion. You do not want to set up a situation where you are comparing your time spent doing favorite hobbies to the time you spend with your husband.

When you can engage in your hobby, but find yourself missing your husband's company, THAT'S when you're ready for individual recreation.

Hi Grace,

How are things going?

Most of the weekend was great (Friday and Saturday), yesterday was overall not a good or bad one. Sunday am we went on a walk for some coffee but then we didn't get to do anything we had planned because later that morning I hurt my back so bad I could barely walk. From that point in the day there were ups and downs with no major fights, just weird.

I basically feel like my H is dwelling on the past and not on present actions. For example this morning something happened and he asked me a question I had already answered yesterday. When I told him I already answered that yesterday he snapped at "how dare I say that". In the past it was a HUGE pet peeve that he wouldn't care enough to pay attention to our conversations and forget most things. This morning I didn't think my tone was frustrated, but he did. So about two minutes later I walked up to him and told him I was sorry and kissed him. He was still totally upset and said I'm always scared of how your going to act, I'm still walking on eggshells and disrespectfully told me to read up on DJ's. At this point we both agreed to cool off and talk later.

I'm all for reading up on more material and doing more worksheets/workbook material, never said I wasn't. However, H likes to be the teacher and LECTURE me like I'm the dunce cap student who just can't seem to get it. It's like bad wife, bad bad wife and ps again your never good enough. It's all about your past behavior to him. I thought we were trying to move forward.

In our workbook, I've listed under annoying habits for H: not listening, not paying attention, forgetting conversations. He has definitely made some progress. I've told him to write down things and he has gotten much better and when he doesn't, I don't punish him. I just want to move onto present actions. I know he may still lack some confidence/security. I just feel like he needs to stop judging me and the past. The past year is a part of our marriage I would not like to bring up, but he still feels the need to compare everything to that. Well to me the past is the past and we both weren't working on our marriage. Now we are trying to be different spouses with the proper behavior. Does MB tell your spouse to hold onto the past as a way to judge your spouse and their behaviors in the present? because that's how I'm feeling. I DON'T punish him or remind him of his disgusting behavior or comments he's made over the pat few weeks, Let's move on!!!