a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...(later installed differnt program to get more)

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on apr. 3...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she did the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him). she wants to remain friends while she sorts things out and "heals". neither of us can afford to live on our own really.. and i told her its okay so long as she not friends with him...


since then,they didnt talk for a week, then it slowly started up again. conversley during the secret part of the affair, our intamacy was normal,after d-day nomore kissing, intimacy or even i love yous. my mother in law confronted him but briefly to tell him how this has been traumatic on my son(my wife once said hed back off if he knew he was coming between her and her sons relationship, of which my son has been acting differntly). then it went quiet for a while..he had her number blocked, but they started communicating through my wifes friend/coworker. using code like my buddy, and she..thinking like i cant figure it our...shes left for work her normal time, only for me to see a text to her supervisor 1 hr later saying she overslept or something like that.

so here i am, completely fed up.

i followed a letter for the beginning of plan b. but again, moving out is almost out of the question, so im combining it with a hardcore 180. along with the letter im going to give her all the texts i have as proof that its still going on, that way she cant deny. as well im going to txt her friend (who was in our wedding by the way, and said she just wants my wife to be happy, like if heroin made her happy would you get if for her? )to tell her i know, txt/call the OM mom (hes a total mamas boy) and a few other friends/coworkers for total exposure.

and then finally, go into their work and in a very civil like manner, confront him. tell him im fighting for my wife and family. tell him to back off.that not only did he bring my son up insome text, he used it to manipulate her by saying i'd use my son like soem sick weapon. ill also let him know that when he scheduled my wife over other people for hours at her job, that that was sexual favortism (a form of sexual harrasment in CA) and that with that knowledge he could and would get fired...no to mention texting and calling from work it discuss the affair on company time is a huge nono...

i figure that should get him to back off, and the fact that i have proof and emails all ready to go to the division heads at thier store, ill give him the option to transfer to another store...or else.

yes i know my wife will hate me for some time...but hopefully shell come out of the fog and really heal because this will be rock bottom, she finaly face reality and the consequences of her actions (which ther have been none)


any advice or thoughts, because i could sure use them...or just get me pumped up...
i plan to do this wed because he works, my wife doesnt so they cant be near each other and my wife cant make a scene at her job...and i think a few other dept/store managers might be there if i have to go to them as well...

DO NOT THREATEN TO EXPOSE!

The only thing that you need to tell the OM is that he needs to stay away from your wife or he!! is coming his way.

You need to expose to the HR department at their work. There's a letter posted on the forums by Brits Brat, who is a corporate attorney for HR at her job.

You should also expose to his BW, even though they're getting a divorce (do you know this for a fact?). She probably has no idea what has been going on and has the right to know, especially if it could help her get a better settlement/custody arrangement.

If he is on Facebook, you should copy/paste his friends' list into a Word/text document so that you can expose him in private messages sent in intervals of a couple of minute. Your targets on the friends' list should be his family members and those who seem to be "family-type" people.

I think you should do a really good Plan A for a while longer and take care of exposure. Get these books: "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Both are available on this site if you can't find them locally.

I'm sorry you have the need to be here, but this is the absolutely best place you can find help to save your marriage and family.

Oh, and one last thing: If it does come to a separation, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! She's the one who cheated; she should be the one to leave...WITHOUT your child. IF she leaves, don't worry about where/how she's going to live. That's her problem.

Exposure killed my wifes affair in two hours. Don't assume hes getting a divorce. Get to his wife and everyone mentioned above.

Do it now.

Would you like my thoughts? (Stop reading now if you are the sensitive type!)

I think, if I was ever going to be an OM, I hope I would have the good sense (luck?) to shag a "piece" with a husband as considerate and gentlemanly as you are.

I would appreciate his telling my "sex kitten" that she really should break it off with me, but let her continue to work "under" me at the store, instead of demanding she quit the job or face extremely dire domestic consequences.

Subsequently, after we inevitably get sweaty all over again, this gentleman would come and talk to me about it, instead of packaging the evidence he had about me and his wife and delvering it to my management, and the HD department, and any union, or employee groups, proving that in exchange for her servicing my "Mr. Happy", I rewarded her with additional hours paid for by the company. This would give me the time I need to concoct and circulate (with his wife's help, of course) the necessary stories about his mental issues causing unjustified accusations against me.

