Those of you who know my story may think that I'm putting the cart before the horse since there has been no sign of my WW wanting to reconcile, but I was curious. Just how much of the affair details should be told? What if some info is revealed that you didn't want to know? Has anyone ever abandoned an attempted reconciliation because of the details?

I would love to know what you guys think about this just in case I'm faced with this dilemma...

You get to know everything you want to know - it's up to you. I wanted to know everything.

Was there something said that made it difficult for you to move forward? I'm a question person who like to know details. I just wonder if my need to know may be a bad thing when it comes to knowing all that was done.

Only you know what you can handle. Imagine the worst things possible - how do you feel about that?

Not knowing would be worse for me than knowing. It didn't hinder our recovery.

Mark - Go back to your Thread and Stay in Plan B.

This means you are going to need to take time to do a withdraw from you WW.

I am going to give you a 2x4 right now - take your thoughts far away from your WW "RIGHT NOW"!!!

Keeping your mind focused on her will only keep you planted in chaos and prevent you from recovery.

You will need to find ways theraputically that will allow your brain to refocus on you when it starts to drift towards her.

Take your mind back to you and your daughter. You are going to have to mentally (your heart will not follow right now) to thinking of her out of your life. You have to sever your thoughts about her. This will take time, that is why I suggest you stay very very busy.

Your WW is no concern for you at the moment. Plan B is about you. This doesn't mean no hope for reconciliation, just your reality has to be focused on a life without her.

Go back to your thread and let us know how you are surviving. Let us know how your are improving. We will not tolerate your mind focusing on WW in Plan B because that doesn't produce optimum health.

There are "No WHAT IF's..." Only Healthy Realty of the "Now"

Itistoughlove, thanks for your encouraging words. This really wasn't about my WW initially. I saw a similar question on another site and wondered how you guys would respond. Realistically, maybe I was thinking about what if I was in the same situation.

It's an interesting question that I've wondered about myself. I only wanted to know whether or not WH and OW had sex. Once I knew, I didn't want any additional details (i.e. how much, where, when, etc.). I made that decision because I didn't want the pictures in my head. Others might want to know those details because their imagination would run wild otherwise. I think each person is different. I did what I felt was best for me at the time.

Everyone is different. Like BigK I needed to know every.single.detail. I needed the details of the details. I knew that for me, not knowing was going to be far worse than knowing.

But knowing that level of detail has it's own demons. I wish it didn't. Still, if I had to do it over again I would have done the same thing. My imagination was going crazy over the what-ifs.

If you are in Plan B don't worry about this right now. You have plenty of time, if you get into recovery, to decide what you need to know.

like they say everybody is differnet, but for me, i want as many details as possible...if me and my wife get to reconciliation, i know some thing are unavoidable...

like the OM likes star wars, and so do i, and ive seen reference to that..it makes me think the next time the trilogys on, will she be thinking of him?

on the sexual side...for me it stems to know who much and what they did...i know my wife would dumb it down ot make me feek better, but i know she does this, so its counterproductive to her...i want to know because for a while id want to avoid certain things, mostly of fear that itll trigger something in her and she wouldnt be present...but also because id want to feel specialagain, and intimacy and regaining that will be the hardest part...

both me and my wife didnt have to manyexperiances before being high school sweethearts, and thats part of what made t special...now i feel as if ill be compared, so i want to reclaim what is mine...slowy but surely

Cross that bridge when you get there.

Plan B means recovery of your self (body, mind) and depending how strong you are recovered at the juncture a wayward comes back to the marriage will determine how much info the betrayed can handle. Also, how much detail the betrayed would care to know.

Ya know?

Requirements for Recovery

I know that I had a friend who abandoned a reconciliation. He found out his WW had an abortion during the A, and that sealed the deal for him.


SB

But i'm assuming your friend knew his wife was having sex with the OM correct?

I think you have to make your own mind up. For me, I have more than enough details, the pictures in my head are not good, and there is lots I don't know and for today (feelings change hourly at the beginning) I really don't need more of those triggers.

When you know details you have triggers, a song, a book, a film, a road trip, a day out, an e card, as well as the where and when and how.

Triggers are tough things to negotiate, this morning, SF, song on an album about a similar situation, no more SF!!

Think hard and long honey about what level of honesty you can handle.

I wish I could unknow some of this stuff I found or was told.

On today's Radio Show, Maggie from Indiana asked this question and Dr Harley said that explicit details like how they kissed, sexual positions etc were not beneficial to recovery.
He said the details needed are who, what, when, where how and why. The conditions of the affair and what needs were being met

I hate to say this but for me I think certain things would blow up a recovery. I can honestly say that. What a mess.

For me, I would need to know everything.

Mark, what I did while in Plan B to get these nagging questions out of my head was wrote down a list of questions I would need answered. Ocassionly I think of something else and add to it. But the list keeps it out of my head on a regular basis, and that way I figure if HAM ever wanted recovery, I could let him know he would have to answer every question then pass a polygraph.

Do you realise that this was a very old thread that was bumped, and that Mark has been fully divorced for some time?

Looks like the good Doctor contradicted himself:


Which one is it, Dr. Harley? Share the details or not? You can't have it both ways.

The details are whatever the betrayed spouse wants to know ; However Dr Harley advises betrayed spouses that the most important details are how the affair existed, the conditions which made the affair possible.