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Originally Posted By: CupJOE
ok truth is out...and i will send an addition email to make sure she has all the truth as I do...But I dont even care anymore. I feel like nothing was accomplished and all i did was further hurt my marriage...I know it had to happen ...but it feels not good...I feel this is the end...oh and what i think feels really bad is...Now the other couple are going to stay together and my marriage is going to crash and burn....I dont feel good about anything right now...I am sitting here waiting for her to get home any minute now so we can talk...I thought after this was out in the open i would be ok....but Im not....im just not...


What happened? The truth is out to whom? What did you do?

What are you panicked about?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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i was panicked about losing my marriage...her exbest friend that she betrayed now knows the truth....i have seen my wife and she is sleeping now....im out of panic mode. I think my marriage has a chance...Wish me luck...I will keep posting my progress. Now that everything is out in the open I feel like I personally can move on....I think it has made my wife take responsiblity for what she has done ...and i know for a fact she is going thru a lot of pain from it...Some of us need life to smack you right in the face in order to become better people....or even to become the better person you want to be...life is what u make of it...

Married 5 years now...

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Originally Posted By: CupJOE
i was panicked about losing my marriage...her exbest friend that she betrayed now knows the truth....


And how do you know this? What does the OM's wife know EXACTLY? You need to pick up the phone and find out what she does know and make sure she knows all the truth.

Quote:
and i know for a fact she is going thru a lot of pain from it...


Her pain was self inflicted. The only pain that is relevant here is the pain of your wife's VICTIMS. Your wife has done a horrendously, cruel, selfish thing to this woman, so your sympathy is VERY INAPPROPRIATE.

I think your sympathy is very destructive to your marriage. Your wife has done a horrible thing that does not warrant sympathy. Instead of giving her inappropriate sympathy, I would focus on HOLDING HER ACCOUNTABLE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Her pain was self inflicted. The only pain that is relevant here is the pain of your wife's VICTIMS. Your wife has done a horrendously, cruel, selfish thing to this woman, so your sympathy is VERY INAPPROPRIATE.

I think your sympathy is very destructive to your marriage. Your wife has done a horrible thing that does not warrant sympathy. Instead of giving her inappropriate sympathy, I would focus on HOLDING HER ACCOUNTABLE. [/quote]

I do understand what you are saying...Im still not 100% on this marriage accually working. I can't help but hold myself part to blame...I have my fair share of lies in this marriage....this is a wake up call for both of us to reintroduce trust and honesty back into our marriage. I now what my wife did was terrible...good chance this still ends in more heart break...But trust me. This all is far from over and my wife understands how much pain she has created due to her selfishness....major character issues in question here....but i feel she is truly remorsed...and she did destroy and lose her best friend....and greatly hurt her husband and marriage at the same time...she is going thru a lot of pain.

And accually from the beggining she has taken resposiblity for this...and i have been surprised how LITTLE she blames me...She has taken responsibilty. Im just tring to find the ways to move on woth our life....if there is enough foundation left to make it work.

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FTR i have not shown the VERY INAPPROPRIATE sympathy directly to my wife....I am only telling you guys how I feel...I know Im supposed to be really hurt and betrayed...but all I really care about is having a happy life moving forward... Hopefully this all can bring us closer than we ever have been before...And i see this as very possible....but I dont know anything for sure these days...

So yes im expressing some sympathy cause i have forgiven my wife... are you saying its to early to forgive my wife and try and show her some support??? Each day my feeling change latley so maybe when I wake up in the morning I feel different...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/18/11 11:39 PM.
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Originally Posted By: CupJOE

So yes im expressing some sympathy cause i have forgiven my wife... are you saying its to early to forgive my wife and try and show her some support???


Absolutely! It is very inappropriate at this point. I agree you should support her in doing the right thing, but offering up forgiveness so easily only cheapens it. Your forgiveness should be earned. The process of EARNING your forgiveness is what will heal your marriage.

How is your wife's victim, the OM's wife? Have you spoken to her to find out if she has the truth? Is she ok? She has just been dealt a terrible blow. Her life will never be the same and I am concerned for HER.

on the subject of "forgiveness" :

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal."

continued here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Joe,

You need to talk to OMW. You and she need to compare notes about the A.

OMW and you can keep an eye on the WW and OM. They are likely to resume contact if there is trouble in either marriage.

I have read hundreds of stories on these forums. Being able to trust and verify is critical to avoiding future marital trauma. You need Extraordinary Precautions (EP's) to be able to trust and help from the OMW to verify.

Last edited by Cypress; 05/18/11 11:52 PM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Originally Posted By: CupJOE

So yes im expressing some sympathy cause i have forgiven my wife...


But sympathy for WHAT, though? There is nothing to be sympathetic about. Your wife has harmed you and the OMW, so sympathy for your W would be inappropriate. Sympathy for her victims would be appropriate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. until you speak to the OMW yourself, you don't know IF your W even told her or WHAT she told her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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not even sure how i feel this morning....don't really want to even talk bout it...catch you guys later frown

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Joe,

You need to deal with the A, or you you will spend your life waiting for the resumption of the A, or a new one to start.


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Joe, I hope you have not left ~ you still need MB if you want to R your M.

Originally Posted By: CupJOE
she has said over and over again IT WAS JUST AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY....and as soon it was found out it totally died and she relized how stupid and dumb it was to get involved into the affair...it lasted about a month before i found EVERYTHING... I know my wife loves me...but sometimes love is not enough...