Yes, that would be good stuff!

Welcome, elph. What NG is saying, in his usual illustrious fashion, is that unless you take control of this situation, you're going to lose your marriage.

First order of business is to expose this affair to their employer without warning.

Don't let your WW continue to dump on you by carrying on her affair under your nose. No texting, no phoning, no computer contact in your marital home. Follow her around if she attempts to do that. If she tries to lock herself in the bathroom with her phone, knock on the door and tell her over and over that you will NOT allow her to contact loser boy in your marital home.

You are being waay too accomodating, elph. Start raising some hell!

And please understand that it is *not* unloving to put your foot down. It is *not* unloving to expose someone who is doing something drastically, disastrously, harmful to your life, your son's life and those around you. I kind of equate it to (who said it to me a week or so ago??) a person standing on the tracks and having a train barrel down on them. Is it unloving to tackle them out of the way? No. A little discomfort now prevents a lot of pain (or even death) later...


Find that guy's wife. Expose to every single person in her blackberry address book. Tell everyone at work, in his family, hers, yours...

When I lived in SC, I saw a BS had paid for a billboard exposing the WS, right off the main road. That thing was up there for a month on the main drag of a very big city.

cv

You are going about this the wrong way and will likely end up in jail. Nothing will come of confronting him at work except you will likely end up in jail and that will help your wife in any legal action.

Lets be strategic and smart here and come up with a plan that will help you kill the affair without harming YOU or your marriage. Plan your exposure for Wednesday. Plan to do this all on the same day so it has a tsunami effect.

Send a letter to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both your wife and the OM's supervisors. Mail it out certified on Monday to arrive on Tues-Wed, the day of your nuclear launch. Be sure and cc all of these people on the letter so they know it has gone out to everyone. I will post a sample letter in the next post.

On Wednesday, sit down and expose to the following people:

1. the OM's wife [either call or visit her personally]
2. the OM's parents and family members [ check his facebook page and see if you ID them - you will send a private message to these people - we have a sample letter - copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc TODAY for safekeeping]
3. call or email any close family or friends and ASK THEM TO USE THEIR INFLUENCE TO PERSUADE YOUR WIFE TO END HER AFFAIR

This will be an effective exposure that is the most likely to get results. I would also caution you about allowing your wife to live there while carrying on an affair, the being "friends" ploy. That is enabling her. You should DEMAND she quit her job, end her affair or get out. If she doesn't have the money, then that is her problem. You should never tolerate her affair. NEVER.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Facebook exposure suggestions. First thing: go to the OP�s facebook page and copy and paste all their contacts into a word doc. This is real important because when you start exposure, you can expect the target to shut down the page.

When you expose on facebook, you should select key targets and send them a private message. Do not write this on a wall because it will be buried and ignored. Space your private messages out 60 seconds so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Make sure your full name shows up on facebook. Change your picture to one of you and your spouse and make sure there are several pictures of your children that are visible to the public.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

I've only got a sec right now and will post again later. Allthe advice is helpful. The ex already knows and has her confrontation ideas. ESP to get what she wants in the divorce. She has also been extremely helpful with all kinds of info on him. She wants to work it out but has moved on at the same time.

As for my wife. Believe you me, I'm totally planning on standing up to the situation, if anything to regain control of my self n my life. It'll allow me to move on one way or another. But it'll also show a who's who. He's a coward and I'm the man protecting my family. As to going to his job. It'll be very civil. But firm. I'm gonna try my hardest to not go all goodfellas on him. ( that's a joke btw)

I'll post later too

i really appreciate the corporate letter...

i was talking to my M-I-L. she knows all about this and has been working her own angle. she even confronted him once and told hi that the affair was driving a wedge between my wife and our 3 yr old son..but he didnt care..
she is of course sheltering her daughter, she doenst want anything to affect her job, and considering shes been ther 14-15 rs, its understandable. esp in this econmy and with mywifes limited skills.
so we fight about thta. i tell her ill protect her as best i can, but there are consequences, you either want the affair over or not, theres no black and white..

