I will admit, I still don't know if I will be married to her for the rest of my life; but I might. I don't want to put my life on hold (having kids as part of that) because of something I don't know. I do feel like we would make great parents, and would help them grow to be great people.

It is not like we don't spend any time together. If I were to give it a rough estimate I would probably say around 7 or 8 hours together on average each week. Though this week, it has been less than that.

Read the book I suggested Tom.

My advice still stands: Don't have children unless you are committed to stay married to their mother for the rest of your life.

There are enough broken hearted children in the world with selfish parents. And your motivation IS selfish. You want them because they will complete your vision of a fulfilling life, but you don't want to put forth the effort to provide them with one of the biggest things they will need: a solid marriage as the foundation of their family.

Divorce is devastating, and the people who will pay the largest price will be your children. Not you.

I have no intention of devastating any children.
Yes part of my reason for wanting to have kids comes from selfish ideas. To me that is much better than many people who have children and don't really want anything to do with them, or didn't want kids in the first place, or don't take parenting seriously.
I take the idea of being a parent, extremely serious. I will put forth all the effort it takes to do for them what they need. That is something that I have complete faith in.

One of the things children MOST need is a father who is committed, without equivocation, to their mother. The foundation of their world is the commitment between their father and their mother.

Your marriage will be the core of their universe. Your commitment to their mother is the best gift you can give them.

As long as you always have a foot out the door, as long as you hold to the possibility that there MAY be someone better for you out there, you are NOT making every effort to give them what they need, because you run the risk of putting your happiness before theres.

You chose your wife.

Whether she is 'the one' for you or not, man up and own the choice you have made. It doesn't really matter - once children come into the picture - if you could be happier somewhere else. Kids don't really care if you're happy and fulfilled, they care if you are a good father.

You are NOT putting forth all the effort it takes to do for them what they need.

Can a man be a good father if there is a bad marriage or divorce? Of course. My father was one of the best. Nonetheless I bear the pain and scars of a broken childhood, because one of my parents never bothered to close that door and fully commit to the person they decided to marry. One person kept a mental foot out the door - and after time their body followed that foot.

And I will live with the scars of their poor decision for the rest of my life.

I had a great father.

Didn't stop the pain and anguish the selfishness of one of my parents caused.

This is a warning from someone who was raised in a broken home. You are leaving yourself open to creating this pain. I am telling you what it is you need to do to avoid creating that situation. I've seen down the path you are walking. I've lived it and deal with the emotional and psychological repercussions of choices just like yours.

But ignore me if you like.

I really don't want to talk to you anymore Tom. I find it physically repulsive. So this will be my last post to you.

You are upset at me becuase of something you went through, which is something I have not actually done. Only that there is the possibility for me to do.
Possibilities are endless. If we got mad at people for everything that they possibly could do, we would always be mad. I don't know what my future holds exactly, I can't predict what will happen. I do know that I can't avoid living, because of something that may or may not happen. I will miss out on life if I do that.
I agree with you on the idea that what is best for children is to be in a stable home with a loving mother and fater. I won't argue with that. I hope that is what my eventual children experience, they deserve that, but I can't guarantee it, there are no guarantees.

You could guarantee them that you would do EVERYTHING in your power to make it happen, which would mean that you would do EVERYTHING in your power to create and maintain romantic love between you and your wife as long as you both live.

There was a recent study in Scientific American Mind that showed that the most important things for children were you showing them love and affection, having parents who were capable of managing their own stress levels well, and having parents who remained in a healthy marriage loving each other.

My parents didn't divorce until I was 24, but it was still awful, it still means I have two parents too wrapped up in their new relationships and new created families to have time for me or my children, so my children miss out on grandparents who care about them and the link to the previous generation.

Having children is immensely hard and stressful and will require your wife and yourself to have incredible communication skills as well as conflict resolution. There is a reason why divorce rates soar in the first 5 years after the first child is born, children more often tear apart a marriage than bring people together. You owe it to your children to make sure your marriage is as strong as can be now, before you bring anyone else into it because if you can't find the time for your marriage now then you will never find it when you have children in the mix.

