I need some advice please, anyone, my wife and I are recovering from an emotional affair on her part, now we did file for divorce but pulled back after she realized what she was doing. We have been making great effort in reconciling with the exception that she still talks to the other guy. Now I am going out of my mind trying to make her see that this hurts, and I dont see how he should be involved if we are to make this work. She assures me that he is not a threat but come on he was before. I dont really have anyone to talk to as I am deployed to an overseas area where there is very little support. I am asking for any kind of advice on how to cope with there ongoing communication and what I could say to her to help her see that this is wrong. Thank you.

Welcome. I'm so sorry you have to be here.

I think you would get more/better advice on the Surviving An Affair forum. If you'll just click the "Notify" button on the bottom right of your post, you can ask a moderator to move your thread to SAA.

Hi Specwarcb,

It's hard to believe that your wife cannot see how much she is hurting you, but unfortunately, those in affairs (waywards) do not care about anyone's pain, except their own. If she is still in contact with this guy, she is still emotionally tied to this person, and she is lying to you. It is very common for waywards to lie through thier teeth.

If your wife is still having contact with this man, your marriage will never make it, for several reasons. Even if the affair is considered over in her head, the sparks could reignite at any time. Because of her cruel behavior towards you, by still talking to this guy, it will drive you insane and kill your love for your wife, and create resentment.

Not to mention, it is just totally disrepectful of her to still be talking to this guy. He should be history. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. It's about protecting the marriage. Why sign up for more of the same? If this guy is meeting needs for your wife, the affair is still on.

At this point, I'd ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum, so they can give you some pointers on what to do next. Your wife ending contact with the affair partner will be first on the agenda.

I am very sorry you find yourself needing this advice. Others have used it and have thriving marriages now.

Also, please read all of the articles and the book Surviving an Affair, to see what you're dealing with. There's a lot of excellent advice here, and great people.

I wish you all the best.

Spec,
Kirby and MJ have given you very good guidance so far. You have come to the right place and will get a lot out of this site if you can spend some time reading and posting. You'll need to have your post moved to the Surviving An Affair board and do exactly what those folks tell you to do; they have all seen it before many times and they have lived your nightmare. Fortunately all waywards have the same basic mind-set and are very predictable.

Your wife is still having an affair. By definition she is still cheating on you. She is "wayward." And wayward spouses lie constantly to continue the feelings they get from their affair partners. Beware being "gaslighted" ("it's nothing, I hardly ever see him, YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE")

There are things you have to do to stop this affair. Many of us on this divorce board have been through them, and unfortunately we didn't save our marriages; however the effort was made and we are much better off for having tried.

You will need to "expose" the affair - do so with planned determination. You will be guided by the good folks on the other board.
You can NOT tell your wayward wife about this site - it's your situation room, and the AFFAIR is your enemy (not your wife - she is simply a puppet being controlled by the strings of the affair at this time).
You can not lose your cool, beg/plead, or act weak- waywards don't respond well to any of that.
You will have to "snoop" covertly to find out what is REALLY going on in your marriage - you have every right to do so and your WW can not be trusted to give you accurate information - at this point you're getting about 10% of the truth.
You'll have to give some more background:
How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Is the Other Man married? Does he have any children?

Good luck to you. I guess you are in the military: I thank you for your service.

Spec, my now-EXww was involved in emotional affairs. Sometimes I still wonder if they were physical or not - doesn't matter; the trust was obviously already destroyed and she never put any effort in to try to regain my trust. You are not wrong to feel just as betrayed as if she had confessed a physical involvement with another man - EA's are just as damaging. However, you need to move swiftly because if they elevate their affair to the physical (if it's not already) then you're talking about a whole different level of chemical attraction - a bigger dragon to slay.

Hang tough. Get a plan and stick to it.

~optimism

SW,

wife and I are recovering from an emotional affair...she still talks to the other guy.

First off Thanks for serving us, I have to agree with the other folks she is still in the affair, any contact keeps the fantasy alive.

I my case OM4 is dead and I'm still upset that my W still has to visit the Doctors office where they met. If she had continued to talk to him I would have gone berzerk.

God Bless
Gamma

Sorry you find yourself here, but you will get some great help. My ex wife started an emotional affair while I was deployed overseas. She needs to end all contact with the OM before you can truly begin to recover.

I also agree with what the others have said and think you will get more feedback on the SAA board. See you there.

spec - I can only echo the sentiments and advice from the others. You really need to post on the SAA thread.
She's still wayward - the affair is still alive.

Thanks for your service.

Thank you all for the advice here, and I will move my post to the other forum. See you there hopefully.

Now that your thread is here, let's put this first; if your WW is still in contact with her AP, you are NOT in recovery. You are still fighting to end an affair.

Of course you are hurt by continued contact, and since she is still entrenched in this affair emotionally, she can not only see that it hurts you, she really doesn't care.

I would go out on a limb and say that you should read up on Plan A;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


You should bolster this by reading up on the Marriage Builders basic concepts;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

You should switch your approach into a Plan A while DEMANDING that all contact end.

However, BEFORE you begin this, you should dig around in the "Operation Investigate" forum, and put some snooping plans in place.

You should have a keylogger, phone spyware, a VAR, and any other tool that you can utilize before you begin pushing for NO CONTACT before you begin your next push.

Once you have your snooping tools in place (during this time, you should begin Plan A), then begin to DEMAND that all contact with her AP END.

The reason you need to snoop, is because when you begin, you need to know that it has ended, not that she has just gotten sneaky about her contact.

Read up and get to work!

It's hard to snoop from an overseas deployment.
I'm stumped.

Uh, yah. I thought they were both overseas together. Wishful thinking I guess.

opt

Specwarcb,

Both my H and I are retired from the military. My H's A was during deployment and I agree it is much more difficult to recover a marriage when one of the spouses is deployed. There is less opportunity to determine whether no contact has been established. However, there are some approaches.

Are either your wife or the other man in the military? Is your wife working with the other man? At this point, I would not worry too much about snooping about your wife's contact with this man. She admits to an EA and that she is still talking to him. Expose the affair to everyone who can influence her to stop. Family, friends, work - if your wife and OM work together.

AM

Blorp!

Missed that important piece of information!

Only possible would be checking bills/records online.

YOu know I was thinking about this... Not all deployments are unaccompanied. Is your wife with you? If she is back home and not with you, I would suspect there are things you can do. There is still a chain of command back home. U can utilize that if there are people that you trust that remained behind on your deployment. Another thing you may want to suggest is that she stay with relatives you trust. They can help keep an eye on her until deployment is over, and if they are willing, maybe do some snooping on your behalf.

CV