Hello,

My wife's feelings for a co-worker became romantic over the last few months. They are both teachers and are in classrooms next door to each other. Supposedly the affair did not get anymore physical than a hug, but they did meet outside of work 6 times at restaurants to hang out.

She has committed herself to working on our marriage and has cut off all contact with him except when professional contact is required at work such as staff meetings. She told him that she would be cordial if they passed in the hall but otherwise all contact would stop. I feel like we can work through this, but the problem is that she admitted that she loves him and also finds him more physically attractive than she finds me. She also admitted that she wishes she could have both of us, but knows that it is not an option.

My works very close to home and really loves her job and works with many of her best friends. She has agreed to find another job to get away from the OM, but right now teaching jobs are few and far between. The ones that we have found available are an hour from our house. The travel to and from these jobs and the stress of a new job could possibly hurt our marriage. The other option is she can switch classrooms to be farther away from the OM. We already were making plans to move if the economy would allow, but not for another year or two.

I am hoping some of you have experience as to whether or not it is realistically possible for her to get over the OM while still seeing him from time to time at work. My fear is that seeing him or hearing about him will cause her to never be able to get over him. This will obviously make recovery from the affair impossible. She thinks that she can get over him without switching jobs, but I think she is just being optimistic about it and deep down does not want to leave. She is sad when she comes home everyday because she is going to miss a job that she has put a bunch of work into and also has a lot of close friends.

If she needs to switch jobs she will, but it will be very difficult for both of us if she does.

From those of your who have dealt with this, what are your thoughts?

Yes. She needs to change jobs.

End of story. No more questions.

If you think you can "handle it" you are wrong. If she thinks she can "handle it" she's wrong.

Her actions have poisoned her life irreparably, the solution is to move away from the pollution.

Lose the job.

Move to another city, another state if possible.

They cannot ever see each other again without endangering your M. Even if they truly wanted to end the affair, even just glancing at each other will trigger the addictive feelings and thoughts and it means there is no chance for recovery.

Sorry to also say: Please also be aware that if they have met outside of work, you should probably just assume that the affair has become physical unless you followed them and know they actually went to those restaurants.

Waywards lie lie and then lie some more. Most WSs who work with the OP use the tactic that your W is using, insisting the A has ended and that all contact is strictly "professional". They will say and do what they need to to get you to back down and let them continue seeing the OP at work. My H did this. He ended the phone/texting part of the A but continued the flirting and intimate conversation while at work and we made no progress in our R.

Is this OM married???

She needs to change jobs if you want to recover your marriage and prevent the affair with the OM from going further. And it will go further. Recovery is impossible as long as they work together. I have been here for 10 years and have never seen a marriage recover when the affairees still saw each other. But I can count to numerous affairs that grew into long term affairs because of this. In some the wayward wife or the OW got pregnant as a result of the affair. Is your wife still of child bearing age?

Continuing to work with the OM is about like a recovering alcoholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and expecting to get sober. Ain't gonna happen! Will power did not protect your wife in the past and it won't protect her in the future.

Anyway, she should only switch jobs if you are interested in recovering your marriage. If not, I would get divorced NOW because you are facing a life of holy hell when she goes off to be with her lover every day. It is to die a death of a thousand cuts. The opportunity will be right under her nose every day. And she will be triggered EVERY DAY.

This is what Dr Harley has to say about NC:
[emphasis mine]

Your wife is also extremely unprofessional and would be viewed as a loose cannon in the corporate world. Anyone who is stupid enough to have an affair in workplace is a walking legal liability. Your wife has likely ruined her reputation by being so unprofessional at work anyway.

Do the parents of her students know she has such dreadful bad judgement?

Is the OM married and if so, does his wife know what your wife has done to her?

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Steve, take a listen to what Dr. Harley has to say about this to Brad in Ohio here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

(If you want to hear part one, it's here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=651 ... Brad's call starts at 3:30)

She can keep her Job but he must leave or she must. Can you run him off?

Thank you everyone. There was some very thoughtful insight provided and I appreciate it. I agree with what everyone has said, but had wanted to put it out there to make sure I wasn't over-reacting.

You are not over-reacting, friend. She needs to leave that job. Don't screw around and let her buy time by sending out resumes while she continues to work, either. It needs to be immediate. It is THAT important.

Maybe but the OM working with your wife definitely WILL hurt your marriage.

Contact empowers continued self-denial and self-deception.

ALL CONTACT MUST END.

Any kind of contact continuing means that the affair is not ended.

I learned it in a hard way, you have the possibility to learn from my mistakes not yours.