[s]Okay, so I'm new here. I've been reading some posts for a couple days now, but haven't posted myself. My husband and I have been married for nearly 8 years. We were both raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and anyone who's familiar with the group would know that they have very strict rules and guidelines for how you are to live your life. Members only date with marriage in mind. You didn't date to have fun. There was no premarital sex so dating had to be chaperoned. As I'm sure you can imagine, there are a lot of young couples getting married. We were 19. It was very rocky at times. We made each other very happy, but there were a lot of issues early on. Part of the issues were due to just adjusting to each other. We'd never been alone before. We eventually worked through those issues and things got better.
We'd bought a house and had been remodeling it for awhile. Shortly before our second anniversary, my husband found some information we'd learned in the church very unsettling. I myself had chosen to ignore a lot of what we learned feeling like I could never live up to their standards anyway. He did a lot of research and talked to some of the more "mature" ones in the congregation and seemed to find some peace with it for awhile. However, gradually over the next 3 1/2 years he became more depressed and withdrawn. On September 13th, 2008, my husband finally couldn't keep it from me anymore. It wasn't just one thing he didn't agree with anymore, there was a whole list of things. Over the next 6 weeks we argued back and forth about who was right or wrong, but ultimately his decision was to leave the organization. I had done my own studying about the issues that were important to me and came to the same conclusion a short time later. It was the best decision we ever made and we immediately started to get closer. Everything was better. We were really happy. That's been 2 1/2 years. I know that's a lot of background information, but it will make sense.

On March 10th, my husband told me that he'd been thinking a lot about some things he'd missed out on as a result of being raised as Jehovah's Witnesses. While he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he regretted not having the opportunity to be single and have fun. He'd thought about asking me for an open marriage, but had been worried about saying anything because he knows I'm incredibly insecure about myself and didn't want me to think that he didn't want me.I was in shock. I told him I understood how he felt and I did, but I didn't tell him how it truly made me feel. I was always afraid that my husband would get tired of me and want someone else and leave me. I felt like this finally confirmed it. He felt better after telling me and was somewhat prepared to drop it...at least for now. After several days of going back and forth in my head, I finally decided that we would do it. That was St. Patrick's Day. I told him to come up with his list of rules and I would come up with mine. We had similar rules, no friends and no relationships.
The next day, the 18th, this friend sent me a message on Facebook telling me he hated me for being such a "cool wife". He said he couldn't understand why I'd agreed to that, but it was nice that I wanted to make my husband happy. He then asked me how he could get on "the list". I told him right away that it would never happen because he's my husbands best friend and I couldn't do that to him. He is also married and his wife is expecting their first baby next month. I thought he was just joking initially and didn't tell my husband. On the 23rd or 24th, he started sending more messages."If we weren't all friends would you consider me if we met somewhere?" He was attractive, but I was not attracted to him. I told him I might, but it still would never happen. He would reply with "is it because you don't find me attractive?" Again, I would assure him that I found him attractive, but this was not going to happen. I kept feeling the need to make him feel better, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. He was very persistent for a couple days and I started flirting back. After two or three full days of flirting....a lot of flirting (I'm not very busy at my job)we sent pictures via text message. That was the 26th. We continued to text every day for the next week and then he started asking when we would have sex. I told him I didn't want to risk my relationship and I didn't want anyone to get hurt. He kept saying I had a free pass and he could live with whatever he did. I still didn't want to hurt anyone. On April 3rd, my husband and I went to this friend and his wife's house for the evening. It was the first time we'd actually seen each other since the whole thing started. The next day, he became more insistent that we see each other. I put it off saying it wouldn't work and it was too risky. He told me my husband would have a lot of experiences and this could be my one. I still don't know why I agreed to it, but I did. We planned for me to go to his house two days later. April 6th. Almost two weeks since I'd started flirting with him.
Ultimately, we did not have sex. We attempted, but because of some medication he takes, he could not. I was glad. It all felt wrong and I didn't want to be there. I finally left. The entire drive home all I could think about was that I'd just done something I never thought I'd do and I hated myself for it. I felt dirty and ashamed and guilty. I still didn't end it. I didn't know how to. I'd just done the dumbest thing of my life and I knew it and I still didn't know how to stop it. Two days later, on April 8th, my husband growing suspicious about a picture I sent him and what I'd said about it decided to look at my phone. The one person I never wanted to hurt felt destroyed and it was all my fault. In one moment I had killed our relationship and taken away his best friend. I've felt a constant sickness ever since. There has been absolutely zero contact with this person since that day. I didn't want him. I had no attachment to him. I've always wanted my husband, but I'd made a horrible mistake. The most important things to my husband were "nobody we know, and no relationships". I did both.
Since then, we've been on quite a roller coaster. I stayed with a friend for a few days and then moved back in due to financial concerns. We attempted to live like roommates for a couple weeks, but that didn't work. He felt that I didn't have a right to ask where he was going or what he was doing when he went out. He had told me that he didn't know what he wanted to do about us, but that he wanted to do his own thing for awhile. That might include dating other people. I tried to agree with that for awhile, but I was terrified that he would meet someone better than me and not want to try to fix us. I've checked up on him on FB and his phone, but that obviously doesn't help anything. He doesn't think the trust can ever be repaired or that he can ever get over what I did. As of today, he wants us to separate for awhile. He loves me and wants me, but he doesn't know if he wants to try to fix us. So, now I have to try to back away from my best friend and the person I love most in this world completely while he tries to figure out what he wants to do. My sister has offered me a place to stay so at least I'll be with family, but how do I not talk to or see someone that has been the most important part of my life for the last ten years? I know this is long and I apologize. If you made it all the way through, thank you. Please help.

