Hi everyone - I'm back. I posted here a few years ago, after discovering WH's 2nd A - and sadly, am now a shining example of a BS who failed. The thing I am struggling with is that I knew that I needed to meet WH's ENs to avoid what has happened, but I just couldn't bring myself to.

Briefly - we have been married for 15 years. One DD, 8. DD8 became very ill when she was nearly 1, and I became paralyzed with fear and depression. A year later, I discovered WH's 1st A, with a neighbor (not immediate, thankfully). I confronted her and exposed to a few key family members. I believed they had ended it, but some months later found a secret cell phone that I believe he used to contact OW1. Soon thereafter, I discovered WH's 2nd A, with a co-worker. She was much younger than him, and not particularly impressive. At around that point, I found MB and read SAA and HNHN. The principles made sense to me. Again, I exposed the A to key family members, but didn't do a nuclear exposure as recommended. I did ask WH to do some things that would enable me to trust him - to wear his wedding ring, and give me his cell password. His response was "I'm not going to live like that."

In the intervening years, we lived together, like roommates. Neither one of us made any effort to meet the other's ENs. (His are SF, Admiration, Affection) I knew I needed to if I wanted the M to survive, but I couldn't. I can't fully explain why. In part, I believe it was because I had built up a lot of resentment toward him. I felt he had never "been there" for me, and that he had deserted me emotionally during the time of my greatest need. But I never thought he would abandon us.

Fast forward to this year. On Valentine's day, I discovered he was in an PA with a 23 year old co-worker (who happens to be a subordinate). WH is 51. As far as I can tell, she is cute and cheerful, but not much else. I told WH that is he continued to see her, he needed to leave. So, early last month, he moved out. I asked him is OW3 was living with him, and he replied "part time."

When he moved out, his intention was to explain to DD8 that "mommy and daddy don't love each other any more." I told him that wasn't true on my part, so her told her that we didn't love each other "the same way" any more. He continues to bring DD8 to school, and spends time with her on his days off. Cake eating, I suppose.

I managed a feeble Plan A while he was still here, and have exposed the A to my family, his family, and OW's parents. The A has been exposed at their workplace.

I am here to seek guidance. I know that I am at a crossroads, and that the decisions I make now will likely be permanent. So many of those who are close to me have told him that I should close the door, and not look back. For DD8's sake, I am afraid to do that. I wonder where we would be if I had made that effort to meet his ENs, or whether it would have made any difference.

The speed with which he dispatched us leads me to believe that his emotional detachment occurred many years ago, and this A showed him the exit.

How do I decide whether to work on this - or bail?

Sorry you are here(again) and welcome(back?). I want to ask you, what are you willing to do this time? Are you willing to give MB a real go? I skimmed through your earlier posts and I see that OW2 continued to work with your WH. You said that you were unable to go into a proper Plan b due to your DD's medical issues. That is why my question, what has changed in you? What are you willing to do?

Also, KNOW(not just for you, but for all of the lurkers out there too) that you not meeting your WH's ENs did NOT lead to him having his THIRD(?) affair. His weak boundaries around women is what led to that that.

So, I would suggest you get into a dark as night Plan B ASAP. You have been doing this for far too long.

I add my condolences to my colleague's.

Now, get ready to do battle. TODAY contact a lawyer and explain the situation - you don't have to use the "D" word yet, just get advice regarding:

- The laws regulating the evidence of proven adultery on any settlement.
- What actions would consititute "abandonment".
- Your right to claim any medical, and support benefits your husband has accrued through his employment.
- Whether you're lucky enough to be in a State with "alienation of affection" statutes.
- If there is an initial filing for child support that is usual.
- The usual dispersal of the family home in your jurisdiction.

He will have other things to guide you on (Hey, he's well paid for that stuff!). Listen to him. BUT - and this is critical for the moment - make very clear that you want no divorce/separation papers filed yet.

Stung,

so her told her that we didn't love each other "the same way" any more.

BS, your DD needs to know the truth, in an age adjusted way, "Daddy is loving someone he should not be, BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED, and his actions have broken up our family"

Also you need to speak with this young girls parents about the old coot who is making a fool of himself.

God Bless
Gamma

I don't know. I feel old, and tired. And overcome by the depth and extent of his cruelty and lies.
And why would he even consider reconciling when StonyLola is swooning over him and meeting his every EN?

I know. This will, undoubtedly, be the greatest LB of all.
DD8 understands the concept of cheating, as she mentioned it in the context of a conversation about Prince Charles and his OW, Cruella.

I sent them a letter, asking them to use their influence to persuade their daughter to end the affair.
There has been no response, from them, OW, or WH.

I can't make the decision for you on why you would want to try to save your marriage. You are the only one to make that decision. I am asking you if you are willing to do the hard work needed to follow the MB plans. If so, I will help give you advice to guide you though MB, wherever possible. If not, I will listen to you vent, and follow your sitch, giving you whatever advice I can.

Thanks, Scotty. I have read enough to know that I need to move to Plan B. I have read parts of your thread, but not all of it. How did you manage Plan B with your boys, and WH's visitation schedule? Right now, WH picks DD up and drives her to school, and sees her on one or two of his days off. There is NO WAY I will allow her to go to his apartment if StonyLola is there.

Thanks, NeverGuessed. I am familiar with most, but not all, of the answers to your questions. I plan to contact a lawyer this week.

The visitations are set, and have been in place since the Plan B letter. My WH calls when he is in front of the house and DSx2 walk out. When they come home, WH says good-bye to them at the sidewalk and then he drives away, then DSx2 come in. WH used to call them a couple of minutes later to make sure they got in, but DS10 told him that was annoying. WH then started to drive around the block to make sure they got in, since DSx2 refused to come in until WH was gone.

Unfortunately, in my sitch, there was no way I could keep WH away from DSx2 when he is with OW. He moved in with OW and legally, if I didn't let him see his children, I would have lost custody. It sucks that my children see OW and if I could have done anything about it, I would have.

So, my question to you now is, how are YOU going to implement Plan B? What obstacles will you face and how can you plan for them now to ease your transition to Plan B?