Wow, I'm so glad to hear this. Ive been checking during the day to see if you had posted.

thank you. very long day. 5 hour process total. horrible

on top of it ended up at cardio md this AM, with heart palps. have to wear a halter- please i am 42. i told him it was stress, echo agreed nothing physically wrong. but not good, to carry too much stress.

Sorry that the process was horrible...

I bluffed my WH with a poly and he supposedly told me everything, I was 98% sure I had the full truth so I didn't follow through. There have been more than a few times over the past few years that I wish I had just followed through with it. It's good that you won't have to wonder.

Re the postnup, that wouldn't be a "EP" but more a condition of yours to stay in the M. Would your H be willing to do it? You would need to see a lawyer to get more details on that.

I had palpitations too and they were so scary. How are you eating and sleeping?

Hang in there, chicka!

finally slept for 8 hours! eating is slow, he it trying to force the food! the weightloss doesnt help the palps.

the poly is vague in a way, you dont get graphic details of everything it was more like is there anything else you have not told. if that help you, i am sure you got it all, stop wondering you have come way to far!

i am goign to look into the EP. he would do it with out unless i leave him pennyless, HA!

now my problem is the graphic details of the truth, thats what hit me last night. its just so much to absorb. I have to get back into my plan A mode, its just a bit hard to get thru the thoughts.

Happy to hear you got a good night's sleep

Have you thought about ADs to help you through this time? My sister and many others have used them here with success. I don't do well with medicine, I just exercised instead (it is supposed to work as good/better than ADs)...

Are you two continuing your UA time or is it tough for you right now?

I would like to stay away from them right now, I cant take an advil normally. breathing things.

we are actually pretty much spending all of our out of work time together, i has been helpful in getting thru this past week. I think. I have had friends say why dont you get some time apart come out for dinner. I am just not there yet. I dont know why.

He actually requested that we get back to reviewing the needs, the day before i said, you should really look at your needs sheets... he said wow i havent done one of those on that list, in my head i said yeah that why you have no food for dinner and im not ripping my clothes off. i just smiled and said it would probably help that we get back on track.

this week has just been alot, so back on schedule...

How do i deal with the images in my head? it is so much, i feel a bit insecure and maybe like i am not going to be enough. I dont know i am dealing with many A's and variety. just makes me a bit sick and then angry then insecure then..... list goes on. hard to explain, but i know someone out there gets it.

looking for advice on how to get past the thoughts? any help?

he has been very reassuring and knows this will take time, its just eatingme up inside.

I'm sorry Dee,
I know what you are going through and all I can say is it does get better. I went through that for about a month and I can say it was not a good month. I literally blew up at my husband at one point.... He sat there and took it all then when I got it all out, he sat and held me untill I was spent.

I'm not good at the "turning my thoughts around" thing so I cant really help you there. I wish I had the answers for you but your husband really seemed to be on board with the program so maybe he can help.

Just a random thought here but maybe you can have a code word or something like that set up with him and when you need more reasurance instead of bringing up the affair which makes you and him think of it even more. When he see or hears that "code" he will know you just need to hear how much you mean to him and you are the only thing he needs in his life. He may just be one of those men that you have to let him know what you need and when you need it. My husband just knows now, I cant explain it but he can read me so much better now.

He seemed good at writing things down, maybe he can write you a note you can keep with you at all times and you can read it when you are starting to have the thoughts.

I know you want to stay away from AD's but what about something more like a zanex. Something you dont take every day but only when you start to feel panic and obsesive.

I'm on Effexor (I was already on this before the D-Day)becuase it also helps with the OCD of going over and over it in my head but I DO NOT recommend it for someone that only needs it for a short time becuase it is REALLY hard to come off it, it has major withdrawl symptoms.

Bump for Dee.

I know this is one of the toughest parts and I don't really have any good answers. Thought you guys would have some suggestions.

thank you jlamp! i needed a bump.

chickadee,

Since your H is onboard enough to have spoken to Dr H and to have done the polygraph, I think you should seize the moment and sign up for the online course if you can possibly afford it. If you do not do this now, you will probably find, as I did, that your H's enthusiasm for "recovery" wanes gradually, then your marriage slides back into its recent condition, and then in a year or two, when you realise that you desperately need to sign on for the course, your H won't be enthusiastic.

Your H and mine have similarities in that their affairs have gone on for years, and yet they never wanted to leave us. (I listened to you both on the radio show.) Your H is a serial offender, whereas mine had a PA and a lingering EA with the same woman over several years. Both seem (to me) to be terribly sorry on D Day, and to be terribly committed to recovery, but in my H's case, that zeal wears off after a year or so.

Take this opportunity to register for the online programme. I have just registered me and my H on it, and it seems to be the best thing I could ever have done. Your H will be accountable to a coach, and you will not have to be the baddy, telling him what he is doing or not doing correctly. It is like having Dr Harley permanently on standby.

The coaches will help you, too (not just your H), to do what you need to do to rebuild the marriage, and not let you flounder or get discouraged.

Clearly, you need your H's agreement to participate. Do not sign up and commit all that money unless he agrees! But now is the moment that he probably will agree. If you miss this opportunity, then, like me, you will probably be stuck in a non-recovery for years.

Carpe diem, chickadee!

we are working with jennifer weekly, i dont want to overwhelm him. is that enough now? the prob is not him its me and the triggers.

You feeling any better today? I think it will just take time but I know that does not make it easier for you now.

I forgot that fact when I posted about the online course. Of course, Jennifer or Steve are more than enough for now! They are exactly what you need when you are in a crisis and need help.

I only spoke up for the online programme because it is a systematic, year-long programme that takes you through all Dr Harley's recommendations and makes you do written exercises. From what I can gather, your coach will tell you what exercise to tackle next, depending on the specific needs for your marriage, but I think you have to do everything eventually - all the worksheets. You cannot focus on, say, angry outbursts but leave something else out.

I just wanted you to use your H's remorse to get full participation from him. When he is fully into MB he won't withdraw from it, but if he gets the idea that things are okay between you and then his efforts lapse later, you might find it hard to get him to agree to seeking any more help.

Good for you about the coaching!

no lapsing for him, he actually got his own copy of HN/HN- i have it on kindle and another workbook, which we are already doing with Jen, but he wanted it. I did tell him to look online also.

he is definately into it, we reviewed our needs last night at his prompting.

last week, I wrote a list of all the racing thoughts in my head. we were talking last night and i gave it to him, he was blown away and upset/sad that he did this to me. i had a bit of a panic attack that i let all of the thoughts out of my head. he just held on to me, this was the first time i really broke down. i am glad the thoughts are out of my head now.

ok now how so i get to where i was with fulfilling the SF needs???? struggling...... thoughts creep in head. i was doing sooooo good before the last confession. dont want to fall into the trap again.....

It's a marathon, sweetie, not a sprint Healing takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
{{{chicka}}}

im trying.. thank you! this is just all consuming on so many levels.

Why don't you guys plan a trip or something? A vacation may do you some good...something different. I think sometimes it's nice to get a break from the same-old-same-old, especially the drama/fall-out from the affair. You know--just to do something *normal* again.

Hang in there, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction.