heres the plan in womewhat chronological order.
tonight-send out all key emails

wake up (if i sleep)
eat(if im hungry)

give wife a letter (ill post it after this)

head "to work"
on way, call OM mom and try to connect, send text if that doesnt work.

get to her job.
confront him letting him know i know its still going on, make references to texts hes sent that not only talk crap about me, but invoke my son. let him know i will do what it takes to fight for my family, let him know that he had his chance to back away, that anything that happens henceofrth is on him...maybe tell him his mom knows or his wief knows...though id rather he not and that sneak up on him...

go to wifes supervisor, texts her friends...tell several other coworkers who she/we are friends with...


head to family law appt in after noon...deflect all texts and calls from wife...drop off copies of thext to OM mom if nesacarry.

go home, avoid wife..play with son...pray to god...


i wont confront himat his house because i know he owns firearms...the job is safest and ill do it in a very civil and controlled manner, itll be short and sweet...

thats the plan..people know me at her job, ive hung out with her coworkers on numerous occasions, and as danny ocean said, i know they people he knows, they like me better...


hes really not a liked person by alot of the coworkers...


ill post letter next tell me what you guys think..

i may revise this a bit more before tomorrow...


My Dear WS,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OM possible. There have been a few things I have realized over the past few months. Alot of it is what I've really done wrong to you in our marriage. Alot of it is how the responsibilities of a child and new home inadvertently changed me from a happy go lucky roll with the punches person to a controlling manipulative individual who wanted the world to go a certain way so that I may protect the ones I loved. Unfortunately that backfired.

As well I realize that when that started happening, it changed how I interacted with you. How I held things in. How our lines of communication changed. How I became resentful because there was only so much time in the day, and you would go to bed early, and I'd just want to spend a little more time with you, and I felt when you went to bed that you was rejecting me. How I didn't share the simple things with you. How I wanted to give you everything and give Ian this perfect world, all while mine was crumbling. How I lost track of the things that made us fall in love with each other in the first place. How I put romance on the backburner, or should've scheduled more couples time. How I neglected your needs and didn't make you feel safe, secure, needed, wanted, loved, or protected. How when I offered suggestions or tried to fix things, you took it as criticism. How I should have learned to just shut up, stop lecturing, and JUST LISTEN. How I ended up pushing you away. How I should stop complaining and trying to control things and just accept life for what it is, enjoy it and take it as it comes. How I didn't satisfy your emotional needs. How I came off as critical of you and the things you did. How it hurt you when it seemed that I didn�t want to share how my day went, or how I was feeling sometimes, of just my emotions. I know it bothered you when you always tried to help me and it seems like I didn�t need you, when in fact I just couldn�t tell you effectively that I did, without seeming weak to you.

And I�ve learned. I�ve been willing to avoid the mistakes of the past, and create a newer, better, stronger marriage and family. A better relationship. A better friendship. But it seems as if that will never happen now.



I see you�ve made your decision. You may not have said it, but your actions have proved it. You have decided that he is more important than any kind of relationship with me. As much as you have said you�re slowly getting over him, I know you�ve been leaving early in the morning to meet up with him before work, and then going in an hour later. I know coworker/friend has been acting as a go between for you two with calls and texts to make it seem like you�re not in contact. I know you�ve still been going to lunches with him. I know that you�re going to therapy not for WS sake, but for his sake, with the hopes of getting him back, that you guys are on �pause� till you both heal. I know about the CD. I know you�ve been going to his mom for advice.. And I know this is all still going on.

I can no longer sit by and watch this happen. I can no longer stand the lies, the sneaking around, the secret texts, the deleting of those texts and calls. The charade that your number is blocked, and the utter lack of respect. The things you�ve been doing and the relationship you are continuing with him are completely unacceptable.

You must understand the emotional pain that this has put me through. To watch the one I trusted the most continue to hurt me this way. To see someone who I thought I knew so well, become so entirely different. To see the love of my life, a sweet, caring, loving, trusting, honest, nurturing person consumed with mistrust, dishonesty, lies, and betrayal. And to watch the love you had for me placed with someone else. To know that you desire another person, to be intimate and private in ways only you and I were, and to watch what love you have for me fade away. Because of all this I've lost myself. My sense of honor and integrity. Who I am. I allowed you to rip away my self esteem. My self confidence. The specialness you made me feel is gone. But at the same time I should not have needed you to make me feel special. Or anything else. That fell on me. Conversely I�d want to feel special and unique to you again. But at the end of the day, I don�t know if that can happen as it is too much pain for me to continue to bear, as the past few months have done more damage than I can now handle..


I can no longer continue a relationship of any kind so long as you want one with him and are in contact with him. This includes any kind of friendship. Because of this any contact we have should strictly be about Ian and basic household stuff henceforth. I know as of now neither of us can afford to leave so I think this is the best course of action. I hope you can respect this and I�m sorry this has to be in the form of a letter, but this is the only calm way of doing this. I�m not going to subject you or Ian to another round of arguing. This is more than backing off. I�m simply done. I�ve done all I can, but I can no longer do it anymore. This has eaten at the core of who I am. My soul is tired.


