My husband and I married within nine months of meeting. Within a year we both worked at the same high school and our marriage seemed to be growing, not without hard times, but all marriages have them. He began seeing a student and was caught and fired before more than a kiss was exchanged. I remained by my husband�s side due to my commitment to marriage and renewed trust in him that the behavior would stop. Two years later we had our first child and then a year and a half later I became pregnant with the second. While I was pregnant the second time my husband decided he was unhappy and wanted to leave. This was very much a sucker punch to me as I had no idea there was a problem. He stated that he was not in love with me and that I could do better than him. He also told me that he had been talking to a woman he knew through work who was married and her husband had told her the same things he was telling me. I begged him to go to one counseling session with me and then if he could not work on the marriage we would take action as needed. He did go with me and promptly returned home to pack. He went to stay with some friends for nine days and visited an old college friend before returning to me and his child. We went to counseling for three months (until the baby was born and the preacher felt we didn't need it) and he began to understand that marriage is something that we both must work on. This was in May of 2008, which is when our second daughter was born. Our marriage really grew from both of these experiences and I just knew he would never do this again. In July of 2009 I got yet another sucker punch to the gut when my husband told me he was unhappy, no longer in love with me and thinking about leaving. Now he tells me that he went on a date with and kissed the woman he knew from work back in the winter of 2008. Again, I begged and pleaded that he stay, offering counseling and anything else to show him leaving was not the way. On August 19 he told me he would be out in two weeks. I had prayed so hard for an answer, and although this answer was certainly not one I wanted, it was an answer. I felt a huge weight lifted all of my shoulders. We signed separation papers on Sept 4th. Throughout the year that followed my husband did try to come back without showing much change. While attempting to get me back he also was going after other women. (I also began seeing someone else; I feel I should be sure not to mislead you that I was waiting around on him.) I was watching him for change and a possible way to reunite our family, but did not see one. He was seeing a different woman from work that helped him pick out my birthday present the July before when he told me he was unhappy. My husband claims to have never had sex with any of these women. He has been on dating websites and has confronted a hostess of a restaurant. The hostess had a lawyer send him a letter stating that if he didn�t stop confronting her she would have a restraining order placed on him. Through all of this I struggle with my decision to make the divorce final. He has showed some change but still shows a lot of depression and lack of motivation to take responsibility for his actions and his family. The man that I began dating has asked me to marry him and has even found a nice home for us to live in. I hate that my children will grow up in a broken family and cannot stand when they leave me for the weekend. I know that God is in control and that only God gives the kind of peace that I felt when my husband decided to leave. When he tried to come back all of my weight returned. It�s so hard for me to understand why he can�t make a decision and stick to it. He wants me back but doesn�t want to put real effort in it. I know that the devil can make things look wonderful and I fight with myself daily to try and decide what is the devil and what is God. I can never be proud of the things that my ex-husband has done, but I have forgiven him every time, including this time. However, giving him another opportunity to do it seems like a bad decision. I need a lightening bolt to tell me that I�ve made the right decision. I am making myself crazy.

I think you've supplied your own lightening bolts. And not to sound mean, but you've made YOUR decision; now stick to it.

If you question my empathy or resolve, look at my timeline. I'm on OM#5...that I know of.

I hate that you're here, and I hate it for your kids. But, if you feel confident in your relationship and future with your almost-fiance, I say go for it. I can see how it brings up doubts. But remember, those were your XH's choices; not yours.

I appreciate your response and realize that my situation is full of reasons to stay away.

I'm sure you can understand the thought that "it will be different this time"

This is by far the hardest thing I will ever do.

I completely understand the thought of the hope. I've been through it a couple of time, and even now find myself thinking "why can she still not see it".

Watching someone you care about go through the consequences of thier actions just plain hurts sometimes. I have watched my STBXWW get used more than once, and the pain it puts her through; and have been referred to by her as the "best man she's had in her life" and the only one who hasn't just used her and walked away. Yet, she still would rather run the other direction. I will not allow myself to sum it all up as "some people just aren't compatible"; that's a cop out.

But, I've severly digressed. As for this being the hardest thing you'll ever do, I understand that as well. I would advise you to focus on your FUTURE. Your past has already been written. No need to re-live it, as will more than likely happen if you return to your XH.

On a lighter note, have you introduced your fiance[?](have you given him an answer?) to MB? This is a great concept to build a relationship on, and if nothing else, let him read Surviving An Affair so that he can understand what you've been through a little better.

I wish you luck, and hope to see you on the After Divorce forum...

There are days when I think my XH has changed and we manage to exchange a laugh or two. However, when he was making a decision about leaving it came down to getting into his 401K to buy furniture to leave or a 4 door JEEP Wrangler....obviously he chose to leave. Two days ago he said, "things would be so much different if I would have chosen the JEEP." It amazes me where my children and I stand in his life. I have no doubt he thought this comment was though provoking, I didn't. His selfishness continues to astonish me and I must stay mindful of this on his good days.

My fiance' was also cheated on and took his wife back and then of course she left again. We are healing together. He is a wonderful Christian man who I know will stand beside me through it all. I have told him yes, but we have not set a date, no rush. I have no doubt that God put this man in my life to show me what marriage is really suppose to be like.....a partnership, and both parties taking a part.
Thank you for your encouragement, it has helped me.

I'm glad you are not rushing to re-marry. Blended families are HARD. What steps are you taking to learn how to make your blended family work?

There is another risk I want you to think about. You say that you and your fiance are both still healing from the wounds from your first marriages. It is very common for people in that healing phase to have different needs than people in the healed phase. This is one of the reasons Dr. Harley urges people not to wait 1-2 years after a divorce is final to enter into a new relationship.

I know that you are right about the risks in a second marriage, both coming from cheaters. We talk very openly about not comparing one another to our ex spouses and we both have talked to our pastor about different things. His XW left him two years ago and my XH will be gone two years this summer. While I know you mean a realtionship at all, we have moved very slowly and realize we are both a work in progress.