So to all the vets, at what point do you feel comfortable with basically ripping a huge part of you away? That to me is what plan b feels like. Dont get me wrong, I think I'm doing the best thing for me. It is definitely harder than anything I've ever done.

How long does it take for you to get to the point of acceptance? I do think I'm doing fairly well for someone still in love with a WW, but can't say that I waver from thinking that this is about me to the idea that this is what will bring my wife back from fantasy island.

Do I really believe that she'll come down out of the clouds? At this point I still hope she will. I also know that either way I'll be okay but I can't help thinking about the impact of this situation on my daughter. I also find that in my limited, very limited, circle, they don't understand what a BS goes through.

Anyways, I guess I'll end my venting session for now.

When you think about this is effecting your DD, think about how confusing and harmful it would be to her if you were still dealing with your WW. That would be worse than anything you could possibly do by staying in Plan B.

How long it takes in Plan B before you start feeling better really depends on how quickly you can get your mind to stop thinking about your WW.

You need to get through withdrawal and then through the grieving process first, then you can really start to feel better.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating, sleeping, and exercising? What kinds of activities are you doing so you fill up your time?

If you stay truly out of contact (no sight, email, phone...including texting) and keep minimal intermediary messages going back and forth you will feel better sooner than if you don't follow that part of the plan.
No peeking on facebook or any other venue.

It IS the hardest thing to do emotionally. It is going against your own desire to be with the spouse you love.

As you stand up for yourself though, your self respect is healing. Very healing.

The children need a fairly calm, strong parent to lean on.

The fracturing of a family is tough on kids but modeling self respect and being open to someday working with a spouse to rebuild a family is powerful in the face of the situation.

I've never done Plan B but I do know had I known about it in my situation it would have alleviated a HUGE amount of pain.

Scotty has it right, it's important that you take care of YOU.

You have it right that most people IRL don't understand the pain, until it happens to them.

It also bites that the children suffer but it's not because you're in Plan B, it's because of the choices their mom has made. If anything, you are protecting them from further pain by removing yourself from her drama.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

It will get better.

As far as DD goes, I never really let her know how things have affected me. Well, I take that back. She has on a couple of occasions asked, "daddy, what's wrong?" but that's been a while ago.

You say I need to "get" my mind to stop thinking about her. I try really hard to do this. I really do. The problem for me is not having a support system of friends and family around. I'm here it seems on an island all by myself. I grew up in Texas and now live in Indiana.

I don't really have any close friends or old classmates to hang out with. I became a minister 3 yrs after I moved here and those I associated with were proven to not be real friends. It's since been tough to find people who have similar beliefs and interests. Most are so driven by booze and clubbing and smoking weed and everything else that goes with it. I just refuse to surround myself with that.

Yes, I'm eating as best I can. I'm sleeping okay. I usually get out daily, weather permitting, and walk and listen to music for an hour or two. I spend a lot of time on my keyboard working on learning jazz. I spend lots of time reading and studying the bible. I spend a lot of time on here reading stories and so on. I watch DVDs (I can't afford cable and I've watched what I have about 100 times).

On the negative side, I spend pretty much all my time alone. With my financial situation, I have to conserve gas so I don't go many places. Not many people call me so I don't really converse with anyone regularly, actually hardly ever. At the end of the day, I don't have much else to do.

Hey Mark,

How are you today? CV and I are praying for you and your family. Keep your eyes on Christ.

Grace

Mark, I am in tbe same situation as you. I have started plan b with no support other than myself and this board. I have joined some groups online but its slowly becoming evident that my money situation will not allow me to participate with most of their meetups. For both of us, I pray we can find the strength to get through this and that we find some support soon.

Grace, I'm doing fairly well. The weekends can tend to be particularly tough when you are extremely lonely and broke. I've managed this long so I'm sure I'll continue to gain strength from God to make it.

Tired, yeah, it really sucks to know that what will help is out of reach due to finances. I just want to go and do things but I can't. Gas has to be saved along with the little money I have.

Don't get me wrong, I love all the support that has been gained through this site, but it does nothing to replace the need for human interaction.

Grace, our situations are so eerily similar from the dates of the affairs to the not really knowing what Plan A was all about. I think I did a lot of LBing throughout this but there's not much I can do about it now.

Mark, you could get some movies from the library.

Mark - You are doing great!!! I can see it in your posts. I would definitely pick up some hobbies. The YMCA may even give you a very low rate for a membership.

Maybe see if there are festivals and such happening around your area.

The summer will be really busy also with BBQ's and swimming.

Don't let your body be still. Keep very busy!!!

Cheers Tough~

Scotland, the library does seem to be a viable option for movies, so thanks.

IITL, your ideas present challenges. I live on the deep south side of town and the YMCA is on the deep north side of town. It would cause me to use a lot of gas to regularly utilize it and can't afford that. Also, I had a membership there last year and the rate is reasonable but still one that I can't afford.