But I know you won't listen. Almost everyone who doesn't have kids thinks they'll be a great parent. I did too. I thought it would be easy because I had so much experience with children and loved being around them. I do still love being around my girls, but when both my husband and I have been woken (seperately) 2 or 3 times a night for months on end, the kids are both screaming whenever we try to talk to each other and kids activities clash with anything we try to do, its very difficult to get enough time together to maintain our love.
We do it because its vitally important for our whole family, but neither of us gets to have outside activities because we wouldn't manage our UA time if we tried to schedule anything else in there.

Update for those who have read my story and care to know.
Life overall has been going well. Very stressful, extremely busy, but for the most part good. Things at home (marriage) have been good as well. We still do not spend a significant amount of time together (both staying quite busy), but we do manage to make personal time for one another.
In other exciting news, we found out last month that we are expecting our first child. The baby is due in December. I just have to say that I am very happy and excited for this next chapter in my life and everything that it will bring.

I'll pray for your family, Tom. Please give that baby a father who loves their mother. It's the absolute best thing you can do.

Never-mind.

Good luck to you Tom.

CWMI, thank you, prayers are always a good thing.
Vib, even when something exciting like this happens, and my marriage is doing well, you can't just be happy for me.
I know I have touched many of your nerves, but things are very different than they were 6-8 months ago.

Start.

It is the singular best thing you can do right now.

Especially before the hormones kick in. You're in for a rough ride. Be prepared.

How?

We are getting along much better, we are both happier. There was also an issue with a friend of mine where I was a little too emotionally involved. That situation has long since been put in the past. I know that we still do not spend enough quality time together, but the time we do spend, is good time. We are in a better place right now as a couple.

Are you still in contact with the friend you were 'too emotionally involved' with? Does your wife know about this friend?

Are you still in contact with the friend you were 'too emotionally involved' with? Does your wife know about this friend? [/quote]

We work together, but anymore it is just that, work. I think we both realized that it had gone a little too far and we both back off. We also had some significant work disagreements caused us to talk even less. Though we are in contact, it is strictly professional now and that is the way it should be.

Tom,

I read this and I hope you can control the situation, especially having a baby, a baby takes up so much time and it will be difficult for your wife to meet your needs all the time, what happens when you feel that and the woman at work gives you a little attention, I hope this doesn't turn out bad for you and your wife and your new baby.......
What if you aren't strong enough, imagine all the pain. Please try to look for new work, please secure your family from any chance........you are only human and you already know you can make decisions that might not protect your marriage......
How can you be so sure?
I am afraid in this siutation.
sorry Tom I truly wish you the best and I truly want your marriage and family to work but my heart skips a beat when I read you still work with your friend....
jessi

Jessi, I appreciate the concern, but I assure you that I am not at all worried about the work relationsip. I know that I am human, and some decisions I make are not the best ones, but if my wife is not meeting my needs as you say; it will not be the friend I run to. I know that I am prone to looking/desiring elsewhere, but the thing with the friend I believe was exausted for all it would ever become. I have no desire for our friendship to even be as close as it was, let alone let it become more than that.
Now I will be honest, I can't say that the same situation wont ever happen again with someone else. I know my weaknesses, I know my desires, and yes, I know they are wrong. I don't go out looking for a situation like that either. I do know that with a baby coming, that is my main focus, and that is where I want to keep my focus for the forseable future.

I know that I am not well liked here, but I have an issue that I felt need posted. I recently wrote that my wife and I are expecting for the first time. She is almost 4 months along at this point and we have recently had discussions about sex during the pregnancy. We have had sex sparingly over these past few months, in part due to her not feeling well (morning sickness hit her often early on). She has felt much better, but she will soon be in the middle of the pregnancy. I expressed concern that I am not comfortable having sex during the second half of the pregnancy. I know that it is safe and at times even recommended, but I am just not comfortable with the idea at all. She wants to continue having occassional sex through the majority of the pregnancy. She has expressed her concern that if we stop it will be roughly 6 months without sex and at that point we will have a new baby occupying much of our time. I know she is concerned about the consequences of us not having SF over an extended period of time.
Has anyone else had a similiar issue in their marriage? Is this something that comes up often between couples during the first pregnancy?

You two can have SF without penetration, if that is your issue. Are you turned off by her pregnant body?

When are you going to start following the program, Tom?