as well the OM soon to be ex. knows alot...shes been a valuable resource in terms of knowledge. shes helpedme flesh out the details after i told her about the affair( of which she suspected, but i provided the proof.
shes gonna confront him at one of their counseling/co parenting classe. shes gonna use that so they dont have to head to court,,

his mom will also konw. hes a big mamas boy. so when his mom finds out, with copies of some texts, shell go after him in someway too.

gonna text/talk to my wifes best friend/coworker who helped this go more underground while being a relay..her thing is she just wanted my wife happy...if heroin made my wife happy, would you get it for her?

as well as several other employees there..

im in the process of getting the right email addresses for his division manager, i already know my wifes supervisor and store manager...

of course this will all be on the same day...the reason its wed. is because im giving my wife a letter like the one before plan b. like jons. as well im giving her all the text data that ive een storing with all the stuff shes said to him. thats the big kicker because once that info becomes exposed.itll be my proof for anything.

ill lose the ability to monitor my wife phone, but at that point im assuming the marriage is over anyway. in the letter i basically i want nothing to do with er, that we can parent ou son till she gets aplace, but this is gonna be a hardcore 180.

but this is all to burst his bubble. hes be going on consequence fee...well that gonna change...hopefully i get my wife back...but not right now. if he transfers or gets fired, then my wife will really hate me,but thats a sad possiblity


at least if anything this will get the monkey off my back. ill be in control. and i can say i tried my best...after that the cards will fall where they will.

but im still scared poopless...

Elph , we run what a plan B , in your case make sure your child stays with you, nominate an intermediary who is not a family member , pack your wifes bags and show her the door. She pays half the bills if she thinks she is entitled to half the takings if she runs away with the OM.

You must not worry about her job, if she is fired , tough the OM can support her and his wife. If she does leave ensure your child is never in the presence of the OM , make it a legal requirement if you have to.

Let his family and friends know of his adultery and hers.

I would suggest you expose first them sit with her , do not give her time to warn him and never disclose what you are doing.

I wouldn't give her the evidence. If you give this to her you will lose your source of evidence collecting. Instead, get the evidence out of the house for safekeeping. And I most certainly would not give her a Plan B letter! You are not anywhere NEAR ready for Plan B. The goal with this exposure is to save your marriage, not go into Plan B. When you expose and she finds out, that is when you tell her she has to leave the job, end her affair and commit to your marriage to keep you interested in this marriage. Otherwise, this will lead to divorce.


I would do NONE of the above. The goal here is to save your marriage, not wreck it. That is the whole point of exposure.

And it doesn't matter how long your wife has been on the job, you cannot save your marriage as long as she works with the OM. Your wife ruined her career when she decided to act in such an unprofessional way.

Are you seriously telling me the OMW has NOT confronted the OM?? How retarded is that? On Wednesday, I would strongly suggest - after you do all your exposures - that you call up that [censored] and tell him you have exposed him to his wife. Why isn't she confronting him? Is she a timid gal?

This is actually like a second d-day. He knows I know. And all that. I told him to back off. The OMW wants to do it during counseling where there in a safety zone. For her protection.

As for the evidence. Me going to every one needs proof. ESP my wife. During d day the proof I showed her was the texts through a program. When I expose the proof I'm using are similar, but updated. Shell tell me they're not involved. Again. Heck she just said it a few hours ago. I'm exposing her completely. She tells me she in therapy for herself. But texts to her friend say they're on "pause" and he's in his own therapy. They want to heal together to be together.

Quite frankly I'm sick of it all. Sick of the lies and mistrust and sneaking around. Found out yesterday hey got a room for their lucnh break. In texts to her friend who asked how her day went she said " it was soooo amazing and soooo perfect. The best day ever and she feels so connected". And this morning how she had a great night and she feels like she's in a better space.

How do I deal with that?
I'm starting to doubt she's in the fog. She said to me it would be perfect if we sold the house and got apartments right next to each other.

She doesn't know I know they're still going. Ultimately I need proof. That's the texts.

The letter is to set super boundaries. That I'm not going to take it and I'm done. No friendship no nothing. And I'm going to try to get her to move out which is easier said than done.

