Hey there...thanks for checking in. It has been a crazy few days. He started being really mean...kind of verbally abusive on Wed, Thu & Friday. I don't know if that is the worst part of the withdrawal or what. Really...he was acting so mean and really trying to attack me. He told me on Thursday a few times that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. Over and over again. He slept upstairs.

Then on Friday he woke up and said that he didn't know if he really felt that way. Later that evening he planned a dinner out for us and during the course of the evening he started getting so angry and abusive again! He dropped me off at our home and left. He took the tracker off his car and changed the passwords on his cell phone, so I couldn't see the account.

I KNEW that he was going to contact the OW (after 2 weeks of NC). He had met his friends out and got drunk on Fri night. The next day he told me that he called her a few times (she didn't pick up) and sent her texts asking her to call him. She sent him a text back on Sat morning asking her not to call or text her again (2nd request from her). That is unusual. He normally would lie about that. He never tells me on his own....I always have to "find" out.

He went to play golf Sat. morning and I called him on the golf course and told him we needed to talk. He met me and I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore and we started talking about a divorce again. All of the details, the kids, etc.

I am having surgery on Tuesday. I told him that I didn't want any help from him except for to take care of the kids. I didn't even want him to take me to the hospital. Nothing...I didn't want to see him or have anything to do with him.

He met his friend Steven out last night and spent the night at his house. He came home this monring a mess. Couldn't stop crying (he has done this before). Saying that he doesn't want to lose his family.

Saying "Sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again. He seemed more sincere this time, but I am sure that reality is starting to sink in...he is scared of being a single dad to 3 little ones alone, and the OW has rejected him.

He said he wanted to try to save our marriage. (this is like the 10th time he has told me this). I don't know what to do anymore. I think he is sincere this time, but he broke the NC again. I think the fog might be starting to lift, though.

What do I do with this crazy situation? I am going to be down for the count for at least two weeks recovering from the surgery. UGGHHH.

OK.
Non-MB advice.

You are in an extraordinary situation.
Major surgery.

Here's what I think.
You do everything selfishly starting this hour and for 2 weeks after your surgery.

Let your "Taker" steer the entire thing.
Tell you "Giver" to sit over in the corner and shut up.

There are times when we must prioritize.
This is one of those times.

Do not try to Plan A. Or Plan whatever.

You are totally and completely all about YOU GETTING BETTER.

If WH tries to lure you into any sort of chaos or turmoil while you are still trying to recover physically? Screw that!
You kickhisdumbassout, no matter where you are.

If WH starts to cry, moan, whine, grumble, tear up, talk too much, pout, show anger ..... you kickhisdumbassout.

OK?

Even if WH is mildly annoying ....

YOUKICKHISDUMBASSOUT

It is all 100% about YOU !

Pep - Giving her WH the full responsibility of the kids while she recovers from major surgery will not completely drain his LB? WH is so awful and selfish, would she be better to possibly get some help for him as a way to maybe boost some LB, but also allowing herself to be taken care of?

Pep can I put these ideas out there for her as a possible way to boost her WH LB, or do you think making him face the reality of single dad to 3 small babies is better for him?

1) Three can you get some girlfriends to prepare some frozen dinners for you? That way WH can just take them out of the freezer and stick them in the oven in order to have less hassle and get the kids fed.

2) Three can you see if family or friends or a local church can help you with laundry a couple days/week also.

3) Three can any of your friends, family, or church help with some playdates, i.e. the kids can play at a friends house in order to give you some needed rest and he might be able to also take a breather?

Just a thought as a possible way to boost his LB since he is on the fence and going through withdraw.

Cheers Tough!

Pep...thanks for the "pep" talk! I will. Don't worry.

It's tough...thanks for all the great suggestions! As far as the kids go, I do have someone coming during the day to help take care of them, pick my oldest up from school, make dinner, etc.

My parents will be coming in from Friday until about Tuesday of next week. He is so uncomfortable around them (he should be) that he may leave the house for a few days.

