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Ok I have been married for 5 years and My wife cheated with my very good friend- BUT.....this GUY is married to My WIFES BEST friend(who dosent know YET)...I was so blown away when i found out I couldnt even believe it...I caught them before they had slept together BUT they had already had A LOT of fun...mainly a texting fantasy that they acted on few times....finally going to a hotel little bit out of town. I just lost my business to a act of nature a week before the affair started. My wife says she loves me and cant believe she did this to her friend and husband....we had some problems and I have lied and done my share to destroy this relationship...NOW i am forcing my wife to come clean to her best friend ....and my wife really dosent see any value in this...because she believes this guy just made some bad judgement and he loves her friend and is a very good husbad(he is good at deception)...so now i have been on an emotional rollercoaster....no fighting with my wife either....we love each other and have been together on and off and VERY intimite a few nights...I had some AMAZING nights with her and felt closer than ever....BUT now she is having to destroy and face her best friend and I think because I am making her do this...im going to lose my wife because of it....But i feel its the only way. I have made my choice on telling her friend....but Im not sure how to handle my wife after it comes out...she is telling her best friend what she did TODAY because I will not live with this being swept under the carpet! I have my wife back right now but she is starting to say... what she did was to trbl and we should move on....even though she has begged me to give us a chance. she is SO hurt and confused right now because I am making this affair known by her best friend. I am letting my wife tell her friend. Im going to try and win my wife back AGAIN after this happens by showing her love and support....if she rejects me I will move on with my life....and if she realizes she did the right thing and is not bitter about what i made her FACE....then i guess thats the end. I figure it will work it self out as long as I do the right thing here... which i am...please wish me luck...i cant see any other way i could have handled this better....please give me some input...

I love my wife and i take a lot of the blame that put us at this point....it seams pretty bad what she did...but God knows i really am no saint...and I am also a liar. I think this could accually renew a desire and love for each other that was lost. I had a wake up call when i lost my business....but this has been her wake up call ....no lets see if what we both want in life ....100% is each other....thats where i am in my story...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/18/11 12:06 PM.
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Really this isn't that uncommon and Im sorry you are here. Often Affairs are with BFs and even siblings. The vets will be along soon enough to aid you in your plans. Have you ordered and read DR Harleys books yet? If Not then thats a good move. Until then read every page on this site. Order Surviving an Affair, His needs her needs and love busters to start.
It will also be helpful to know more about you like do you have children?


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Sorry but I have a lot of questions...

Any children?
How old are you and your wife?
Would you and your wife be willing to never see these friends again?
Can you independently verify that WW and OM are not in contact any more?
Is WW ready to do a no contact letter?

And it was a PA. Adults don't go to a hotel room to chat.

Last edited by Cypress; 05/18/11 12:14 PM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Theres a few steps you need to take to save your marriage, but there really is no choice in what you must do.

First, you have to tell OMs wife.
Second, you must go to no contact for life with the OM and the other couple.

They WERE your best friends, but they are no longer.

Sweeping this under the rug is not an option.

Also, if you think they went to a hotel and didnt have sex then youre very nave. The did have sex.

These things arent negotiable and your wife has no choice in the matter short of divorce. You cant have any more contact with this couple and the OM and your WW have proven that neither of them are good friends.

Do not leave telling OMs wife to your WW. She will either sugarcoat it or not tell her the full truth.

There are no half measures here. This will eat you up inside every time you guys are around the other couple since you will now know that OM, your best friend, has slept with your wife.

You will also end up leaving the door open for it to happen down the road if you dont cutoff all contact.

Best of luck to you. Any kids?

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CupJOE Offline OP
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We have no kids.... and i have read Surviving an Affair...I have been reading a lot of what people go thru on this site...I try and relate.

Im American but my wife is Columbian....we are very different but have a lot of love and are a lot alike in many great ways. Our relationship has been unique but it was not that bad when she cheated....she says it didnt have anything to do with me....she has said over and over again IT WAS JUST AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY....and as soon it was found out it totally died and she relized how stupid and dumb it was to get involved into the affair...it lasted about a month before i found EVERYTHING... I know my wife loves me...but sometimes love is not enough...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/18/11 12:14 PM.
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CupJOE Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cypress
Sorry but I have a lot of questions...

Any children?
How old are you and your wife?
Would you and your wife be willing to never see these friends again?
Can you independently verify that WW and OM are not in contact any more?
Is WW ready to do a no contact letter?

And it was a PA. Adults don't go to a hotel room to chat.


no kids and I am 32 and she is turning 30... after today... and her friend knows everything it is very apparent that we will never talk to them again...I do believe it is over and will remain over...

