Lurking until today. Sorry, this is a bit long.

My WH had sex with a POSOW after meeting her in a bar while on an annual drunken golf weekend with his brother and friends last year. Had sex both nights of trip. He spent the next month on phone (she lives 7 hours away) courting her and planning another meeting. He planned meeting her while on business trip while I stayed home watching his boys, my awesome stepsons. Nice.

DDAY morning, I call his hotel room because he didn't return calls or texts from previous night. I was suspicious by weeks of strange behavior and heavy drinking. (I work a second shift, leaving tons of time to pursue POSOW on the phone.) Later saw hours and hours of phone time; hundreds and hundreds of texts. Painful.

The next morning, we talked. He confessed to everything. Since then, he's showed deep remorse, read SAA, doing HNHN, taking EP, NC letter sent and adhered to. We are in IC and, until last month, in MC. He admitted to a porn addiction and is gaining control (a few slips, so not perfect). Until now, I had felt awesome about our recovery. He's been an open book and super positive about therapy (even the tough stuff), meeting needs, precautions. I'm still rebuilding.

WH had two undiscovered affairs in first marriage; he told me about them before we married.(I was able to "justify" them because he said EX wasn't meeting his sexual needs and WH wan't meeting her emotional ones; his EX had an affair and left the marriage, not knowing WH was in one, too.)

WH's brother also had an affair on this trip that led to a deep EA and him saying he was leaving his family. Brother has had many SAs and EAs while married 20+ years. He is being treated as a sex addict.

Brother's wife sent a note a month into our recovery, saying she had more information/lies about my WH and because WH hasn't confessed to them, she suspects he is is a sex addict, too. WH racks brain for other incidents, and says there's nothing. We chalk it up to lies from the brother (trying to make himself look better) or her concern for us because of the nightmare she's dealing with in her WH.

This week, truth comes out: While on business/affair trip (the night before POSOW arrived) WH pursued another woman (23 years old!), trying to get her number and asking to meet him later that night. She declined. WH says he was so drunk that night he doesn't remember propositioning her. Much of that night is blackout for him, but he sadly admits he could have done it, given the way he was thinking/acting back then. Out of control, no rules, all about him. Just has no memory.

WH swears that he would have confessed this incident if he'd had any inkling he'd done it. He is going to discuss it all with his therapist; says he doesn't know what to think.

My question: Is a man who has had three affairs on two wives, and pursued another woman the night before he's supposed to meet his POSOW "love," a sex addict? (And let's not forget the addiction to porn.)

Very depressed about this all today. Hoping for some wise counsel from you awesome MB vets.

I'm sorry your husband, for whatever reason, has treated your gift of love and commitment so shabbily. I hope you (and he) find the answers you need from people qualified to provide them.

Thanks NG. In our recovery, we've considered ourselves lucky his "problem" wasn't as "bad" as his brother's.

But this incident of him pursuing a woman (in a drunken haze) on the eve of meeting his POSOW has me thrown.

Thought I had cried all the tears I was going to over this. ...

I am not going to chalk this up to sex addiction. I am going to chalk this up as just addiction. Either alcohol, porn, or sex an addiction is an addiction. Strong boundaries must be implemented for his recovery and the recovery of your marriage.

As the vets come by they will probably repeat some of this.

1) EP's have to in place. That means no brother, trips, etc... without you always in his presence. His relationship with his family must be very guarded by you. They are dangerous to him.

2) You need him to get a counseling session with Dr. H to discuss his waywardness. They will likely say you need to implement POJA and RH immediately. YOu need severe consequences if this is broken.

He is a serial cheater and your recovery depends on some extreme boundaries with him. That may even mean moving, changing jobs, etc.

If he is willing to meet your EP's immediately you need to enforce with him the minute those are broken you will go into PlanB and his azz will be living someplace else with only the clothes on his back.

If he isn't going to meet your EP's you need to get to a lawyer to discuss finances, children, homes, assets, etc. because you will be heading into PlanB as soon as possible.

You also need to get a Post-Nup agreement immediately that states if he doesn't follow EP's you will be taken care of very well upon a separation and/or divorce.

Try and stay in Plan A for the time being until you can get EP's implemented. If not, then I recommend Plan B as quickly as possible. You cannot save a marriage if he is unwilling to take EP.

