And you'll end up divorced. You can NOT hold this over her head indefinitely. There will come a point when you should NOT bring it up if you want to continue to move towards recovery.

Are you following the MB plans?

Agreed. Why not build an affair-proof, romantic marriage instead?

Marriage Builders is not about control.

Mike, you and your WW need to understand that we are not professionals. Nor are we therapists. We are survivors of adultery. This is not group therapy. We support here, but we don't do therapy here on this forum. (Although many would argue, and successfully, that our peer support is a sort of therapy.) Dr. Harley does therapy. He rarely posts here. If you want to pursue therapy, Dr. Harley is your fastest pony. Skip your local therapist - they typically have NO clue on how to heal a marriage, and often do more damage than good.

Having said that: BOTH of you have a ways to go to build a strong, loving, affair-proof marriage. You can do that here. The tools are here.

Mike,

You have several things backwards here and that is causing you some pain. You said She was NOT his plaything, he was her play thing just as much. You keep forgetting that she did this because she wanted to. She acknowledged as much. This is normal for a WS.

She was NOT some submissive woman that had no control. She had as much as he had. After all all she had to do was tell his W what was going on and he was in trouble and she did not. So you are looking at this wrong.

She did it because she wanted to, plain and simple. What you want is for not to "want to" with anyone but you. That takes work on both sides.

You also said

With all due respect Mike, that has to be the dumbest dang thing I have ever heard. I mean this is just dumb. If you don't want the marriage divorce her now, it won't ease the pain but you won't waste your life trying to control your W. If you do want to remain married, and she allows you to control her, you will eventually lose her and you won't have had a good marriage in the process.

You should do NOTHING to control her, IF you want to know if she is for real. If she is going to cheat again, you want it to happen NOW, not a decade down the road when you have finally unchained her. What is the matter with you man, you afraid to play to win.

What is a win? You win if you have a loving W that you don't have to control to show she loves you. You win if you find out she is a cheating slut and she cheats real soon so you don't waste years on her. Your strategy is a failed one and will only guaruntee that you will NEVER have a good marriage.

She is putting up with your control now, because she is so ashamed of herself and feels guilty. That will pass as does your pain and when it does, you will only generate resentment and that will end this marriage in a very bad way.

Come on Mike, play to win.

God Bless,

JL

The mood swings are making me look pathetic as I read my back posts. I will lay off the blog a bit and try to figure stuff out on my own. Thanks all.

Mike,

The mood swings are normal. You are not pathetic, your reactions are normal. We are used to them, hence we post and try add ballast to your thoughts to slow down the swings.

You don't have to do this on your own, that is why folks are here posting to you. We think two very important things:
1. You are worth the effort.
2. Your marriage can be saved in such a way that both you and your W can be happy.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

MS, before you go, I'd like to say that I was the one who wielded the heaviest brick-bat at you early on. The MS from back then cannot hold a candle to the MS of today.

Thought you should know.......

i agree thank you NG!

mike- stop breathe think... this is a good place for you now.

Agreed, JL. From what I've read here, it seems perfectly reasonable for him to be thinking this, what, 2-3 weeks after D-Day?

Moving past that, and feeling safe again, is the hardest part, in my opinion.

Question for you MS-- are you able to verify NC (keylogger, cell phone software)? Are *all* phone numbers changed and his number blocked? With only a short time since the affair, I'm worried for you and hope you have your bases covered.

Maybe its an omen, but for the first time in 15 years I was able to get her some clothes for birthday today and she just came down wearing them and she 1) loves what I picked out, and 2) isnt going to return them the store. In the sea of crapola Im swimming in I will take any signs from above Im in the right direction.

I do thank everyone for all thoughts and sticking with me as I work conquer these demons.

Mike,

If anyone us were to read through our own threads we would all look weak and out of control, it is a devastating thing we try to deal with here, just like a death, we all act differently just to survive..........
Hey I think that is a great little step, her b-day something nice from you and she appreciates it.......
that is how it works, little by little and sometimes it's next to nothing that moves you one step forward.........the trick is being patient and hanging in there, every relationship needs a hero..........be the one right now.............
stay and get the support .......
jessi

Another thing that popped up yesterday is offering me a mixture of angst, pain, and other emotions undefinable. As I mentioned OM had a lot of income so it shouldnt be a major surprise that he bought her stuff. So, I learned about a piece of jewelry he got her a few years back that she sold to a jewelry store for $800 yesterday. So, 1) how much did he value my wife to deserve this jewelry, 2) she must have made him very happy and 3) holy cow, $800 in a sell-back must have been $2,000 when he got it for her. Aside from the wedding ring, I havent spent anywhere near that on jewelry for her all years combined. (She sold before letting me see it. I was pissed about that.)

