I am finding that overcoming resentment isn't some magic formula that simply take affect after you do: XYZ...

instead, what I have found (and others please chime in here) is that resentment begins to fade *AFTER* all the details are given, questions mostly answered to satisfaction (the big ones), and you are able to really begin looking at the future together.

What I have found that breeds resentment is focusing and obsessing on the past.One of the geniuses of the MB program is that when you begin rebuilding your marriage it is forward focused. This is key to overcoming the resentment and hurt, because you are focusing on the now, and not the past.

We have to remember, that as betrayed spouses, we are victims (I really believe this) of sex-crimes. They were perpetrated against us by the ones we love and cherish the most.

To paraphrase SAA... "We cannot change the past, but we can change the present and the future."

cv

If I knew how to insert those quotes like all of you do, Id love to do so. But, MB, thanks. Last night was a watershed moment for the dirty details and at 2:00am we had a knock out, drag down and ended it by having sex. Maybe this is good. This schizo thing is really something. I wish someone else had to deal with it, not me.

I started going thru the Dr's info in earnest and printed salient material for my WW to read. One thing I learned and Im studying hard is the past is the past and cannot be changed. I can spend my days worrying about every ejaculation (pardon my bluntness) and position and facial expression and what was said at dinner and who was the aggressor and who did this who did that. ORRRRR, I can move on and accept that she 1) cut of ties to OM, 2) declared and has shown her lack of any interest in OM, 3) believe Im the one she wants to be with and wants stop my hurting, and 4) wants me to forgive her for doing the "worst thing imaginable to me and our kids".

Yes, I enjoy the control and the amazing things WW is doing nowadays in the sack. Right now its a good day. I made her cry last night and I cried too which just the other day I was pretty sure I was done with.

With all respect to my pyschologist who given me some good direction, the main section of this site and to a greater extent you all have helped this mental mush of a guy more than you'll know.

Unfortunately, A's will go on forever so maybe I can use some of the insight you've given me for someone else. But, methinks I have a long road to row before Im ready to dole out advice.

Mike,

Don't be so sure. Many WS' feel trapped in what they are doing (of course they are not, really, but they do feel that way), and the depression that accompanies people engaged in affairs coupled with the knowledge that they have "screwed everything up" often leads to a hopelessness where they feel they might as well continue on, because they feel like they are a POS anyway. This isn't true for all, but it is for many.

My own FWW relates to me that she felt like such a worthless POS that even though she wanted me, she didn't feel she was good enough to be with me. She was relieved to be caught as in her mind, she didn't know how to escape the A. There is a fogged out obscuring of any reason that accompanies A's that will take a reasonably intelligent person and reduce them to a blithering idiot in these situations.

Just something to keep in mind. She may not ever want to see that guy again....

CV

My mentor in business always taught me to have a reason for asking questions, never just speak for the sake of speaking or ask for the sake of asking. Have a purpose!

So, I have this urge to send an email to OM who cannot be described as my best friend but certainly a friend who I feel the need to speak to. Id rather not call, he wouldnt pick up. I just want to reinforce how much he hurt my kids who he adored. Im not blaming him as I uncover more about want what on, WW was a very willing participant. This was a clear 2 way street as each of you have hammered home to me for 4 days.

This would be some closure for me as I was basically involved in this affair as the blind dupe. There would be no blame, no threats, no implied threats, just me telling him how he and his girlfriend hurt a lot of people and he needs to hear it from me.

I know the Dr. says WW needs to write the letter cutting off the deal. But, I think the F-off she gave him on the phone 2 weeks ago said enough.

I just need to know how he could sit in my house and then be with my wife the next day. I asked my wife the same thing for 2 weeks and theres really no reason. Just was what it was.

Lastly, this was not some guy at the bar she met weekly for action, this was a family friend so me reaching out to him I think is fair.

Any thoughts?

The OM in this situation did more than just have an affair with your wife. He got off on the idea of dominating her (basically making her be his prostitute and paying her for things) and he got off on being your friend and "adoring" your children all the while he was enslaving and entrapping your wife. It's no wonder your wife told him to F' off a few weeks ago...she's likely relieved it's over.

Your wife certainly choose this at the outset and is fully responsible for her choices. I am in no way giving her an out. She's got her issues. However, I see this OM as having WAY more issues and I would encourage you to get and stay as far as possible. You don't have to get down and try to verbally speak your piece because when you get down with the dogs you end up with fleas (or an std). As far as I'm concerned the most you should ever say to this, er, man, ever again is "you are dead to me" and then live that out the rest of your life as though he were dead. Don't give him another brain cell of your memories. He is insignificant to the rest of your life.

It will take you a long time to get there but trust me...you have no "business" to finish with OM. He's a worm. A gnat. The idea of CLOSURE is illusory. There is no perfect thing you can say or do to him that will change the past.

