My wife of 15 years has been in an affair for the last 7 with a very close family friend. It came out on Mother's Day last week. As everyone thinks their affair story is unique, Im not going to say my situation is brand new. We met him and his wife about 10 years ago and right away my wife and he had a very cozy, close relationship. They had similar interests such as shopping, drinking wine, and other things I always chalked up to him being very feminine in nature. Which led me to believe he was a harmless, latent homesexual and no challenge to my marriage. I was wrong.

After our 2nd child, my wife went from part time job to part time job and eventually he offered her a part time job to help him in his office. His business was booming and actually he really didnt need any help. It was a business that ran on its own and in retrospect she did nothing but, well, him. Although she went willingly, it was a way for him to get her close and to make his moves. After 3-4 years of working alone in a small office, he and his wife decided for some reason to go thru surrogacy to have their first child at 40 years old. After the baby was born, my wife moved from doing nothing in his office to accepting a nanny job in his house as his wife continued to work after the baby came. So, there you have it. Is there anyone dumber than I? I let 2 attractive people with a palpable attraction to each, with similar interests, with his deep pockets, nice car, and clothes spend the hours of 10am-2pm together for 7 years. As much as my psychologist tells me and my amateur psychologists tell me (my wife�s friend and husband who are amazing and completely impartial and maybe saved me from doing harm to myself) STOP TAKING THE BLAME.

Another interesting tidbit was he and his wife literally spent 2 or 3 Sundays a month having dinner in my house over this whole period. Among the dozens of issues Im confronting is this deception she managed all these years. I told her the other day if she and he came to me after 6 months or 1 year and said we are couple, we love each other, we want to be together, it would have been sad and made me angry, but it would have spared today�s anxiety and general malaise Im under. It would have saved my kids from been screwed up by the revelation.

My sexual relationship with my wife over the past 7 years can best be described as a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being completely satisfying. I have thought about walking out on more than one occasion for this one issue. I chalked it up to her not being sexual in nature and we would grow this aspect of our life. I do not believe she turned into a porn star with this guy. Why is the nature of the sex they had something I need details about? Is it important if certain, particular things were done? Suffice to say, they got naked, they kissed, and did what people do. I cant shake the fact she did this while I complained heavily of the lack of our physical ness.

We are now almost 2 weeks into recovery. Ive taken the advice to think of me first. I got myself my first complete checkup in 10 years. Im seeing a psychologist to get me through some of the issues above. My children are in therapy as well.

My wife has been incredible. I can only imagine the pressure on her. We have been very close and not just in bed. We speak a lot more than we have in the recent past. She is in therapy and I think is in better shape than I am. Her story and I truly have accepted it as truth is this: we were in financial bad shape after a number of years of me not earning what I once did. She was attracted to this guy who had lots of nice things and he took care of her with money and the attention I didn�t give enough of. I think after one his nice lunches he bought her, he made the move and she said �what the hell?, just once and no one will know�. Once turned into�who knows how many? It became a routine. It became just something they did every so often and since they were in my home each week for Sunday dinner and I was none the wiser, why screw up something good? The best way I can describe is they were Best Friends with Benefits. And she agrees this is the best way to think of it. Towards the latter 4 years, my wife�s attitude toward our usual Sunday dinner changed, she no longer really wanted them there except my kids really loved them coming especially when they had their baby. She explains the routine and the fact he dangled a few hundred bucks over her head for sexual favors made her do things, in hindsight, she finds unbelievable. Her words: she prostituted herself to him.

Now, Im stuck holding the bag of her affair. Im stuck reconciling how she sat next me at our dinner table while during that afternoon she was on her back laying with another guy. Im stuck figuring how to trust a woman capable of such a lie. Im stuck trying to convince myself that my children�s well being is worth me eating [censored] for the foreseeable future. I cannot trust her to be a good mom 100% of the time.

Yes, we changed our phone numbers and cut all contact in every manner with them. My kids will eventually get over not seeing that baby who they adored. As probably predictable, my wife is trying to crunch 7 years of a dismal sex life with me into a monumental stretch of love making in the last weeks. She takes my fury when I go through my bad thoughts. She knows how much she hurt me. She wants me to stay.

