I am not new to the website. I have looked at many parts of the website. Although, I have not jumped on the bus in terms of following the different plans.

Just a bit of info before I talk about where I am at. I have been married for 13 years. I have two bio girls and two adopted girls that were our foster kids. We do foster kids and still have foster kids in the home. The A took place with my WW best friends H. They live only 4 houses down from us. The wife of the OH is the main bread winner for the family as the OH is out of work. It is really hard when they live so close and both WW and OH are at home during the day. Makes it even harder when my daugher is also best friends(only friend) with one of their kids.

It has been 6 months since I found out about the A with the OH. I found out about the affair after finding pictures(revealing) he sent her. Several weeks later the wife of the OH found out about the affair. Since then, the A has been dieing off slowly. It has not died off entirely. My WW did go out and pick him up while out shopping, go visit him etc... The OH also gave her a phone that my WW could contact him on if she didn't feel safe. He explained that men can be abusive sometimes. One of those things to get her to use the phone. I did find out about the phone and asked several questions as to whose phone it was etc... She explained that it was a friend that was having a hard time. This way she wouldn't be charged for extra fees for texts and such. I didn't believe it at all. She did show me the phone the following day. Although, any phone calls or texts that may have been sent between them had been deleted. To this day the phone periodically shows up at the house.
The other family has filed for a divorce. So, the OH is free to do what he wants. I just hope OH or OM moves away.

I have not done a full exposure yet. Just last week, I let my enlaws know what has been happening. They have suspected something has been going on. I told them out of desperation at the time because of the lies my WW would say when I kept finding the phone in her possesion.

So, a question to ask.

Only one of my best friends and her parents know. I have not told any other friends. Should I go through and push to expose the A to the rest of her friends? I have not told my parents either. One thing to note. She is responding better. She is spending more time at home and giving more attention. She is starting to tell me where she is at. I think my WW is now starting to relize her mistake. I am not sure that it has fully set in though.

Here are a few problems she has had:

She has lied most of her life. She lies mostly about finances. I have had to take out loans to cover for money that she has taken from her parents with out their consent. Also, during the time of the affair she stopped paying the morgage. So I had to get the morgage company to stop the forclosure etc... Was not a good time to know about the affair and have this happen. For the longest time WW would hide any bills that would come.

Any suggestions on what to do from here? It is getting better. Just need to fine tune it and get our lives where it should be.

Hi Tyler

It sounds to me like the A is still going on. I think everyone here will tell you the same thing they told me. Expose!
If you want to save your marriage you need to get your wife back. Exposure is the first step.
I understand that there are many lies but you are going to have to tackle this one step at a time. Ending the affair is what you need to concentrate on now.

Hmmm, you KNOW your WW has a history of lying, so what makes you SURE that the A is over? How did it end? What is your wife doing to make you think things are getting better and that she's starting to understand?

Here's my best guess after years of reading and keeping up with real life marriages dealing with infidelity. The A is still on and your WW is placating you to "get along".

If the A is really over, then she will be willing to institute extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage. If you've read "many parts of the website" then you already know this, right?

Your title says "looking for help for a WW"-- does that mean you are looking for help for her or you? Has she answered all your questions about the A? Is she totally transparent now?

If I were in your place, I would continue to snoop and ask her to write a "No Contact" letter to OM. I suspect you are being gaslighted until things calm down.

Does OM's BW know about the A? I would definitely expose to her, she has a right to know what went wrong in her marriage. Your families should be told as well so you can ask them for support for your marriage.

Have your children been told? They need to know what's been going too. Chances are they blame themselves for mom and dad's problems. Kids do that because everything's about them and their world.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Would you agree that you are quite the enabler? The biggest problem I see here is that you are enabling the affair and are in the long practice of enabling other bad behavior. Affairs thrive on secrecy so helping them keep the secret, keeps the affair alive. By allowing it to continue, the affair becomes more and more entrenched.

It is rare to see complacency of this degree. Complacency in these situations reflects a lack of caring. If I were your wife I would conclude that you don't care very much because you won't fight for your marriage. What are you willing to do to save your marriage? Anything?


What a shocking statement. Your W is in an affair and you live next door to the OM and your life is getting better? Better than what, exactly?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Tyler.

Well, you probably know what you've got: a lying, adulterous wife who is more than likely continuing the A as we 'speak'. So I'm not quite sure how it's 'getting better' as you've said. I think the reality is that she's just gotten better at hiding her affair partner from you.

My main question is what, exactly, you are looking for in the way of help? You made it clear in your first paragraph that you weren't on board with following the plans here.