Mr. W

p.s. - I'd also have deep concerns about how much he "adored" your children. Have they been informed about OM? Has OM ever inappropriately touched them as well?

p.p.s. - In the interest of full disclosure...6 or so months are dday for my wife and I, the OM in our sitch emailed my wife to cuss her out for exposing her/their behavior and apologizing to OM's ex-wife (they weren't married at the time but my wife was around her/their child a time or two). I let OM have it in one email and it did feel fairly good at the time and I don't regret it. I/we made our point that he was to never contact either of us again.

MikeSmile,

I too felt the need to confront the person who was deceiving me into believing that she was my friend while she was at the same time sneaking around with my husband behind my back. This was so incomprehensible to me that I could not just walk away from it.

I chose to confront her face to face because I felt the whole situation called for that. I needed to do it face to face and I needed to do it for my own self respect.

If you do confront him, be prepared for more lies and accusations about how it is your fault because you just weren't there for her. "We" all know that it is no excuse ... but just be prepared for it.

Also, if you think that it might escalate and you may end up socking the POS (piece of shXX) then stay away from him. Don't end up getting arrested.

Good Luck.

You know, I probably would end up hitting him, I do thinks its appropriate.

Been blowing off work a lot the past 2 weeks to spend time with my WW. Its been really great. I see how little time I actually spent with her and how much I enjoy it. Ive been in Target 3x in past week!!! Anyway, after last nights blow out I noticed her a bit meloncholy (sp?) today. It wasnt my worst lashing I given her but it was ferocious and based on the g-darn dirty details I needed to know so desperately.

I know she's done with OM and she's preoccupied with my 11 yo daughter and some of her personality shifts in the past days, but although I asked and got a resounding "no", I wonder if theres a thought about him? Then Im thinking this is the same Mr. Wonderful who taped her performing on him and basically used her for all he could for a long while, SHE CANT POSSIBLY BE THINKING OF HIM? Im chalking it up to keeping her up from 2-5am with arguing and making up last night. But, this is obviously going to be the wonder I have whenever I see her look into the distance in silence. Sucks for me.

I may be stretching here but I got that kind of time, it reminds me of an HBO movie a few years back about the Nazis and the Final Solution where they planned the execution of millions of Jews. One Nazi comtemplating what they are about to do, tells of anecdote where the moral was "once theyre gone, you may tend to miss them". Not to compare OM to the millions of dead Jews or me and my wife to Himmler and the others but, the correlation however remote struck me. What can I tell you? Im in a strange mood.

Mr. Wondering, you have my situation down to "T". No concerns about him inappropriately with my kids. But that domination thing you touch on is precisely what I see. But, there was no locks on the doors and she was not forbidden to leave. Im using a lot of the techniques in this website and I will do a better job of protecting whats mine. I wrote 2 letters to him, showed the first to my wife and she then opened up with some of the dirty details and I learned it was less dominatioin thing in the beginning. So my first letter was essentially a watered down version of what my wife thought I should know. The next letter which she read this morning has no accusations, no blame, no threats, just facts as I know them. She asked me not to sent it either.

So, either theres more to be known about the dirty details which I think is obvious, or she just doesnt want me to be in touch with OM. I told my wife last night and numerous times today, I know all that I want to know about the sex. I want to move forward.

Youre right, I have no future business with OM and I will keep my distance. He punishment will be a life with his wretched wife.

Mike, I would HIGHLY recommend you have her take a polygraph. It sends a message to the WS that the BS isn't going to accept anything less than the full truth.

The polygrapher can ask a question along the lines of "Is there anything else you are intentionally withholding?" One of the other posters chickadee did this because her H was trickle truthing her as well and there is just no way of knowing otherwise that you've got the full story.

There is more information in the Operation Investigation forum if you are interested...

HI Mike,

First there is a quick way to insert quotes. Highlight and copy the section you want to quote, then hit the " icon at the top of the insert window You will see {quote} {/quote] I used { rather than the brackets as it would have made it a quote. The copy between the quote and /quote the text you want to quote. This format also works for colors, bold, type size, etc.

Now about resentment. CV mentioned some good points. My favorite quote about resentment is the following

Resentment comes from frustration, anger, and often the feeling of powerlessness. A major source of resentment however is expectations, especially expectations that have not be acheived. You have/had expectations for your marriage and they are not being achieved right now. POJA and radical honesty are good ways to make expectations something that won't lead to resentment. Address these things and you will see that the resentment starts to fade. Take anger for example, it is a secondary emotion driven by pain, fear, frustration, etc. If you are feeling anger, search yourself to figure out what is driving it in you. Then address that feeling.

As CV said the resentment will fade IF you are taking proactive steps in your life. Recovering a marriage is a good proactive step. But, also realize that as you heal, and as time goes on, your memories will remain but the feelings attached to those memories will fade. You may decide to forgive your W and I hope you do, but you should never forget what has happened. If you forgot that how would you learn and go forward? What has to happen is your memories have to detach from the feelings associated with them. Time and patience are the key. I have often suggested that when you start to get frustrated, angry, just stay "Ok Mike T&P, T&P, T&P, ... " You will find that it will help to refocus you.