My 2cents - I know more advice will be on its way.

Sweetpea2011:
Your husband is either a sex addict or has a hard time controlling himself. I think MEN use the excuse of not being satisfied at home as a reason for cheating and I just do NOT believe that is the case because this is happening way too often and with similar signs, trends and behavior among all MEN and WOMEN who agree to
entertain MEN.

When he told you his first wife was not providing what he needed at home so he had an affair - RED FLAG in MY BOOK! I know as women we want to believe MEN but now that you are experiencing the same thing that is clearly not the case. Are you not providing what he needs at home? So now, what is his excuse. The TRUTH about this infidelity is that MEN have some ISSUES and it MUST be something within that drives them to have multiple partners. I wish someone would have told me before I signed up for MARRIAGE.LOL! I am starting to believe that they are all WIRED to do the same thing but some just are able to control themselves better than others. This is happening WAY to often and I think it is time as a country and society that we STUDY this type of behavior among MEN and WOMEN because it is not NORMAL but in other countries it is NORMAL. Some men have 5-6 wives and multiple children with each. Most know upfront of the potential to have another wife and children so all expectations are on the table from day one.

My mom divorced by dad when I was in 2nd grade for cheating and multiple failed attempts reconciling their differences. She remarried several years later
to find herself faced w/ the same thing in a new marriage. She is still married
to my stepfather but she basically told him she would NOT put up with infidelity. I am not experiencing my own set of issues with my H and I have provided everything under the SUN for my H and he still slept outside of our marriage. My mom tells me it is the same thing just a different person.

I think my H has a sexual addiction too because in the mist of all he has put me through and we are trying to heal I found him looking at C list for woman while I was out of town. He forgot to delete his sent e-mails. Really?

I'm convinced....

MEN and WOMEN that entertain MEN really have some real issues in this country or maybe this country has it all wrong on how we view marriage. Is it really for a MAN to be with one WOMAN? Are other countries right? I guess it depends on your religious beliefs. Right now, mine are in question.....

My H told me a man can have sex with a woman and have NO emotional attachment whatsoever. I guess that is why we see some people with children and say...how and why did someone sleep with that person?? Just the pleasure...That is all MEN are after in most cases.

Just because a person has poor boundaries, lack of self control, is selfish and only thinks of themselves, and a normal sex drive, DOES NOT mean they are an "addict".

Your husband has maturity issues, not a sexual addiction.

Bethesda:

I can't believe I thought that because I knew of his previous affairs on EX that would protect my marriage. I *thought* we were using his experiences w/divorce/communication to affair-proof ours. We had a fantastic/active sex life.

He's not using any excuses in his affair in our marriage. He knows he was wrong, and that we weren't paying ENOUGH attention to our marraige. But he's shouldering most of the burden.

My SIL is in a support group for spouses of sex addicts. She says if she stays with her WH, she likely will be dealing with infidelity for the rest of her life as the spouses in her support group are. So few sex addicts can be "cured."

My WH thought with the "right" wife, he wouldn't cheat. And yet he did.

Now I'm just trying to figure out if he is a sex addict. And if he is, if that can't be controlled by MB techniques and therapy.

I love him with all my heart. He IS a good man. He's made a lot of progress. But will it be enough?

I don't think I can survive another affair.

Schtoop: Are you saying you don't think sexual addiction exists, or just that my WH isn't one?

I'm sure that true sex addicts do exist.

But I'm saying to proposition younger women at bars while whooping it up with friends, pusuing another and having an affair, and a habit of looking at porn, then blaming it on sexual addiction is a cop out.

it's toughlove: thanks for the reply.

EPs are in place and being adhered to. No overnight business trips, no alcohol not in my presence, no trips w/brother/friends. He's all on board. WE have even discussed lunches with male business acquaintances.
He's in individual therapy now. POJA is in place. Not familiar with RH?? Consequence is divorce.

This affair did not happen around work, although first two affairs in first marraige were involved with work. Solo work outtings are forbidden.

He's willing and been doing so for six months.

This is interesting. I insisted on this immediately. He agreed on day 1 or two, but ever since backpedaled. We addressed it in MC, but to no avail. I will ponder this more.

I'm no longer in plan A. just following protocol for UA time and no love busting. So is WH.

WH doesn't think he's a sex addict. He thinks he has boundary issues, which we have addressed.

