Is there a difference?

Not in a "which is worse" sort of way but a difference in the WS actions.(besides the obvious)

My wife had an emotional affair (she is away, on military duty) and owned up to it before i confronted her. She was going to visit this OM while she came home, but thought it wouldn't be good for our relationship. She came out with this on her own.

However she is still very distant (emotionally, physically she is on the other side of the world)and when i visited her after she owned up to it, she was not interested in affection, physical or otherwise from me in the slightest.

I have read everything on the subject of affairs i could find and she definitely fits(ed) the bill. Petty arguments with me, new found interest in her appearance, no interest in getting close to me, friends with specific names going specific places became "went out with the guys" etc.

I guess i'm trying to figure out if her emotional distances is
the after affect of the EA,
if she is having a new EA with someone else (the OM left there)
if it went further into the physical
if she having a PA now

Or if it's just my new found "paranoia" since she gave me reason to doubt. She said she would divorce me before cheating on me (physically) but she also was talking about getting our wedding bands tattooed on a month before she canceled our follow-on order to Japan (a place we have been trying to go for 6 years) because "she doesn't want to take the kids away from me if it doesn't work out" as she put it.

So are there observable signs (from afar) that differentiate between the emotional and physical affair?

And can a women who wanted and got that physical intimacy with her spouse at least once a week, go 6 months without it, then have no interest in it with him because she was emotionally connected to another man, and disconnected from her husband? Or is that an indication it when further?

The actions are pretty much identical in both cases. She sounds like she is in withdrawal from OM. SHe may or may not have another OM. Physical distance is like cancer for your marriage.

I am not trained in psychology. I can only give you a summary of my research about what very learned folks have shown about "love" in males and females.

You and I, and members of our gender, have demonstrated to those learned researchers that we have the quality of being able to "love" more than one other person at a time, compartmentalizing our affections, and turning them on and off, pursuant to dealing with, romantically, whichever object of desire we are presently occupied with. Today, we love "Mary", tomorrow we love "Sue". And then we continue the rotation.

Woman have not that ability. They "love" one other person at a time. While that can be a powerful link while the marital couple is basically intact, ("Stand By Your Man", etc) it is a HUGE impediment in a situation such as you (and me two years ago) are in. When the WW forms an EA with a OM, she "loves" him; she no longer "loves" her BH. Seriously, they have NOTHING to rebuild from.

If anything has become evident on this site over (especially) the last several months, it is that a "checked out" wife presents monstrous difficulties for the BH to attempt to bring her back.

Sorry, but I'm here to tell you, you have an awful fight on your hands now. Read the thread here entitled "D-day Two Hours Ago...." to see what you're facing.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I'll also tell you it was likely NOT just an EA. She admitted that to you as a way of forestalling your investigation into finding out the true story.

Infidelity Math:

EA + Time + Opportunity = PA

unloved 8 -

You are welcome to read my thread... "D-day two hours ago..."
That title was written on Jan 29th. I exposed a week later. And my wife is still checked out.

Would love to have you stop by. It takes a long time for the WW to check back in once she makes a decision to quit the marriage.

I cannot imagine your struggles with deplyment on top of everything else. My God. Bless you brother. I hope we can help you get through this. There are other posters here with active duty deployment issues in their M as well. Look around.

Cliff notes at bottom.

long read can skip to "the issue" if necessary .



Background:


Boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have kids, then over the years get too comfortable.
7 years later wife goes overseas for a year for work. She starts to change, it is all about her, that savings account money we set aside to sell the car and get out of debt, is better spent on herself apparently. She starts, taking care of herself, manicures, pedicures, make-up, perfume, new wardrobe, gym etc. She tells me �I don�t want you to think I don�t miss you or the kids, but I�m so happy here� or �I�m changing, and I want you to change with me�

Then she has an emotional affair, catches herself, outs it on her own, and does what she can to prevent it from re occurring with other man. (He left, she was going to see him while she came home but decided against it). I go out to see her, I have worked on everything she has asked, I�m more affectionate, confident, compliment her, passionate about her, optimistic outgoing etc. The first day or two good but then she is distant, Eyeeore with me, Tiger when talking to her friends. She says she�s just tired, she�s not used to doing so much, and after I leave she spends the whole week catching up on lost time with her friends.