I am not going to read all that. Please condense down to 3 paragraphs and break your posts into paragraphs. If you want help, please make sure your posts are readable, short and concise.

Thank you and welcome to Marriage Builders.

Okay. I've tried to shorten it.... a lot. I'm sorry there's so much info there.

I let her know exactly what happened.

We need about 1/10th of that to GET your situation. More is not better if you want people to understand your situation and take the time to read through it. We don't need alot of superfluous information.

Can you cut that back to about 3 paragraphs?

regretful,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you have the need to be here but you will get lots of helpful advice & suggestions.

After reading through your story it's pretty obvious you and your H do not value your marriage or each other and have taken no steps to protect those very important things. You might have the chance to correct that.

PLEASE take the time to read the articles on this website. Read the concepts and principles of MarriageBuilders.

Is there any chance you can call the radio show and present your situation to Dr Harley? There's no charge and it's completely anonymous. Click on the MarriageBuilders Radio link for instructions.

Good luck to you!!

I've read your betrayed husband's story on another site. He is very hurt, angry, confused and heartbroken

Regretful,

Am I understanding this right?

Your husband wanted an open relationship where he could play the field.

YOu both agreed no friends

you tried it with his best friend but he couldn't follow through because he was on meds

Your husband found out and now is upset, not because you were unfaithful, but because you broke the rules...

Is this the short and skinny of it?

CV

The MB concepts still apply here.

First take full responsibility for what you did. Just because he "gave you permission" does not mean it was a good idea or the right thing to do. I've been there and I am dealing with the after math of it. He most likely did not think you would really take him up on offer.

Open relationships bring nothing but disaster and poor boundaries that lead to heart break.

Your husband is the one who wanted to have the open marriage. Now he has to live with the consequences.
First he basically told you that he wanted to have sex with other women but he also wanted you to continue to iron his shirts and take care of the children.
Now he wants to hold this over your head. He basically wanted out of the marriage anyway. Now you have given him a reason to blame you.

Anyway, you did not even have sex with his friend, while he did who knows what with other women...

Allthough I think it was an absolutely bad idea in the first place, this open marriage thing, you must be honest and decide if you want to be married to a man who treats you the way he does and second, if you want to be a woman who has sex with other people (s husbands).

If you have decided on that you can decide to MB with your husband.

Godd bless you

That would be accurate.

Because of out history, I understand why my husband asked what he did. However, I was not completely open with him about my feelings. If I had, it would not have continued. I still made a decision to form a relationship with his best friend. I don't understand why, but i'm not making any excuses for it.

I'm getting help for my depression and I wholeheartedly hope my husband xhooses to work on this marriage with me. I hope he can see we're worth it.

Regretful,

You do realize what your husband is saying is nonsense, right? My W was 15 and I was 17 when we met. We never "played the field" before marriage. She was my first and I was hers. I am now 41 and she's a little younger... I suspect, that he asked for an open relationship to alleviate the guilt feelings he was having because there was someone else already.

I know very little about being Jehovah Witness outside basic theological tenets. What would happen if you went and spoke to your pastor there, or the leaders at your church? I suspect they would confront him wholeheartedly on this, right?

Also, have you ordered Surviving an Affair? You may want to do that, and in the meantime, read some more of what's on the website about husbands and affairs. This will strengthen your knowledge and help you make informed decisions. Is it possible that you formed this relationship with his Best friend to make him jealous?

