Where to start, I've been married 18.5 years. Four years ago my WH had an A. As far as I know he ended it, we went to counseling for 6 months and I thought we were doing fine. We'd have set backs when OW would contact via email, even though he shared, it triggered me. Every 6 months for three years she'd reach out. It was like d-day all over for me.

As we progressed (so I thought) he began slipping into working long hours. Eating lunch with a female co-worker, who has a history of A with MM in the office. I felt unsafe and alone. I spoke out. But it was too late, he was already saying, I love you but dont care if I make you mad. I feelings for you are apathetic.

It took me a until after we told our boys he was unhappy and he said he was not willing to work on the marriage, days of tears, many MB friends saying something is up (based on his attitude and behaviors) until I say a dinner charge of 75.00 the day after he left for me to get it. I could not longer see or hope that I was misreading into the situation. I fully believe his is in another A.

I can not go through this again. Every four years, him isolating and turning to others, which his best friend, his partner is right here, wanting to work it out.

So, I filed for Divorce. At this point, I hope to secure everything I can financially for my kids.

My attorney has all financial paperwork and stated it would take time to go through it all. We are asking the I have primary, child support, spousal support, and best of all a moral clause.

So my big struggle is getting this reading. I am stuck in the house fixing all the repairs that need to be done. Is it possible to request all charges for fixing the house he has to pay, and it not be split? BC these were things that were gonna take up time to save up- so we didnt charge.

I just dont want to start out owing 10,000 by the time this is done. Especially when I did not choose this option.

Any advice or tips are welcomed.

Thanks
HavingFaith

You've decided to divorce, HavingFaith, and that's your prerogative. It's always a choice when one is the BS. No one here is going to blame you or try to convince you otherwise.

My only advice is that Marriage Builders can still help you during this time. You've already started by coming to this forum and posting.

Use this sounding board to whine, moan, complain, scream, vent and seek advice. Do NOT let your emotions control you during the D!

Divorce is a process. I know it's hard to not get angry, hurt, resentful or emotional. But when you do, you harm your own chances. Let your attorney guide you. That's what (s)he is for.

We're here to help you unload the emotional part. And to point you to MB principles that can help you recover YOURSELF, even if your marriage is past recovery.

Welcome to this side of Marriage Builders, the greatest club that no one wants to join!

HF my friend, glad to see you post, sad it is here, but glad to hear you are OK.

I would keep all the reciepts for getting the house ready to sell. I would think your attorney can at least get him to pay half if not more.

Did you ask your att about getting proof of WH in a current affair? I'm pretty sure it would get you a bigger % of $ especially since it's not the first time. I did read (back bfore we got to recovery) of a case, here in TX, of Multiple A's where the wife got 80%!! how nice would that be!!

You have to keep in mind that this is for you and the kids, and your future.

Is WH staying away from you/house?
How are the kiddos?
Do you have family or close friends there to help?

HavingFaith, I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I went back and read some of your posts... I'm sorry it's come to this, but I hope you are able to come out of this secure (financially and emotionally). I was so upset and trying to get my divorce done quickly that I took on way more debt then I should have. I'll be paying it off for another 4.5 years :-( OTOH, I still think it's worth it not to come home to so much pain anymore. Wishing you the best, DTC.

Hey and thanks all for posting. Thanks for finding my Lgtex.

Well Fred, this divorce was really not my choice. I felt we were having issues regarding him pouring himself into work and poor boundaries in the work place.

Right now I am angry and sad. Last night he came strolling up to a 6 pm t-ball game in shorts. My son asked whats up with dad in shorts. I'm like IDK ask. Turns out he was able to go for a run at 3:30, this is the same man that was never home till 730 bc he had "work". between that and no phone calls from him, my boys are hurting.

I did have to talk with him bc he wanted them this saturday bc his brother is in town, which isnt a big deal, expect he brought it up in front of the kids. I know I am angry, it comes across in my voice to him. When I said something about not calling the kids, he first said he had. Then said "Oh it bc I dont want to deal with this." I was like you left me ONE week ago, cut me some slack but I'm angry at you and do everything I can when you sit two feet from me at Tball, acting as if nothing is wrong. UGH!!!

I did talk with the attorney. She advised against getting a PI bc I have to deal with him for the next 12 years. She said I'd get only 10% more. However, if I wanted to she understood and could give me some names. So I guess I have to figure that out quick.

He wants to get a quick divorce. He doesnt understand that there are many things around the house that need repair. We have been putting it off bc we needed to get our foundation repaired, which was hinging on drainage work the city needs to fix. They are supposed to fix it today- of course no one is out there working now.