Before she left she said when she came home (she gets a break in the middle) she didn�t want any visitors, it was just going to be about our family. Then she says she is thinking of taking the kids to see her family. She says she misses them. Later when I tell her I might be able to get the time off school to go, she shrugs me off, says she wanted time alone with the kids; she doesn�t want me to go. She �hides� the pictures of us together on facebook so they don�t show up in her banner, stops saying I love you.
I can feel the distance. Finally after enough prodding she opens up.

She doesn�t know if she loves me anymore. She cancels our follow-on orders to a tropical island , that we have been trying to get to for years, the whole reason she is gone for this year, because �She doesn�t want to take the kids away from me if things don�t work out I�m too good of a father to do that too�

I asked her what she is going to do if things don�t work out. With her career we aren�t talking about some mom and dad live 2 towns apart and the kids get shuffled back and forth every weekend. We are talking, states, possible countries apart, where 1 parent gets to see the kid 2 months out of the year, when they are not in school. She says �If you�re not established in your career (I will be graduating at the time she comes home for good, and we are going to be moving), you can move where I�m at�

Bad thoughts: If we had went to that island she would been gone about 6 months a year for work. If it didn�t work out the kids would have come to the states with me, and SHE, would have been the one to go without them. Because every decision she has made since being gone has been about her, and she is smart enough to know that. I worry that she is so sure, she wants to end the marriage that she canceled that and wants to take me to next place before she does so she can divorce me and what every happens custody wise she can �have her cake�. I think this is crap, If she expects me to restart my life over near her when I could provide better for them financially where I�m at, or start someplace new with them where we have always wanted to.

Anyway I think she is severely affected by this environment/situation.


She hated where we live, she joined to see the world and is now getting that.
She hated her job back home; there she is doing what she has wanted to do since she was a child
Friends at home had lives, kids, school etc so to hang out with them took coordination, there no one has anything but work. She has on demand friends.
Home she had to worry about the bills, there she doesn�t
Home she the kids to worry about, there she doesn�t.
Home our extra money went toward getting out of debt, or stuff for the kids. There she is spending about 40% of our income on herself.

This isn�t a case where husband goes away and the wife says �wow I can breathe now�. I mean she reinvented herself for the environment and everyone is responding to that.
Of course she�s happy, she has a job she loves, in a place she loves, she has no responsibility to anyone but herself, surrounded by people in the same boat, and is living and spending money accordingly.
It reminds me of a midlife crises (though she is very young)

That is not to say that her issues with us aren�t valid, but it�s like they are affected by this environment. For example, she says to me (before the cat was out of the bag). �You don�t compliment me enough�. And she is right, I don�t. But she didn�t bringing this up at home, whys it coming out now. Because she is 1 of a handful of women there. Because she has guys throwing themselves at her every day. Not because they love her, not because they respect her and want to spend their life making her happy but because they think if they sweet talk her enough they might get some action.

I also feel like she has sought out some of this but is using it as an unfair comparison. Not necessarily because she didn�t get it at home but because she CAN�T get it there, from us at home. For example, she started cooking dinners for a group of guys in her dorms. She says, �it�s nice to feel needed� she also explained how much she wishes she could do more for the kids in the same sentence. It�s like since she can�t take care of the kids she has sought out to take care of these guys. I ask why she never cooked for me and she said it was because I complained. First off she cooked maybe 5 times in our 8 year marriage

(not an exaduration, she is the �breadwinner� I�m the �homemaker� so it�s my job. I have been reading HNHN and saw how women need to be financially supported. She has brought this up with mixed signals, �I feel like I have to support everyone� but only in the last month. And even then she said it�s not about the money. It was her idea that I stayed home to take care of the kids so she could focus on her career. In fact right as our first children reached the age to start school and I was ready to renter the work force, she asked me to get a vasectomy reversal so we could have another child. We sat down and discussed it and she said she was fine with me staying home for another 5 years. She said she didn�t care if I worked or not, screw what everyone else MIL in particular, says about it. )

If I did complain it wasn�t about the cooking but about the ingredients, I�m a selective eater. I�m not saying that is right but how can she compare her experience of cooking for me 5 times vs a group of guys who haven�t had a home cooked meal in 6 months. Of course they love it, of course they beg her too cook.