The exposure is to kill the affair. Make it uber uncomfortable.
I know divorce may be an outcome.

She keeps saying shes not inlove with me. There hasn't been pecks on the cheeks. Hand holding. Nothing since d day. I think she feels as I she's cheating on him.

I'm at my wits end. My heart is destroyed and the linger it goes on the more resentment anger and contempt grow. I'm going to end up hating her.

So its letter amd exposure. I can't do one with outthe other. ESP. If work needs evidence. Everybody gets a price based off of those. If not I have no proof. So ina way it will be a plan b.

I've tried being nice. I've shown significant change and suchincluding going to my own therapy. She's in deep. She can't or won't get away

I don't wantto lose her. But I dont want to lose myself in the process.

I'm just so frustrated

Plus even if i dont give her the texts. Shell know how I hot them anyway because. I'm pretty much doomed either way. The texts are the key. After this shell probably get a new phone that I can't track. At that point she's made her decision to be with him. I can't stop her but I can make it as miserable as possible. And maybe if she is I. The fog, she wake up and realize hat losing me is a big deal.


God this sucks to be in this spot. I hate it. WTF am I doing here arghhhhh!!!

Oh and I'm not going to tell him thy I told his mom or anybody else. I want him to find out for him self. That way it just gets deeper an deeper for him.

FYI,

Don't be surprised if the denials continue. Even showing her and others the text messages won't be enough. She'll just say that she knew her controlling husband was spying on her text messages and they purposely made those texts to play games with you as if you deserved to be messed with since you were "inappropriately" and in a controlling method snooping on her like her dad.

I'd consider reading up on other spying techniques so you can get some other evidence as well.

In the longrun...SHE KNOWS what she is doing so it is OK if you resist the urge to PROVE to her what you know because she really doesn't need to know what you know and she really only wants to know what you know so she (and OM) can figure out the next conceivable way to lie around what you know and prevent you from knowing more.

Good luck,
Mr. W

p.s. - It IS the fog. You are no longer dealing with your real wife. She's been abducted and in her place is a lying conniving witch. Your wife is still in there though....bust up the affair and hopefully you'll get the shot to recover your marriage like I and many others have here on MB.

I agree you need the texts to expose to others, but you don't need them to show to HER. That is my point, she already KNOWS she is having an affair. All you have to say is that you have been watching her and you know she met the OM at the hotel on XX-XX-XXX. You don't NEED the admission of a liar to know the truth. And you shouldn't give up your source. When she asks, "how do you know?" Tell her it is none ya.


I agree you should lay down boundaries but you can't go into Plan B until she moves out. What I would do is tell her that in order to stay, she will have to:

a) quit the job
b) end all contact with the OM
c) establish complete and total transparency
d) commit to the recovery of your marriage

If she won't do those things, she needs to move out because you will not accept anything less. Let her know that you will be filing for divorce on grounds of adultery, which means the OM will be subpoeanaed into court and all their emails and texts and bank records will be subpoeaned under discovery. But get her OUT before you hand her a Plan B letter, because you are not in a position to go into Plan B until she is GONE. You can't do Plan B if she still lives there.


He is a wife beater? Or she is a wimp?

He's not a wife beater. She's a wimp. But he owns guns and she wants protection. Legal and otherwise. That way she gets the upper hand in the divorce proceedings. She's hopeimg they don't go to court and since he too is a wussies n a coward with hi own self esteem issues and such. It may just happen

That is ridiculous. She doesn't get the upper hand by being a wimp. The fact that he "owns guns" is a silly reason to be scared. I would MAKE SURE the OM knows she knows by the end of the day on Wednesday. Her waiting to tell him in "counseling" is silly and impedes your exposure plan. Too bad she is a wimp.

her thing is that she can use this stuff to get what she wants..wahtever, i suggested she show up when im done at the job..
of which, i come and go there alot. people know me there, and there are a few who are privy to whats going on, esp her supervisor, but only have so much power at this point. on a side note, her supervisor hates him and vice versa because theyre both dept. heads...

if anybody whos been reading this post have any reconciliation stories, i could use them...i need somethign postive in the face of what seems to be blowing up my marriage..