Ugh SOL, these men from Match know where she lives??? That is so scary. She is newly divorced, already on Match and revealing that much personal info? Yikes! I have friends who use Match and one of their hard and fast rules is that they NEVER allow a new interest to pick them up from their home. They ALWAYS meet instead at a public place.

Do you realize how dangerous this is to your boys? Does Pinky not have a lick of sense?

Even Match.com recognizes the danger. The Do's and Don'ts of Dating Off-line and On-line

This doesn't even count the emotional harm that she is doing to her boys, who are just now getting used to the fact that their parents are divorced.

Sheesh.

Well this week has been off to an odd start. This should have been the first full week of Pinky having the boys. We are supposed to 'swap out' the boys every Monday. Pinky has been putting off taking 'her week' even though she has been moved out since the 12th of May. Yesterday should have started her first week.

She picked the boys up around 9 am yesterday. By noon she texted me reminding me that I am supposed to take the boys back for one night a week during 'her week'. This was part of our plan to offset the time she has them between school and me coming home from work during 'my week'. We agreed that I would have the boys Wednesday evenings during her week.

Around 3 pm she texted again asking me if I could take DS8 for the night. DS11 was going to spend the night at her friends and she claimed she had to work all night. Of course I agreed to take my son again. I took him for ice cream and we drove past her house on the way there and on the way home. Both times her car was not there, which tells me she wasn't home working. Whatever. I just don't appreciate being lied to. She could have told me she had plans and I still would have taken my son.

Then today at DS8's baseball game, she dropped off both boys and left, asking me to drop them back off at her house after the game, which I did. Before she left she told me that she and her new boyfriend were "getting serious", and she wanted to let me know that she planned on introducing him to the boys. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, "OK, that's your prerogative", or something similar. She also told me that her parents were going to take the boys one night earlier than planned, and they will be staying with them from the 9-25 June, while I am away at training.

This now means that she will have the boys overnight for one night in the month of June. Maybe 3 at the most. I come home on the 25th and am due to get my boys back for 'my week' starting the 27th. She may have the boys on 25-26, but I suspect she will ask her parents to just keep them until I take them on that Monday.

I enjoyed the game and DS8 played his best game yet. After I dropped them back off, Pinky came out and tried to talk to me about how she is coming along with getting her health care started. I was pretty detached and uninterested (no eye contact) and was able to end the conversation quickly. I was pissed.

Not about her and her new 'boyfriend', but I was angry about how the heck she can find the time to become 'serious', while she is supposedly so busy working. Well I know how- she is taking advantage of me having the boys all the time, freeing her up to live her exciting single life and enjoy her Match exploits. All at the expense of my boys.

I want to keep letting her make her own decisions, and I am documenting. I don't mind having my boys more than 50% of the time at all. What I DO mind is paying her CS for her having the boys 50% of the time when she doesn't even take them 10% of the time. I'm not sure how long I have to wait to legally adjust our agreement, but I suspect it's longer than two months.

I want to write her an email voicing my views on this 'introduction' of her new boyfriend. I want to remind her that the 'no overnight guests' clause is still in effect and that I have no issues with her new relationship, but I do have issues on how that may play out with the boys at this time. I want to tell her to take it slow with them and question how she can be sure this relationship may be long term when she can only have been seeing him for several weeks. I want to caution her not to introduce multiple men to the boys to avoid their confusion that it may bring. I suspect she wants to force their acceptance of this new guy for her own selfish reasons. I'm not writing this email tonight because I know I am too angry right now, but I will talk/email her about it before I leave.

As Scotty says, Wayturds suck a$$.

Not!! So good to 'see' you again! I have missed you. I hope you are doing well my friend. Thank you for checking in.

You and PM are right. Pinky just doesn't see how anything affects anybody besides herself. Very frustrating still.

Oh, _SOL, I'm so sorry. I know something about what you're going through. It's bad enough to see your WS destroy a marriage, but when they completely blow off their own kids it hurts. I have hurt for my children so much through all this.

I think it goes along with the Wayward territory. They are selfish. Terribly selfish. In my case it was almost like my WXH was living a life of pretense. He was pretending to be a good husband, a good father, a good church-goer. And then he finally hit a point where he couldn't pretend any longer.