If you are ever willing to permanently separate from OM and are willing to go through the measures to ensure that separation, then a discussion to rebuild any kind of relationship can be discussed.

I would�ve wanted us to rebuild our marriage, to rekindle our love, to strengthen our family, to raise our son together, to continue to add to the charm bracelet, to continue to grow together. I would�ve loved to be able to meet each others emotional needs and to learn from our past mistakes and to avoid hurting each other anymore. I would�ve wanted to build a relationship where we could both make each other happy. I would�ve wanted to continue to be your best friend, some one who is there for you when you need me, to support you when you needed it. And I wanted you to be my best friend. But now we can�t even continue a friendship.

I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you to this day. But I cannot continue any kind of relationship so long as you continue to see Devin.


With My Love.

BS

I know you want to express allot but I think you almost have to be direct and to the point with WW fog in a letter.

I completely know your still involved with this POSOM. I have the evidence.
Here are my conditions to remain in the M.

1) Commit to No Contact for life with this POSOM
2) Leave your Job Immediately
3) Commit to a plan of Recovery from an MC that specializes in Recovery of a marriage after an affair.

Unless these terms are met I will file in court for Divorce based on the grounds of adultery/mental abuse (depending on your state).I will depose this POSOM on stand. I will be seeking the marital assets. Sole custody and any Alimony or child support I can get.
If you wish to be with him then pack your belongings and move out of our home.I love you amd MY FAMILY and this is what it will take for ME to remain in this M.
Sincerly, PISSEDoffBS

Then Go drop the E bomb.

\

That is the kind of plan that could land you in jail real quick. Sorry, but I disagree this is a good plan. What if he loses his temper in the workplace? Then what? There is no reason to confront the OM in the workplace, that is just a high drama distraction that is completely unncessary. All that is neccessary here is a nice letter delivered to some key targets in the workplace.

I give up. It sounds like you have your own plan and don't need us.

nothing is set in stone till its done, i appreciate all opinions, but i have to talk to key figures in the store in person....

the reality though too is, by confronting him, if only to tell him that i knkow, if only to tell him to stay away from my family, if only to tell him there are repercussions to his actions, itll help me get back some control in my life, itll help me move on if nescasary, itll make me feel as if ive done all i can to save my marriage...

becuase not much else has worked, shes deep in the fog, she wants to be friends...and as i watch this happen, im losing my mind...


absoutley nothing could come from this tomorrow,

but as some body else put it, if i do nothing, then something will come of this, just not the something you want...

The reality is, is that such confrontations never go the way you expect them to go.

For example, you could make yourself the laughing stock of the office, of the OM decides to turn the situation around and make it look like you were too inadequate to meet your WW's needs, and that's why she went looking elsewhere.

I STRONGLY suggest that you listen to the advice of the vets here, and stop yourself before you make a bad situation much worse.

elph, basically, you want to tell OM

• you know he's doing your wife
• you want it to stop, or there will be repercussions

You want to do it in person because........?

Do yourself a favor. Drop the dream of the histrionics - the "fear in his eyes", his "dawning realization of your seriousness", the "mano-a-mano showdown". (Cue the music from "High Noon".)

Accomplish much more by TELLING THE WORLD of the affair - the repercussions will follow of their own accord.

We only want the best for you.

Do not give your wife that letter! Elph, do you want help to do this the right way, or not??? It is too soon to give her a letter like that! Have you been reading here??

ITA with Melody - don't approach this loser at work. He is in his element. You are out of it and will be looked at as an interloper.

Elph, don't go off half-cocked. That will come back to bite you.

Well a few things have happened this afternoon. She went to her therapy session. She text her friend afterward that the therapist help her find herself and help her understand amd accept That not everybody is gonna like her decision. That she shouldn't compromise or settle for her happiness. Through her friend he let her know he loved her and she was awesome.

So it may be too late. Her decision seems to have been made. It's Nother punch in the gut.

It is questionable now to confront him. He's likely to just laugh in my face and I was unable to save my marriage. There's not much I can say though I still want to defend my family.

However exposure is still planned. Tell her supervisors and her co workers. I've already talked to hr. She's told a few close ppl at work that she's been unhappy in our marriage but I think their plan is for u's to separate and the. Wait a while and make it seem like they just came together. If anything I can put a squash to that though. Let ppl know what's really been going on.

As for th letter. I can't sit here knowing that she's just waiting to tell me. Knowing what's going on and exposing them will lead to a fight anyway. I'm better off letting her know that she's lost me as a friend. And in reality I can't sit here and continue to watch this love affair. I'd rather let reality hit her in the face and get her out of this house and let her learn what a big mistake she's making.

The letter will let me get out how I feeling. Setting the boundary is pointless because she's made her decision. And she doesnt care shell just keep seeing him.