Have you told OMW everything? If your WW says she told OMW, or WW says the OM told OMW everything, it's probably a lie. If you haven't told OMW everything you need to do so she can have the truth about her life.

How old are your children? Are they young enough that they might not be yours?

Have you and your WW gotten STD testing?

Are you able to counsel with the Harleys?

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

I have learned with my experience on this thread and reading Surviving an Affair, you are going to need to take extreme precautions in order to begin building trust.

Your wife will need to follow strict boundaries set by you in order for you to start feeling safe.

My first suggestion is to sit down and make a list of you will need your wife to do in order for you to begin feeling safe.

Second, read SAA as soon as possible. It will help you organize a plan of action that will need to be implemented immediately.

The vets will be here soon to give you their great advice. You need to prepare yourself for everything.

Cheers Tough~

Welcome, Mike. I'm sorry you had to find us under these circumstances.

Have you exposed this affair to OM's wife?

MikeSmile,

Your story touches me because I have been there myself. I DID find out after 1 year and I can tell you that it ripped me to the core. The fact that they were "capable" of the lie (regardless of the time period) is what is killing you. I think it just gets easier to carry on the lies over time.

The issue with the 7 years is how strong is the emotional bond and can she break it?

Keep reading and posting here. It is too early to make any decisions just yet.

That could be my story too, it's a double whammy isn't it, you loose a friend as well, in fact a raft of friends.

Hang on in there, decide not to make any decisions for 3 months, breathe in and out as necessary.

Lots of how and why questions and most don't have any good answers. Not to mention how dare my WH give the skank any of our money, but that was and this is.

(((((Mike))))

Mike,

Is there anyone dumber than I? I let 2 attractive people with a palpable attraction to each

That is not dumb that is called TRUST and it is not a mistake on your part, but a virtue of yours. That your W and this OM abused that trust is contemptible.

I did a similar thing with OM2, whos GF thought OM2 and W were a pair, But I had it on OM2s authority that his GF was stupid! Many other people here had it going on just under their nose as well.

W, OM2 and I went out together, and my W had a regular lunches with him. After I found out about the affair I allowed them to continue to work together.

One element at work I think is that my W wanted to legitimize the A by making us an open threesome, just without the openness.

From your description of this guy he sounds like a sexually adventurerous person who may be dabbling in many different ways, please get yourself tested for STDs. You may need DNA testing for your children.

God Bless

Gamma

As a BH I know the Anger and am personally familiar with many of you and your WWs issues.
Protect your self with her having stellar EPs in place. Follow SAA to the letter. Make sure she's on board with MB plan and dont let resentment ruin an otherwise great Recovery. If she will abide by POJA, PORH and you both work to meet each others top EN,s> Then in time you will become a stronger family for it.
It sounds as if she is trying and that you do love her. Lay down the plan and follow it.
Her EP's and your expectations should be no less than her not being friends with anyone of the Op-Sex other than you ever again. Open and honesty is a love buster and a need that Im sure ranks up there right now as one of the tops. The only thing thats going to heal you is her heavy lifting. But quit the wrath thing as you will drive her away with it. Angry Outbursts wont help if your having them?
It a tough road and M takes plans and rules. Dr H lays it all out for you.

What specific question are you interested in having answered?

How did you find out about the affair?

How are you ensuring that she is having absolutely zero contact with OM? After a 7 year affair it would be very rare to expect she's really cut out complete contact with him since D day. Are you checking her phone and her whereabouts?

You say you're all in therapy, but are you and your wife planning to apply MB principles toward your healing and recovery?

Thanks all. Im new and many of these terms (OM, MB, EA, etc.) are unknown to me. But Im getting the gist.

I am 100% sure she is not in contact with the other guy. She didnt have that big of interest in being with him when they were together from what it sounds like. As I see it and said it above, this was a relationship of convenience for both. She was able to earn a few bucks and he got his jollies for cheap. Yes, this make my wife a prostitute, a fact she admitted and is going to be forever trying to live with.

