unloved, the basic problem here is that you live apart. There is very little you can do until that issue is alleviated. She had an affair because you live apart and she has fallen out of love with you. So even if she did fall in love again in those 30 days [which she won't] she will just fall out of love again when she leaves. Do you see what I mean?

In order to change your marriage, you have to change the conditions that led to the problem.

One thing I would avoid like a plague is marriage counseling. It is destructive to marriages and will only make this worse to sit in a room with each other and lovebust each other.

Can you go with her where she serves?

When my WH came back to the marriage in December his commander was going to send him home in January to fix the marriage.

You have to get the commander involved and let them know your family will be destroyed if she deploys. You have to pull out all the guns and make it stick.

If my WH would have been sent home by his commander my marriage may be in a better position. My WH and Ow worked together so NC couldn't happen in the deployed zone. It was awful because he couldn't stay away from her. He was addicted.

You have to get the commander involved and let him know you need his help. At least then you will know you are doing everything to save this marriage.

My only hope is when my WH comes home in July he will finally defog. My WH is super pizzed at the AC, but it was my only hope in busting the affair.

I still do not know if the affair is busted. I am just hoping and praying on everything I have learned about this OW that she will not want my husband because of all the trouble I had caused in exposure.

If not, then they will probably date upon their return and I will probably be divorced by December. My marriage cannot be saved until she is out of my WH's life.

Right now you have to bring in the military and let them know everything. It is all you can do to get her to stay with you. Having her deploy is a cancer and survival may be impossible.

Today I rely on the power of God only. I am giving my WH time to defog out of his deployment fog. God is all I have today. I am powerless at getting him back.

Having a spouse have an affair during the deployment is the worst form of pain on this planet. I have lost everything except my four beautiful babies. My life is 360 degrees different all because my husband had an affair and abandoned us during his deployment.

All I hope is when he comes home he is broken and may find his way back to us.

God Bless Tough~

The OM was there at base with her for about 2 months. He is back in the US. and has been for some time.

Can't/ couldn't go with her, she is at the "last of the warrior bases" as they call it. The last base in the AF where no one can bring family.

Ready...you know OM. Expose. You've read this.

I always go with her where she serves unless she deployed, or get this remote. And i know exactly what you are saying about the counseling. Though i'm don't look at it as negatively as you do, i would kinda want to put it off until she is back for good. Don't want to lovebust each other then send her back off to this environment. And if it does help i don't want to send her off to her own little world again.

And i think you are correct the problem is we are apart right now, living 2 separate lives. How do i show her that that is the problem. This isn't a case where i go away and she lives same life, same environment, same stresses etc and and says "wow i'm finally happy my hubby is gone"
This is is like spending a year in a 5 star ocean resorts and realizing you don't like the view in your upstate New York home.

It's like she is a kid at Disney land who doesn't want to go home. I want to point this out. But she feels i talk down to her, and treat her like a kid. But on this i think she is acting like one. How do i convince her?

I would follow itstoughlove's recommendation and expose the affair to her commander and let him know your marriage is crumbling. See if he will reassign her to a place where you can live.

Then set her down when she gets home and let her know that spending time apart is not working and if she wants to stay in this marriage, it has to change.

You need to make a decision about your marriage and decide if you want to be a kept man or if you want a marriage because you don't have a marriage now. You have nothing to lose by setting you standards HIGH and making her live up or move on. You have nothing to lose except a whole lot of grief if she chooses to end the marriage.


You don't need to convince her of something she already knows. She already knows she doesn't want to come home. You know that. That is because she is not in love.

My WH is deployed to his home country (he is a naturalized), and it has been a vacation for him. His mommy is there (enabling the affair), he doesn't have four small babies to feed, change, provide security, safety, or anything for. He is there with his 25 colleagues in a fantasy world.

The fantasy will continue and it will make her even more entitled to do what she pleases. My WH's affair Entitlement + no boundaries + opportunity = total annihilation of my family.

You have to try and speak to her to not go. If she wants this marriage you have to pleasantly tell her she has to reassign. If the commander is involved and you make an convincing case you may get her plans changed.

I am first hand experience of a wayward being far away from reality and has the entitlement + no boundary + opportunity in their bloods. It isn't good.

You have to go down fighting for this marriage while Plan A'ing your wife. Please do whatever you can to convince her to change plans and work on the marriage. If I recall there are children here.

Otherwise all you can do while she is gone is pray. There is nothing left for you to do when they are separated. You can try and Plan A since you are male and can hang on longer, but you become very powerless.

Cheers Tough~

There is a reason I look at marriage counseling in a negative light. It is because it is destructive to marriages. They cause HARM. We see evidence of that on this forum every day. Dr Harley has been a marriage counselor for 40 years and he says this too.

