I may be breaking rules here: by I let my wife read all of the recent posts and even printed a few for her to keep. I asked her to post here and she agreed. So in her words, "What started years back as a glitzy romance with him taking caring of me, my family and doing the nice things I didnt get elsewhere turned into an easy situation for me. He took me out and gave me the materialistic things I loved as kid and I got swept away with him. He made me feel good and I definitely liked him. It turned sexual and because the easiness of it that included our families being close I never had concerns of it ending or someone finding out. He was my 10am - 2pm boyfriend. It got less good after a couple of years but still being easy and not wanting to ruin something I still wanted, I kept on going back. The last couple of years it turned very bad. Yes, I never left. And I say twice, I never left. He made ultimatum that for a few hundred dollars a week, lunch, and the occassion trip to the mall, Id be required to watch his kid and take care of him sexually once a week. Im glad I got caught it help me end something I was not proud of, something I couldnt end on my own, and something that I pray doesnt ruin my family. The burden on my shoulders is only removed slightly as Iam going to spend the rest of my life rebuilding my relationship with my husband that I deserted for all these years. And, try to mend whatever my children have absorbed about this. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS OM. I made a major mistake and I paying a lot. My husband is paying a lot and he didnt deserve this. The OM made a call last week for his closure and I told him to F-off. I told my H this immediately and we are moving through the process using some of the ideas from this site. People have weak moments and mine was a long time and they sometimes can destroy others. Im very lucky to be able to be in the situation Im in now with my H helping me. I have given the informaiotn hes asked for, I hope it makes him feel better knowing some of the intimate stuff. I understand I hold this big secret of years of a 2nd life. And we wont edge closer to our happiness until he knows it all. I appreciate you helping him as I really screwed up his head and he hurting so bad. If killing myself would have helped the situation, I would have done it.

Mike,

what is her username?

CV

We talked about setting her up. She's not very technical and Id doubt she write as prolifically as some of us do. Its a bit more involved than Facebook so I dont think she'd be very proactive in the forum, but I see the value and she has read a lot of posts and it may be something I get her do. But right now, if you want an answer, Id be glad to share. With you guys and her Im an open book. I learned today some of dirty details and as you predicted it neither helped nor hindered my recovery. I look forward with her because I love her and she needs me and I need to help her not ever feel so low about herself or station in life that she would get into what she got into. Thats my play 2 weeks and one day after, what do you guys call it?, D-Day? Is that the day of finding out? If so, its been 15 days.

Mike, 'She doesn't need to be a whiz at it. My dear wife is not savvy at all with forums and picked it up easily.

Are you guys talking or using the notebook for the details?

CV

I showed her the letter someone earlier posted as why I need to know. She read it and I asked questions and she answered. So we are talking the details. I told her I been humiliated for a long time she can handle a few moments descibing the sex. And CV, as my long time friend, I solemnly belived her story to be true. Learning your wife gave a buddy a weekly BJ as part of her regular nanny position was certainly an eye opener, but not completely from left field after 2 weeks of my imagination flowing.

She has no answer as to why she stayed. You can infer she enjoyed giving the WH (weekly head) but I dont think so.

He was meeting her needs so she met his. My A was about 2 years in length. My H suspected but didn't know for sure and I wrote it off as "just friends". I honestly did not want the sex, I wanted the needs he was filling to continue so I gave back what was expected for that to continue. I prostituted myself for conversation, flattery and to feel "good" about myself. The biggest problem was that left me feeling worse about myself than anything I have ever done in my entire life.

However, she could have stopped. She chose not to stop. I stopped my A at the typical two year mark. I opened my eyes just enough to know I did not want this man as a partner or to help raise my kids.

Now let me tell you as a betrayed spouse (my H had two A's one of which produced a child) that long term A's (LTA's) are very difficult to recover from. Please be good to yourself and be honest with yourself. Your WW has a lot of damage to repair to both you and your children.

Mike, your wife should start her own thread. But I'll ask her a question on yours for now - I'm not sure if this was answered or not: Mike's wife, did you go to the OM's wife and explain what you did with her husband?

Well, if you read the story of how we found out, youd know there was cell phone videoing (unbeknownst to my wife) of oral by my wife that he made and his wife was looking for baby videos and found them. So, no she has not explained herself. But, after I heard of the bjs on the video, it took 24 hours for me to learn that there was intercoarse that went on for many years. THIS I made my wife inform OM wife about. But, no explanation given nor really neeed. Her husband went for it and my wife went willingly simply said.

Mike,

Read this again, and then go back and read what you have said from the start to now. You will see some of what you said at the first is true, you also see that some of what you said was not very accurate. And I suspect some of what she said was news to you.

My point, the story will change as the fog lifts and the healing begins. I'm going to say something to you and your W, it has been my observation that in the case of long term affairs, the hardest thing for the BS to get over is the lying, not the sex. EVen harder is the feeling that a large fraction of the marriage was a lie and why you remember was a fantasy.

Those feelings have a very strong foundation, you were lied to for years. However, here is where focusing on the future, setting up plans to protect both of you, addressing her needs, and planning for a better and more fun marriage in the future really has value. It will help you overcome those other feelings I have mentioned.

I will tell both of you that recovery will take at least two years and in the case of long term affairs often longer. Now the next years won't and don't have to be like you feel now, and d-day is the day you find out.

She needs to decide if she really needs the "glitzy romance" to feel loved, appreciated, needed, valued. If she does, you two need to really talk. If she has decided she does not, what will she replace this need with? This is part of the discussion and planning that must go on. Neither of you can solve all of this in a few days or even months, it will take years. But, take your time, learn, grow, and learn how to enjoy one another.

