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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Hilltopper,

Something else I meant to mention yesterday and forgot. Another good help for eliminating DJs completely is to practice being respectful all the time. And I don't mean with just your wife. Make a very concerted effort to be respectful with everybody around you, even showing respect to those who don't seem to deserve it.

It's not that you're trying to fill their love bank like you are trying to fill your wife's. BUT, it's a whole lot easier to be respectful of your wife when you are in the habit of thinking and acting respectfully with everybody.

I haven't perfected it yet. But it's good practice, and does help to change the way you think.


Yes, great advice, thank you!


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Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
Hill, I think you and your wife should repeat what you think the other person meant. Often what we say and what we mean do not come across the same to each other.

I don't have any great examples off the top of my head. My wife used to infer a lot of things when she would say things and then get frustrated because I didn't read between the lines.

So we started with the "Okay, I hear you saying that ....."

And she would say, "No, I meant that...."

Awesome! Now we're both on the same page.

This alleviates all the reading into and trying to decipher and wondering if she really meant A when she said A or if she really means B.


We are doing much better at this. I've asked my wife to communicate a little more clearly even on the small stuff like grocery lists, etc. We had an incident awhile back where she wrote "can of tomatoes" on the list. I grabbed a can of tomatoes but the recipe called for "tomato sauce" which is what she had meant in her mind. She's been doing much better and when I'm not sure what she meant I've been asking.

In an unrelated topic we have a bit of a disconnect on timing when it comes to thoughtful requests. My wife's version of a request would be, "can you fix the toilet paper roll holder?", or, "It would be great if you could help me organize my stuff in the garage." These are perfectly fine, however I'm never sure WHEN to fulfill them. I asked her if we could make "honey do" lists with specific dates and times and plan for them. That way I believe will lead to less disappointments, do you agree?


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I think that's a good idea, Hill. I think it's important not to agree to more than you feel you can do. Many men have a tendency to try to please their wives by saying "yes" to everything, and of course then they can't DO everything. Remember that it is important to try to meet your wife's emotional needs and if there's something she'd like done, that's a great way to take care of it, but make sure you are honest with yourself and with her and if you don't think there is time say "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Better than that say, "I'm doing such-and-such, when would you like me to take care of this? ... Well, that's when I was going to do such-and-such for you instead, how about ... ?"

Most importantly: be pleasant and cheerful during these conversations. Be flexible and sincerely willing to take care of her. Be sweet. smile


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How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Dr. Harley has some good material on meeting the need for domestic support. When he started doing marriage counseling decades ago many men expressed an emotional need for domestic support. Nowadays many women are expressing that need! Besides career women, stay at home mothers of small children often feel this need.

There's some material for that in HNHN, HNHN for Parents, and in the Q&A section on this website, and probably some forms in the workbook. Prisca and I started that awhile back and will probably get back to it some time in the next few months; I am looking forward to that.


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Originally Posted By: markos
I think that's a good idea, Hill. I think it's important not to agree to more than you feel you can do. Many men have a tendency to try to please their wives by saying "yes" to everything, and of course then they can't DO everything. Remember that it is important to try to meet your wife's emotional needs and if there's something she'd like done, that's a great way to take care of it, but make sure you are honest with yourself and with her and if you don't think there is time say "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Better than that say, "I'm doing such-and-such, when would you like me to take care of this? ... Well, that's when I was going to do such-and-such for you instead, how about ... ?"

Most importantly: be pleasant and cheerful during these conversations. Be flexible and sincerely willing to take care of her. Be sweet. smile


Yep I'm Mr Fixit, even though I can't fix most of the things she needs. I've been working on the following with my wife. I think this might make some of the fellas here laugh:

Her: "Honey, the kids were misbehaved today, baby screamed and needed to be held, I'm so worn out."

Old Me: "Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it? Tell them Daddy is not happy. Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?"

New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"


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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?


What is that? smile


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Originally Posted By: markos
Dr. Harley has some good material on meeting the need for domestic support. When he started doing marriage counseling decades ago many men expressed an emotional need for domestic support. Nowadays many women are expressing that need! Besides career women, stay at home mothers of small children often feel this need.

There's some material for that in HNHN, HNHN for Parents, and in the Q&A section on this website, and probably some forms in the workbook. Prisca and I started that awhile back and will probably get back to it some time in the next few months; I am looking forward to that.


This works well in our house. I'm hands on cook, do dishes, bath kids, make lunches, etc a lot. She has expressed a need for me to handle more of the outside chores. Admittedly I'm not the handiest guy in the world, but from a conversation we had recently I gather that if I can't repair it, then she wants me to be the one to make the effort to hire someone to do it.


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"


Wow, GREAT! Very, very empathetic! How did you remember to do that? smile


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Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"


Wow, GREAT! Very, very empathetic! How did you remember to do that? smile


Well I'm highly motivated and I am trying to think always of how my wife might take anything I might say. How do I remember? Well I carry a giant needle in my right pocket. Right before I call, email, or text my wife I jab myself in the leg to remind myself not to be a big jerk. Works like a charm. rotflmao


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: markos
I think that's a good idea, Hill. I think it's important not to agree to more than you feel you can do. Many men have a tendency to try to please their wives by saying "yes" to everything, and of course then they can't DO everything. Remember that it is important to try to meet your wife's emotional needs and if there's something she'd like done, that's a great way to take care of it, but make sure you are honest with yourself and with her and if you don't think there is time say "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Better than that say, "I'm doing such-and-such, when would you like me to take care of this? ... Well, that's when I was going to do such-and-such for you instead, how about ... ?"