Again, serves to demoralize me even more but it will pay for dinner tomorrow night when we are out alone for her bday.

So, shes following the plan in most respects by breaking off any ties current and former.

Yay.

Agreed. and for some reason everytime I see "hero" I insert "super" in front of it.... Must be all the comics...

Mike, if it help, using Jessi's analogy, I was the same way for the 1st year after i found out...

I began as "the hulk", moved to "the Punisher", and right now what you need to remember is that you need to be a Spider-man and that with great power comes great responsibility...

Sounds trite, but think about it. You hold all the cards, and how you use them will define the next several years of your relationship.

Cv

Yeah, well... you know what? You won. 2k piece of jewelry didn't mean much in the end did it? She saw something more valuable in you and stayed with you. That says something about you Mike. Financially, we have struggled most of our lives. only had a few spots over the last 21 almost 22years of marriage. Last OM made 2x as much as me, but only spent 20bucks on a pendant for FWW from Walmart... But a lot or a little, it doesn't matter, it was a manipulation tool. Your worth is found in who you are, not how much you spend on a trinket.

We did a house purge... Collected everything that W wore around OM, everything he might have given her (which consisted of a dollarstore candle, yeah,this guy was a winner), and everything that might have been associated with the A and burned it out back...

Mike,

I havent spent anywhere near that on jewelry for her all years combined.

My W and I were talking about gifts last night, and since we've recovered our marriage they no longer matter. Gifts are often a sign of a relationship lacking in sincerity or equality.

And speaking about gifts what about the gift of remaining a steady and supportive husband for all those years that you got NOTHING back.

You need to purge every gift from OM as well.

God Bless
Gamma

Mike,

If I may add, from all the help I received from the vets here...

The WS knows you hold the 'get of of this marriage free' card and can walk anytime...BUT, if you decide to recover the M, you will be the only one carrying the load for what seems like an eternity. I didn't think this, but the vets told me and were right.

They also told me it would make me a better man, husband, father -- which it did...and, they told me my WS would eventually clear the fog and SEE I was the 'hero' and it would make a world of difference in recovering the M.

And it has.

Stay strong.

I'm in a profiling mood... If I'm Spider man, Help's become Captain America... Just be the best you can be. There is an old Irish saying I am fond of... "you can ask so much of a man, and nothing more". All we are asking is for you to give what you have in the best way you can.

The masochist in me took a quick run over to the jewelry store (she should not have told which store it was) and, of course, I needed to see what he got her. I then spent 10 minutes crafting a brutal text to her at work which i sent. First, she told me she never wore it, BS, Ive seen it on her and I have picture of her wearing it. Im ready to go crazy. Stop, breathe, and thinking isnt working.

CV and all, your words are being heard by me, but my emotions are overriding the sanity you are preaching. Im just going nuts.

Bro, go get a coffee, relax and think about something else. There will be trickle truth (has any BS here NOT experienced it to a degree?). Just read a book or something. Get your mind off of it. It's just a thing. A piece of metal and rock or whatever. It could have the hope diamond in it and its still worthless compared to a loving husband.

And send your wife an apology for your angry outburst.

Hi MikeSmile!

You have been getting some very good advice from the MB posters.

I would like to offer you a piece of advice that I received
that really helped in the early part of recovery...

Right now your mind is constantly thinking about the A.

You MUST be able to put a dividing line between the A and recovery.

Take a notebook and PENCIL WITH ERASER and find a quiet corner.

Ask yourself with all honesty and no sarcasm WHAT your W can do RIGHT NOW to give yourself some time to let the healing begin.

For ME it was to get away from my ex-brother and the rest of the family and the situation with all of the reminders of his A with Mrs.Flint for awhile...

AND...

For her to give me UNDIVIDED attention without the pressures of family and friends being a CONSTANT reminder of their affair.

We went on a one week vacation just the two of us and without the pressures were able to have LOTS of SF and doing things OTHER THAN TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR that we both enjoyed without the constant reminders of the affair.

Dr.Harley recommends a vacation for just the two of you and it's great advice!!!

God bless.

Jim