CV

That is my impression, too. I think he has engineered himself an excuse to bail on you and your marriage. He was probably dissatisfied before (possibly due to secretly forcing you to compete against someone else) but didn't want to be so low down as to end the marriage himself, so he set up some "new rules" and tricked you into agreeing to them so that either he could blame the downfall of the relationship on you, or he could set up a situation where he could still stay married to you and pretend to keep his self-respect while banging somebody else.

I would want to start snooping on this man immediately and find out what he is doing and what he has done.


I agree that exposing this adulterous behavior to your church and to anyone else that your husband respects is a very, very good idea! Shine light onto this darkness.

By the way, I agree that "playing the field" sexually before marriage is nonsense. Saving oneself for marriage is still a great idea, and there have always been people who have done this, and there still are.


Yes, definitely get this book.

Also, check out on this website:
* Dr. Harley's advice for surviving infidelity http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
* Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts for a marriage full of romantic love http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

This will strengthen your knowledge and help you make informed decisions. Is it possible that you formed this relationship with his Best friend to make him jealous?

CV [/quote]

We left the church because it's basically a mind control cult. We don't have any associations with any current members and that's perfectly fine with both of us. His request stemmed from the fact that you aren't given a choice to stray from their rules. If you do, they kick you out and lose everything. Family, friends, everything you've ever known. Neither one of us was truly free to grow up like normal kids and make normal mistakes.

However, I do know that he freely made the decision to get married as did I. He regrets ever having told me his idea and what he was feeling, but I still have to accept responsibilty for my actions. Maybe deep down I did resent him for bringing it up and that's why I didn't stop it. I don't know for sure. I do know that my husband still is and always has been the man of my dreams. I'll do whatever it takes to repair the damage.

I have been reading the info on this site, but have not yet gotten the book. I'll add it to my list of reading.

Hogwash.

Isn't this really a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Jehovah's Witnesses did not invent marriage. They didn't invent or discover the parameters that have made marriage good and rewarding for thousands of years for people across many cultures and religions. One of those parameters is fidelity. Infidelity hurts people whether they are part of a religion or not.

Chafing under the rules of a religion might be a great reason to leave a church, but to me it seems like a terrible reason to obliterate marriage vows.

Infidelity is not a "normal" mistake. It's common, but that does not mean it is a desirable experience in life. Likewise for "playing the field" sexually before marriage. It may be something that a lot of people do, but that does not make it a good idea!

Lots of "normal" people lead completely miserable lives. Did you know that the most common cause of depression in women is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend? 20% of marriages remain happy long term, and people who have studied those marriages say that they do very predictable things that make that marital satisfaction predictable. One of the things they do, regardless of faith or lack of faith, is be faithful to each other, emotionally and physically.

To me this makes about as much sense as shooting your children because your childhood was unhappy. Why shoot your marriage just because some years of your life were wasted with the wrong church? If you were prevented from making some mistakes in life, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES NOW? It seems to me that missing some of the mistakes in life might be one of the GOOD things that came out of your upbringing.

Do you and your husband have any children, by the way? How long have you been married?

Well I am not sure how Prisca really feels ....

Seriously, this is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Everything has rules. Rules define boundaries. Boundaries are there to make us feel and act safe. the JW's may have had extreme or unhealthy boundaries, but it doesn't negate the need for boundaries in general.

One of the funniest lines of "hogwash" (quoting prisca here) I ever heard was at a wedding reception, and I think it's very telling. The best man stood up and said "Marriage... it's not just a word, it's a sentence."

How untrue! It appears this is your H's view of marriage. He's received a sentence that he doesn't want to serve, yet the truth is, it is self imposed. A choice entered into freely. I am sure he didn't get married just so he could have sex.

This is a heart issue... it is not about missing out on something he feels he *needed*.

I strongly suspect that what he feels is that he "deserves" something... He deserves the right to do whatever he wants because he felt he was being controlled and wants to exercise control in every way he can.

I believe most A's are about control... feeling like you are out of control and wanting to take control of their lives again. The truth is, we are all beholden to someone. We have wives, husbands, bosses, kids, the IRS... God... And we are never in control. I can't control the rain we are getting.. nada...

Think about it.

Also, have you told the OM's wife what has happened? I think you may need to confess to her what you did. Come clean. Have you ended your relationship with the OM? I cannot remember if you posted this or not. Absolutely no contact.... Whether his junk is broke or not, you *must* break all contact with him... Forever.


CV