Also...I do have a couple of my friends picking up my oldest for playdates. They have all had it with my WH. They want to kill him. They want me to divorce him.

When my parents leave, the lady that is helping me earlier in the week is going to take the kids during day. Mr. Three Bunnies (mr. charming...ha!) will have night duty with the kids, though.

My parents will come back in town on May 31st because Mr. 3 B will be going on a 7 day golf trip to ireland with his friends. Fun to be him.

That is how I have the next three weeks lined up.

Don't care.
My only concern is her healing from the surgery.
If he is at all bothering her, he goes.

Not to teach him a lesson.
But, to protect 3buns.

3Bunnies, earlier you said: Now you report: This sounds like a dumb idea on his part. He obviously has time & money to burn. He should be burning more of it on you. Especially now.

I was dumb enough to continue with with a previously-planned, weeklong business trip overseas only 2 & a half weeks after d-day. It only worked because (1) I burned up my Blackberry sending e-mails to ( getting them from) my wife; and (2) it got me onto a different continent from OW, so that was at least one thing my BW didn't have to worry about. But I would've gotten in trouble at work if I'd cancelled the trip, and I wasn't going on the trip to hang & party & play golf with my buds (heck, it was Moscow in January, not Dublin in springtime).

Mr.3B needs to get in the game of recovery. Right now he's still sitting on the bench. Either he goes all-in with you on recovery ( a term that, as a gambler, he should understand very well), or he's out. After this many FRs, it's not a love-buster for you to declare what you won't stand for.

So he broke NC and was abusive to you also? I'm sorry, I'd Plan B if it was me and find someone to take the kids for a couple of days until my parents could take over. I don't usually have an emotional reaction when I hear people's stories here because they all read like a script, but honestly, I am livid with this man! He can't keep changing his mind back and forth like the wind, and if OW rejects him, that's not your problem. Gosh if I don't want to slap this man into reality! He needs to grow up and be a husband and a father, you shouldn't even have to worry about anyone taking care of you following your surgery, he should just do it and want to!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope this M can be saved and he ends up being worth it. Don't pay any attention to me, I'm too mad to be of any earthly good right now.

Glove Oil...I know. I know. He just dosn't get what is important. I am going to focus on myself for the next two weeks, and see how it goes. It is totally a leisure trip. There is no way in the WORLD he would cancel it.

KCS: Thanks so much for the support. He is changing his mind back and forth like the wind. Exactly like that. He wants to take me to the surgery and was trying to be helpful tonight. He has his priorities, and really, truly it is obvious that I am not one of them.

I don't know if this is just affair fog or what. I will report more in a couple of days when I can post after the surgery.

I was thinking tonight that I just miss feeling NORMAL. I just miss what it used to be like to feel safe.

Just to be clear, he has never hit me, but his words can be rough. He is ALL OVER the place about if he wants to save this marriage. My parents are coming in on Friday and I know that he doesn't want to see them. He is embarrased because he did not follow through after writing the letter. He wants to hide from them.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all taking the time to post and for your support.

Fwiw,

3, I am praying for you all, and for your recovery. I also think YOUR DAD needs to have a talk to Mr. 3B. He needs to get read the riot act.

Somebody needs to stand up to this guy.

If he is ever ever ever even one ounce possibly emotionally abusive during your recovery from surgery or tries to be harmful in any way, call 911 and have charges pressed against him and throw him out.

Make sure your parents know EVERYTHING and his parents know EVERYTHING.

I also think he is being rewarded wtih a trip for no reason at all, except for the fact he's a selfish coward. This guy sadly reminds me of Darth (my totally wayward xh). Just be so kind to yourself. You've gotten such lovely suggestions too. Surround yourself with friends, family and the sweet babies.

Let WH know what it will be like if he is a single dad. which means YOU WILL GET SOLE CUSTODY AND HE'S SHUT THE H*LL OUT ok?

That is what Mr. 3 needs to "get". That and he needs to kiss your butt and be a man worthy and deserving of having you take him back. Time for him to begin heavy lifting.

