DIZ,

Divorces only go quickly if you cooperate with them. I speak from experience. My D would have taken a long time if I had resisted and dragged my feet.

That is your plan. It's your plan because it buys you time. DO NOT agree with her desires for a quick divorce. If anything, you should file first to control the pace of the proceedings. You can file first, drag things out, then withdraw your petition in order to force her to file.

These are delaying tactics. You can also file on the grounds of abandonment, since she's left the home.

Kids are with me, exposed.

Do I force counseling? Honestly, she is soooo angry, it is really hard for me to see any reconciliation. Honestly. This really happens?

No, the goal now is to break up the affair by exposing. You can't force her to go to counseling and even if you could, that would probably be disasterous to your marriage.

Your best chance of reconciliation is to fight for your marriage by exposing it and by running off the OM. Raise holy hell for him and encourage your kids to speak to her about what she is doing to their family. You should not whitewash her wrongdoings for your wife. That helps no one.

Is reconciliation likely? Maybe not, but ending the affair is the ONLY chance of reconciliation and exposure is the only way to end the affair.

All the legal wrangling takes time. By then you and she will decide whether reconciliation is possible or desirable.

Until the affair is DEAD, you don't have a prayer.

Angry is good. Do not fret it. And honesty YES it happens. Let reality set in and let her realize what a D will look like. But let her know you love her and want to work it out but on required terms. Let that fog lift a little and clear and you will probably see a different view and a different woman once she realizes what SHE did. This is not your doing its HERS to own. She has to woman up and own the responsibility and repercussions of HER actions.
Also go see your MD today. Stress is heavy heavy. Get some RX to help you be Bond, James Bond.

DiA -

One of the things you have absolutely got to remove from your make-up RIGHT NOW is the American "It's got to be the moronic man's fault!" mentality. It will continue to neuter your actions.

Honestly, she is soooo angry

REALLY? REALLY?????

She runs off to Vegas, gets thoroughly and satisfyingly plowed and stuffed by Mr. Attache, comes home, expecting to have hubby now dutifully wash out her dainties, and continue being the proper husband, until she can figure out how to plan a vacation to Norway, buts gets discovered.......

and SHE'S ANGRY ??????

You want to find a way to blot out the image of her anger? Focus on her laying back on that queen-sized Vegas bed, displaying where your children entered this world, right before OM jumped on, heading in the other direction!

Dude, you're supposed to be the one abso-effin'-lutely livid. Stop playing the role that the US femi-nazis have mandated you follow.

PLAN AND ACT STARTING NOW TO INCREASE HER ANGER, RUIN EVERY FACET OF HER LIFE!!!!!

Because THAT life, the one you will now ruin, is the one that encouraged and supported her infidelity.

I do not see if you have affected the OM yet, who on his side have you exposed to?

The anger is expected and normal. Her response so far is very typical.

It sucks for you because you've never been in this situation before. We've seen your story hundreds of times. Sometimes the marriage is saved. Sometimes it isn't.

The one constant is that the betrayed never regrets exposure and nothing is as effective in getting an affair to end.

Your anxiety is also normal, in addition to you doubting if the advice we're giving is the best course of action.

So far, you've been a "by the book" case of wayward and betrayed behavior.

Don't mistake "figthing for your marriage" with becoming an a*hole. Think James Bond again. Does he act like a raging a*hole because he fights? He looks cool while fighting. He does what's necessary to get the mission accomplished. He's calculating, calm, collected, and determined. When he's done with the mission, he sits down, gets himself a Martini, shaken, not stirred.

That man gets seen as a hero by the WW if and when she comes out of her fog.

A huge part of this process is standing your ground. Think of how scared that student in Tienamen Square was when he stood in front of a column of tanks. Nothing prevented those tanks from running him over and squashing him. Yet he stood his ground, likely crapping his pants as the picture was taken, but stood there, stoic and brave and showing no fear. Did he feel fear? Absolutely. But he stood his ground.

Same advice for a BH. Stand your ground. Be ready to fight if necessary.

I would consult a lawyer and discuss your options. Have something ready to file, just in case.

Also, take all your finances and protect them. She will drain your bank account, if given the chance.

Again, I speak from experience. I thougth, "She'd never...."

Well, she did.

Take all funds out of joint bank accounts and put them into new accounts only you have access to.

When she blows her top, you say, "I'm protecting myself and the kids from your behavior. If you return, commit to saving and rebuilding our marriage, and agree to cutoff all contact with OM for life, I will be happy to treat you as my wife. If not, then you deal with the reality of divorce. Since you want to be single, then you can start with supporting yourself. I also have no obligation to pay for you to committ adultery."