She is already there, about halfway done. She does want to work on the marriage, she is the one suggesting counseling.
Talking to command would be a mute point. OM is gone, and has been for a quite some time. They didn't work together before, and the will not in the future.

I'm just trying to figure out what are my best odds of winning her back,/ starting to win her back when she comes home on mid tour.

I plan on meeting her EM,(which i'm trying to do now but as i'm sure you are aware it's very difficult when they are gone) dating her, making an extra nice place to come back to.

Don't know if i should, bring up the fact that her doubts are coming from a fantasy life that will end before the end of the year. It's not based in reality. It's not only affected us, but her relationship with her mother, grandparents, father and even the kids.

Unloved8,

Everything about affairs is based on fantasy and has nothing to do with real life. It is the epitome of self centeredness.

My H and I are both retired military. H had an affair during his last deployment and retired earlier than planned as a result.

Melodylane is exactly right about the dynamics of marriage during deployment. Your wife had someone else meeting her emotional needs while deployed and fell out of love with you and in love with OM. A similar thing happened in my H's and my marriage. I never could figure out how to plan A during military separation and as Mel said, Dr. Harley has not been able to figure it out either. My H spent more and more time with a co-worker and in a matter of months, he was mired in an EA followed by 6 months of PA.

Something does not sound right in your situation. It sounds as if your WW's A is still on. Perhaps your wife and OM are communicating via email or phone. And it sounds as if she has been thinking about meeting up with him. Also, I think it likely this has been a physical affair as well.

How much do you know about OM? Is he married? If so, does his wife know what has been happening? Some things to do before she returns mid-tour are to install a keylogger on your home computers and to record phone conversations from your home phone and her cell phone, if she has one. I think it is highly likely you will find them contacting each other.

And yes, meet as many ENs as possible while she is home. Make her miss you and the kids when she leaves again. This is hard. Even under the best circumstances (without affair effects), whenever my H and I were separated by assignments, it took a couple of weeks to "re-integrate" to the family.

AM

That won't work to tell her that. That is like trying to tell a falling down drunk how alcohol affects them. It does not good.

Rather, I would take a global approach and let her know this isn't working for your marriage. You need to do this if you want to salvage your marriage. Ask her to retire early or to take an early leave.

And please take Armymama's advice and install a keylogger on her computer and get a tap on your phone. You might also put a VAR in your home in a strategic spot where you think she might call someone. You need to find out what she is doing when you aren't around.

Can i meet EM and lay down ground rules at the same time?

She will let you meet her ENs?? I would be shocked to hear that. But yes, you should explain your boundaries to her. Women do not love men they don't respect and women don't respect door mats. If the answer to her abusive behavior is a bunch of [censored] kissing she will be disgusted, not endeared.

IDK, but i'm going to try.


How do i do so without coming off as talking down to her? (When i run thru my head what i really want to say its, a very bad, anger filled, marriage ending ultimatum.)

How do i address the unclear issues. Don't know if EA turned physical, don't know if she is still in communication with that OM, don't know if she is in another or on the verge of another.

I can say "no contact with OM"(who is gone)And i feel justified.
But not sure about new friends.

You just say it straight out and tell her how its going to be. Let her know that this is something that is not negotiable if she wants to stay married to you. I would focus more on getting her to get leave and or get out of this career if she wants to have a future with you.

And let her know thats not going to fly with you. You are only willing forgive her for her LAST AFFAIR if she stops playing in the street. For her to have male friends after what she did to you is mean and disrespectful. That is outrageous she would do this to you AGAIN.

That sounds like a demand. Isn't that a no-no?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2313031#Post2313031

Not trying to be a smart alek. Do the rules of surviving an affair differ from that of presenting a problem?
Like i said i have no problem with, "making her" cut ties with OM if she is still in touch.
Asking her to cut ties with all male friends (with no evidence of another EA) seems too demanding.

I'm thinking of presenting my worry that another EA could come from opposite sex friendships. (she can't deny that it could since it has)
She will "counter" with, "i don't have any women to hang out with" (which is very much true for the most part) and then i ask for compromise. "Groups of friends only, steve, mike, ron, and you go and do x. ok. Just you and ____ go and do x NOT ok."




I have been going to school, to better our position financially, before this popped up and she made mention of wanting to leave the life before the EA .She can't leave career for a few years, but I'm doing everything i can to give us that option as soon as the opportunity present itself.

Extraordinary precautions are NOT negotiable and you don't have a marriage if you tolerate her continued contact with men. Of course that is not too demanding. Your marital recovery depends on it.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

What can she do to leave it NOW? Or at least make arrangements to be with you every night? That is what needs to happen. Your marriage won't last "years." It is unlikely to last "months." She is headed right for affair #2, if it hasn't already begun.

You are kidding, right?