Hello.

My story in a nutshell.

Married for 16 years with two young girls (8 and 11). My wife is currently off work due to Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Over the last two years, my wife has repeatedly hidden relationships of various types with other men behind my back. She has used texting, Facebook, Myspace, Yahoo and other types of accounts � mostly secret, some not � to carry on correspondence with other men.

And I am an enabler.

After fourteen years of marriage that were marked with trust and honesty � my wife has lied more in the last two years than she did in the entire fourteen years prior to these problems.

The mess started two years with a lie about meeting up with an old friend from high school. She continued this relationship � mostly in secret - for several months even after I had discovered she was lying. She then began a relationship with a different friend from the past who she also repeatedly lied to me about.

The texting and chatting then began to turn towards strangers. New phone numbers I didn�t know began popping up on the cell phone bill. She would lie and tell me they were women, but when I called the numbers, almost always a man would answer.

We separated in December 2009 after our children woke up and witnessed part of an ugly fight. I thought we were separated in order to work on things. Yet while we were apart, she continued to go out several nights each week with new single girl-friends. Highlights of the separation include her meeting up with a man she met on Plenty of Fish, and receiving a noise warning after one of her girlfriends brought a man to her place after a late night at the corner bar and had sex in her living room.

She moved back home in December of 2010. Things seemed to be going better and she seemed to have quit the texting. Then � about one or two months ago � I found out she had been watching sex cams online. I later figured out that she was able to interact with the men and couples she was watching.

She now claims to have quit the cams and the texting � but she has started going out with new friends once or twice a week for drinks and staying out as late as 5am in the morning. She has done little or nothing to rebuild any type of trust between the two of us. Her phone is locked with a pass code as is her laptop.

Having said all of this � let me say that I have posted parts of my story here before. The feedback I received was very harsh � which was probably reasonable.

At this point, I am going to try to use this post as my last shot.

Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night � twice � and saw the glow of my wife�s phone beside her face. Both times I woke up, my wife pretended that she wasn�t doing anything. She claimed she didn�t have her phone. The first time, as I was very tired, I somewhat believed her and just tried to go back to sleep. The second time I woke up and she again denied that she looking at her phone. I became very angry and said a lot of nasty things. Her phone was nowhere to be seen � and it is ALWAYS near her side. The idea that she wouldn�t know where her phone is � even at 2am � is insane. I even tried calling her number, but she must have turned the phone completely off so I wouldn�t hear it ring.

So right now � as of today � we are dealing with my over-blown and angry response to what I consider gaslighting. Telling me I didn�t see something that I KNOW I saw � in my head � is emotional cruelty and abuse. Hard to really discuss these things though when she won�t acknowledge how bad our situation is.

What I would like to do is start to build this thread and then show the feedback to my wife. Ideally, she will even participate in the posting as the communication between the two of us continues to dwindle.

I am posting to the "101" section because my wife continues to say that she's never had an "affair."

I know that many of you will be harder on me than her. I understand that. I am an enabler.

I am looking for help. I am hoping that the feedback here may resonate with my wife � or if nothing else it may help others in my situation. I know I�m not the first person to hold on too long for hope in a bad situation. And I�m certainly not the world�s only codependent / enabling spouse.

I will likely send this link to her later this evening or early tomorrow morning.

I appreciate all advice and thank you in advance for your help.

Yes, you are an enabler. While she is certainly guilty of gaslighting you, you are guilty of ALLOWING it.

IMHO it's way past time for Plan B and possibly even filing for a legal separation or even D. Your requests for her to stop this have done NOTHING and she is unlikely to respond to more of the same. She is a serial cheater.

Filing may be the only thing that she responds to. But you cannot threaten it and then not follow through. YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS BOUNDARIES, SIR.

File for LS or D and then follow through unless and until she agrees to following the principles outlined here for a.) recovering from an A and b.) building the best M possible.

Can you please link your past threads so that we can see the background and advice that was given? That will save a lot of time and energy in asking the same questions and offering the same advice, if applicable.

MF - thank for you for the responses.