Welcome,

As a FWW I wanted to let you know that MelodyLane i spot on here. Your continued compliance is showing your WW every day that she and your marriage are not really worth a fight. When my H FORCED me to tell him what was going on when I was in an A, I wasn't happy but it showed me that I was worth something. The OM had spent 9 months showing me how worthless I was to him and in one painful act of REAL love, my H showed me the exact opposite.

Because you value your marriage, read ALL the info on the MB site. Talk with the folks here and learn healthy strategies to save your WW from the biggest and most dangerous lie she's ever told. Take this opportunity to show you children what real love is. I know you're scared, but you can do this. Let your friends and family help you. You are worth it.

Courage,
Grace

Welcome Tyler,

Sorry you had to be here with us. Sounds like it's time to form a solid plan and follow through. My advice is that whether it is dying or not, it needs to be exposed. Limited exposure won't stop contact in a case like what you are describing. Set clear boundaries of what you will permit in your home and stick by them. Otherwise, it won't be the affair that dies, but your marriage and family.

Don't cover her sin for the money either. Make sure the parents know what she's been doing.

When you're trying to kill one, you don't just go "tap, tap, tap" on the stake with a teeny little hammer & and check its pulse every few seconds to see whether its heart is still beating, do ya? No! Instead, you take the biggest mallet & sharpest stake you can lay your hands on, and you pound on that sucker until the stake is buried in the vampire's chest & there's vampire-blood all over the place!

Uhhhhhh, G/O, don't hold back - tell us how you really feel!

Tyler, you have now entered the no-half-measures zone.

Do you want to save your marriage (y/n)?
If "yes", continue on; if "no" find another site.

Are you willing to fight, to struggle, to be ruthless in pursuit of saving your marriage (y/n)?
If "yes", continue on; if "no" find another site.

Are you willing to take the advice of experts-on-the-basis-of-experience, and KILL the affair (y/n)?
If "yes", continue on; if "no" find another site.

Good, now that you're here, listen to the advice and ACT on it.

Tyler, the gentlemen have spoken. What say you?

Thank you for all of your comments.

It looks like I alot of work ahead of me. Lots of the comments were hard to swallow as it was my fault. Part of learing. I plan on taking your suggestions and do something about it. I am going to do a full exposure and make sure everyone knows what is going on.

Any other thing I can do to make it clear to WW of the seriousness of the A?

Yes, you can make sure that you understand that no matter what you did before Tyler, the affair was not your fault. It was WW's choice to sin. Once you come to grips with that, I believe it will help you stay firm.

The most important thing is that you are going to have to move to another house if you want to recover your marriage. [one suggestion would be to rent your house out and move elsewhere] Your marriage won't recover living next to the OM. She will be triggered every day and it is very unlikely she will ever end her affair. You need to make clear to your wife the seriousness of your boundaries and put a stop to this nonsense. You should DEMAND she end all contact or this will lead to divorce. And expose her affair to everyone. Especially your children.

If your W is reckless with money, I would strongly suggest you cut her off as much as possible. She has been allowed to operate as a wrecking ball to your family and marriage. With your help, Sir! Your enabling has been a disaster to your marriage.

OK this is a common quote I tell allot of BHs here. GROW A PAIR and MAN UP. Get pissed off instead of being pissed on. EXPOSE this ugly A for what it is.

The full measure of the damage won't be evident to her right away. She's got a long road ahead of her, and it will be looking back in the rear view that will really show her the results of her actions. You sound like you are thinking you can educate her right now, and you can't - she's foggy. You can't educate a foggy wayward.

Tyler, MB, Et.al,

There is so much wisdom in this.. If I had discovered MB website the first year I could have avoided so many mistakes just like this one. Let me explain:

While there was no OM fog, there was fog from all the lies that WW had told herself. She said she loved me, wanted to work it out and stay, was totally compliant and willing to do what was asked.

My response to this was "There is a short learning curve and if you want to stay, you better had learn fast"... Fine and dandy if you are sitting in a class learning Spanish or something... Not the same when you are 2 days past Hiroshima. Neither party thinks clear that first year, and the expectation for someone to "get it" immediately after is rare. The reality is most people learn slowly, bit by bit. Things that were learned and known at the beginning and during the marriage were tossed away and forgotten with the A, covered up by lies.

It is a slow reeducation process that comes as realization dawns. I tried to force it, and the analogy of a man standing in a fog swinging a fly swatter to dispel the fog really is true. Light has to dawn and slowly dispel the fog in order for things to be seen clearly. It is an uneasy line that the BS faces, wanting to educate and knowing that you have to wait for realizations to be come to by the WWS.

There is a point where once the initial attack of exposure is over, you engage in a war of attrition, waiting and working at the same time. The "wearing down" or attrition comes so often through our responses to our WWS's, depositing in the LBank, meeting EN's enforcing EPs, etc...