First, he told me that he didn't believe in the Bible, but that I couldn't divorce him because *I* didn't have Biblical grounds. Next, he moved out of the house to pursue the OW (but wanted ME to pretend that he still lived there). Finally, after the divorce was filed, he gave up completely on pretending to be a decent father.

_SOL, here's my suggestion about the custody agreement and Pinky's neglect of the kids. For the next several months, just let it go. Spend as much time with your kids as you can. Love them. Be the father they want and need, and just be thankful that her mother is around to give them some mothering.

I believe that in most states they don't want you to try to change the custody order for at least a year unless there is some kind of emergency situation. Ask your lawyer or do some Googling to find out. But, as soon as the typical time is up march down to the courthouse and file for a change. If you haven't already, start now keeping a detailed list of times when you have the kids, when she has them, and when her parents (or other friends/relatives) have them.

When you show up with a year's worth of records showing how little time she has spent with the kids, you will be awarded primary custody and she will have to pay YOU child support.

Sadly, you are going to have to think of child custody and child support issues as a war. A long drawn-out war. Pinky doesn't even realize that she won the first battle. (I'm assuming she got 50% custody and child support.) She doesn't want to be with the kids and she probably thinks that the child support money is for HER, not for her to spend on the kids.

Right now you are working on the stealth campaign. You are spending as much time as possible with the children and maintaining a great relationship with them. You just have to think of the money you're giving her now as a cost of war. It will be worth it when you win the next battle.

It's usually a year between child support changes. Document, document, document!

I wouldn't advise her introducing someone to the boys within six months because it takes up to that long for the newness of the relationship to wear off and see what they really have...honestly, it can take way longer to know someone. My XH didn't show his true colors until 2 1/2 years into our relationship and unfortunately, we were already married by then.

Pinky's a fool, but then you don't need me to tell you that. I can't imagine not wanting to spend all the time I could with my kids!

Quote

What I DO mind is paying her CS for her having the boys 50% of the time when she doesn't even take them 10% of the time. I'm not sure how long I have to wait to legally adjust our agreement, but I suspect it's longer than two months.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it right now except continue to document the time they are spending with you. At some point down the road you can ask your attorney if it would be worth it to pursue an adjustment in your arrangement, making sure that it wouldn't go the wrong way in court.

I would continue to document not only to hopefully lower your financial burden but also to potentially change who would be the legal guardian of your kids while deployed. If she is like this while you are here what could happen while you are away and no one is keeping track of what she is doing with your kids?

Limb, I just wanted to remind you that you seem to be coming very close to the fantasy divorce here. Be very careful. It is a slippery slope and it will be VERY confusing to those boys.

BTW, Plan B after D? I think it would be good for you, for a while at least. Find yourself an IM, and find someone else to watch those boys for you for the 90 minutes afterschool. Could they stay home by themselves?

Document eveything that you can, and try to get those boys for MORE time and pay her less CS. She doesn't deserve to have them with her when she is behaving like this and it is damaging those poor children.

Yes, I am documenting everything. I don't have a real warm and fuzzy about the future here, but there isn't much I can do for now besides document. Her parents are very involved and will also be watching her closely as we go forward. I will speak to my lawyer about how to procede down the road if she doesn't improve regarding the custody split and CS amounts if I have them much more than 50%.

It may be difficult to try to get full custody when I'm scheduled to deploy again in March 2013. I did send Pinky an email today on the subject. I talked about some specifics regarding her coming to my house while I'm gone for training (I leave this Saturday). Then I got into the subject of her telling me she wanted to introduce her new boyfriend to the boys. Here is what I wrote:

"I was also thinking about you planning on introducing the boys to your new guy friend. I don't have any issues with him personally as I don't know him at all but only caution you to be real sure you think this relationship may be lasting before you introduce him as a 'boyfriend'. I mean, how long have you been seeing him? I don't think it could be more than 6 weeks or so. I would recommend giving it a couple months after the 'excitement phase' ends and you really get to know each other more. In my opinion, all new relationships start on a big 'high' and only after spending lots of time together can you be sure they are right for a long-term relationship. It's only after spending the time that you can see the other person's faults and flaws and they see yours.