Most importantly: be pleasant and cheerful during these conversations. Be flexible and sincerely willing to take care of her. Be sweet. smile


Yep I'm Mr Fixit, even though I can't fix most of the things she needs. I've been working on the following with my wife. I think this might make some of the fellas here laugh:

Her: "Honey, the kids were misbehaved today, baby screamed and needed to be held, I'm so worn out."

Old Me: "Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it? Tell them Daddy is not happy. Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?"

New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"

Wow, Hilltopper, I'm impressed smile Great job!

Now, just for discussion and something to think about, do you see how the Old You could come across as DJing in that first paragraph?

Markos used to talk to me the same way ... this is how I would take it:

"Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it?" Were you doing your job right or slacking again?

"Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?" ...because you obviously can't figure out how to take care of your own child."

Not saying that's what the Old You meant, but can you see how a tired mother of young children might take it that way?

The second paragraph is so much more empathetic and successful at showing care ... Great job!


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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: markos
I think that's a good idea, Hill. I think it's important not to agree to more than you feel you can do. Many men have a tendency to try to please their wives by saying "yes" to everything, and of course then they can't DO everything. Remember that it is important to try to meet your wife's emotional needs and if there's something she'd like done, that's a great way to take care of it, but make sure you are honest with yourself and with her and if you don't think there is time say "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Better than that say, "I'm doing such-and-such, when would you like me to take care of this? ... Well, that's when I was going to do such-and-such for you instead, how about ... ?"

Most importantly: be pleasant and cheerful during these conversations. Be flexible and sincerely willing to take care of her. Be sweet. smile


Yep I'm Mr Fixit, even though I can't fix most of the things she needs. I've been working on the following with my wife. I think this might make some of the fellas here laugh:

Her: "Honey, the kids were misbehaved today, baby screamed and needed to be held, I'm so worn out."

Old Me: "Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it? Tell them Daddy is not happy. Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?"

New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"

Wow, Hilltopper, I'm impressed smile Great job!

Now, just for discussion and something to think about, do you see how the Old You could come across as DJing in that first paragraph?

Markos used to talk to me the same way ... this is how I would take it:

"Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it?" Were you doing your job right or slacking again?

"Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?" ...because you obviously can't figure out how to take care of your own child."

Not saying that's what the Old You meant, but can you see how a tired mother of young children might take it that way?

The second paragraph is so much more empathetic and successful at showing care ... Great job!


Yes I was a chronic DJer and it takes every ounce of my being not to be one. I was just thinking in the car on the way back from lunch that I've been a sarcastic DJer most of my life. My Dad is one too. We are very compassionate men and when people or friends truly "get us" they know that we'll be the most loyal, honest, and compassionate friends on earth. We are both emotional men. Shocker right? smile I can cry or get teared up over just about anything, the national anthem, a great moment in sports. I had to decline marrying my closest friend because there was no way I could get past one sentence without falling to pieces. This learning experience for me is good for my wife and our marriage. It is also good for me as a person in general. I don't have to be a [censored], you know? In fact I've enjoyed not being one over the past few days and I think I could get used to it.

So yes Prisca I can see how my wife and people in general take me, and that my DJer attitude has gotten me in a big hole that I'm trying to dig out of. By the way I've just got the shovel now, I traded in the Earth Mover.


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?


What is that? smile


"Stewing." This was your word, your wife's word, for part of your over-thinking process.

How has eliminating that been going?


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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?


What is that? smile


"Stewing." This was your word, your wife's word, for part of your over-thinking process.

How has eliminating that been going?


Sorry HHH, I realized that humor doesn't go over as well in a post as it does in person. What I meant was, no I haven't been stewing very much at all. If I feel something then I immediately talk to my wife and avoid the "stewing" all together.


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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 05/12/11 04:53 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive

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Or I could just be irritated because you called me a snowflake in another post, lol.


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Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?


What is that? smile


"Stewing." This was your word, your wife's word, for part of your over-thinking process.

How has eliminating that been going?


Sorry HHH, I realized that humor doesn't go over as well in a post as it does in person. What I meant was, no I haven't been stewing very much at all. If I feel something then I immediately talk to my wife and avoid the "stewing" all together.


crazy

My bad, Hill.

Good.

I had kind of reflected on this, and had some ideas about it.

What you are doing now is excellent, though.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Originally Posted By: DaisyTheCat2
Or I could just be irritated because you called me a snowflake in another post, lol.


Perhaps you meant this for another member? Nice to meet you Daisy! smile


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OH I AM SOOOOOO LAME! I saw HoldHerHand so much on this thread, I thought it was his. My apolozies. Not sure if I can delete that post, but I will try. That's what happens when I can only get on here for a few minutes at a time each day and try to rush with my posts...do forgive me. I'll be more careful next time.


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HHH,

Actually I'd like your ideas on the subject very much!


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