Hi everyone,
I first want to give you a little backround on us because from what I have read these questions do come. I have been married 13 years and we have six children ranging from 2-14. We both married young, at the age of 18 and we are now both 31 years old.
I am posting here because my H had previous EA's and very possibly a PA in our past. The PA was never proven because I confronted too early and was made to believe that I was crazy and ended up feeling like crap because I even suggested such a thing. That was five years ago. I always have been willing to do just about whatever it took to save our marriage and decided a long time ago I was in it for the long haul. Until now..Now, I just don't have it in me.
About two month's ago he started treating me horribly. I couldn't do anything right. I became the pun of his jokes and I noticed this coincided with him talking about someone he tutored in the same office with. I confronted him about his actions and its always the same. "I don't know what's wrong with me or it's not you it's me." I am so tired of hearing this. I have heard this our whole marriage. I know nothing about what he feels about anything. I know nothing went on between him and the other women. I have coverred my bases as I am no longer as nieve as I once was. I have read about love busters and fullfilling his emotional needs but I just feel like I have nothing left to give.

Welcome to MB, fc. I am sorry to hear about these events in your marriage.

Clearly, your marriage never recovered from the previous affairs because your H never admitted to them, and you never began a programme of recovery.

Do you know who the previous women were? Have you any idea whether your H is still in contact with them? For example, if they were work colleagues or neighbours, unless he changed job or you moved house, he could still be in contact with them. It does not help your state of mind not to know the details and not to know whether these threats have ever been removed from your marriage.

I suspect that his recent horrible treatment of you is due to another affair starting. You probably suspect that too, and that is why you have posted on this board.

I don't understand your sentence "I know nothing went on between him and the other women". Could you please explain? You know that there have been EAs and probably a PA in the past.

You need to find evidence of what your H is doing, and that involves snooping on his activities. You need to put spyware on the PC he uses and on his phone. We have a whole forum here that provides information on how to spy and how to use the equipment.

You seem to be saying that you have no interest in rebuilding your marriage, and that is understandable. It certainly seems as if your H has not taken the "forsaking all others" part of marriage seriously at any time. However, I would still recommend spying to find out what is going on before you make any decisions about leaving. Your six young children would be better off in their intact family - if your H can learn to behave like a husband and father should.

Did you have your first child before you were married? Was there any pressure on both of you to get married? Do you think your H wanted to get married when he did?

About two month's ago he started treating me horribly. This seems to be typical of WS's. Set up Keylogger/Cellspy ETC.
6 DC's wow. Your a busy woman. I have 3 and they are full time jobs.
If you dont want to restore your M why not? As of now all you have is suspicions. You are feeling this way about your H because you both have not been fulfilling your emotional needs. When that lacks so does the "in Love" feeling.
This Is what I think you should do. 1)CATCH HIM or at least confirm whats going on. While starting plan A. Prepare for plan B.
Quit with "I have nothing left to give" for now at least. Think back to when you two were dating and replay the motions and emotions in your mind. Recreate some of that.
Your gut is telling you something is wrong and this is where and why you must snoop.
Once you know what you are dealing with we can certainly help with a plan that will send your M to new heights. He will of course have to get on board himself to achieve this. This is where plan A comes from you as motivation. (SF is a great motivator for men if its in his top needs) Admiration is usually up there to. So admire him verbally some (even if your stretching)
How do you know there were prior EA's? (that sounds multiple) Is he a teacher or something?

Sugarcane,
Forgive me on the form I couldn't figure out how to just quote your qeustions. As far as if I knew any of the women, the answer is yes and no. Some were just online that he got way to cozy with. One specific girl he met on a online gaming thing and they exchanged pictures and hers were rather explicit. He then forwarded those to some of his friends talking about how hot she was.

Then of course there were the advertisements on sex sites asking for discreet relationships. As I said this was all years ago. The possible PA I knew he worked with her. I know he talked about her all the time and would tell me how she flirted with him.


I confronted the issue when he began to change his schedule to meet hers and even after he was promoted to another site, he made excuses to go to the main office to do paperwork as there was no computer at the new site. Of course she had to let him in the building because it was after hours. All of his behaviors led me to believe that they did indeed have an affair. Her calling him on Thanksgiving when none of his other co-workers even bothered.
The most prominant thing that stood out for me was when we ran into her at the video store and at the time I didn't know it. The funny thing was that the two women(she was with someone) kept staring at me. Every time I looked out the corner of my eye she was staring at me. Originally, I thought that maybe it was because I was huge being the fact that I was eight months pregnant. My WH kept talking to me and distracting me with these magazines. When they left the store and we were about to check out I made a comment about it. He said and I quote,"That was her, and I didn't say anything to you because I didn't want you to say anything to her." huh.....

Anyway, I never knew her last name and within a couple of weeks he was fired from his job. Needless to say he got another job and there was no further contact between them. This I am positive about.

What I meant about the fact that I know nothing went on between him and the other women, I was talking about the newest girl he was talking about all of the time. I did my due diligence with that one.

Neither of us were pressured to get married. He had asked me to marry him a year prior to us getting married. Yes, we had already had our son but we wanted to be together and a family. My parents were against it as they felt we were too young. Overall, it was our choice.

Hils,
To answer your first question.I was feeling sorry for myself at the moment. This is by far not the first program that I have looked into or started. We worked through Newlife, I should say I did. I have heard so many times to just work on me and my part that I almost couldn't bear to hear it again. I don't want my marriage to end but I am at a point that I need complete honesty. I could care less if he told me he was having an affair, did have an affair. Or even acknowledge that the EA's were an affair. If that came out I would have the biggest burden lifted. To the point that I think I would almost be happy because then I wasn't crazy. Does that make sense.

I have changed so much about myself to meet his needs, I am not sure who I am anymore or even what I believe in. I don't want to play this game anymore that is all. Like I said I was just feeling sorry for myself. I am much better today after reading through more success stories and realizing how many people truly believe in this program.


I believe there were multiple EA's because once he became infatuated. He put all of his energy into it. While at the same time becoming more distant and cold. It almost seems like any other women who shows some kind of interest sends him into lala land.No, he is not a teacher but is back in college to get his accounting degree and he work part time tutoring for the school. However, that is over now as he is moving on to another school this fall.

I talked to him about the other women who have been in his life and I tried explaning to him that I need to understand and I need to know the truth. He stil wouldn't admit that he had an affair but the weird thing was that for almost all of the women that I talked about he maintained eye contact until I mentioned the one I believed became physical. He looked down and away from me when I mentioned her name and said "yeah"..Then he said "I don't know if you know this or not but I have very low self-esteem, and I purseud her becuase I wanted her to want too, if you know what I mean>" but also said that nothing happened betweeen them. This is the first semi-real answer he has ever given me. Of course when I asked questions he didn't remember but hey that was five years ago right.

The thing is if he isn't going to be brutally honest wth me this time around I don't think I can go on anymore. I haven't said anything to him about how I am feeling right now. The male ego is fragile afterall. I just don't understand myself and why right now I just don't have those feelings for him. I have always been able to hold onto the good things about him. They were what kept me going. Please believe me when I say he is a good man in so many other ways but this has been in our closet undealt with for so long and I am not waiting for the next time to roll around to do something about it.. I just cannot take anotheer hit. The funny thing is this is all when he is trying to meet my needs again. Here I am in in the back of my mind wondering how long is this time around going to last..For now thoug I am going to work the program despite what I am screaming on the inside. Going off to make deposits in his love bank..Thanks to bot of you for replying, it feels good just to vent a little..