mbfan -

Please don't let your distaste for the tone or tenor of poster's style alter your opinion of the MB program. The program is hard to follow, it often requires BH's to go way outside of their comfort zone. Don't let your mind play this trick on you - this is where you need to be, even if you find a personality or two not to your liking.

Would you allow your WW to put a picture of her and OM on her nightstand? Well, that is NOTHING next to them working together. How about if she was an alcoholic and worked in a bar, would it be acceptable for her to stay there because she really likes this bar?

The wakeup call we are trying to get through to you is this: neither of you value your M one whit if she wants to remain working with OM and you let her. The question is really very simple. Is your marriage more important than a job? Its yes or no, there are no shades of gray or caveats. It may not be easy, but the survival of your M depends upon all contact being severed permanently, forever, for life.

How can we guide you when all you do is give excuses as to why the plan we are laying out for you (ie, the one who has worked for many, MANY couples) won't work and give excuses as to why you can't do it?

It sounds like you have your own plan, so why are you here?

And FTR, I have yet to see even ONE couple recover when the WS and AP are still in contact/working together. What are the odds that your situation is different?

If your M is as important to you as you say it is, you will insist that your W leave her job. No job is more important than a M.

My H left his job AND we moved out of state to ensure NC. That is how important it is.

Mel, I too saw grace extended. Hey let's be real... We all relive a little bit of what we went through each time we help someone... At least I do... I just don't want us chasing red-herrings... I get easily side-tracked at times... I'm sure others may as well.

Anyway, I have read tons of your responses (and others here as well), and it is easy to discern your hearts for helping. This makes you guys more valuable than you realize.

CV

I can't emphasize enough to you how right this is. I ignored the advice I was given because I thought, as you do, that my situation was different and unique.

It's wasn't just as yours isn't.

You can't trust one word your WW says.

Try this on her to see how trustworthy she is:

Tell her she needs to give you access to her cell phone, email accounts, and all other accounts she may use.

See how she responds.

Really, I am lobbying for a "like" button here.... What everyone is saying is sooooo right!

Your situation is unique only in the respect that you are you and your wife is your wife... I'd bet if you put a hundred of us in the same room and asked us to raise our hands if we have experienced the same basic things, 99.9% of us would raise our hands.

In court, 2 or 3 witnesses can seal a case if their testimony matches. On MB, you have dozens... maybe hundreds of us who are all saying the same thing (in differing ways).

I know there is fear. I know there is a lot of hurt... The one thing that is probably most disastrous right now is thinking you know best. I know that that doesn't make sense, specially if you were a good decision maker before this, but trust us... We all entered lala land when the truth of our WS' A's hit us. You have a chance to do it better than some of us who made it by sheer determination, hard-headedness, blind providence, and a good bit of stupidity... It saves a lot of heart-ache... trust me...

Believe me when I say this. You will not find as much empathy for you and your WW in this entire world as you will on this little forum.

Unless trying includes exposure and taking steps to ensure NC ASAP, then your M is in serious jeopardy. Every contact your WW and OM has puts your M at risk. Every contact.

You are operating under the assumption that your WW has your best interest at heart and will *really* be trying to leave her job.

Let me tell you what is really happening: You threatened her with exposure so now she is planning and trying to figure out how she can stall you until she figures out her next move. Hopefully you realize this before it is too late.

Just thought I'd throw my hat in to the ring and quote the two responses above as what I wanted to say to you.

My wife did the same thing, by the way, with regards to working with OM and "looking" for another job. Yep, she figured out how to placate me and keep her affair going quite well. And, like you, I was just trying to give my wife the "chance" to do the right thing. A dumb move on my part.

Once you wake up, you'll take control of this back and I hope you do so before it's too late.

mbfan:
For nearly two years, I came here for advice. Sometimes I came to vent. Some posters told me what I needed to do. Others opened there hearts and hugged me with words. I argued. I ignored. I couldn't read the board because it was too full of "ANGER." But the inescapable truth is, the veteran posters here will help you. It is easier to lash out at them than at your wayward spouse. Or at least just as easy. All I can tell you, is people here do care. Many of us know your pain and hurt and we know we cannot make it go away. We also know there are no guarantees. Marriage was not a guarantee either and it never will be. BUT... Dr. Harley's approach is the very best odds in the land. If you like betting on long shots... it maybe is not for you. Is it a sure thing? No. It is just the highest percentage chance you will ever have. And the sooner you start the plan, the better odds you will get. Talk to the veterans here. They all have hearts. Big ones. Wounded Ones. Guilty Ones. Loving Ones.
Two things you need to know...
When people hurting as much as me try to tell you... plese consider listening.
You are like me in many ways. I felt hurt. I fought back. But it was easier to fight with posters than with my wayward wife who took away my will to fight and knocked the stuffing out of me. Would you want to choose my path? Don't do it. I made my problem ten times worse because of my DENIAL.
Because I needed someone other than my wayward wife to BLAME.
I know you are in terrible pain and hurt. I wish I could take it off your shoulders today and put it on my own. Today (for this day) I am not hurting so much. I could take more pain. I have for over two years.
Your pain will not be forever....

Blessings and prayers for you today.
Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
D-Day # 1 April 26, 2009
D-Day # 2 October 15, 2009
WW admits # 2 1/31/2010
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tired of telling me what I don't want to hear!)
Plan B on Deck after my son's marriage 5/28/11
Still wonder if my Plan A is the longest on record....

CV, what you mis-perceive as posters reliving something is actually the reaction one would have watching a person sit on the railroad tracks while the train is coming at him. Would it be realistic to sit by quietly and say some cute, calm words while a fellow human being sits on the RR tracks completely unaware that a train is headed his way?

Because that is usually the case with most BS's when they show up here. Most are being gaslighted by their WS's and they WANT to believe that everything really is ok. When we tell them "no, no, it is not ok!!! it is a trick!!" They sometimes get mad. They just don't believe what is headed their way. [at first - they almost always get it soon enough, but sometimes soon is too late] They are in shock and don't WANT to believe it. But, their survival depends on them WAKING UP AND GETTING OFF THE TRAIN TRACKS.

Now, when some poor deluded BS gets angry because we point out the train headed towards them does a caring person stop yelling at them to GET OFF THE TRACK or does a caring person ply them with some cute, enabling words?

I am not forthright because I am reliving anything, I am forthright and urgent because I SEE WHAT IS COMING IF THEY DON'T GET UP. The longer you are around here, the more apparent the signs will be and the less willing you are to sit by quietly while the train comes for that person.

My issue is that my human decency will not allow me to sit there when I see a train headed for my fellow human being. Now, if they refuse to listen after I have warned them, that is another thing. I cannot force someone to listen to me. But when someone doesn't listen, I will tell you honestly that I GRIEVE INSIDE FOR THEM. It is painful to watch someone sit there while the train rolls over them.

Lack of grace? Maybe. I have been accused of much worse. But be assured it has nothing to do with reliving something, it has everything to do with simple human decency.

Well said, ML.

Thanks, CV. Just wanted to say how much I do appreciate your contributions here. You are definitely one of the good guys and this place is better because of it.

MBFAN,

what's the word?