Good Morning,

I just finished my second round of reading His Needs, Her Needs for my own personal recovery. I am currently in Plan B with my deployed WH.

Reading HNHN is actually very painful because I realize all that I did wrong in the marriage. I also realized how much my WH didn't meet my EN's either and then I find myself in should have, could have, should have, or it used to be like that years ago.

My Plan B is essentially so my LB doesn't deplete and I can wait for a while longer for my WH to return to the States and then possibly realize he made a huge mistake with his affair and now leaving us (4kids andI) for POSOW.

I took Dr. H's advice and moved to a different state (while he is still deployed & don't worry I am legal) to be near my family.

My children and I absolutely love our new city, and we are actually healing very well. We spend a lot of time playing and doing activities together.

My question is I know this move is a huge Love Bank withdraw for my WH. He is very angry over this move, and feels it was revenge. For me it was so I could have support and heal. Plus I just didn't want to be anywhere near the two of them together.

Does anyone believe that my move may hinder a chance of recovery? Also, if I moved back I would be able to have a salary much higher than my current location. The move back and making more money would deposit into his LB. Right now I am taking 1/2 his salary and his financial world is crumbling before him. He blames me because I moved and resigned from my high paying job. He is literally heading toward bankruptcy.

I know POSOW and him will fade with time. I am currently physically looking like the wife of his youth (massive LB deposits). I do have that going for me. I just am not sure if I should take the LB deposits a step further by removing some of his financial burdens for him, or if I should really let him hit rock bottom.

His financial ruin and career problems are due to the affair, it has nothing to do with me. He made the choice to have the affair while deployed and then remain with her, so I made the choice to move home (he legally gave me that option months ago).

Do I let him fall hard even though that is removing all deposits to his LB and it may make recovery impossible once POSOW dumps him?

toughlove - you may want to move this thread to Surviving An Affair. You'll get a lot more traffic and help during this process. You can ask a Moderator to do this for you.

Question - Have you ordered the book "Surviving An Affair"?


Plan B is SUPPOSED to be hard on the wayward spouse. It is suppose to make being away from you, your children and being with the POSOW unappealing and, of course, financially taxing. Plan A is for avoiding LB's and putting your best face forward.

How does your WH know what you look like if you're in a dark Plan B?

You are concerned about his anger over actions you took to protect yourself because he is in an affair?

I say let him fall hard and suffer the consequences of what he has done.

He doesn't know what I look like. When he returns from deployment we have to meet for my son's surgery. He will see me in his favorite Pink Plaid dress I wore when we dated. I just did it because I know my weight with my four babies was an issue for him, and POSOW used her body to get my husband.

I have SAA and have read it. My situation is a little different because he has been deployed. He lived with POSOW from Sept. '10 - Dec '10 while deployed. Then I launched adultery charges in the military so now they are not supposed to talk, and are getting into trouble. I am still holding out hope for a recovery because he hasn't experienced life without his four children and I yet. His fantasy is in full fog as a deployed soldier. I am hoping when he returns to the states he will have some kind of awakening. I am not sure though. That is why I still want to make sure I am not completely draining his LB.

This affair has happened while deployed and overseas. I am hoping with time the death of the A will happen, and he will then be without anyone filling his EN's.

He has four kids and abandoned us for OW. What new woman after OW will want a POS guy like that to date. Plus he is going bankrupt and hitting rock bottom. The odds are in my favor that he will want to come home to get out of his nightmare he created. I will be reading and waiting with my EP's and a great Plan A then!!!

toughlove,

Have you notified the moderators to move your thread? You really need to be in the Surviving an Affair forum or Military Marriages forum to get the attention you need to get through this.

Don't worry about this. You are in Plan B, so you are not supposed to be making lovebank deposits.


No, if he is serious about recovery nothing will hinder him.


Again, you are in Plan B. You are not supposed to be making lovebank deposits.


A result of his affair. It is not helpful to him in any way, shape or form to try and protect him from the consequences of his bad choices.


You should get out of the way and stop trying to protect him. That is not "loving," that is ENABLING. Big difference.

And I would post stuff like this over on the SAA forum.

Another vote for moving to SAA. The military board is definitely worth reading, but it�s pretty slow.

