DIZ,

You don't understand the psychological warfare aspect of this. Figure reasons out to file for sole custody. Surely there are things she's done that can be listed. A seasoned lawyer can come up with all kinds of reasons.

The objective is to have her fear losing it all because of the affair. It has nothing to do with the reality. You won't get sole custody. But you ask for it.

And a no contest divorce assumes there won't be a fight. You WILL be fighting. You'll go for custody of your daughter. THAT is the primary motivation for you.

Your goal, if you do divorce, is 50/50 custody, but you won't get it unless you fight for it.

My friend, 90% of the battle you're fighting is psychological. There is a guy from here named Mortarman, who didn't want a D, but fought tooth and nail for custody. His wife came out of the fog when it looked like she was going to lose custody.

Many WW'es believe there are no consequences for women in the D's and in terms of custody. Courts have changed and fathers rights are recognized.

I say this to you having made tons of assumptions that I would lose as a man because I was a man. That's not the case.

I say this to you in the hopes of giving you a silver lining in all of this. One of the biggest motivators for me to try to save my marriage was the idea that I wouldn't be able to see my kids.

Well, that's not reality, and you can engage in all of this more clearly if you have hope.

The ball is actually all in your court. You can try to save things or you can go for a D. The D talk is all for your protection. I know you don't want one, but you have to protect yourself at the same time.

This. When I'd had enough, I saw a lawyer. I didn't discuss it with my WH.

any changes az?

Current status:

She says she will file for a Legal Separation this week (but costs $250, not sure she has that). Same process as a divorce (60 day wait, plus my response). Have to do all the dividing up, etc.

She says she is willing to stay in the house (separate rooms) and work on things. Willing to attend counseling and discuss our issues. Still adamant that she wants a divorce, after 3 months (which will take another 4-6 months). We are a financial wreck, so that may play into her decision. Kids are really upset, which is also weighing on her.

In the last 24 hours, she has softened considerably. Actually talks to me instead of grunts. I've seen text to her friends that say she is just going to wait out the 3 months for the kids (if we are have a "better" relationship, it will be better for them).

Should I be guardedly optimistic and continue to Plan A my but off?

By the way, it has been hard to maintain Plan A with someone that hates you, but I know that she can't keep hating someone that is sincerely trying to help her. Just hard to go day to day.

Somewhat worried because one of her bad influence friends comes back from vacation tonight. She helped hide the affair. I hope that my wife minimizes her contact with her, but afraid she will not.

Down, the more difficult you make it, the less likely you will end up divorced. See, she has imagined an easy, fantasy divorce and if you give her that, or promise her that, you will end up divorced. You will jerk a knot in her tail if you paint a very ugly picture for her. PLEDGE to fight her all the way; promise to countersue on grounds of adultery and haul the OM into court to give sworn testimony. [if you live in a fault state] Describe how "discovery" will look when both she and the OM are subpoenaed for their cell phone and email records. Tell her you will go after possession of the home and primary custody of the children. Doing this will give her second thoughts about divorce.

Let her know you won't cooperate. If she files, you will countersue and it wont' be pretty. Make this very clear to her.


Tell her no thanks. You are not interested. In order to stay together in the same house, you would have to get her committment to repair the marriage. If she is not ready to do that, then you agree that separation and divorce is in order. But in order for you to be interested, tell her she will need to do a few things:

1. end her affair for life
2. commit to repairing the marriage using this program
3. live and act like a married couple, ie: sleeping together and going out together - no going out alone

See, what she is attempting to do here is to set this up so she can sleep in the back bedroom, carry on like an alley cat in heat [by pronouncing herself "separated,"]for a few months. By then, she can get you kicked out and since she went to "counseling" a few times, she can tell others she "tried."


It won't get better unless there is a plan. It will not get better by magic. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL. If there is no viable plan along with a committment you are facing a death of a thousand cuts.

I think you are being you are being set up and your wife is not really interested in recovery.

Most marriage counselors are actually divorce facilitators who will help your wife realize her current feelings du jour. MC don't understand infidelity so if your wife is in the fog, they will help her take action [destroy your marriage] based on those fleeting feelings. Marriage counselors are very destructive to marriage and it is not uncommon for them to recommend marriage wrecking things like separation, divorce, continued contact with affair partners, the list goes on and on. And when a wayward gets validation for wrecking their marriage, there is no stopping it.

If you are going to do counseling you had better spend your ONE SHOT with someone who knows what they are doing and that is Steve Harley. He does understand infidelity and he does understand wayward bullcrap.

