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GloveOil... stay off this thread if I'm wasting your time. I AM SERIOUS about saving my M. EP's were put into place.
That said, I'm new and looking for direction. I've read literally thousands of posts on here and have been helped throughout this painful experience. Hey grace, I haven't posted to you before but just a word of advice...GO has posted some valuable advice to me, so please don't be too hasty in running him off. He's been in our shoes, as a FWS, and if you read his and his W's posts, you'll see they have a recovered M. Speaking as someone who was a WW myself, sometimes I think you get more knocks from FWS's on this board because we absolutely know what idiotic things we have done - and still do - to screw up, and are trying to keep others from making the same mistakes. Once you send the letter, eliminate all avenues of contact. I deleted my FB account and blocked OM's address on my email (H also has the password to my email). I'm one who did not change phone numbers - I admit that I probably should have done that, but H has passwords to voice mail and can access the cell phone records. Changing the # now kinda seems like a moot point as H and I are separated, but anyway...He also has access to work voice mail (OM had called me at work). I turned in a work cell phone I had, which H couldn't access the records from, and my work email fortunately changed due to a system change. Even though my H has moved out, I don't care if he checks on me, and if there were any other conditions he wanted me to meet before he committed to reconciling, I'd meet them in a heartbeat.
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Ok, this is why I should not be allowed to post after midnight!! I posted an exposure letter not a NC letter... Thanks for posting the right one!
CV  Dat's ok, we knew your heart was in the right place!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks to all of you! CV, I understand the late nites... and I understood what you meant in your letter : )
I have asked my H to read SAA with me. He said he's overwhelmed with LB book and HNHN. He wants to finish those first. We still have to go through the workbook too. I'm happy that he's willing to read anything and that he's open to letting me earn his trust back again. But I agree, he needs to read SAA. It's critical.
MelodyLane, I hear you about the cell phone. Not sure if you know, but I did put EP's into place... changing my cell, changing email address and eliminating common friendships. It looks like I'm going to have to change my cell again. This latest contact was a voicemail. I saved it and offered my phone up for my H to listen to the message. He didn't want to hear it and just asked me to delete it. I suggested that maybe he contact OM, since he didn't want me to. He doesn't want to do that either.
My H and I have gone to traditional marriage counseling. Part of our problem was communicating openly and honestly with each other, and I see that we still struggle with that. My H doesn't want to communicate about this affair. He wants it to go away so we can just focus on our family (we have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7). I want this all to go away as well, but more importantly, I NEVER, EVER, EVER want to go through this again... I let this happen. I allowed myself to derail. I never want to experience this again, and I never again want to be the cause of such pain.
Today, I'm tempted to just send the NC letter on my own, but that would be against H's wishes. I have to wait until he agrees, and I'll have him read the chapter on "How A's should end". I hope that works.
Thanks to all of you!
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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MelodyLane, you are so right.... my marriage is a crippled version of my pre-affair marriage. We do need a plan, and it's so hard because there are so many books... we have SAA, LB, HNHN, workbook that goes with those, Fall in Love, Stay in Love. It's so overwhelming.
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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Thanks, WPG... I did get defensive with GloveOil.. Sorry, GO, if you come back here. I do now remember your story, and you have been very helpful to others in posts..
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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It doesn't matter if you have to change your numbers 100 times...if that's what you have to do, then that's what you have to do. You also have the option of filing a RO or harrassment charges.
Are you and your H spending at least 15-20 hrs a week UA time together meeting the four intimate ENs of SF, conversation, affection and RC? You NEED this time to fall back in love...
The most important thing you can do is cutting all contact, whatever it takes, and the second is the UA time.
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OK.. I'm getting somewhere!!! My H has decided that the NC letter is the thing to do. However, he is wondering if HE should be the one to write and send it instead of me. What do you guys think?
Secondly, I'm changing my cell # for the second time.
UA... we have slacked b/c of our work schedules, reading the books and business with our kids. However, we are going away as a family for 10 days soon.. a much needed camping vacation. This will be so helpful to our M.
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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Maybe he should include that any further attempts of contact will followed by a call to the police for an RO. I think that might work better than a NC letter at this point.
The UA time shouldn't be sacrificed for the books. Schedule the UA time as the first priority. Work on getting babysitters lined up so that there will be NO excuse not to get your UA time in every week.
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Do the letter together. Send it together
Me DH 39 WW 45 EA/PA LTR DD2 6 yrs old Divorced 2000
Cypress I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Might be a silly question.... do my H and I both sign the letter if we both write it?
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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If you both sign, the OM may think you were coerced into writing it. You should be the one to sign it.
Some posters may not agree with this. But, if your hubby is up for it, he can call the POSOM and tell him about an RO for stalking and harassment. And hubby call the POSOM a worthless excuse of a man for having an affair with a married woman.
Last edited by Cypress; 05/19/11 11:37 AM.
Me DH 39 WW 45 EA/PA LTR DD2 6 yrs old Divorced 2000
Cypress I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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OK.. I'm getting somewhere!!! My H has decided that the NC letter is the thing to do. However, he is wondering if HE should be the one to write and send it instead of me. What do you guys think? grace, The NC letter MUST be in your "voice". It must be addressed from you to OM. Please follow Dr Harley's advice as strictly as possible. Use the letter from SaA. Dr Harley has used that letter on hundreds of clients and he has found the one that best says what needs to be said. If you add extra points that defend your H, the letter will begin sound as if he had a hand in it and will lack credibility with OM. If it is to be handwritten - and I think it should be - then it you must write it, not your H. You must also address the envelope, but let your H seal and post the envelope when he is sure that there are no secret messages contained within it. If it is to be emailed, let your H press "send".
