Still reading love busters. No sign of his needs her needs.

Is there an actual plan I can download anywhere or is it following the principles in these books?

I had to wait for my books to get to me, too, and reading what's right here on the website was of great help. There is a link on the right side "The most important emotional needs." There is also an emotional needs questionnaire. Both would be a good start. Lots of stuff linked from the homepage on surviving an affair as well as all the basic policies of Marriage Builders. I would start with the emotional needs, along with reading about Love Busters.

My books took over two weeks to get to me. By the time they arrived, my husband was coming out of the fog a bit and we could read the EN and LB books together, a chapter at a time each night. We read SAA individually. I read it first. He read it about a month or so later, when he could better understand.

The "actual plan" is written in the Surviving an Affair article that I linked for you a few days ago.

The first step is complete NC. Remind me: are you the poster whose WH works at a school that keeps him and OW connected? If so, you cannot take the first step until and unless he changes his job.

He resigned back in dec. They have had no contact for 5 months.

I am sure of that.

We have read love busters and done the emotional needs qnaire which was very interesting.

I have read everything that I have been sent.

Well then, you know that the second step is transparency. Are you and your H transparent about your daily lives? Is there scope for him to have a secret second life?

The third step is to build a new marriage, spending over 15 hours per week focusing on each other. There are 4 specific ENs that you should be meeting during this time. Have you established a schedule for spending this time together? What does it look like?

You say that your H has read the book LB too. That should mean that he is on board with MB. MB is an entire programe that requires you to work through specific exercises. You need the books LB and HNHN to see what these are, and you need the workbook that goes with them.

If you haven't heard from the coaching centre by tomorrow evening, you should contact them again.

Also have a look at the MB online programme. With that, you re assigned a coach who will work with you as you do the exercises from HNHN and LB. You will be given a schedule for you to complete the exercises and you will be required to give your answers to the coach. The programme is supervised by Dr Harley, which is the best help you can get.

Did you order HNHN from Amazon? Can you check the progress of your order? I got my copy 3 days after placing the order. I can't understand what has happened to yours.

How near to you does OW live? What are your chances of bumping into her?

Also, what is the deal about the school? I can't make out from reading the beginning of this thread whether your kids and hers go to the same school, but there is still some connection through the school. What is it?

You must break this connection. You have baulked at the idea of moving house, but your recovery will not start if you have a school or residential link to OW.

Her kids are at same school as mine. Boys are best friends a d sit next to each other!!!
My great friend is still in touch with ow which is hard for me.

Don't see her often but have potential to see her every day.

Will check amazon tomorrow.

Not getting much remorse from h. He seems so laid back about the whole thing. It's not just a marriage disaster; we lost our house our job some friends and our kids have lost all of that as well as moving school.

Well you must be able to appreciate that these are not the conditions under which recovery can start.

How did you lose your house? Forgive me as I know you have posted this before, but I can't piece this together very well.

I suspect that your H is not showing remorse because there is contact. He is still in the high of the affair and he has no reason to feel remorse towards you. My husband was the same.

Does he ever go to school to collect your kids? Does he ever bump into her, there or anywhere around town? Is he at home all day having lost his job? How do you know what he is doing all day?

I just don't see how you can be sure there is NC. It's a miserable position to be in and I sympathise because I too have never been in a position to be sure. I can only reiterate strongly to you that if there is the possibility of contact, then there is probably contact.

You may need to sever contact with your best friend for your own well being. Also - I agree with Sugarcane - no remorse after 5 months of NC is IMO a sign that he is in contact with her.

He doesn't express his feelings or emotions which is why this all started!

I don't think he is in contact at all as I am with him all day; he resigned as headmaster and never goes to school. I am confident about this.

I haver seen her a few times but do not speak; seeing her is hard enough!

He is sorry but I don't think he get how hurt I am. It is like a bulldozer. Not only the adultery but the loss of everything else. Hideous is not the word.

We both want to make it work and are trying but there are triggers that make the past seem so fresh.

Sometimes I don't like person I see. How could he do this to me and his good friend? Surely he is no worthy!??

When will I know if I actually wNt to be with him? We are working hard but the betrayal still dominates.

I can see where I went wring and how u need to change but this will never go away.

Well the only way it goes away is when you go through it. The betrayal will affect you for years - at least 2, probably 5.

AEK1 - I don't trust him and I don't believe him. 5 months of NC would result in him having a better attitude. You MUST schedule that polygraph and ask a question regarding if he has had any contact (phone, text, internet..... you get the idea)

The fact he threatened to end your marriage if yu pushed for this is a red light.

He is doing NOTHING to put your mind at ease and rebuild trust and love.

When will I know if I actually wNt to be with him? We are working hard but the betrayal still dominates.

I can see where I went wrong and how u need to change but this will never go away.

He is trying but it doesnt come naturally.

bigkahuna has been trying to tell you that for some people, this takes at least two years.

Some of us know from D Day that we want to be with our WS, even though the betrayal dominates. We feel just as strong love for the WS as we always did, even in the midst of our hurt.

Some of us know with our heads that we want to be with them, but we do not feel that in our hearts for over a year, and only then if the WS puts in a lot of effort at recovery. When I say "in our heads", I mean that we work out that a long marriage with children is worth recovering, and we do not want to throw all we have away. Our hearts, though, are broken, and we do not feel love for a long time.

Some people know that they do not want to stay with the WS, regardless of feelings of love, or perhaps because knowledge of the affair kills the existing love. Those people leave soon after D Day, or they stay for a while but never really re-enter the marriage.

We vary in how we feel although there are common patterns.

Change is not very natural for most people. Relearning good habits is hard and takes time. As time progresses, it will become natural.... Think of riding a bike... You have to learn to balance, pedal and steer at the same time. the more you do it, the better you become.

As it becomes more natural for him, I think you will see the change as more genuine and be able to accept it better. It may help with dealing with the hurt and bitter feelings.

CV

Thank you, your words are so wise.

Saw my friend who is still friends with ow today. Brings everything flooding back. She is one of my greatest friends; it seems so wrong that I cannot be friendly with her anymore. But I need to protect mysf from the pain...

Question... Does she consider you one of her greatest friends?

If so, you may want to ask her how she can be friends with a person who is so reckless and dangerous as to put other families in danger....

Thanks, BTW, Big Kahuna's suggestion of a polygraph is a good one. It may settle things in your mind as well. If you are worried about the money, look at it this way....

His A is making you sick. This is a visit to the physician that will help you heal. It is a medical necessity for you to get better.

My friend says she is supporting ow husband as we were all good friends. She will not choose.