Anyway, his remark was price it low and get rid of it. I told him no bc I need that money for a house for the boys. He's willing to make concessions. Whatever that means?!?!

I do question those that have already been down this road, the extreme anger, how long does it last. I recently read somewhere that for me to detach from him think of every crappy thing he's done, none of the positive. HA! That's the opposite of what I did in R.

I'm wish I could fast forward to the next chapter.

WH is staying away from the house. He was over Sunday to get the boys and actually asked for a drink of water. Must suck to ring the doorbell of the house you're paying for then ask for water.

The boys are all adjusting in their own ways. They are concerned about money. My middle one said his dad needed no money, he could eat at his friends house. My little one thinks its ok bc he will see him every weekend, which is true sense he horned in on Saturday. But it is best for them to see the family.

Yes I do have family about 30 min. away. I am considering moving back for support. The kids want to stay here. The distance from where ever I'll land a job to here is the problem. I don't want to be coming home late every night.

Lgtex- how's everything going with you? And your WH new job hunt?

HF

Right now I am angry and sad. Last night he came strolling up to a 6 pm t-ball game in shorts. My son asked whats up with dad in shorts. I'm like IDK ask. Turns out he was able to go for a run at 3:30, this is the same man that was never home till 730 bc he had "work". between that and no phone calls from him, my boys are hurting.

Your WH is living in lala land. I would make his life a LIVING H*LL!! Thats why IMHO I would hire a PI (send WH the bill) and present your findings before the judge. It would be worth the 10% and who knows, the judge may give you more. you've got nothing to lose.

Keep in mind, your kids may be spending lots of time around the Ho, they need to know what she really is....a homewrecker!
She (Ho) will want to be their "mom"....the nice one that will give them anything, cuz it makes her most recent conquest happy.
You have to protect your children!

Thats just my opinion....

Yes, that would really suck to ring the doorbell and ask for water.....did you tell him to use the garden hose in the front yard?

have you set up visitation? I think that would be important and make him stick to it, no exceptions.

Hang in there HF!

My FWH job is fine, he is looking to transfer to ice. Where we are there is pretty much no traveling at all, except for the occasional day trip to do a pick up. It would be a lateral trans, so everything would stay the same.

Im rooting for you! stay strong

....off to baseball, then prom!

And, btw, you DON'T need to deal with him for the next 12 years. There is something called 'parallel parenting' which is a good idea for ex-spouses who split due to infedelity. Infedelity is one of the cruelest, most abusive things that can happen in a person's life and you don't need to be in contact with someone who betrayed you. Kids or not.
Read up on it.

Faith,

Please take a look at this MB thread called, "The Fantasy of Divorce":

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

I guarantee you, your WH thinks this is how life will be after divorce. He already feels free to come and go in your life whenver he feels like it. You need to disabuse him of this notion NOW and make sure he gets that if/when you are divorced, he will be DEAD TO YOU (kids or not) and he will have NO place in your life whatsoever. Kids will be handled through an intermediary and that's the end.

As Lgtex said, he's in la-la land and needs to be kicked out of there immediamente.

I feel so blessed to have found MB years ago. Thank you all for caring so much for a complete stranger. I hope to pay it forward when I can think from a less emotional place.

Today has been hard, because I keep thinking, "I pushed him away. I pushed him away with all my hurt and anger from the A- four years ago. Was it me saying to him 6 months to a year ago- if your not happy leave?!?!"

Maybe I knew in my heart he wasn't present in the marriage, I just couldn't face it, until I felt so unsafe I asked for those boundaries in his work place. And at that point he just didn't care. He cared more about hurting a female co-workers feelings by not eating lunch or choosing to work side-by side; then hurting me.

Funny I type it out and I'm like- fool why are you missing him, he didn't respect or care for you, but my heart is broken and hurting.

Thanks Mulan- I will read the post. This weekend I have been very business like with him. He had the boys to visit with an out of town uncle. One of them left his cleats in the car with him. I called, and when he returned them as I was opening the door he seemed to be walking in, I grabbed the dog- said thanks and shut the door.

I just cant play this "happy family" thing it seems he wants to do on the weekend. I told him not to come around me and chat it up at the kids stuff, and what does he do? Walks right up to me to ask where our son is, who's two feet from him!!!

One day at a time.

I guess I also think, by filing for divorce I pushed him away even further. Ok, I had to say it. I know realistically that didn't make one hill of beans difference. It was his choice to walk out. I just want financial security for myself and the kids.

Man, I need a job!

Hi there HF

I've had a crazy busy weekend and crazy monday and tuesday! I wanted to check in with you and see how things are going, been thinking about you and your sit.

When you posted about "pushing your hubby away w filing D" I think that if he wanted to work it out he would have protested the D.