I'm the one concerned he's an addict. His brother is one.

When does a serial cheater cross the line to sex addict?

I agree with you. Another affair would send me over the edge. My situation is already so messed up!

My H felt he was not a sex addict and perhaps WE do not understand what that means. I felt he was addicted to sex to have a one time encounter w/someone unprotected, seek out prostitutes, on-line porn sites and communicate online seeking women for a good time. All in the same period have a great sex life with your wife not knowing any of this is going on. Although he says he stopped he continued, therefore, to me you are either addicted and cannot stop your behavior or you have no regard for my feelings or the marriage.

I really thought I had a great marriage. I would have never imagined my situation in one million years! I was the all american wife or at least I thought I was. My H decided to seek a low life who only saw what he represented because if he had another occupation she probably would have turned the opposite way. The OW was clearly aware we were married. No regard. AT ALL!

I wish I could put my finger on this but if someone could answer WHY men really cheat it would be the MILLION $$ answer. I think we all can come up with crazy excuses an blame everything under the sun but I am starting to think, given all the stories, that MEN have a hard time staying and maintaining a monogamous sexual relationship because they are not HARD wired to be. They are aggressive human beings that require multiple partners. I know it seems crazy but why is okay in other cultures to have multiple women but not ours?? Just something I have been thinking about. I am not saying it is NOT WRONG in my eyes but I'm just looking at all the stories we hear on this site and elsewhere.

ughhhhh! why us?

But I'm not sure I agree that men are the sole problem. I've been reading this site for months, happily thinking my husband had boundary issues -- not a sex addict, if he is one -- and there are many, many betrayed husbands on here, too.

Wish I knew why people cheat. My dad cheated, and I KNEW my husband cheated in his first marriage. I was just stupid to think "I" was the elixir he needed for a solid/faithful marriage.

Sex addict or serial cheater. Does it really matter the label? I think a psychologist might say yes. Perhaps MB veterans might say yes, might say no. I have no idea.

sigh.

Sweet,

Something isn't adding up.

We cannot sit on this forum to determine whether he is a sex addict or not? It isn't are job. We are here to give you the tools needed to make sure your marriage can be saved and then thrive.

Why are you so concerned if it is a sex addiction or not? Does he need a justification?

Can't you just accept that he has horrible boundaries and very extreme precautions must be made?

Please provide us with a list of your EP's for him so we can see exactly how you are protecting your marriage.

I wouldn't try and justify this. I would stay in the present and look at what needs to be done today, which is your need for EP's and his need for boundaries.

Cheers Tough~

Also - what are his EN's and your EN's? Can he start also posting to this forum?

make that: he WANTS to be a man with integrity. not without integrity.

His are:
Admiration
Healthy, hot sex
respect
spontenaity
... and healthy, hot sex

Mine are:
Truthfulness/honesty
Romance
Affection/sex
Relaxation

Doubtful he'd post.

I've told him I've been lurking for months. I told him I just posted for the first time because of how afraid I am about his being a possible sex addict.

He likes MB concepts, but he's not been a big fan of me lurking. He thinks it keeps the A fresh; I tell him it's the misery loves company and seeing others in the same boat, and sadly, worse makes me feel more normal.

Sweet - I am concerned you are not fully understanding the EP's and EN's. I would encourage you to go back and redo the questionaire.

Please use SAA and HNHN as guidance. Spontenaity isn't an EN. SF can be #1, but so your husband needs one more.

Your EP's are very weak. I would encourage you to call Dr. H to find out some stronger boundaries. Your husband is a serial cheater. You need very strict EP's to prevent this from happening again.

Your husband's family is very dangerous to him at the moment. You need guidance on how to deal with his family.

Read the threads. Below are some EP's you may want on your list.

No Alcohol and enter a 12 Step Program
Never allowed to travel alone, I will always accompany you on your travels.
We sleep under the same roof every night for the rest of our lives
STD Test
Authentic repentance
Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)
Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after
Confession & apology to children
Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him
IC, MC, & Family
Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose
NC Letter
Complete Open Transparency for All electronic communication: No single facebook (joint facebook only)
No nights apart
Leisure time together only
No opposite sex friends ever
Complete radical honesty about our entire history together
15+ hours together weekly
Implement Policy of radical honesty and joint agreement
Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce

Cheers Tough!