There are many festivals in our area but I'll have to drive to all the surrounding towns to attend. Again that's a problem right now.

I also understand that BBQ's will be plenty but who's BBQ's will I go to. I have NO family here other than her family. I don't really have any friends as I stated in a previous post so I'm not sure that will do me any good.

So WW and DD will not be going to their church today and DD sent message that I'm to pick her up from WW's apartment. This greatly bothers me for a couple of reason.

1) I hate that WW finds it necessary to go to another church because i believe the pressure of what she is doing is too evident and most there have an idea about what she's doing.

2) Our agreement was that I would pick her up either from church or from the home of DD's other grandmother (not really her grandmother but it seems like she is) who lives next door to the church.

I replied that I would only pick her up from one of those two places. Was I wrong to do that?

DD replied that mommy is not going all the way over there. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I dont want to reply to DD's text and use her as an IM. I don't want to ask her to relay the message that those are the places we agreed and there are no other options. I don't want to go to pick up daughter at WW's apartment giving her an opportunity to set me back. What do I do?

Mark - Are your agreements contractual? You need to get some legal help in order to establish boundaries for your children. I know it will cost money, and you may need a second job. Until you have something legal, she will break the rules and do everything according to her.

I strongly encourage you to go out of your comfort zone and meet people. You are going to need friends to help you through this. Try some activties at your church, or go to seveal churches if you have to find activities.

In another couple months the lonliness may begin to make you feel awful. You will need to be proactive today.

Without support I would be concerned for your mental health. You mentioned you are close to your pastor. Seek out his advice and leadership. I would start there and see where it takes you.

First things first - you have to setup visitation and CS through the courts.

Tough~

You messed up when you responded to your DD's first text and discussed transportation arrangements. It is totally inappropriate for a child to be involved in adult decisions/discussions.

You should have responded to your DD and told her that you love her and any discussion about transportation has to be between the grown-ups. Right now, your DD feels responsibility that she should not have. Don't do this again.

If it's not too late, send your DD a text and tell her that you were wrong to discussion transportation and that needs to be only between the adults.

Next, you need to get in touch with your IM and have your IM tell your WW what you are willing to do.

Iitl, I know what you mean but I have been by myself for 7 months now. It's just something I have to deal with. Also, visitation and cd has been set through the courts. The terms of my plan b have not. We started the drop off point about 2 months ago when I initially did the modified plan b. It has worked well until today she decides she doesn't want to do it.

Kirby, although I didn't say it quite as harsh as I did here, I did say it. I only responded because WW has stated that she will not utilize the IM unless she has a court order to do so.

It's so funny because after my failed attempt at plan a using the jokes thru email and goodnight texts, she went and asked for a hearing to have provisional agreement modified to say that I couldn't contact her through email, or text. The hearing is june 2nd. I've given her what she wants the courts to do and it's not good enough. What does she want?

The message has been sent thru the IM and I expect her to not respond. If she does not want to utilize this form of communication, will this hurt me or her? It's not like I'm not communicating. I'm just not doing it on her terms.

The message I sent to IM simply said,

Please let WW know that picking up DD at her apartment just isn't healthy for me right now and that she should continue utilizing the drop off points that were put in place.

I think that was pretty accurate. What do you guys think?

How on earth does she expect to communicate? No court will agree that verbal only is reasonable. Lawyers and judges like to have things written down. Is she expecting you to contact her by snail mail?

What she's asking for is NOT going to fly in court (unless she has a restraining order against you). I'm surprised that her attorney would even let her ask for that. However, you will not get approval to only communicate through an IM. That's pretty unusual and the judge might think you were odd to request it.

What some people do is have the IM send and receive emails, but they write the email so that it appears to have come from the BS. It would be pretty easy to do. You just set up a new email address and send it to her. Block her from your old email. Give the addy and password to your IM. The IM can read emails and send any important information to your regular email address. When you respond, the IM can write the email from the special address.

The information is correct, but the IM should not give WW any information about you. Not even that it "isn't healthy" for you to go to her apartment. Your IM should merely say:

Kirby, I didn't think it was reasonable either. Neither of us have lawyers so that idea was all her doing. She is just so confused right now, it's amazing. She did try to get a restraining order but dropped it because she knew there were no grounds. Our provisional just states that neither party can harass the other. I don't think in any way my jokes and goodnight texts were harassment.

I like the idea of the second email address. As a matter of fact, I already have one. I will make my IM aware of the pertinent info so that he can start using it. Good idea.

Also, the only reason I sent the text about the drop off point is WW usually has dd text me when she is at the drop off. She was probably told to send me the message that said to pick her up at WW's apartment. That's why I responded the way I did.

Use your IM. Use your IM. Use your IM.

Only your IM. (or an exception....your attorney)

Nothing in the messages thru IM other than facts.
child at time/date/place.
child ___________(important health issue/behavior issue such as school trouble or trouble with the law/activity planned like trip outta town)

financial issues that a lawyer can't address

That is it.