You have not caused anything to push him away or bring this sit on. He said he did'nt want to be married.

How did your mothers day go? Did you get to spend it with the kids?

***EDIT***

Lgtex-
I know you are right...I still miss him terribly...I sit here thinking I'd be ok with 730 or 800 coming home time, it'd beat the heck out of not seeing or talking to him at all... then I have to slap myself around a bit and remember- I was only getting seconds when he'd come home. Seconds from his work and possibly OW... and I deserve more...

It's just hard when the six year old says "are you gonna get married again?" My reply is "honey, I have no idea what's gonna happen." His response, "We need a daddy to help take care of us." Of course I ask, "What do you think about your daddy getting married one day?" his response, "he needs to marry you again." Poor baby...

Mothers day was great. The boys made breakfast in bed, they gave me a home made card, and my 6 year old potted a plant at school. Then we spent the day at my moms. We had fun.

And your Mothers Day? How is everything going with you FWH? How is the job prospect going? If he is trying to get on at ICE, know there are times that they travel too. I think its one of those jobs where you can sink in and escape from reality or not...it's a choice.

verdaga-

Thanks for the post. Some of the stuff on the link made me smile. You are right about happiness. Its not too late for happiness with a future man...I'm just not even ready to think about that.

The days are hard because the kids are in school. I'm looking for a job, which I know will take time. I'm unmotivated to start painting or working on the house in order to sell it. It's alot to do, alone. I believe part of my not wanting to do it, is then it makes the situation a lot more real. LOL as if sitting down with fwh and kids to tell them dad is no longer happy being married to me then him leaving wasnt enough reality.

You are right... I tell my kids look forward to just on good thing at school- recess, lunch with friends etc... and that will help em get through this... I need to heed my own advice.

AHHH! I just typed a long post and its gone!

Long story short, I talked with STXWH and once again heard how happy he is bc we are not fighting daily. Which I replied was not true... he last remark was once a week... I still replied that was not the case... his response, "well we couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other" HA this was news to me. He sure could stand rolling around in bed with me three nights the week prior to leaving!

The bottom line of the conversation was I love and miss him, he doesn't feel the same. It struck me again when talking with him, even if we stayed together I would be in a one sided relationship because he doesn't want it.

I need to stop being the victim to his choices of not communicating in the M... his selfishness... his not trying...his lies... his walking out...etc

Right now I'm scared financially bc I have not worked in a long time...Even though I have a masters degree the economy is slow... I put my career on hold for years to primarily be home where STXWH's career flourished... I'm so mad about that...

We will see, we go to court Monday for separation...

later

AHHH my family and friends are driving me nuts... I'm trying to decide do I stay in this small town suburb or move back to my home town... 30 min. away... my family says move.. my friends say stay...

they are all willing to help me...my kids want to stay here... I'm to the point of running to the other side of TX!!!

what a rollercoaster!

Do you really get much benefit from moving 30 minutes away to where your family is? I had to smile when I read that, because I used to live in a big city where you couldn't get anywhere in under 45 minutes. It took 30 just to get out of Walmart's parking lot on shopping day ;-)

oh, and regarding STBX- good on ya for calling him out on his "revision"

If your kids want to stay you should really consider that as your primary focus - at least for the first year. They already have to go through the trauma of the divorce. I know you want to start your "new life". But it sounds like at least you have a good support network with friends in the area. And your family, while not next door, is relatively close at 30 minutes.

As a kid who was moved in high school - it's tough.

My heart goes out to you. While I do have a job - my career took a back seat to my STBXH's for the last 11 years (spent 5 years at home with my kids) so I'm not earning what I would have been. Try to stay optimistic about reentering the workforce - it will happen and you will land on your feet.

I know that's what I keep thinking, 30 min. isnt that big a deal. I think the deciding factor where be where I finally get a job. I sit 30 from one big city and about an hour from another.

We had talked about moving anyway this year because my husbands office was so far away 1 1/2 hours one way. The office moved a couple years after we built. Anyway, we had decided it wouldn't do any good, we could live in a condo across the street from his office and he'd still be home at 7:30... bc someone ALWAYS needed him to do something... basically it was his choice.

I've been planting the idea with the kids. I think it will take a while to fix this place and sell it. Homes on our street have a history of not selling too fast. Oh our street is a neighborhood of about 20 houses surrounded by farms. I think you just gotta like the neighborhood to buy.

Thanks for the input. My new motto has been "I'm a cat, I land on my feet!" I'm just waiting to land... I'm drifting down.

Perhaps it would work to stay in place until your oldest graduates? And then move to be closer to family?

At least that's my suggestion.