This screamed out at me because it is NOT true and it concerns me that if your W has you believing this, that you are going to be set up for the affair continuing.

Your W and OM met each other's ENs (probably starting with conversation, then affection, etc) and it reached the romantic threshold and the feelings of "being in love". These are VERY powerful feelings and they do NOT just go away overnight the way that she tried to tell you they did.

She will have to go through a rough w/d after NC has been in place and she will be very tempted to see him and many times the affair goes further underground.

Keep your guard up and watch her like a hawk! Don't trust what she is saying, instead watch her actions and verify verify verify NC. Spend as much time with her as possible.

Oh and as far as feeling sorry for her ~ waywards very much play up the victim "woe is me" card and start talking about everything from bad things that happened in their life to rewriting the marital history in order to garner sympathy when really they are just trying to distract you from focusing on their present bad behavior ~ the affair. Don't play into her victim mentality. This is called being in the fog. You want to help bring her out of it, not enable and prolong it.

Please keep posting!

ps ~ please CALL (do not email) OMW. Direct her here to this site and you two need to be each other's allies in watching your WW and OM to ensure NC. Please do NOT skip this step.

Last edited by SusieQ; 05/19/11 10:55 AM.

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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Joe, I hope you have not left ~ you still need MB if you want to R your M.

[quote=CupJOE]she has said over and over again IT WAS JUST AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY....and as soon it was found out it totally died and she relized how stupid and dumb it was to get involved into the affair...it lasted about a month before i found EVERYTHING... I know my wife loves me...but sometimes love is not enough...


Im still here...Im really starting to think Im better off running from this marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me and I believe the afair is 100% over....BUT i still have trusting issues....i have been going thru our phone bills and just a wreck. I just keep thinking for her to do something at such a trbl level she must have done this before....I have not been able to verify ANY other infidelity....I even tried bluffing her to admit any other infidelity...so im just going crazy.
Now after I poor my heart out and she dose the same....she says she still is not 100% sure we can move on from this...This hurt me and changed me ....so now I wake up this morning and did a complete 180....now i am ready to end my marriage and move on with my life. I am getting very close to throwing in the towel....Love is just not enough. I have always been great at running in the past...BUT this is my wife...but sadly I think the betrayal is just to great to overcome. This is consuming me and I have to get out while I can... We have no kids....no reason why not to just move on and dont build a house and a cracked foundation. This super love and attraction I feel for her is just a primal protection mechanism. YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH....But I starting to lean towards ending this pain.

32 Husband...
5 years married...

Last edited by CupJOE; 05/19/11 09:12 PM.
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Joe - It's ok to be feeling this pain. You have been deeply hurt. It is ok to want to end this marriage. Not every marriage is recoverable, not every person can overcome the pain and loss of trust. It's ok if you can't.

However, I would caution you from making a decision based on the pain that you are feeling right now, in the depth of your emotions. Give it time. Do you keep a journal? If not it may be useful to keep a log of your thoughts and feelings each day to see where it is your head is at over the long term.

Take some time, process your feelings, evaluate where you are and if after some time you feel consistently that this is not something you want to do (recovery) THEN begin the process of leaving.

In the mean time, work on what you can, but make sure you take time for your own personal health. Schedule time each day to focus on yourself. Exercise, eat, unwind with something relaxing.

You're riding a rollercoaster right now. The swings will get easier - but you don't have to decide right now what it is you want. You can take a little time - and if your wife isn't ok with that... well you got your answer.


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Originally Posted By: Vibrissa
Joe - It's ok to be feeling this pain. You have been deeply hurt. It is ok to want to end this marriage. Not every marriage is recoverable, not every person can overcome the pain and loss of trust. It's ok if you can't.

However, I would caution you from making a decision based on the pain that you are feeling right now, in the depth of your emotions. Give it time. Do you keep a journal? If not it may be useful to keep a log of your thoughts and feelings each day to see where it is your head is at over the long term.

Take some time, process your feelings, evaluate where you are and if after some time you feel consistently that this is not something you want to do (recovery) THEN begin the process of leaving.

In the mean time, work on what you can, but make sure you take time for your own personal health. Schedule time each day to focus on yourself. Exercise, eat, unwind with something relaxing.

You're riding a rollercoaster right now. The swings will get easier - but you don't have to decide right now what it is you want. You can take a little time - and if your wife isn't ok with that... well you got your answer.
I am having many second thoughts back to saving my marriage again....what a ride i am on....if i dont post for a few hours then i might do a full 360...LOL

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You can make a decision not to make a decision within 3 months. It is actually suggested to wait so long after discovering infidelity.


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Joe, have you done any other exposure? Stay or go, exposure is critical. If you do move forward, lack of exposure and "keeping a secret" from close friends and family will erode you with resentment.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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The best advice is to wait. You can always end the marriage and it will always be justified. You just don't have to do it right now.

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Cup o Joe
You are all over the place! Put down the coffee!
What you are going through now is normal, this discovery is so new-- you do not even have the perspective know what you want.

As far as an A goes...
You are one of the lucky ones, you found this site, MB, EARLY. it will help you, It can keep you from making HUGE mistakes...if you let it


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Originally Posted By: barbiecat

You are one of the lucky ones, you found this site, MB, EARLY. it will help you, It can keep you from making HUGE mistakes...if you let it


Do not make any rash decisions based upon your emotion of the minute. It is normal to want to save the marriage one minute and then to suddenly want to walk the next minute.

barbiecat is so right. You are lucky to have found MB early. There are many good people here who can help you get through this. Stay strong.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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