DIZ,

Look at the result of your standing up to her so far. She claims she would have filed, but the reality is that all of that is bluffing and bluster.

She's also falling into the trap and the idea that you will roll over and die and make things easy and you guys can be just fabulous friends if you D.

My WXW did the same thing. She fed into my desire to reconcile by telling me that this would all likely just be temporary and that we could even get duplexes so we could live next door to each other.

My fault was in wanting to believe her.

The key for you is to hold your ground. Take advantage of the time when she is home to make the house a warm and inviting place. When she's home, be friendly and nice. Act like a loving husband and father.

When she tries to engage you in divorce talk, tell her, very cooly, "I won't discuss divorce. I'll talk about our marriage and how to improve it, but I will not talk divorce. If you want to talk divorce, we'll do it through attorneys. Want to watch American Idol tonight?"

An argument is only an argument if two people are engaged in the conversation. If she persists on talking divorce, simply repat the above in a very cool manner.

Expect very little in terms of response.

In fact, beat her to the punch on a few things. Have the kids all ready for bed before she shows up in the evenings so that there really is little to do other than put them to bed. Have cinnamon rolls baking on a regular basis to put that message of "home" in her senses.

But hold firm and fast. Be the lighthouse.

Exposure is exposure and you have done what you could so far.

I very strongly advise you to consult an attorney. Let him/her know you'd like to stay married but you wish to protect yourself if it comes to it. More importantly, you will want to protect your relationship with your DD.

In fact, the next time she asks you about divorce, if you can't resist engaging, simply state, "Tell you what. I'll give you a divorce if you let me keep everything and you give me sole physical and legal custody of DD. If not, then I'll only talk about divorce with my attorney."

She'll scoff, obviously, but it lets her know you're dead serious about keeping custody and fighting the D.

Look, a lot of what you're doing right now is a bluff. Will you get sole physical and legal custody? No. It is good to go into a knock out, drag out legal battle for you, your health, and your DD's college fund? No.

But your WW has to believe you aren't to be messed with and that D will suck if she goes down that path.

The alternative should be readily evident to her at all times. Be optimistic about rebuilding your marriage.

Let her know that you don't want the marriage you had before either. She says, "I don't want to be in a loveless marriage!"

You: "Me neither. That would suck. I'm sure we can rebuild a great one."

She says, "You'll be suspicious of everything!"

You respond with: "I don't want to be in that kind of marriage. I'm pretty sure we could rebuild our trust with hard work on both our parts."

Always present a positive vision of your future if it comes up. But let the stick be readily present and evident as well.

Be James Bond.

You should separate your finances ASAP. Let her fund her own infidelity.

This is tough love time.

You say it's over, but don't believe it until she's given you a NC letter signed by her and reviewed by you.

OK, so do I stop telling her I would contest and just let her file, then contest? That will get expensive, quick.

It just seems that keeping her from filing gives me time to Plan A. Thoughts?

Recognize her D talk as all threat for now. It isn't real until you get served.

I would have an attorney hired and ready to counter file on the grounds of adultery and abandonment.

There is no rush in a divorce. You can drag it out for as long as you can. She's bluffing and threatening right now. It's smoke and mirrors until papers are filed.

If, however, you get wind that she's consulting attorneys, I'd beat her to the punch and file first to control the pace of the proceedings. Dragging out works in your favor. You can also withdraw your petition to divorce at the last minute, putting the entire process back in her court.

Don't file if you don't want the D unless you are absolutely certain she's going to file.

In the meantime, Plan A by being a great dad and husband. Be the man she wants you to be.

Expect very little from Plan A. It's objective isn't to save the marriage necessarily, but to give the WW pleasant memories about you before you go to Plan B, where you cutoff all contact and set conditions for her to return to the marriage.

Listen to HelpTheLostDads.
Spot on !

What would happen if he filed for D going for full custody and retaining the home? Wouldn't she then have to pay to fight it? Keep in mind that the D can be halted at any time..,

Guys... just so you know the Arizona laws. Infidelity is not cause to claim full custody, nor does it factor into distribution of assets. Not allowed. It's a no fault state. I can petition for full custody, but would need to show reason (drugs, abuse, etc).

OK.
This still applies.

This bears repeating.

My guess? She is hoping that if she tells OM she has moved out and is in process of D, he will take her back.

She still needs time to defog. Hang in there!

So, current state...

She is planning on going 3 months as is. Not sleeping in same house, but interacting for the kids. That is what I asked for as a cooling off period.

I figure I can Plan A my butt off for 3 months, right?

Here is something for you to think about.

Seek an order that she cannot move the childre or even take the children out of the state. That means that she will not be moving to be with OM with the children with her.

There is a price to pay for all of this and one of them is that she will be tied down by this divorce with regard to the OM.

Think about it.



God Bless,

JL

Look. Adultery and repeated lighting and gaslighting you IS A FORM OF MENTAL ABUSE. Claim it if you have to.

Also, if the adultery takes her out of the family home b/c she is cheating and skaning around with a married man, then she is NOT A GOOD MOM.

See? It's all about how it's presented to the courts. Most states are no fault states. But if somebody is lying to you, daily causing you EMOTIONAL DISTRESS,t hen it is emotional abuse plain and simple.

You plan A her to death, but when she does the D talk, tell her you won't go quietly. That she will be in for a fight and she needs to UNDERSTAND this. Understand it fully.

Oh yea, maybe even mention that it would be FUN to depose the OM in this...that is exactly what the Om DOES NOT WANT AT ALL. B/c everything he would say would become part of a legal document and with his clearance he'd for sure lose that and any personal credibility.

Reason: Abandonment?

AND EMOTIONAL CRUELTY. Toss in the underlying reason of WANTON ADULTERY and you've got a slam dunk AZ.

Hey, I'd leave out the news showing the head of the IMF in a nasty personal situation...maybe also the part where it shows he has a past of indiscretions and affairs. She needs to see how the WORLD views a cheat held in a position of international security. They don't take to that well. Until they're found out that is.

From:http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Arizona-Uncontested-Divorce-3564.html




YOu have so many days after being served to contest. Sounds like you could draw it out for about 3 months after she files without you having to contest.

So, you have 6 months (if she sticks to the 3 months you agred to)to Plan A and that is all that is sugested anyway. just make sure you dont sign the form waiving the service.

If this man works for the govn't, heck I'd send even the President (like he'd care but don't get me started)an exposure letter and on down. somebody somewhere might not like having a known liar and cheat in a position of international relations. He'd be a walking time bomb like the guy from the Imf.

DiZ,

Please read Humbled's thread pages 1 - 19 (will take about 25 mins), and then read TODAY'S update!! Or, if no time today, read page 1, then skip to page 19, and then read today's update. You will be amazed!

TOday she accepted an offer at work to go to full time. I discussed with her (rationally) that I supported her decision either way, but I knew that the job she would take made her miserable in the past. That is why she left it. But she said; "I know, but I have to think of my future."

The job is 3 days, 12 hours one week, 4 days, 12 hours the next. Crappy schedule. She hated the hours and the work.

Just an update. Not sure there is anything I can do but be supportive per Plan A, right?