For myself, I don't plan on introducing anybody to them until I've been seeing somebody exclusively for at least 6 months or so and I feel very strongly that it may be a very long-term relationship. It's not that I don't trust your new guy to be 'safe' with the boys. I'm more concerned with how the situation would be taken by the boys. The divorce is still very recent for them and I don't think they have established their new 'routines' with both of us independently yet. I have read that it is very hard and damaging to younger children to have a revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends coming in and out of their life. The fear I have is if they meet this guy and like him and things don't work out after they have become attached to him. Loss and disappointment all over again. I also think the boys are craving time/attention from you and may become jealous of your new friend.

I'm not insinuating that you are going to have a 'revolving door' of guys coming around. I just question that introducing him at this point is really in the boys' best interest, or is it more for yours? The boys haven't spent that much time at your place with just you yet and I'm not sure how comfortable they are with their new situation. Introducing a new partner so soon may cause them more confusion. Just my opinion.

Obviously you are going to do what you think is best, but I wanted to offer my opinion anyway. Just please do some research on the topic of introducing new partners after a divorce and be careful with the boys. That's all I ask. Thanks."

I'm interested to see how she responds. I suspect she will reply with defensiveness and anger, but I'll see. I just wish she would stop being so damn selfish and think more about the boys.

Scotty, I don't think I need to go Plan B as of yet. My feelinigs are truely dead towards her. I think having to route everything through an IM at this point would actually make things more stressful for me. For now I will document and watch. Watch very closely.

SOL,
Well put, very sensitively handled. I'm glad you raised those concerns to her...of course, she may not care what you think or how it affects the boys, but at least you tried.

I honestly do not know how you stop yourself from knocking her block off.

Serenity prayer is my lifesaver. That and the thought of going to jail, losing my boys and my career. Karma will even things up eventually.

She did reply to my email by the way, but only to the specific questions I asked her prior to what I shared here. She played ostrich with all of that stuff. Typical. Not what she wants to hear so she simply ignores. At least I tactfully told her what I thought. Feel a little better about that anyway, although I already knew she would do it anyway. We'll see.

I just read thru this entire thread, and all I can say is I wish the best for you and the boys SOL. I know when my stbxh and I separated, without a car, I did have to rely and ask for help on occassion, then decided long ago it was far better paying my daughter to help when I needed to go somewhere, or whatever. Worth every penny to me not to have to see dimwit.

As it stands now, I can count on two hands how many times I've seen him since the first of the year, and of those, twice that we actually said more than six words, those both involved him informing me he was hiring and paid for his lawyer. Have not talked to him since the end of March. Just a couple heated text messages for health info he was not wanting to give me for her.

Life is getting more peaceful by the minute! Hope you continue doing well, and keep up the good work with the boys! They are lucky to have a dad like you!

SOL --

I lost track of you .... just did some catching up.

Sadly, you should expect Pinky to keep right on doing what she's doing. She will likely introduce them in spite of your email.

Try not to be too condiscending with her, because it will antagonize her and she may do some of these things just to spite you. To prove that you're not the boss of her....

Yep. She a juvenille. She's gonna act like an immature 20 year old for awhile.

Stay on the high road.

Just curious, but is there any chance you might consider retiring before this 2013 deployment?

SOL

Just an update.
Our son learned he will be stationed in Germany.
Where he will be deployed is not currently known.

Take care.

Hey Pep, that's great news. I really liked Germany. I'm sure your son will enjoy the experience. Especially if he hasn't been to Europe before. It is a nice country with lots of culture and things to explore.

Lexxxy, thanks for catching up with me. It's funny you ask if I have considered retirement before the next deployment. I reached 20 years of active federal service 4 days ago. I've been in for almost 25 years but my first 5 years were regular National Guard. I've thought a lot about my future recently, but I think I'm going to stay in a while longer.

Part of the reason I went Warrant was to stay in longer with the added benefit of stability. In my position, I can stay right where I'm assigned and continue to get promoted and not have to move or be transferred. Since my youngest is only 8, I wanted the job security and stability in order to allow my boys to grow up in the same school system. I plan to stay another 10 years.

