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I do hold him responsible for what he asked of me. He knows me better than anyone else and knows the struggles i've had for so many years. He had to know exactly how it would affect me. After that, I made a lot of things up in my mind that may or may not have been true and I was unfaithful. I don't believe for a second though that he was unfaithful. He acted selfishly, but I belueve he'd been faithful.

I would happily start over immediately if he will. I don't have much hope right now.

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together
regretful, I'm wondering if your H is using your infidelity as a stepping stone for getting out of a marriage he didn't want to be in. think He's within his rights to remove himself from you after what you did, but it seems odd. He was all for it until you did it, and now he's checking out. Just makes me wonder.

Bliss,

I had been wondering this for a while, but have been hesitant to speak. I would echo what everyone is saying here and confront him on it. A guy who has that idea is *not* happy in the marriage. He's used you as an excuse. If he doesn't want to talk, write a letter to him and hand deliver it. Tell him you screwed up big time with his besty, but not making the same mistake again and won't reduce yourself to "a 2nd place booty call" until he pulls his head out and makes a decision.


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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
. I don't believe for a second though that he was unfaithful. He acted selfishly, but I belueve he'd been faithful.

Adultery begins in the heart. In that sense, we have all been guilty of it one way or another.

CV


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He insists that I could have said no and he would have dropped it. As i've said though, I determined in my own mind that he wasn't happy and would resent me. He never said that would happen.

The hurt comes from who I was with. Deep down I think he knows he's not innocent. He knows he shouldn't have asked.

My work schedule and living situation are a little funky right now. Making posts from my phone at work is difficult enough. I have to sit down when I have enough time at my computer to email the radio show.

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He insists that I could have said no and he would have dropped it.
Oh, no, you don't, regretful's husband. naughty

He is attempting to make you be the one who was holding the bag last and the true 'owner' of the blame. The outrageous thing was that he made the suggestion in the first place!


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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Deep down I think he knows he's not innocent. He knows he shouldn't have asked.

Knowing deep down is not the same as being confronted by his victimized wife.


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He did tell me this at the time, but as I've said before, I'm crazy and made up a scenario in my mind that may not have come true. Dropping it then doesn't mean he would have dropped it entirely, but he would have done it.

He does deserve blame for asking me for the open marriage, something I obviously couldn't handle, but I deserve blame after that. He knows what he did and I know what I did. I don't want to keep rehashing the same thing over and over again. I want us to be able to move past it. Together or apart, constantly going over the same hurtful details won't help us. True, we both need help dealing with the feelings that brought us to the point where he asked me and I felt compelled to do it. I'm doing that now. I hope someday he'll do that also. I really did understand why he asked me, but it still hurt.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Deep down I think he knows he's not innocent. He knows he shouldn't have asked.

Knowing deep down is not the same as being confronted by his victimized wife.

I have confronted him, but right now it only starts huge fights and I don't want that. I want to stop fighting about the same thing all the time. It's exhausting for both of us. We do love each other and don't want to keep hurting each other. So I don't want to keep trying to assign blame. He knows he asked something he shouldn't have, something he's very sorry for, but I know from that point forward I wasn't completely honest about how I felt and I pursued a course that did permanent damage to our marriage. All I want now is to be able to move forward. I know that means fixing the damage from the past, but it doesn't mean we have to keep dissecting it all the time.

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Your H is fence sitting because your desire to save the marriage allows him that luxury.

If he's so adamant about not going to marriage counseling then it may be time for you to consider filing for divorce.

Now before somebody tries to crucify me for even bringing up such blasphemous suggestion, please realize that a divorce filing can be withdrawn. And of course it shouldn't be used as a manipulation tool to bring back a fence sitting spouse. The point is to convey to him that you have come to the realization that despite all your efforts to save the marriage that it is impossible to do so all by yourself and that if he's not willing to join you then it is time for the two of you to end the marriage and to go your separate ways.