Last time I was here, I felt kind of ganged up on and became very defensive, so I would rather start clean and NOT refer back to my old posts.

In your opnion, is my idea to show my wife this thread and the responses a reasonable idea?

I believe the standard advice for enablers is to stop enabling.

Maybe you will find this post helpful.

You are going to get the exact same advice you got last time, kc. Nothing's changed. You are still enabling and afraid of upsetting your W.

I do not think it's a good idea at all to show her this thread. If you are going to set a boundary of "Fix the M, begin protecting it from interlopers, set up some EPs (Extraordinary Precauctions) to protect us from another A, or the consequence will be I am filing for D", it is not a good idea to tip your hand.

Just state your boundary and be prepared to follow through on it. If she refuses, you have your answer and things will never get better.

The definition of insanity of doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results. That is what you have been doing for what, 2-3 years now?

It's time to p*ss or get off the pot, man. It's up to you. We can't help you if you refuse to act.

Yes Prisca - that is ME.

Part of where I struggle is that it seems there is no boundary between "I'm upset and going to lecture" and "I've filed for divorce."

I'm being honest when I say that divorce doesn't look like much of an improvement over my current situation.

But basically - MF - it seems like you are telling me to just let it go.

Thanks,

nice777guy, kcsimpson99

We can't help someone who won't help himself.

Not only did you not take our advice the last time, but you told me off for trying to help you. And you are back again? For what?

KC,

You don't have to let the marriage go, but you do have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself and your kids. I am a BS whose wife has FM and cfs as well. I can tell you that my FWW was never too fatigued to spend time with the OM. Don't let her use it as an excuse. What you have to do is be firm. DON'T leave your own house. DON'T let her take the kids if she leaves.

She doesn't need to read this thread... at least not right now. What you need to work on is you. Your angry outbursts, self control, responding the right way...

You also need to work on a plan. Has she stated she wants to stay married? If you haven't had that talk, you need to. Before you do, make sure you have a plan for if she stays and the boundaries you will accept, and if she goes, what is permissible in regards to seeing the kids, taking her personal items, etc...

Have you exposed her affairs to anyone yet?

CV

kcsimpson99:
I in many, many ways am like you. Much more than I would like to admit. Where are we different? Hundreds of thousands of ways. I was a verbal abuser and controller. I used volume (not foul language), a lifetime of debating for a living (superior argument - debate skills and a will to win at all costs, and guilt to try and make my wife do things I wanted. It never worked, it was a backwards way of thinking. I assure you your anger with your wife if normal and justifiable. The thing is, unless constructively channeled as the folks here are trying to guide you, it won't work. Don't cut the head off the messengers! Everyone here has not graduated from charm school or the school of tact and diplomacy. But the key players know what they are talking about. Maybe sometimes they are too blunt and they hurt you. Maybe sometimes you have not provided all the detail they need and they will actually misguide you. What they won't do to you is lie.
As a reforming verbal abuser I will state again... getting angry with your wife and accusing her without courtroom level proof will get you no where faster than falling down a flight of steps.
There are noble things about being an enabler. But maybe, just maybe there is a broader problem. The answers are on this sight. Are you guilty of any lovebusters? Do you know what they are? Read, listen. Learn. Fix what you can.
BUT, as you do that remember that the road to He## is paved with good intentions. Unless you act to do something more productive than yelling you will get nowhere. If you have a history of yelling like I did then please google MEVAC and join men determined to stop attempting to verbally abuse and control our spouses. If you ignore your wife, stop and integrate her interests into yours. I was also in love with my work. My wife returned to nursing school too. I can relate to an older wife suddenly back in a school environment. Lots of younger, single, pretty girls enjoying being young and single and partying it up. A few men, some gay and some straight (BTW nursing school is like heaven on earth for a straight male from what I understand). Lots of pressure and lots of phone calls after class between students. Lots of opportunity for an adult woman to be a kid again. Trust me I can relate. In my case there was a retired 44 year old fighter jet jockey in nursing school. I guess I am trying to get you to relate to me. I am only an expert on me. But the people here are trying to get through your denial (how we react to change and misfortune and death in life - stages of Shock, Denial, Anger, Grief, Projection (blaming others) and if we are lucky to live long enough, acceptance.
Some days even now I want to believe the lies. It would be easier in many ways.
I won't try to advise you. I fought with the people here and wanted to blame me and my verbal abuse as the cause of the affairs. I bent over backwards trying to please my wife. I would have walked infront of a shotgun blast to please her. It did not work. Eventually, slowly, I posted my progress here. Some posters gave up on me. Some did not.
I have an admonition for you.... If you want to have your marriage return to a healthy one or become healthy, you had best not try this post as your "last, best shot."
This is your life too sir. It is your marriage too sir.
This is your wife. Will you allow her to fall off a cliff or will you do the work and fight the fear of failure.
Please let the Vets here help you.
I am sorry you are here. I am sorry you are going through this. As your denial comes crumbling down you need to take your anger and pain and fear and channel it in a productive way. Here is the place to do that.
I am sure you feel so small and insignificant that if someone is hard on you here it makes you want to cringe. I understand. I did that too.
But sir, you have a chance. The people here will shower you with an unspoken love by giving their experience to you. They will be here for you.
Refuse the instinct to stop posting. This is only the beginning for you. It will get harder and it will get easier.
Do not let yourself ever regret that you gave up on your marriage without trying the antidote to the poisonous venom your wife has been bitten with.
TRUST the vets on this board. Please.
Prayers for you sir.
I have stood where you stand.