This decision was made when I was 'happily married', and thought it was the best decision for my family at the time. Little did I know what was about to transpire. In light of recent events, I have second guessed this decision many times, but still feel it was the right move to go officer. I love what I do although it has it's challenges. Also, the longer I continue to serve, the less of my retirement will go to Pinky.

I've also had some time to reflect and digest my new life. To tell the truth, I've been a bit down lately and miss my old "pre-affair" life. I made the mistake of looking at my ex's facebook page yesterday. Wow, what a mistake that was! Seeing her posts back and forth with her online girlfriends talking about going out and meeting guys. Ugghh. I knew I shouldn't have looked. She is so very lost.

I had been doing pretty good with the whole detachment and moving on thing, and suppose I still am. I just occasionally look back and still wonder how and why all of this has happened and I still can't make much sense of it all. It is such a waste and a damn shame. Before I wallow around in self-pity, I realize there isn't any going back so I don't dwell in these thoughts often. I have been away at Army training the last two weeks and miss my boys. Just sort of lonely really.

I miss the security and intimacy and sense of completeness that I had with my family. Now it's 'us' and 'her' and I don't like that. I know there will be good days and bad. I mostly have good days now and I'm usually able to stop myself from allowing the bad days to affect me. I need to get more involved in other activities once I get home this Saturday. Staying busy helps. It's when I'm bored and alone that I start to feel down.

Does the troop withdrawal change things for you SOL?
That would be really great...

Just be glad its "us" and "her" instead of "them" and "me".
You're getting the better end of the deal.

Be pro-active in getting some things planned (for yourself) when the boys will be gone. For at least the first few months in this new routine, get yourself SCHEDULED. Stay busy. Stay active. Ironically then you will find that you start to cherish "home alone" quiet time....

Lexxxy, the troop withdrawal may have an impact, however it's too soon to tell. They can handle the drawdown in several different ways. We will still have many troops there and they can either send us at less than 100% or not at all. So far we are still going.

You are right (as usual) and I do now cherish my 'home alone' time. I've been keeping myself busy and doing things with the boys. It seems I never have enough time to do everything I want to do!

Things are going very well for me currently. I'm now 5 months post-D and it's been 3 months since Pinky moved out. What a world of difference in my life in this relatively short time, and almost all for the better.

I feel pretty good lately and dare I say 'recovered'? The dust has settled from the divorce and settlement and things aren't too bad. My boys seem to be doing pretty well and we have had a nice summer. Pinky has been lacking in her involvement with the boys, however she seems to be taking a greater interest as of late and that is a very good thing. I will continue to monitor very closely.

Our schedule with the boys has started to become more stable and predictable and seems to be working. Personally, I think I have become indifferent to my ex, which is good. It is very liberating to go for days on end without so much as a thought about her or what she is up to. We are still in regular contact but it's always about the boys and their future activities and such. No major issues with finances and we actually are cooperating very well.

I'm still seeking balance regarding managing my own time, but it's getting better. I still work a lot and have very few weekends to myself. When I have the boys I try my best to make it 'quality time'. I still have lots of plans on things I want to do with the house, but there is no rush.

I have been doing much better than expected in the dating world, and I think I am approaching it in a good way. I have met several very nice women and enjoy my time and communication with them. I stay very up front and open with my female interests and it seems to be working. I'm not really looking for any kind of long term relationships, but I'm not ruling it out if it were to develop either. I am really enjoying this casual dating thing and getting to know a variety of different women. I'm currently talking with 5 very nice women ranging from 28 to 44 and all of them are very nice! I think the nice thing is I don't feel 'driven' to go find somebody and don't feel the need for another person to fill a void. I can take it or leave it, which is a nice place to be. No pressure, no rush, and no worries.

I'm just continuing to try to be a good man and father. I've gotten back on my workout schedule and I'm also doing better at work. I try to keep things in balance and try not to let my dating or work take precedence over my time with the boys. So far, it seems to be working pretty well.

Limbo!!!!!

Good to see you my man!
I'm so glad to see you're doing well. It seems that you're handling things very smartly, but we've come to expect that. You continue to be a good example.