Can someone tell me why knowing explicit details of encounters is important to me? I know there was oral on him and intercourse, but what else? Im not sure this is the proper forum for where my line of concern is going, but I want the dirty details. I want to know how easy she made it for him. I want to know how often there was oral and/or intercourse.

I have to live the rest of my life knowing that she gave her body to another man. OK. I get it. But there is this mystery about the nature of the sex that stills gets me. She finds the whole experience degrading and extremely upsetting so when I ask, I get silence. So, in effort to keep recovery going I stop the line of questioning.

Someone asked how I found out: Perhaps classic, mostly pathetic. On Mother's Day, his wife called my house looking for me frantically. I had my mother, grandmother, and brothers over. My daughter answered the phone put me on another phone and didnt hang up. So, that day, my daughter and I learned that her husband has 15 videos of my wife giving him a blowjob on his cell phone. (He did this completely without my wife knowing, this is confirmed. And, he had another dozen videos of a different girl blowing him.)

So, this is the cross I bear.

The reasons you want sexual details is because you want to know how far she went for him as a guy I know why or at least to me.
It's all down to if she was willing to do so and so acts for him but not for me before the affair or even now when she's trying to overly please me until she thinks I have "gotten over it" then how can I know she is mine again? You feel the need to match the sexual acts she allowed him to do if that makes sense one up it even.

To anyone that doesn't understand my reply. Regardless of the whole "well he was offering large amounts of money BS" Imagine your wife refused to have anal with you and specifically said she found it dirty. You'd respect it right.

Then some months/yrs later she has an affair one of the "acts" they do is anal. As a guy despite the most obvious betrayal of cheating I'd feel horribly knowing she was willing at the drop of a hat to do that with him.
Something I had been denied even if influenced it would show in our relationship even before she looked elsewhere she was not willing to do that with me but with this guys... while I was her husband.

(Another example for others to understand would be having a gf that does not want to get married says she doesn't believe in it. You break up some time after.. she meets a new guy and after 1-2yrs They are apparently getting married.

The pain is not that you both broke up but that you basically were not good enough not prime/alpha enough and she knew it from day 1 but tried to make things work.)

Is that what bothers you? Personally if you ask me she withheld sex from you while with this other guy in most tales I read the wife/gf would still have sex with the husband/bf if she gave a damn this has been a common thing said by cheating women.
The ones more heavily invested in the other man withheld sex from their partners because they felt their bodies belonged to the other man.

From what you mentioned .. I think the only reason why she's sucking up not is so she doesn't lose everything. She is the worst kind of snake if you ask me and she will F up again.

I bet after 2-3 months the sex will drop again after she thinks things are fine. I know some people will disagree but if she truly is wanting you now she is going to let you do ANYTHING in the bedroom (within safety limits) it's what she should do tactically. If she's still withholding then you know what to do.


All in all though if this was me.... 7 yrs.... I'd divorce. Your children will understand and you need to find a new woman, be wary of ANY male in the future we're dogs you know this.

Don't know where you've bobbed up from ObserverX but your comment that "we're dogs" is highly offensive and insulting. I don''t know where you hang out to form such opinions but they don't relate to the decent and intelligent men on this site.

I wrote a post yesterday that was laden with anger and hate but for the Grace of God, it didn�t go through.

I have this image of the OM sitting in your home with a sense of entitlement knowing that he is copulating with both adult women. I can�t get this image out of my head so therefore I can�t imagine what torment you are going through yourself.

The rage I feel for your situation would drive me to disfigure him permanently but I am reminded that this situation required TWO, not just one.

But that�s my problem not yours. You seem adult and rational over this whole betrayal and all I can do is sit back here on my computer in awe of your inner strengths.

