In the light of recent activity in the news concerning two very well-known wayward husbands, I'd like to expand on why sometimes affairs can happen in even good marriages.

I had a good marriage. Sure did. Nothing made sense. He had a brand new gorgeous home we'd just built, I am not a sloucher, beautiful little boy, and a growing company. Two affairs (almost simultaneously) brought him to his knees and the affairage he had, well during that brief downward spiral, cost him EVERYTHING.

So why do they do it? Why do imho alot of men (and some ww's too) do the affair at all? Why if they have it good at home?

The answer lies in the three words in the title of this post. Entitlements, Boundaries, and Opportunity.

Entitlement. Let's tackle this one first shall we? At some point, everybody possibly feels like "well, I work hard, provide well for my family, and do a pretty da*n good job at this that or another. I deserve to have some personal time/happiness/vacation or you fill in this blank." When this emotion hits, I call that a feeling of being entitled to something by virtue of YOU saying YOU deserve it. Unilaterally you declare yourself queen or king and decide that somehow, YOUR NEEDS just aren't being met at all. And that the world should bow to them. Alot of ws' imho, experience this, and when combined with the other two marital evils, then an affair is the product.

Next is boundaries. Having good boundaries is important in almost all relationships we have. But having good ones with the opposite sex is very important in society today. For example, a very outgoing personality in a guy who goes out after work to have a few beers with his coworkers or budiies doesn't sound bad. It's not that bad in reality. But what if he tells a really funny joke to a single woman at the bar who laughs and laughs and suddenly finds him attractive? Is it so innocent then?

Same thing happens at watercoolers around the world. Somehwere, some woman is laughing and filling the emotional need of admiration of a married guy, NOT married to the woman laughing at him. Somewhere, maybe about 15 years ago, there might have been a housekeeper who showered praise, laughed at every joke, or maybe leaned over a little to far to dust a table when Ah-nold was around. You get it. Hanging out with the opposite sex other than your w or h too much OPENS YOU UP TO having bad boundaries.

Sooner or later we will get to the third and most vile of these characteristics of affairs. The Opportunity. If there's been a feeling of entitlement, which is accompanied by having a poor boundary especially proximity, to the opposite sex, then at some point, somehow, there will be AN OPPORTUNITY for them to be alone. And they have to act on it.

Whether it's having an innocent cup of coffee together i the cafeteria, or meeting up after work at a bar or home of the "friend of the opposite sex" (remember, they're "just friends right?"), at SOME point, the opportunity will arise where the physical boundary is crossed.

Don't beat yourself up BS. Do not. Odds are if you had a good marriage before the affair, you can have an EVEN BETTER one (thanks to MB) AFTER the stoopid affair is over. Odds are, your ws' affair is based imho, on the unholy perfect storm of these 3 characteristics colliding. Entitlement feelings mixed with poor boundaries which equals opportunity.

I know we're all not perfect spouses by far, but don't listen to the drivel and revisionist history spewed by a wayward to you when they try to blame you for THEIR affair and flaw or cut you to your soul by spouting out all-out revisionist history lies (i.e., "I never loved you." "We never have any fun".)

Most likely they fell victim to the unholy trinity of entitlement + poor boundaries which would = affair opportunity.

Your job here on the board now is to BUST THAT AFFAIR UP. Do what the MB program SAYS to do. It's a win/win situation. Either your marriage heals like most here, or else you personally heal and do as I do and enter an even better marriage healed at some later point in life.

But quit beating yourself up. Unless you're a wayward, that is.

peachy great post. How do you know my XH

In my case there was one additional factor..alcohol.

He was a good guy and now he is a pile of poo

Thanks for posting this peachy! I will 'fess up to still beating myself up over this situation. I'm a perfectionist, so I think that there's always someting I could've done differently; actually, I KNOW what I should NOT have done. Unfortunately it cannot be undone; it just needs to be dealt with and I've been doing that for over two years. However, I did expect my spouse to be in my corner and not use it as an excuse to stray or continually beat me up over it.

thank you!!

I'm going to bounce off of the lunasphere and add; status = opportunity.

If you were to boil "why do people cheat" in to a simple phrase, it would be; because they can.

Why do politicians, corporate types, and celebrities cheat? Because they can.

The simple state of their status means that they are constantly propositioned by people who want a piece of their status.

This is also why people commonly "affair down." Those who would pursue them in an adulterous relationship have more to gain from invading the status of the adulterer, than the adulterer stands to gain from affair partner. In fact, the adulterer stands only to lose.

Handsome and/or successful men will be pursued by "gold diggers" and beautiful and/or successful women will be pursued by philanderers.

It's all the more reason to feel shamed and pathetic for falling into the web of adultery.

Thanks for these words, peachy. I know this to be logically true because I KNOW my husband and I had an excellent marriage before and after his A (bad boundaries, though, on both our parts), but all the recent commentary about the terribly foolish women "standing by their men" is gnawing at me.

I just have to tune them out.

Very good points, HHH.

This post should go into Memorable posts.

Excellent points.

I <3 Peachy.

Yup I heard lots of entitlement things said in 2010. It was sort of a 'new' thing for him.... things I hadn't really seen in him before.