Remember, you're scared but standing your ground and showing a brave face. You look determined, brave, cool, and unflinching.

You're James Bond. You're Bruce Lee.

And she will be majorly ticked off because you're not funding her cheating. She'll call you everything in the book. Just expect it.

Then pick up the phone and continue to make the OM's life he77.

Also, look into Alienation of Affection lawsuits and if that doesn't work or is unavailable, look into "Willful infliction of emotional distress" against OM.

Will you win? Not likely. But seeing legal papers often scares the living he77 out of OM, who run off to greener pastures.

Hang in there Down. We are all rooting for you.

All solid stuff. You also just got one of your first 2x4s. It was given with care. Get pissed off yourself and I mean PISSED OFF. Again this isnt a trip to the park its a WAR. Strategies for WAR is whats needed to WIN the WAR. And its seldom nice.
Know that with her A going on and not making her accountable that you were for sure headed for a divorce. FOR SURE. OR likely you plan doormat her and 2 years down the road she hiney ups for another OM because you allowed her to not own her actions and require preventions to prevent another A and have a happy M. It happened to me and Ill be DOUBLE D D/Amed if Ill ever walk this walk again. I will walk away from that threat gladly and apologize to my children for there mothers actions as I TAKE CUSTODY from her. Its my plan and either get on the train or get the He11 off of it. Draw that hard line but show her that line has a edge that wont be crossed without consequences. And show her all of this calmly and with the love you have for her and your family.
Im pissed for you Im Pissed enough to call his boss and his boss and his boss and spill the truth all over the internet and papers for you. Are you pissed yet...I am! Fear not her anger, fear a loveless M that will likely have multiple A's if YOU dont put a stop to it now. We tell you all of this with love and sincerity from men that truly feel and even weep for you. We know the battle and we walked your shoes. We dont come here telling BHs things to kill a M. We hope and aspire for your M to recover to its fullest potential when we see the love you have for you family and your WW.
I prayed for you and your family last night and all this week with my WW. I dont know your name but I know your pain!

so she is angry and is spewing hateful, lurid, vile things. It sucks, but we have heard all of these things and many of us still have our M's intact. She is trying to get you to stop - she is trying to control you, not the other way around.

You need to contact the embassy and really lower the boom on this bum. He has it coming, as he gurgled out of a sewer somewhere and needs to learn some manners. And most important, he will run for the hills (the fjords?) and never speak to his little tart again. Exterminate the A, then you can move to the next step.

Right now you are following a plan and she is acting out of blind rage. She has just abandoned her children and she will find out just how stupid a move that is pretty quickly. Tell her son that he can stay with you as long as he likes and if she comes for him and he says he wants to stay she will have to go to court to get him back. What does his biological father know about all this?

You have to realize she is non compos mentis right now, which is exactly where you want her to be. Discount what she says, hard as that is. And do what the veterans tell you to do - don't think, don't wring your hands, just do it.

DiA,

Here being angry is GREAT. It really is. It is a much better state than being withdrawn from you. For better or worse she is paying attention to you. As others have said, I will say again. Work on exposing the affair and putting heat on the OM.

The affair must end first, then and only then does this marriage have a shot.

Hang in there and give this Time and Patience.

God Bless,

JL

Plan A and make yourself the very best husband you can.

Her anger is what it is. Her anger is her response to her lies being exposed to others.

"You chose the behavior, you chose the consequences." - Dr Phil

Plan A is NOT all about ruining every facet of her life.
No.
Plan A = life with you looks good.
Plan A = life with adultery/OM looks bad.

Plan A is not punishment or revenge.
Anyone who posts that way has a lack of understanding.

Plan A is about stopping her adultery by means of the stick. Good job you!

Plan A is not punishment or revenge.
Anyone who posts that way has a lack of understanding.

Plan A? She's moved out of the house and is threatening divorce. Talking "Plan A" right now is absurd. Right now DiA is in "Plan Self Preservation".

His WW's life right now is fueled by affair-drugged fantasy, supported by her elevated sense of entitlement, and armed with her belief that he will "take" her abuse without response.

I'm urging him to disabuse her of most of that atmosphere. That will work to kill her affair. Plan A can follow.

Now wait a minute, Plan A is Plan Self preservation. Plan A means he works to kill the affair while protecting himself in every way. It is a comprehensive approach. Being in Plan A never means you stop protecting yourself, even if that means hiring a pit bull attorney and moving your money.

Plan A is a stick and a carrot. Neverguessed, you and I are good at the STICK part; others are good at the carrot part. It takes both types!!

And, sometimes people want to take that carrot and STICK it someplace ....