This should not be construed as an invalidation of your efforts to save your marriage or to stop to doing so, but you should at least give it some serious consideration in lieu of his latest "He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married"

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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
The point is to convey to him that you have come to the realization that despite all your efforts to save the marriage that it is impossible to do so all by yourself and that if he's not willing to join you then it is time for the two of you to end the marriage and to go your separate ways.

This is absolutely correct. I haven't read this whole thread, but when a spouse refuses to commit to marital recovery there are only 2 outcomes: a long slow death of a thousand cuts that will eventually lead to a divorce or a divorce. The long road or the short road, in other words. Having no plan to recover is a plan to fail. \

As far as marriage counseling goes, traditional marriage counseling is so destructive to marriage that I would never trust my marriage to that. But there are resources here that can transform your marriage. It can be done on your own [if you are very self disciplined] or via the MB counseling center.

A shout out to TMCM: good to see you, friend!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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My husband has not refused to work on it altogether. He has asked for time to figure out what he wants. I am not filing for a divorce unless he makes it very clear that he never intends to work on it and doesn't want to be with me. I'm not doing either of us any favors by doing that. It's been only 6 weeks since he found out and i've spent a good portion of that time being pretty crazy. He's had to deal with my emotional breakdowns on numerous occasions which didn't allow him to deal with his own issues. Hopefully, having some time apart, but still talking will allow him to really think about what he wants. I know that being apart is not the way to work on our marriage, but he needs to have time to process everything.

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Ok that's a good update. It shows that the marriage is not on life support just waiting for someone to pull the plug.

Just one favor, if you please. Why did you post the confusing and contradictory information below?:

Quote
Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together.

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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
Ok that's a good update. It shows that the marriage is not on life support just waiting for someone to pull the plug.

Just one favor, if you please. Why did you post the confusing and contradictory information below?:

Quote
Well, at this point i'm done. He wants to live a single life and do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't want to answer to anyone or work on our relationship. He doesn't think he'll ever get over what I did. I'll be here. If he wants me than he has to want to work us together.

On a couple of occasions he's told me he's done, that he didn't need any more time to think about it. Usually I respond by getting extremely emotional and calling him over and over again sobbing into his voicemail. That was a very bad day. In order to function at work I got angry. We both were and we both said things that were hurtful. We did work that out and have been talking since. I have to keep reminding myself that he's confused. He loves me and misses me, but he's still angry with me. I am the first to admit that I'm impatient. I know I want to work on the marriage and it's hard to put myself in his place to know how difficult it must be to make figure out what to do. So when he says things that make me feel like he's moving on or pulling away, I overreact. So, I apologize for posting the contradictory information. We have a lot of work to do if he wants to try. Until then, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

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Since there was an attempt to have intercourse, there is still the possibility of you having contracted an STD from the OM. I say this because you and his wife may not be the only women that he has been intimate with. Have you gotten tested yet?

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TreadJack Alert,

Holy Smokes, the CoffeeMan is back. hurray Good to see you back CoffeeMan. Hope all is well with you.

JL

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Hi JL,

Thank you and to MelodyLane as well.

My wife (second) died of cancer just a little over 2 years ago. The girls and I were devastated. But I am now a grandpa to a beautiful and healthy baby girl. Through sadness and happiness, life goes on.

My apologies to you OP, regretfulinMD, for the treadjack.


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CoffeeMan,

I am so sorry to hear this news. On the up side congratulations on being a Grandpa. You have been missed.

God Bless,

JL

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Just wanted to update everyone. We are going to work on this together. I don't know if he can get past this, but he's at least willing to put in some work now.

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Originally Posted by regretfulinMD
Just wanted to update everyone. We are going to work on this together. I don't know if he can get past this, but he's at least willing to put in some work now.

That he's willing to work with you is good news! Do you have a plan?


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Originally Posted by Just Learning
TreadJack Alert,

Holy Smokes, the CoffeeMan is back. hurray Good to see you back CoffeeMan. Hope all is well with you.

JL
hurray dance2 hug stickout

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