Yes, great advice, thank you!

We are doing much better at this. I've asked my wife to communicate a little more clearly even on the small stuff like grocery lists, etc. We had an incident awhile back where she wrote "can of tomatoes" on the list. I grabbed a can of tomatoes but the recipe called for "tomato sauce" which is what she had meant in her mind. She's been doing much better and when I'm not sure what she meant I've been asking.

In an unrelated topic we have a bit of a disconnect on timing when it comes to thoughtful requests. My wife's version of a request would be, "can you fix the toilet paper roll holder?", or, "It would be great if you could help me organize my stuff in the garage." These are perfectly fine, however I'm never sure WHEN to fulfill them. I asked her if we could make "honey do" lists with specific dates and times and plan for them. That way I believe will lead to less disappointments, do you agree?

I think that's a good idea, Hill. I think it's important not to agree to more than you feel you can do. Many men have a tendency to try to please their wives by saying "yes" to everything, and of course then they can't DO everything. Remember that it is important to try to meet your wife's emotional needs and if there's something she'd like done, that's a great way to take care of it, but make sure you are honest with yourself and with her and if you don't think there is time say "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." Better than that say, "I'm doing such-and-such, when would you like me to take care of this? ... Well, that's when I was going to do such-and-such for you instead, how about ... ?"

Most importantly: be pleasant and cheerful during these conversations. Be flexible and sincerely willing to take care of her. Be sweet.

How's the work on "stewing" going, Hill?

Dr. Harley has some good material on meeting the need for domestic support. When he started doing marriage counseling decades ago many men expressed an emotional need for domestic support. Nowadays many women are expressing that need! Besides career women, stay at home mothers of small children often feel this need.

There's some material for that in HNHN, HNHN for Parents, and in the Q&A section on this website, and probably some forms in the workbook. Prisca and I started that awhile back and will probably get back to it some time in the next few months; I am looking forward to that.

Yep I'm Mr Fixit, even though I can't fix most of the things she needs. I've been working on the following with my wife. I think this might make some of the fellas here laugh:

Her: "Honey, the kids were misbehaved today, baby screamed and needed to be held, I'm so worn out."

Old Me: "Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it? Tell them Daddy is not happy. Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?"

New Me: "Gosh I'm so sorry honey. When I watch them I get worn out in about a half hour so I totally understand. How about I pick up sushi on the way home?"

What is that?

This works well in our house. I'm hands on cook, do dishes, bath kids, make lunches, etc a lot. She has expressed a need for me to handle more of the outside chores. Admittedly I'm not the handiest guy in the world, but from a conversation we had recently I gather that if I can't repair it, then she wants me to be the one to make the effort to hire someone to do it.

Wow, GREAT! Very, very empathetic! How did you remember to do that?

Well I'm highly motivated and I am trying to think always of how my wife might take anything I might say. How do I remember? Well I carry a giant needle in my right pocket. Right before I call, email, or text my wife I jab myself in the leg to remind myself not to be a big jerk. Works like a charm.

Wow, Hilltopper, I'm impressed Great job!

Now, just for discussion and something to think about, do you see how the Old You could come across as DJing in that first paragraph?

Markos used to talk to me the same way ... this is how I would take it:

"Well were you consistent when you punished them? Did they respect you when you did it?" Were you doing your job right or slacking again?

"Did you give baby enough to eat, maybe she's just hungry?" ...because you obviously can't figure out how to take care of your own child."

Not saying that's what the Old You meant, but can you see how a tired mother of young children might take it that way?

The second paragraph is so much more empathetic and successful at showing care ... Great job!

Yes I was a chronic DJer and it takes every ounce of my being not to be one. I was just thinking in the car on the way back from lunch that I've been a sarcastic DJer most of my life. My Dad is one too. We are very compassionate men and when people or friends truly "get us" they know that we'll be the most loyal, honest, and compassionate friends on earth. We are both emotional men. Shocker right? I can cry or get teared up over just about anything, the national anthem, a great moment in sports. I had to decline marrying my closest friend because there was no way I could get past one sentence without falling to pieces. This learning experience for me is good for my wife and our marriage. It is also good for me as a person in general. I don't have to be a [censored], you know? In fact I've enjoyed not being one over the past few days and I think I could get used to it.

So yes Prisca I can see how my wife and people in general take me, and that my DJer attitude has gotten me in a big hole that I'm trying to dig out of. By the way I've just got the shovel now, I traded in the Earth Mover.

"Stewing." This was your word, your wife's word, for part of your over-thinking process.

How has eliminating that been going?

Sorry HHH, I realized that humor doesn't go over as well in a post as it does in person. What I meant was, no I haven't been stewing very much at all. If I feel something then I immediately talk to my wife and avoid the "stewing" all together.

**edit**

Or I could just be irritated because you called me a snowflake in another post, lol.

My bad, Hill.

Good.

I had kind of reflected on this, and had some ideas about it.

What you are doing now is excellent, though.

Perhaps you meant this for another member? Nice to meet you Daisy!

OH I AM SOOOOOO LAME! I saw HoldHerHand so much on this thread, I thought it was his. My apolozies. Not sure if I can delete that post, but I will try. That's what happens when I can only get on here for a few minutes at a time each day and try to rush with my posts...do forgive me. I'll be more careful next time.

HHH,

Actually I'd like your ideas on the subject very much!