My marriage may be over. I'm moving into plan b/ hardcore 180. But I don't have to make it easy for them.



Fffuucccccccc. I just can't believe this is happening. I wasn't a bad husband. I made some mistakes. That letter is pretty honest but we coulda worked it out. I just cant believe it.

I wanna be with her. I wanna work it out but at the same time I'm so angry I don't k ow if I could. ESP if they have some sort of long relationship. And all thestuff they might do. What we used to do. Arghhhhhhh.

Angry won't help. Go back and read (and implement) the advice that you've been given. A "hardcore 180" has nothing to do with Plan B.

I want you to go and retrieve your man-bits from whatever cupboard they are stored in, reattach them, and make a stand.

Quit laying around, whining, and watching it crumble.

Expose far and wide, confront the OM, confront WW, and get off your backside.

And what do I say when I k ow a decision has been made. Somebody else was right. I'll look like a laughing stock.

I'll say hey man leave my wife alone.
And he'll lAugh going. I already have her she's mine. She made her choice. I won

And my wife will prove that true.

Mybest bet is to expose and make their relationship uncomfortable as possible.
I'm looking into legal separation so I can get her out. I don't want to look at he or see her while this is going on. Bu I can't kick her out. ESP with our child. I want to but I'm not letter her take my son to be raised by him for one second. The problemis all the legal bs.

Elph you do not let on what you know of her plans to leave , you do expose especially to his mother and family, cover her friends and management as well. Once done confront her , your letter is to long and implies that you have given up. Be clear she pack her bags, your son stays with you, ensure she knows you will fight with every fibre to protect your son from her adultery and will fight for full custody and zero contact with the OM.

Once she leaves you go dark the schedule for your son is controlled by you with a no contact proviso with the OM.

but i know shes made her decsion of who she wants to be with because shes continued the affair. something i will not tolerate. and for the most part i have given up.

its hard when she tells you she doesnt love you anymore, and how can you be in a loveless marriage.

heck she wont even let me peek when shes taking a shower!!!

i can tell her to pack her bags, but whos gonna make her go. i cant force her out...physically at least. and i know she wont leave without her son, but he aint going anywhere. he didnt cheat so why should he leave his house. an i will fight...im geting my options tomorrow afternoon...

the letter says i have given up, but ive changed, and ther is a chance, but it comes with a pproviion..

shes not gonna go NC with the OM. ive tried that, she just went more underground. untrackalbe landlines. sending messages through friends like it high school...

ill be going inhous dark till she moves out excet when my son is up

Change. Her. Mind.

You have homework to do. Quit catastrophizing and half-assing. Stop all activity, and follow the advice given.

if theres on thing i ve learned is that its very difficult to change peoples minds. and you cant force people to fall in love with you.

im dealing with a Sue here. i cant get through to her...shes dead set on being with the OM. she hasnt ended contact, she wet more underground after i revealed that i knew. she told her friend that shes happy and comfprtable with her decision, even though it would mean losing her family too...

the affair is still going on and i dont deserve to sit and watch it while she in the house...were living here as friends. shes totally withdrawn from me..likei said, she wont even let me look at her in the shower.

she even said we could be like bruce and demi...


im not going to confront him, but im going to expose, and i am going to let her know, via letter that i know its still going on...and that im not going to tolerate it anymore, im done...

maybe the though of her losing her best friend(me) will shock her out of it, or not...but i cant sit by and watch this anymore

5 days have gone by and you still haven't expose. Look, there is a certain order of steps you have to take for getting your marriage back. First is to kill the affair by exposing it.

By doing nothing and whining how done you are, you are actually sending your WW a message that you are a whimp, that you are done in words but not in actions, that you care more about your FACE than your marriage and her.

I was a wayward wife and by exposing my affair my H did something unimaginable to me - he saved me from myself. My so-called decisions back then were just emotions and whims, nothing else. Exposure - if done right, all at once to all people who can have a true influence on your WW - will shock WS's and give them the taste of reality, where they really have to decide. Most of the OM/OW's meant the affair to be fun with no strings and life-altering decisions attached. Since most of them are idiots and cowards, they will dump the WW and run. Because this was not what they had in mind! You have every chance to save your marriage.

i was going to do it last week. things jsut happened that didnt fall i place with the original plan...ie i was going to confront, but he went home sick...in retrospect maybe thats a good thing.

as for them. Hes divorcing his wife..to be with my wife. hes said so in text.i think they have every desire to be together.
do i thnk its a fantasy. absolutley, but theyll have to face it and fall on their face...will he coward down after exposure...i think so, but the way my wife talks, she sure as heck doesnt seem any more intersted in being with me than she did on d-day.

all i need is a chance, an opening.but right now i cant crack through.

its like throwing rocks at a battleship...


"will shock WS's and give them the taste of reality, where they really have to decide"

and i think her decision is to go with the OM

Right.

You will NEVER have your chance if you give them ALL the chances to end up together.