Blessings and prayers for you today.
Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)
Sir you are in shock and denial and anger. We don't go through stages in a linear way. We zig and zag between them. Right now you are an enabler because you want to deny reality. Been there and done that and I have the T-Shirt. (in fact I have two of them, one from my first marriage).

Melody - thank you for your response.

CV - part of my struggle is that it isn't "an" affair. Its more like a series of adventures. The latest having been cybersex with different men on Yahoo Messenger.

I have exposed activities in the past - meetings with other men, an e-mail between her and a man from a dating website, and just general discussions that I've had with her parents and her brother. They were very understanding - but were willing to do little more than listen.

Other than her immediate family, I did very little exposure. When things were at their worst, she was distancing herself from any close friends who valued marriage.

Things had gotten better, but I'm seeing odd signs again.

She claims she loves me and wants to be married. Obviously, I'm not so sure.

Just read a bit of that thread... Maybe he has seen that you are right Mel. That maybe he needs to be here listening a little better.

CV

No what you are being told is to MAN UP and GROW A PAIR. Or at least film all her escapades and sell them on the net so you can at least benefit from them. Because all they are doing right now is emasculating and disrespecting you. Your doing plan doormat.

I have serious doubts about that. If he really wanted help, all he had to do was go back and read his last thread. Lots of folks spent lots of time and energy trying to help him to no avail. Many were treated with rudeness for their efforts. But someone can't be helped against their will.

We have alot of people on this board who are in dire straits who really do need help and I would hate to think that someone who has no intention whatsoever of taking the advice is distracting from those folks.

I see nothing yet that convinces me otherwise. I hope I do...

Melody,

I have gone back and re-read what you posted - many times over. And I still feel there was more personal criticism than help in your words.

And even in your few words above, I feel I'm being attacked again.

part of my struggle is that it isn't "an" affair. Its more like a series of adventures affairs some EAs some PAs. = Serial Cheater

I rest my case.

Do you feel that telling me to videotape my wife's adventures and sell them on the internet leans more towards constructive criticism, or personal attack? Really?

As for verbal abuse and being too controlling - I don't think those apply. I have said many things in anger while trying to argue "sense" into my wife's head.

But before the betrayals, my wife would often go out with co-workers and other friends. It was never an issue for me. Back then, it was usually mixed company - some older friends, some younger. Some married, some single. Most I didn't know, a few I'd met. But that's back when there was trust.

kcsimpson, you have not been attacked on this thread nor were you attacked on the last thread. I was not attacking you when I told you that you are an enabler. That is a simple truth. And until you accept that truth and stop that destructive practice, there is nothing we can do to help you.