Also, I am a big fan of letting him bear the full consequences of his actions. He made his bed, now let him lie in it. My ex says did not realize how horribly he had treated me and our son until after I left. Looking back on it, I see that all his life his mom, then his aunt after his mom passed, then me once we were married were always there to soften the blow of whatever scrape he got himself into. My desire to make up for his lack was borne out of love, but I think the end result was he internalized a feeling that he could do me wrong and get away with it.

I hope your H comes around, and that you two are able to work this out.

I posted these questions to WPG also - but I welcome more feedback. Thanks Tough!

- Anytime I try to educate H, lecture him, give unsolicited advice, make �You should/We should� statements, �Why don�t you� statements (e.g., �Why don�t you want to give this a try?�) or �Don�t you know� statements...that I need to realize that basically what I am saying to him is, �Hey, stupid!� - By WPG

I find myself doing this and I know it is a way to control the other person. I did this repeatedly with my WH when I was trying to talk sense into him about his affair and not abandoning my four kids and I for her. What do you suggest as the alternative?

What I am finding most in my recovery is my inability to control the other party. Now that I am in Plan B, I can see how my WH and I used manipulation tactics in our marriage to get the other person to do what we wanted.

This clearly failed me miserably, and I recognize it as a horrible way to make a marriage last.

I can see how the POJA can solve this issue, but how does one who is still in Plan B waiting for WH to wake up work on themselves to fully eradicate that type of controlling behavior if POJA isn't available?

Something along the same line are boundaries. I know my boundaries with my WH are firm, and of course before Plan B he felt they were put in place to control him. How does one go about recognizing the difference between setting boundaries versus having those boundaries in order to receive a particular outcome? Isn't that ultimately control?

When does one POJA boundaries versus having those boundaries at EP's? I can see down the road in my recovery becoming so ridgid in my boundaries that I may end up scarying off my WH and/or any other potential mate if D actually happens.

Thanks!!

quote=wulffpack_girl

OK - I'm back! I wanted to add that I really don't have much experience using this. During recovery, I was very tentative about asking for anything to meet my needs. Still am, really. For example, there's been a death in my extended family and I need to go to the visitation tonight and wanted to go to the funeral tomorrow. I didn't really want to take the kids. The kids are staying w/me this weekend since they had b-day parties to attend. Anyway, I planned to ask H last night if he minded helping with the girls, but I backed down. He'd been here at the house all day and did some carpentry work, is working nights this week and hadn't slept. He wasn't rude or anything, but I just felt like I shouldn't ask him for any more favors, since he'd been doing so much this week. So I wishy-washily talked about the weekend and juggling the girls, thinking that if he knew I was in a bind and was OK coming over and watching the girls, he'd say so. And I realize that what I did was wrong, wrong, wrong! If I needed his help I should just ask. I just feel guilty asking for anything and I'm so afraid to push my luck...but conversely, I know I am not being honest with him and if I don't tell him what I need and give him the opportunity to choose to meet that need or not, that I end up resenting it - and that was a problem in our pre-A M, that I expected him to know what my needs were.

In a nutshell, I'm great at knowing what MB tells me I need to do, not so great at putting it into practice! I'm still learning and know I have a long way to go yet.

And I see where you are coming from with the control issue. It took a long time for it to sink in for me that I cannot control my H's actions. I tried to manipulate recovery by lying, and then later I struggled with him not meeting expectations I had for his behavior. I wanted him to do Y when I did X...when in truth I cannot/should not/must not have expectations of his behavior at all. I cannot control him. Nothing I do or say or do not do/say is going to bring him home. Separation is his choice, and unlike in your sitch, IITL, my H is the BS and he has every right to leave me.

Boundaries - I don't believe boundaries can be POJA'ed. If I understand what you are saying, you're referring to the EPs that you would need your WH to put into place to help you feel safe.

Here

EP's are forever. They are what you, as a BW, need to feel safe, and what we, as WS's, need to put into place. They are not POJA'ed.

But if we suppose that your WH never pulls his head out of his [censored], and someday you are looking for another relationship - then I see these becoming boundary issues. You would not have EP's with a new, potential partner - yet you would still want to see them demonstrate appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex, because you will need to feel safe with them.

Dunno if any of that made sense. I keep meaning to read a book I've seen mentioned previously on this forum on boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. Maybe that book would also be helpful for you, IITL? [/quote]