No contact letter? is that like a contract between me and her? Im sure she would...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/18/11 12:22 PM.
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if u broaden the word "Sex" then yes they did have sex....just not intercourse...Oral and other things might have happened...But not that this makes things any better or worse...I just caught them before they made it to the next level in thier affair...It was VERY hot and HEAVY and they were very much into each other....i found all the emails and texts...the whole thing was so crazy.

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There are examples of no contact letters on this forum. The two of you agree on the wording and you see her send it. There are 2 purposes for the letter:

1. It sends a clear message to the OM that the affair is over and will not resume.

2. You get to see WW's reaction to the sending of the letter. If she balks, the affair may not be over for her. If she does it willingly, and wants to work on the marriage, you will be more likely to have a good outcome.

Last edited by Cypress; 05/18/11 12:36 PM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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CupJOE Offline OP
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Im not worried about them being in conact again...but i think the letter is great affirmation for all parties involved. Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. She thinks no more pain needs to be inflicted...affair is over and no one needs to get hurt further...But i am letting her tell her friend...I almost did myself...but I want to give my marriage the best chance at surviving....SO I WAITED and I am letting my wife tell her. I hate my wife must endure more pain...and that really tears me up inside...Im ok...but i hate to see what my wife has went thur even worse...hopefully she will see that she did the right thing by telling her friend the truth and dosent resent me....i guess i will find out in the next few days...all happening right NOW.

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Could you be present when WW tells OMW?


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Originally Posted By: Hilsmonemoretime
Really this isn't that uncommon and Im sorry you are here. Often Affairs are with BFs and even siblings. The vets will be along soon enough to aid you in your plans. Have you ordered and read DR Harleys books yet? If Not then thats a good move. Until then read every page on this site. Order Surviving an Affair, His needs her needs and love busters to start.
It will also be helpful to know more about you like do you have children?



I am new to this forum and I was struck by your comment re: siblings. Are affairs with siblings that common?

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Originally Posted By: CupJOE
Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. She thinks no more pain needs to be inflicted...affair is over and no one needs to get hurt further...


CupJOE,

SHE destroyed her friendship when SHE decided to sleep with her BF husband.

She is protecting HERSELF by not owning up to her actions and facing the consequences.

Not telling the OMW is the most hurtful thing she can do. This woman deserves to know the truth about her life. How is she going to feel when she finds out that everyone knew but her?

Do not let your WW shift blame to you.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Hi Joe, sorry you are here. Inwould strongly suggest that your wife NOT be the one to tell her. That is to invite disaster. First off, it is unlikely the omw will get the truth and secondly, if she does get the truth she may assault your wife. It will be traumatic enough to get this news, why compound the trauma by having the perp tell her? This news should come from you - without warning. I would pick up the phone now and tell the OMW what has been done to her.

And I wouldn't be concerned about her resentment, it is YOUR resentment that will be the issue.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. Did you really say this? YOU didn't do anything, she owns this not you. It seems to me she made the choice in the motel room herself.


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Originally Posted By: Hilsmonemoretime
Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. Did you really say this? YOU didn't do anything, she owns this not you. It seems to me she made the choice in the motel room herself.


You did not destroy your wife's friend, though. That was done by your wife and the sleazy OM. Your telling the omw gives her the opportunity to protect herself from the cheaters.

Your wife can't blame you for for her cruel behavior and you should not accept that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: CupJOE
if u broaden the word "Sex" then yes they did have sex....just not intercourse...Oral and other things might have happened...But not that this makes things any better or worse...I just caught them before they made it to the next level in thier affair...It was VERY hot and HEAVY and they were very much into each other....i found all the emails and texts...the whole thing was so crazy.
uhuh Don't buy this for one minute, CJ. They were in a motel room. In a bed. This is called trickle-truth. My H did the same thing. First it was 'just a kiss' then it was a 'kiss and she did oral' then it was a 'kiss and mutual stimulation'...you can figure out the rest. You don't have the full story yet.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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The newscaster of a hurricane didn't create the hurricane nor the destruction in its path.

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Are affairs with siblings that common? Common, not as common as say with a co-worker. But yes sisters falling in love with BILaws or brothers having affairs with the others wife isnt all that uncommon. Trust is afforded and can lead to ENs being met by in laws. Once those ENs are met its a short ticket to an A. I didn't mean siblings as in true paternal kin.


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CupJOE Offline OP
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ok truth is out...and i will send an addition email to make sure she has all the truth as I do...But I dont even care anymore. I feel like nothing was accomplished and all i did was further hurt my marriage...I know it had to happen ...but it feels not good...I feel this is the end...oh and what i think feels really bad is...Now the other couple are going to stay together and my marriage is going to crash and burn....I dont feel good about anything right now...I am sitting here waiting for her to get home any minute now so we can talk...I thought after this was out in the open i would be ok....but Im not....im just not...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/18/11 09:47 PM.
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im in total panic mode

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