What Melody said. All of it. Read it over and over.

Yep.I know its tough AZ. But to reinforce what you need to tell your WW that are your requirements. YOUR CONDITIONS ARE...(calmly but assertive)
1. end her affair for life
2. commit to repairing the marriage using this program
3. live and act like a married couple
OR GET YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE ALL BY YOURSELF and I will be filing for Sole custody, child support and all marital assets on the grounds of mental abuse. (who cares if you can or cant let her figure that out)(then Honey I love you and we can make this work if we follow a plan, I dont want a divorce or a separation I want to restore love to our M. Now would you like some of your favorite cheese cake I made it freshly just for you) Smile, cool and calmly.
Remember its a war. Psychologically tactically a war. You may have to bluff but have a plan if the bluff has to become more.
The OM is oversees and probably has a pit the size of the sea in his stomach knowing he is in jeopardy. He has put his career in danger for a fling. If you have quit applying your anger out on him then renew that anger. Finish this POSOM off and dont let him get away with what he helped do to your family. The more fear you can give him about his career the better. I hope this has already been done as it will anger WW again if not, which will also let you know if there is contact. Thus the consequences of trickle exposure. But she cant run to him easily for ENs to be met. And if he fears losing his GOV clearance he will gladly forget your WW ever existed. Then you have an even better chance of this working. But you have to ensure he is GONE GONE GONE.
Melody/Others Please chime in if you dont agree with exposure continuance. I can be quite aggressive with POSOM. My WW taught me that.

don't get played here, she is not offering you a thing. She is simply trying to engineer free room and board until she is prepared to leave you.

She carefully constructed a scenario where she is ready to pack her bags today and wants you to believe that she will follow thru if you don't accept her offer of basically nothing. Even if she actually leaves its better than what she has put out there - a boardinghouse marriage and counseling as way to pass time. Go pound salt - that should be your answer.

This is an excellent point. DowninAz, have you exposed the OM to the workplace and to his family? If not, you need to put the hammer down on him. I have a feeling you are being played here and that there is a plan in the works for your wife to ease you out quietly and peacefully so she can ease him in. Her "plan" to move into the back bedroom and go to "counseling" to see how she feels in 3 months is a set up for failure and I don't think that is an accident. I think it is part of a bigger plan. You have a chance to save your marriage if you blow up that plan.

This is why you should not be going along with HER plan, but your own. Expose the OM completely and fully and go to your wife and tell her you won't cooperate with the live-in-the-guestroom plan, but will only participate in YOUR PLAN.

I agree with continued exposure.

My last WWex put a 6 month timeline after DD day. She stopped contact as far as I knew. But she did not do anything to help recover the marriage during the 6 months.

Don't mention the timeline. You don't have to accept it. Require her to work on the marriage. Get her to start reading SAA. Don't go to MC's. They will support the timeline.

Too often the WW is in the driver's seat because the BS is afraid of upsetting the apple cart, instead settling for crumbs. That is a BIG mistake. Listen to what the others have said here. Only if the affair is busted and she is working on your M do you have a chance of recovery. YOU come up with YOUR terms and don't agree to anything less!

AZ whats up Bro? How are you and the kids?

Hey AZ how about an update

Im truly sorry he seems to be gone. I will pray for you and your family AZ.

Sorry guys, has been a long, stressful time.

Update: WW has had not contact, that I can tell (very closely monitor, I am 99.9% sure). OM is out of the picture.

We are still living together, working on Plan A. Sleep in same room. No physical contact, but relationship is very amicable. When forced withe decision to move out or work on our marriage, she chose the latter.

It's been three weeks since she last had contact with OM.Still confesses that she does not have the same feelings for me ("in love"), but I attribute to the fog? It has seem to be getting to be a warmer relationship. Is this about normal?

DIA,

Yes it is normal. She will go through withdrawal much like a drug addict and that can take a few months.

God Bless,

JL

So, I continue plan A, and just ignore the fact that we have no physical relationship. Does that just come with time, or do I bring that up later?

I can deal with it, just not sure what the process should be. We have come pretty far in 1-2 weeks, so I assume that another month or two could bring lots of changes.

You need to get her on board with recovery. Plan A time is over. You Plan A while the A is still on-going and if it is over, then it is time that you guys get working on recovery.

Has she sent a NC letter? Has she put in any EPs?

Can you get her on the phone with the coaching center?