I think you did a lot of "recovering" before the D. However, it's a little different once it's all official; at least in my experience (and from reading here). So, I hope you'll take your time and enjoy the ride. What a couple years you had...I'm so happy you're out of that nightmare.

I was thinking today: I hate being divorced. It's still really sad for me and I still mourn for my kids. However, it really is not as bad as being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful. I don't miss that part at all.

take care SOL

opt

How are things with you lately?

Hey Americajin! Thanks for asking. I've been away from here too long, lol.

Well, when you asked last week I was sky high on cloud 9. I have been dating a wonderful woman since July. One of my 'casual dating' partners I mentioned in my last post. She was the 28 year old. Then it happened... I slipped and fell in love. What a wonderful feeling, but also a tragic mistake.

I tried really hard to keep it in perspective, but I lost my perspective and went 'all in' emotionally. We were very into each other and clicked in all areas. Spent a lot of time together even though we live 2.5 hours away. She spent a couple weekends with me and I stayed with her twice. We started talking about a future together. Her changing jobs to be closer to me (she is also an AGR Warrant Officer in the guard), and I was talking about introducing her to the boys. We seemed to be in the same mindset. I abruptly ended all contact with anybody else as I was not interested in anyone else. All of this without having 'the talk' about really defining our relationship.

Then it happened. I'm such a fool. I fell for her, even when I knew I shouldn't have. I broke all the 'guy rules' on how to keep a woman interested. I opened up to her, shared all of me, and was way too available with her. I'm not really sure what is going on, but I suspect she has recently found someone else and is about to call things off with me. Just my gut instinct, which is usually pretty good.

Last we talked was Friday, and I had texted her several times over the weekend with no replies at all. Very odd for us as we have been in daily contact for the last two months or so. Finally yesterday I pushed to at least get a response and see if she was OK as I really was worried for her safety. I told her in voicemail/email, and text that if she hadn't lost her phone, she needs to at least respond to let me know she is safe and OK.

Here was her reply, "Sorry, I'm really not trying to be rude. I have something to talk to you about. There just hasn't been a good time to."

I told her I wanted to talk to her too and to please call as soon as she could.

Now this could mean any number of things really, but I am expecting the worst. I suspect she was with another guy all weekend and for whatever reason is about to dump me. We had never agreed to become comitted/exclusive, so I guess it is to be expected, however we were both talking A LOT about future plans.

Damn it hurts. Again.

It's the not hearing anything from her since Friday that is driving me nuts. My mind speculating and jumping to the worst case. Even now, just sitting waiting for her to maybe call tonight. I know I deserve better treatment regardless. I know I did nothing wrong here, other than 'tactical' mistakes in the courtship game. I have treated her with respect and kindess at all times. Just too much of a nice guy I guess. To me that pre-determined way of deciding how to act and when to call or text or when to 'pull back' stuff is a subtle form of manipulation.

I'm not saying it doesn't work. I just don't feel comfortable intentionally trying to measure how I act or react with somebody I'm interested in being with. If I feel like texting or calling- or not, I just do it. Probably why I'm alone tonight and she hasn't called, lol.

I did see her today. Strange. I was heading one way and she another. I smiled and said hello. She asked how my work thing was going. I said it was going well and continued walking. I did have to get back. We both had business here for different reasons. After seeing her, I texted her and told her that when she was done with her meeting she could text me as I could break away from what I was doing to talk with her, otherwise I told her to call me when she could.

I think I get what's going on. Obviously she could/should have talked to me today as I know she had the opportunity after her meeting. She chose not to. I'm figuring she is afraid of my reaction to whatever it is she wants to tell me. Disappointing to say the least. I had told her early on how important honesty is to me and that an ugly truth is always better than a pretty lie.

I guess I'm just going to move on as the ball is in her court. We have to talk at some point since we have future activities planned and we both have some 'stuff' at each other's place. I'm wondering how long to wait for her to call me. I'm thinking after another week or so I may have to call her myself or send a message. I know I shouldn't pursue and to just give her time and space, but I do need to know.

I'm sure I seem like a bit of a basket case right now, but I know I'll be OK. This is nothing like what I've gone through with Pinky and if it's over, I'll dust myself off and continue marching. Overall, I still feel 100 times better today than I did 6 months ago!