She says this came from before, she saw a therapist on her own a few years ago wanting a divorce and the therapist talked her out of it. She never brought this up to me. And I have also heard when people have affairs they like to reinvent the marriage history, so they don�t feel so bad. So I don�t know if it�s true or not.

Anyway she will be coming home for a month. Then she has to go back for 4 more. She really want to do counseling. She is also afraid it�s too late. I�m still her best friend, we still talk every day, there is no animosity she just doesn�t know if she is �in love� with me anymore. She wants/need more, she feels like she can�t talk to me because I talk down to her, judge her or criticize her, that I treat her like a big kid.

So here is the issue.

"The CARROT"

I like and agree with what Dr Harley says about being in love being more important than conflict resolution. I don�t think we have much conflict. I also want to foster a calm, safe, supporting environment to help her get those feelings back. To date her again, use the love dare, and HNHN in hope of drawing her back. I don�t want to judge, criticize or talk down to her. I want to meet her needs. I feel like I need to reach out to her emotionally because that is what has pulled her away.

"The STICK"

On the other hand I believe this situation is playing a huge factor in her feelings, or lack there of. I mean I know plenty of people who had great marriages have trouble readjusting, even to the point of sleeping in separate rooms for a month until the �stranger� became their spouse again, after these types of situations. The distance is extremely hard in the best case scenario. I seems to me she is in withdrawal (maybe not because she is willing to do counseling) but she has been unreceptive to my affection, and for the longest time she kept this locked up, and when it started to come out she says she doesn�t want to talk about it, she want to ignore it.(it goes back and forth). Sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don�t but when she does, she says how hard it is. And my affection when I saw her (granted it was only 9 days together) didn�t seem to help. In fact it was after I left she became really distant.

I also worry she is growing too close to another male friend, that she is, or is on the verge of having an emotional affair with this guy. It doesn�t feel like it did while she was having the other one, but because she has done it once I fear she could easily do it again.

On top of this part of our problems come from me being a �door mat� and not enough of a partner. I need to be more assertive, for her, and to prevent being passive aggressiveness becoming critical judgments.

So the other part of me wants to give her a wake up call, To bring this stuff up at counseling. But I fear it will push her further away, and she will see it as me being critical. A possible LB. I don�t know what is the best approach, especially with such a short period of time. We only have 30 days until she goes right back into that environment again. Can I bring this stuff to light without it being a love buster? Will bringing it up help draw her back into conflict?
Ideas, suggestions?
[u][/u]

Cliffs

Wife goes away for year of work. Lives in a fantasy land. Has no responsibility to anyone but herself.
Has EA.
Calls it off, outs herself.OM out of picture.
She doesn't know if she loves me anymore.
She says it been building up for a while, News to me.
Says she can't talk to me because i criticize her, talk down to her.
I think this environment has more to do with it then she knows.
Wants to go to counseling when she comes home.
Will only be home for 30 days before going back to that environment.

I want to toss out any LB, meet her EN, date her, restore romantic love, as per the plan but when i tried it there (i went and saw her only for 10 days) it had no affect and made her distance herself more.

on the other hand
Want to give her a wake-up call, about how the environment she is in is playing a huge factor, everyone else seems to see it, but fear she will see it it as me criticizing her (the thing that bugs her) and push her away further.

Ul8, it's obvious that you've read a lot here, so you know that weekends are slow. Bear with the army that's going to be behind you shortly.

Before the MB army comes forward...let me recap what I'm sure will be said.

1) She's deep in an affair.
2) You need to find out who this OM is.
3) Prepare for war.

Have you read the material here (see "operation investiagate" forum), and read up on exposure? I'd make those a priority here. You can't do much until you KNOW who the OM is.

You sound like you know the deal...and like you've got your head on straight in facing this pain, hurt and complete bull. Sorry you are here! Oh, and be prepared for a sh--storm of replies in response to you WW even THINKING about taking your kids from you.