My Psychologist uses STOP...BREATHE....THINK. All good.

Well, lets talk about fear. I run a quick errand just now and as salesman on the road I spend too much time thinking. Lonely time thinking. But, on this 30 minute errand my mind starts going beserk: how many times did they do this?, what happened here?, and did they ever do this or that?. All these questions just today I told her I was done asking because 1) she said there was nothing else and 2) knowing these answers really hasnt made me any happier. And, as I said, I feel this compassion even after all she did to me and piling on is just not me. So, now I in my car and Im going crazy "why should I give one flying F how sad she is right now, I want to know more intimate stuff and if she doesnt like it, she can move out. I have a job and I doubt judges will looking very kindly on unemployed, adulterer with no family in the area." Im screaming that I should berate her and get every iota of detail I want until Im done or tell her to leave the damn house.

But, I havent finished all the material within, but I think the Dr. would frown on this.

STOP....BREATHE.....THINK.....

stop breath think. i think you are allowed you yell in your car.. alone.


What i did last week was wrote all of the questions i had down, sat with them for a few days, revised and gave it to him. he answered them all. some of the questions you have once you write them down may not be important. knowing the answers may not help you, but maybe getting them out of your head will. you can give it to her of not. it helped me this past week.

Oh, yeah. I remember being at that point.

A lot of us have been through this, you're in good company.

How do you passed the knowledge that the woman you love allowed herself to someone elses sexual plaything? I got nothing from her when I asked this question last night. I was calm, there was no screaming, just me laying out what I see as her life for the last few years.

If this progam and you are going tell to look to the future and things will begin to become less of a factor in my mind, I just dont see how.

Probably because it's a question that only you can answer.

I don't think I could in such a situation, and would likely be pursuing a D, but guess what - if someone had asked me 6 years ago if I would stay in a M where my spouse invited her OM into our home and had sex with him on our bed, on more than one occasion too, I would have likely said that I'd pursue a D as well. But as of now I'm still M'd to the same W (now a FWW).

BTW, my FWW's OM used her as well - my FWW was one of his "interim GFs" while he was waiting for his fiancee to return from overseas. And my FWW didn't get paid for her role either.

It takes a long time to get over such things, but the pain does eventually subside, the speed of which it does so depending on part on your FWW's commitment to recovery and building a great M with you. I'm just 6 years out from D-Day, and I can tell you that I am no longer "obsessed" over my FWW's acts of infidelity, even though I didn't get anywhere near the level of commitment I was looking for from my FWW.

Well, thankfully, he only ate meals and flirted with my wife in my house. The good stuff happened elsewhere.

Maybe I should be happy my wife went the extra mile to help with our finances in bad times for us? Ha ha.

That's because you haven't come to terms with past events yet. When your questions are answered to your satisfaction, you'll be able to put them in the proper context of your life and continue on to the next step.

Because adultery is so contrary to everything you built your marital reality on, it may be difficult at times to arrive at an answer that makes sense. Adultery, by definition, does not make sense. For those things, you'll have to come to a point of accepting the non-sense of the action.

Does that make sense?

you seem to be back and forth on you want to know you dont want to know, there are many unanswered questions for you , and you know hearing the answers hurts. Dont throw the answers back at her, she wont ever give you the full truth. dont get angry in front of her, go outside and scream all of the bad things you want.

would she agree to a poly? it maybe what you need to move forward.


you never told us did you get the book SAA?

I can relate how hard it is to come to terms with the most awful blow you have been dealt. I said to myself in the past i would NEVER stay with someone who cheated on me NEVER. But you dont know until you are in the situation. After D1 we began working on the program and it did work those awful thoughts that you are thinking did fade a bit, really. But it my case i just kept getting hit by a new bus as my H became more O& H. So i know the program works i had a good taste of it.

listen i am still struggling thru my own mess, but these wonderful people here will guide you, if you are willing.

your thread just stuck me.

My wife isnt a big believer in this group therapy buts its taken me off the bridge more than once inthe few days Ive been on here. I begged her to log in and tell her story so others can guide her through not just my problems, but even more importat, her problems.

We are doing fine and we will be fine. The shock gets reduced everyday and my anger and need for specifics lessens too. I will never forget and she'll know I will never forget. I will enjoy the control I have in the marriage and our family. I will not trust her one bit and will protect what is mine much more fiercely. Never was THAT GUY who needed to know where his girl was at every turn, but she turned me into THAT GUY. She ruined her freedom. If she wants me and this family this is some the crap she'll have to eat along with me as I swallow what comes with learning your wife has beeen cheating on you for 5 years. Eventually, 1 - 5- 10 years down the road we can ease the control, but it my decision when. If she doesnt like it, she can leave. Simple as that.