Easy? You have got to be joking. My heart is in pieces. But I am doing everything I possibly can to fix my marriage. Reading books, listening to advice, doing exercises, in counselling..... Not sure I could try much harder. I have stopped being cruel about her, I am being positive and trying to indestNf and meet his emotional needs. I have really tried and having been abused and raped in my past I can confirm that this is way harder.
This is not a quick fix. I know that. I still plan to do the poky... It's just so alien here the Uk to do that....

The "alien" factor is irrelevant. Dealing with an affair is "alien" to everyone who is married and now faces recovery from an affair. We all have to do things that we have never experienced and never thought we would have to do, like exposure or changing jobs. These are a big shock and they are not easy to carry out, but they have to be done if an affair is to end (completely) and if (real, as opposed to false) recovery is to be undertaken.

Have you done any research into polygraphers?

Have you heard anything from the MB coaching centre?

Not a word from mb sadly. They are probay over run!

Yes I have found somewhere to do poly. Any advice on questions?

The problem is your husband throws you a crumb and you suddenly are brimming over with optimism - and that is just not realistic. Any crumb from him right now is manipulation. Pay ZERO attention to anything he says - it is only what he DOES that is important.

See him agreeing to a polygraph is not the same thing as him actually doing one.

You have a better day and you think he gets it..

He took you in his arms, said he loves you and was unhappy for years and you had sex with him - nice payback for him really!

You need to be watchful about everything he does because you are ascribing motives to his actions that are not realistic at this point. I'd say realistically it will be at least 6 months till he really 'gets it' and he will only get it if he is in NC with the OW.

You should be trying to meet his needs of course but be cautious in how you interpret this because it will cause more pain later when you come in here and say how you thought he was getting it and you were doing well but you have just discovered it's all a big lie. Protect yourself and don't expect too much right now. I know from personal experience how easy it is to grasp onto any little thing your WS says or does because of your overwhelming desire to turn back the clock to before your life as you knew it was destroyed. I know what it's like and I had a model FWW! I am really not trying to dishearten you but merely trying to instill some reality so that when you hit the inevitable downs it won't come as a shock and you will be able to bounce back.

We are 5 years out from my wife's affair and in all honesty I can really only now say that it is well behind us. People say it's 2 years minimum to recover and I actually now believe it's more like 5. I thought we were recovered at 6 months and we were mostly - but the affair still preoccupied my mind for years - it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night as I was going to sleep - and as I said, I had the ultimate remorseful wife and her affair wasn't even 'that bad' in comparison to many I have seen here.

This takes bucket loads of time and 'talking it up' won't help - although it's always good to be optimistic, remember quantum leaps in recovery are rare - it's slow and steady.

First you have to decide what you are trying to discover. Is is about the allegations of a prior affair? Or is it about continued contact?

If it is about continued contact, have you tried a keylogger yet? This will easily reveal secret e-mail accounts etc.

Are you monitoring his phone and texts? Have you read the snooping forum?

The thing with a poly is that it is a one shot deal. It may confirm no contact now ... but that does not mean contact won't pick up.

Remember that you are still in the same circles and town as OW. For your H this is like being a recovering alcoholic and having to look at that whiskey bottle sitting over there. It is hard not to give in.

Ask yourself what you really want to know. Then find the best way to get that info. If it is a poly, then do some research on google. I found several good articles when I googled polygragh infidelity.

I am trying to be positive and hopeful but I am reistuc too... It could all come crumbling down or I may just feel I don't want him anymore. However I have tried to meet his needs and not talk about her/the affair.
He doesnt use a computer now he is at work so key logger no good. Have checked phone; no messages. So not sure what other snooping I should do....
I don't want a big fall but I am trying to follow your advice so that he g
Falls back in love with me.

That's the ultimate goal for sure and a worthy one. (((AEK1)))

Do you think that he should write her a letter with me approving it - there has been NC for 5 months but a letter was never written.

AEK1,

I did not find not find MB until about 2 years into recovery. Therefore, I made many mistakes. One of them is that a NC letter was not written. This is something that I regret as I think it would have helped my own personal recovery to have seen him do this.

If I was back at the point where you are now, I would have him write one. The wording is important and there is a recommended NC letter on this site that you can use as a guide. Sorry I don't know how to get it into my post. Let me work on that.

Also, looking back, I think I would have made him write an apology to OW H. Sorry I was lying and pretending to be your friend while boinking your wife behind our families back.