Help will be on the way soon. Listen to these folks. They know of what they speak.

And, as far as being a "doormat"? You're going to hear first-hand yet another sh--storm of responses to that! We women do not find perceived or real "doormats" attractive. You know this as it's apparent in your post. However...

At the same time you posted that you fear LB. Now is not the time to fear LBs, my friend. Now is the time to balls-out (is that allowed?) kill this affair. If your WW were in a burning building and you pulled her out by her ponytail, would she be ticked that you pulled her hair, or grateful that you saved her life? You have to kill this A. Not frantically and not without a plan, but that is your first and foremost goal. That means you MUST find out who the OM is. Quietly and with purpose. Find out who this OM is. Step ONE.

I'm going to send an SOS out, OK? You've only got T-minus 30 days.

unloved, have you seen MelodyLane's recent post for newbies? Can you whittle that last post down to a few paragraphs?

You are more likely to get help if folks don't have to read quite so much...

Hi UL8,

My WH is currently deployed. His OW is someone in his unit. I collected enough evidence and filed adultery charges. I am not sure what is happening. The Army will not give me any details.

It is a mess, and he will be back in July. I am currently living 1500 miles West. I took Dr. H's advice and moved. It has been awful. I am not sure if my WH will or will not be coming back to the marriage. Today he is still wayward and wants a divorce. I am putting everything in the hands of God.

I am still exposing. Keeping refreshers going so all his soldier friends will remember the affair upon their return.

Cheers Tough~

ITs<

On8 needs to know who OM is first. Step one, right? Can't talk exposure, Plan anything until then. No disrepect intended.

I would find out who the OM is. That is the first step. And I would stop being unrealistic about turning this around magically in 30 days. That won't happen. Recovery is not going to happen anyway until you live together again. I have no idea HOW to recover a marriage where the spouses don't live together and neither does Dr Harley.

So don't get too concerned about doing anything in 30 days because that won't happen.

Who is this OM?

Did you know that Dr Harley advocates JAIL TIME for any weasel who has an affair with the spouse of a soldier while he is away from him?

I skimmed over this [I have about 3 minutes and then I have to go] and it seems that your WIFE is in the military and is having an affair. Is this correct?

And you don't know who it is? And she is coming home for 30 days? And you are going to try and attract her back in that time frame?

Mel -- I SOS-ed as on8's wife is home for 30 days, so 30 days to snoop. On8 didn't suggest 30 days....I did for finding OM as WW will leave and then no access to her junk.

Then she leaves if I read right. Following the 30 days, she's going to be be in the "deployed" area.

I advised that he HAS TO FIND OM, and now. Step one.

gotcha! And I agree. He has to find the OM. I read a snippet about marriage counseling together and I would AVOID THAT LIKE THE PLAGUE. Counseling together when a couple is in conflict only causes more conflict and anger. It is a disaster and that is the reason Harley does not do it.

added cliffs
thanks

So the affair is over? Or she just SAYS it is over?\

Can you go with her for that year?

No the BS can file adultery charges against his military wife. He needs evidence she had an affair to present to the commander.

I also suggest talking to the commander. My WH commander was very helpful in the beginning. The commander can do some things from their position. The issue for me is now my WH's commander has gotten not only in the middle of the AC but also the CS that is on going with JAG.

Now I think I have stirred up an entire pot of crap and the commander and my WH are caught in the middle. My WH is very wayward, so I didn't have many options.

I used the AC to bust up my WH affair. Yes his OW is deployed with him, so I was benefited by this fact.

This i'm not sure about.

I KNOW, she had an EA, and that the OM is out of the picture.
I Knew it was going on, in the way she talked, and didn't talk about him, don't really know how to describe it but i could feel that it was going on.Before she told me about it.

She has another friend who she could be, or that could grow into one but i'm not so sure. It doesn't feel the same.

If it is a new EA, i want to lay down some ground rules. No contact period.
If it could grow into one i want to lay down some ground rules. No personal time. Only see said friend in group setting.
However if it is only friend i don't want to come off as "talking down to her" by making these demands (which she may perceive as selfish, a LB) and chasing her away further.