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Might be a silly question.... do my H and I both sign the letter if we both write it? Your H MUST NOT be seen to have had any input or influence over this letter.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Just to clarify that ITA with following the directions in SAA to the letter with regards to the NCL. The thing that makes me pause if the BH doesn't want the WW to have any contact, even for the NCL, then I don't know that she should continue to push the issue.
I worry that he will think she wants contact, etc.
Would your H consider posting here, grace?
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I plan to have my H read the chapter about ending affairs in SAA tonight. I think he might be OK with me sending the NC letter after reading.
My H is not comfortable posting here, but he knows that I do.
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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UA... we have slacked b/c of our work schedules, reading the books and business with our kids. Grace, please get in the habit of putting these less important things aside in favor of your UA time. This is the KEY to recovery of your marriage. You won't EVER have a romantic relationship with your H if you skip this step. This is the FOUNDATION of recovery from an affair. Your business should be put aside and your kids can go to babysitters. But there is NOTHING in your life that is as important as your UA time. All of those other things should be put off. However, we are going away as a family for 10 days soon.. a much needed camping vacation. This will be so helpful to our M. That is too bad. I am glad you are getting to be with your family but that doesn't help your marriage much. What are you doing to seriously schedule UA time? The Policy of Undivided Attention Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other
How much time do you need to sustain the feeling of love for each other? Believe it or not, there really is an answer to this question, and it depends on the health of a marriage. If a couple is deeply in love with each other and find that their marital needs are being met, I have found that about fifteen hours each week of undivided attention is usually enough to sustain their love. When a marriage is this healthy, either it's a new marriage or the couple has already been spending that amount of time with each other throughout their marriage. Without fifteen hours of undivided attention each week, a couple simply can't do what it takes to sustain their feeling of love for each other.
When I apply the fifteen-hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, two to three hours each day. When time must be bunched up -- all hours only on the weekend -- good results are not as predictable. Spouses need to be emotionally reconnected almost on a daily basis to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
The reason I have so much difficulty getting couples to spend time alone together is that when I first see them for counseling, they are not in love. Their relationship does not do anything for them, and the time spent with each other seems like a total waste at first. But when they spend time together, they learn to re-create the romantic experiences that first nurtured their love relationship. Without that time, they have little hope of restoring the love they once had for each other.
But fifteen hours a week is usually not nearly enough time for couples that are not yet in love. To help them jump-start their relationship, I usually suggest twenty-five or thirty hours a week of undivided attention until they are both in love with each other again.
Your time together is too important to the security of your marriage to neglect. It's more important than time spent doing anything else during the week, including time with your children and your job. Remember that the time you should set aside is only equivalent to a part-time job. It isn't time you don't have; it's time you will use for something less important, if you don't use it for each other.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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more from Effective Marriage Counseling:
Dr Harley wrote:
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"When I see a couple for the first time, I let them know that my program will require a minimum of fifteen hours a week of their time. If they can't dedicate that much time while I'm counseling them, I suggest they find another counselor because my plan won't work without it."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No problem, grace ... I made my comment (& assumption) before you explained about having changed your number, and for that, I apologize.
I get a little hard-core sometimes when I see (or think I see) people making some of the same mistakes I made either on the front side of d-day or afterwards.
I don't scare easy & if I see you making any of those mistakes, you can count on me to give it to you straight. I'm rooting for you & your husband.
It'll be good for your H to see & approve the NC letter. He needs to know what it says, for his peace-of-mind.
To second Mel's latest thoughts... At this stage for you, UA time will be huge. It was the biggest change that my wife & I committed to after my affair, and it made a huge & positive difference. Now that you're doing what you can to close the door on OM, you & H need to make the weekly UA time your #1 priority.
Keep up the good work.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Actually, I believe the 10-day camping trip with my family will help my marriage. It will jump-start our UA time.
My H and I originally met on a camping trip, and we did a lot of camping before we had kids. It's always been a special thing for us to do together. Camping forces people to spend time together.. there's no technology or busy schedule. It's nature and bonding...
Our kids go to bed at 8:00... then it's just my H and I for hours around a campfire. Plenty of UA (I'm guessing at least 35 for the week).
We don't have the resources or the luxury to take a 10 day trip without our kids, so trying to get away without them is not possible. However, we plan to get babysitter at least once a week after we get back from vacation to continue the UA.
Thanks for the article and links on this topic, MelodyLane. Very good read!
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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Thank you, GloveOil.. I felt pretty bad after I realized who you were (few months back I had followed many of your posts)...
And I was really moved by your story. I also forgot that you were the WS, and it's good to get kicked in the pants by a fellow WS... because you do know my mistakes. And I'm paying for them on a daily basis, emotionally and spiritually.
So, I do hope you'll keep straightening me out when necessary.
Anyway, my H finally agreed about the NC letter... that I should write it and he will send it after he approves. This is huge for him to agree to. I am also, once again, changing my cell phone number.
Then it's focus on UA. We need to fall back in love again. I see how that's impossible w/o the UA time. I think a concrete schedule is the only way to make this happen. I've been making excuses, and I realize it.
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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