I apologize for my rant on your thread.
God Bless You

mike

I am somewhat new here so all i can offer you is small tidbits. I agree with you feelings of "Can someone tell me why knowing explicit details of encounters is important to me? " i found out the details, which right now is not making me feel better and triggering me more. you may not be to that step yet.

i did have a lot of false starts (i learned about many A that my H had) to the program, and now i am at the begining again sort of. but after the 2nd group of lies, we began working hard on the program together. writing down our need and discussing them. it works, when you meet your wifes needs she will respond, when she meets your you will, its so simple. she need to make you feel protected and safe, hard for a man.

did you get the book SAA, i suggest you get the book SAA, or start by reading the material here. give them to your wife. you both have to be committed you cant do it alone.

your road may get bumpier and there may me more to tell on her part, but its part of the process. I think you need to work on meeting each others needs, the street goes 2 ways. i can say the pain does lessen each day, not saying it goes away.

vent here, not to your wife. Listen to the VETS here they get it. there are also many men here that are in similar situations that are probably the most dedicated caring people i have seen.

sorry you got some interesting thoughts earlier, dont disappear.

I can assure you Im no DOG, speak for yourself THEOBX. Which you are obviously doing.
Your comments show pain and resentment. Your children would understand? OK whatever. Go back to a skank board and dwell with the Dogs. My children dont understand. All they know is that they love there parents and they rely on US. You have a renters mentality, so go rent.

Mike, if you can stay M'd to a WW that took the betrayal to that level, then you're a much better man than I am. Hopefully, once you get over the "damage control" phase (it sounds like you might be still it, but nearing the end), the resentment doesn't eat you alive.

My WH's betrayel of me would be up for competition of the stuff you are dealing with.

The revelation of the infidelity is still so new to you.

Fair warning, my fellow betrayed one:

You should be suspicious that it has gone way further underground despite the making up for lost time sex. She might be very well doing that cause

1. you know about the infidelity and its a weight off her -guilt ridden that you were oblivious that she was betraying you- back
2. she is trying to give it to you to throw you off her trail

Just saying.

This is going to be a way longer drawn out haul than you think. Your love and loyalty to her will be challenged in the years ahead.

Long time betrayel is yet another nuance of deep brain warping on a waywards part.

Look, I hold all the cards right now and for all long I want them. I have only 2 things I care about at this moment: my 2 kids. Me leaving would not do them any good and Im not going to [censored] them up more than their mother did. She knows she hurt them, me, and will spend her days making amends.

Truth is, I got 9 short years until Jr is off to college, then Im free to stay, go, divorce, what ever. Thats a commitment to our kids I made, she dropped the ball, and needs to get herself together.

Ive been asking and she gave some basic percentages of a certain sex act to another and it didnt make me happy or mad. Just really helped me close little pockets of things I want to know. She was really uncomfortable telling me and I had to tell her it going to help me move forward.

So, Im enjoying a new found partner in my wife of 15 yrs. I know its just 2 weeks from finding out, I still will have ups and downs, I will send her some of the most aweful texts, and demand things in bed Id never dare before. Ive proposed things and nothing is met with a no. Im going to ride this train while is here because I, as the man and the betrayed, can leave any time I want.

This may be going in a different direction but she more or less introduced a third party to out bedroom. So I asked her to get someone for me.

Someone said it above: its about equalling it out. Making it even.

I cant hurt my kids by leaving them (with her alone). My ego doesnt exist basically. I dont know.

The types of things I suggested Id like to do were met with OK every time. So, the inner battle I have is that this woman who now is the sexual workhouse I dreamed of and willing and ready to satisfy my wildest ideas, am I taking advantage of a broken woman? Should I care? Do I show respect because some of what I proposing may be construed by some as degrading?

I answer with questions: Did she give one damn about me at any point when she was with him? Did she keep me incredibly lonely for longs periods of time? Did she disrespect our home for years?

Some cynical guy above says I have to watch out for her and I will, but this was a union of 2 brought together under some of the most unique circumstances. Really it was like me and his wife almost pushed them together. Stupid. Really. So, she doenst go to bars and clubs, she reported to an office where he was. Bingo bango. I obviously will be a skosh smarter and less trustful of her but the sheer embarassmnet she is living with makes her going back to him or anyone else very remote. Shes not a serial adulterer, this is her 3rd sex partner, not a seasoned pro in the sack. But I will be weary.

I do love her, just mad as hell at her.