3b,

Reread a bit of your earlier story here, and have to say my very xwh and your wh have much much in common and here is what I think he suffers from and why he had an affair is the SAME reason why my xwh had one.

Huge ego in same home with small kids.

My xwh has this in common w/your wh:
1)owned company with business partner
2)very successful
3)made lots of $ and risky investments
4)gambled sometimes (I do not)with business partner, claimed it was "fun" and they were using "play money" sincei t wasn't alot of money. They instead met women there, and women who saw men with money who had no scruples were like flies to honey.
5)big ego
6)it was always and still is ALL ABOUT HIM
7)my child was very young when it began.

What I learned was that a guy with a massive ego like his probably suffers from some potential issues such as narcissitic personality disorder. My xwh has that 100 percent. And somebody WITH that has "admiration" as their 1000% top emotional need and also in need of constant hero worship.

If you are chasing around young children, it's kinda hard to do that 24/7 with a grown man. Thus, he's like a boat outta control tossing in the waves with no control if he's one who seeks out unbelievable amounts of admiration. The first decent woman who comes along and doles out this stuff, along with hero worship who hangs on his every word? That's the chick they have an affair with.

If you're counseling w/Dr. Harley, maybe you should mention this.

I want you to put extreme self preservation precautions in place right now to protect yourself during this time of surgery recovery. Your wh is still in mememememe phase. Thus the trip to Ireland during your recovery.

Oh, peachy, peach, peach...you are very, very right.

Had my surgery and I am still recovering, but this past week has been THE NEXT STEP. He is ready for divorce and wants to be with her. I have held on for 6 months, but the truth is, even through he went back and forth 10 times, he never truly gave our marriage any real effort.

He is FINALLY admitting that he wants to be with her and I am giving up. Letting go. I can't go on anymore this way and after so many misdeeds, manipulations, lies to me, etc. I think I am finally getting close to the point that I really don't want to be married to him. My heart just breaks for my three babies, but I am at the point now where I need to try to get the best settlement possible. He is willing at this point (everything isn't in writing quite yet) to go well beyond what is leagally required. Hope the guilt feelings for breaking up our sweet family continue.
Peach, I do think that he has some narcississtic qualities, but I don't think that he is a full-blown narcissist. He is a MUCH BETTER liar and manipulator than I ever gave him credit for. I feel very sad tonight. Safer, financially, but so, so sad.

Threebunnies,

I am so sorry your hubby is still being such a jerk, fog is still big in his mind.
At the point, you take the best deal you can get for yourself and your 3 babies, you let him go and let him figure out his life of fantasy won't be so much fun when reality hits........if you look at the survival of affairs the chances are slim it will work out, when it starts with lies and knowing that person really can't be trusted it won't work, he will still be attached to you because of the kids and the OW will essential trade spots with you worrying about your connection with her man. When he does see you be the best you can be, look good, smell good........
Let her be the one to be mad because he spending time and $ on his family.
The sooner this process takes place the sooner he will come to his senses. Some people are just so dumb they have to learn when they hit rock bottom.
You protect all you can from your marriage and for your family so when he does come back it will be in tact........
Again I am so sorry you have to go through all this, waywards are such a**ho**s,
This is still really early in the game, the only thing you can do is make him live that life, let him see the mistakes he is making, let him miss his babies.......let him listen to her complain..........
You sit back be the best you can be and watch the show........watch his life destruct......
hugs jessi

3bun --

Your story just tugs at me.

Get while the getting is good. Get yourself the BESTKICKASS settlement you can get. Then go 100% black as night.

Give him absolutely no access to you. Let this affair burn out once and for all. Plan on being 100% apart from him for 6 months minimum. No contact.

Send him a roadmap. So he knows what he has to do. Then give him the time to do it. Without putting you through the wringer watching it.

3Bunnies,
I'm glad your surgery went well, and I am so sorry for all you are going through. I'd like to thrash him good, I hope you come out okay financially at least. (((hugs)))