Just for the record, I did get an apology letter from OW and it was full of "I'm sorry but ... It was insincere and she took zero responsibility. I burned it.

He needs to take full responsibility and address the hurt and devastation he has caused.

Keep taking steps forward.

Yes, the letter should still be written. Your husband should hand write the letter, but you should deliver it to OW yourself (or you should mail it yourself). In the letter, your husband should express his regret about the affair, how much it hurt you, and how he never wants to see or speak to OW again.

I also think you should install a GPS (such as zoombak) and a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. You can get these at any electonics store. This will not only provide answers to the question of contact, but it will also make you feel relief if he isn't in contact with her.

These measures (letter, GPS, and VAR) will protect you from a fake recovery. In addition, if your husband is truly not contacting OW, these measures will help you recover more quickly by putting your mind at ease.

As far as the lie detector...YOU need to decide how much about his past indiscretions you really want to know. It seems like you are not ready to hear any additional information at this time and I think that is just fine. If you truly want to know about possible other affairs, then go through with the lie detector. However, if you only want to know if he is no longer in contact with OW and committed to recovery, then you can use other measures (GPS and VAR) for that information IMO.

Once I found out that my WH had sex with OW I decided I didn't want to know anything more about the affair or past indiscretions. The pictures already in my head were too much for me to handle. The only thing I REALLY wanted to know (or could handle knowing) was if my WH was committed to NC and recovering our marriage. As a result, I didn't go through with the lie detector. Insead, I used other measures (see the Operation Investigate forum) to ensure that he was not in contact with OW. If there is NC with OW, then I know he is committed to me and our marriage. Does that make sense?

Drop in at his new job "unannounced" with a nice framed picture of you and the kids as a present for his desk.

Sit down at his computer and look at the history log. I have noticed that different user log ins will have a different URL. So if he has a secret account you will see hotmail with different bay numbers. If that makes sense. Try it on your own computer to see what I mean.

If he "gets" it he will understand that you are doing this for your own peace of mind.

Make sure to meet his colleagues and let them see that you are a real person who loves her H.

I am worried that owh will get fired up by a letter to his wife.

He has calmed down and I worry that correspondence from
H could blow it all up.

This was my concern also. I still regret not having H write that letter. It is part of taking ownership, dealing with consequences and showing you that he will do what it takes to protect the M.

He should write it believing that you will deliver it. Once you have it, it is your decision whether you deliver or not. You let him believe that it was delivered. You could opt to personally deliver to OWH yourself.

Not sure what the vets would recommend. I hadn't found them yet.

FWH and I just discussed the issue of the NC letter this morning. He had only told the OW by email that he was "going to do the right thing," and that she should no longer contact him. Then I found MB, but it took a while to get to the part about the actual NC letter. She was still emailing him through work, and he told her he would write her a special letter with the request of no contact and that she must respect his wishes. She replied "Don't bother." I saw that email. And that was the last contact I have seen.

But I always felt like I was kind of left hanging without that proper NC. It's been six months since they were last in contact. I would have liked him to tell her all the great stuff in the official NC letter, not that he was "going to the right thing," making me feel like a last, disagreeable option. Ultimately we decided that we really didn't want to open anything again. We didn't want any reply emails or word of any sort, so our decision was, "well why do it now?" So we aren't sending one at this point. Don't know if this will help, but FWIW...

I personally would not send a NC letter after 5 months of NC - that doesn't make any sense to me.

I agree. Why kick that hornet's nest especially if NO CONTACT is confirmed?

So no nc letter. Do poly. Should I ever write to ow!

I don't know how this jives at all with MB protocol....

One thing I did was have my wife write letters of apology to everyone that knew about the A. She wrote a letter to the family apologizing for breaking them up, she wrote letters to her former friends apologizing to them for involving them in sin. She wrote others that knew apologizing for her part in it as well...

We never heard anything back, except from the OMW... She was furious, but we needed to send it for us. We sent ours after several months of NC.

CV

What would be your goal? I don't see that it would serve a purpose.

My wife did write to OM's W actually - I think her basic sense of decency made her appologise for wronging her however there is not a lot of point in you contacting OW - what purpose would that serve apart from allowing you to vent at her? See after 5 months of NC, WHY open that door again? It could lead to contact which is the last thing you want. My wife also apologised to my parents.

You MUST get the polygraph because quite frankly your husband is a liar and that is the only way you are likely to get to the bottom of the rabbit hole.

Outside that, you need to concentrate on working the program to restore your romantic relationship and always make sure your husbane is utterly transparent with you in all things.