Mike, I hope your W does post. Often the WS and the BS see the information here very differently and it is helpful for both to ask their questions without worrying to much what the other will think until the information is better understood.

God Bless,

JL

JL-

Thanks. I needed this.

I, too, hope your wife registers and posts here on MB. My wife and I both post and it's an activity we do together. Vicariously discussing and posting about the problems (and potential solutions) of others in similar situations has enabled us to work out many of the things that happened between us years ago.

Strangely, recovery is a double edge sword. You BOTH need to recover from differing things for differing reasons. Recovery can't be done alone. She needs to help you and you will need to help her.

I'm a long way down the road (5+ years) from a short term affair. I can relate on some levels and not on others. It's not a "fun" journey but it can be a worthwhile journey. My wife and family were/are worth it.

It IS possible.

Mr. Wondering

Well more revelations my WW. Not unexpected but be careful for what you ask for you just may get it. Learned about their hookup spot and how many times they;d go there. I apologize to all, Ive read her fairly incorrectly and you guys had her pegged. This is going to be long journey and to be fair Im not sure I can do it. Sorry to be so wishy washy with my love for her and my commitment to sticking around but I am growing a hatred for her I havent had since day 1. How she led this life of lying to me is beyond comprehension. Maybe be beyond what I can live with forever. I got issues. And, we figured the physical relationship started 4 years ago, not 7. Our youngest was in kindergarten when she started in his office and that was 4 years ago. Subtle difference, but the flirting for sure started years back. So, now I can say it was a 4 yr affair, makes me feel less crappy, but not entirely uncrappy.

Mike,

Did you consider a polygraph, so you can move on or not depending on the outcome?

One thing I have noticed, not to excuse your W, is that some OM seem to take a sadistic joy not in getting the woman, but in getting another man's wife. They seem to be competing with the H, it's almost a gay thing.

God Bless
Gamma

"I'm sorry for you Mike. The only reason any of us had her "pegged" is because we've been in similar shoes. May I give you a bit of encouragement that may not sound like it right now? She is coming clean. That is a good thing. She may be embarrassed, shamed and depressed every time she recounts this. This will be one of the signs of her true repentance. Also her willingness to give the info."

i have also been in your shoes, its hard. my H came clean, i am gonna say 8x. its alot to deal with.

you are right you asked for it, i did too, but it doesnt make it easier to hear, but in the end its better for you so you can begin to heal.

you will see that these VETS are tough, but they pretty much have seen it all and are here to guide us newbes on what to do, whats normal and whats not. they do it with our best interest at heart.

lost alot of weight, heart palps, no sleep. roller coster sucks! stay here, vent and use this forum for you and your healing, it helps, trust me.

"I got issues"- you have issues because of what she did. remember that.

look you cut 3 years off the relationship by communicating. you can do this.

Hi Mike,

Of course you are not sure you can do it. I would be very worried about you if you were confident that you could do this. Mike recovery is hard work. I can assure you that there are a few other things for you to learn from her. As others are pointing out, she is starting to tell the truth. It is hard for her to do so as it means she must face the truth and that can be pretty ugly (like that? pretty ugly ) my English teacher would cry.

You are on the rollercoaster, buckle up it is a challenging ride.

Mike the good news for you, is that most WS do and say almost exactly the same thing and that means if the Harley approach will work for a few it can work for the many.

Hang in the Mike.

JL

She swears theres nothing left to know. About 4 years or so, she started in her office, it was a very good times for and it evolved to sex. About 5x they went out after work, which is interesting as I little recollection of her going on but I guessed she said she was seeing an old friend or some other lie. This location was a high steak house that had attached inn. They brought dinner and in and whatever. This did this at least 5 times. The rest of the time was in his office and when she took the nanny job, in his house. It was mainly oral on him and a smattering of intercoarse throughtout. The last 2 yrs in his home as the nanny was a weekly bj only. I can hear that she was not happy with the home arrangement and she began to resent him, but she didnt leave him. I dont know what other revelations are next but Im really not happy. Im not i want to stick around anymore with someone with as little regard for me as this one had. I assume if Im gone, she'd contact him eventually and she can continue to be his side action maybe he has enough money to carry 2 families. I despise her. She ruin my life and my childrens.

Facilitating back and forth with Angers are all normal for BS's. Resentment is a tough road. I wish I could tell you how to get over it but somebody would have to tell show me.
With this depth of deception Im sure its tough. But dont make decision based on slices of time. Dont let feelings make decisions either.
I skimmed since your original post but if your WW is willing to make compensation then for you DC I think its a educated gamble you must take. Thats just me and its not a one size fits all
Make her do the heavy lifting, set your boundaries and make sure she understands them. Then in TIME this resentment will pass and you may have the M you have only dreamed of.
My heart goes out to you! From a BH to a BH. I do understand!

I remember now. Thanks, Mike.

I wouldn't bet on that. Trickle-truth is the last weapon in the wayward arsenal. They'll swear on a lie because they "don't want to hurt you." Which is funny, when you think about it. If they didn't want to hurt you they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

In any event, she may have told you everything as she sees it. You may want more information, or you may want her to expand on a part of her disclosure. That's up to you, and she needs to give you any information (truthfully) that you require.

{{{Mike}}} All the post-D-Day discussions and the new revelations are a [censored]. We know that. Again, I would suggest that you keep all of your options open, and decide not to make any long-term decisions right now.

After my D-Day, I would turn over my options, and I found it comforting to know that I reserved the right to divorce my H. Deep in my heart I knew I wouldn't, but it gave me a sense of control in a very 'out of control' time in my life.