I'm lost..I just found out my wife of 20 years cheated on me three times with a co-worker (about 2 weeks ago)when I finally figured out something was amiss and confronted her after doing some phone records research. She admitted to having an affair over the last 2 weeks but it started out as a friendship with a male co-worker about 7 months ago when they started texting after she covered a shift for him at work.
After she was confronted they both dropped each other like hot potatoes and by all appearances there has been no contact by either side. She states that she felt lonely and our marriage had become disconnected and felt like we were just going through the motions. When I first started to confront her about the phone calls which were really text messaging back and forth with her deleting them after receiving them. She tried to blame everything on me. See.. our marriage was really pretty good until I returned from a tour in Iraq about 3 years ago and about 1 year ago I was diagnosed with combat PTSD from my experiences in the war. It was very hard for me to seek help for this condition as I was in denial for a very long period of time feeling numb, unemotional and haunted by nightmares and flashbacks with little sleep.
When I told my wife about this and started seeking help my doctor told me that I needed to talk to her about what happened to me over there. She never wanted to talk about it and I told her this was part of my treatment, she seemed to resent the fact that I had someone to talk to about it and told me this. I told her she could seek counseling too and often spouse's of PTSD people do that. She never the less used this I feel as an excuse for her affair.
Looking back over the past 7 months it seems crystal clear why this happened as I wasn't meeting her emotional needs because I felt hurt for her not wanting to help me when I needed her the most.
She seems genuinely regretful and remorseful for actions and begs me to work things out with her although I'm not sure I can at this time because I'm haunted by her affair and betrayal. I've known her for 23 years and we've been married for 20 of those years (with 2 teenage boys) and I've never suspected anything before. I need advice and some direction on whether I should give this a chance as it seems my heart has been torn in two by the deceit, betrayal and betraying me when I needed her the most. Also she no longer works at the same place as this co-worker as he's in a city about 45 miles away although they still work for the same company. She and I have both told our friends and parents as well as the children. I kicked her out of the home for about a week then I let her back to work on things but I'm not sure I can do this and forget what happened, it seems like a nightmare. We have marriage counseling setup so we can try to work on this but I'm not sure I want or can live with this burden. Any advice would be appreciated.

Read all you can on the site and print out the questionaries and work together to communicate and help each other through all the feelings you both will have......
There is lots of great advice here and maybe the two of you could post your stories and get independent help from others in your positions.
This is salvagable but it will take some time and effort and both parts, what you are feeling is understandable and reasonable.....and very normal
Adultery is a very hurtful thing, but look at it as an opportunity to get the marriage you really want for both of you.
Every marriage needs a hero. Every marriage needs a stong one to pull you through the tough times............
23 years together is worth at least a look see where it might go..........throwing in the towel is easier but you might find life will be much better with a little effort on both your parts.
good luck and welcome aboard.....
jessi

Sorry you are here bbp72.

Start reading here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Order the book Surviving an Affair (SAA) from this site, or Amazon, or whatever.

If I were you, I would do coaching through MB coaches, or sign up for the online program - it will be a much better utilization of your finances than a "counselor" who will blame you and justify her.

You already have one set of events placing you under the duress of PTSD, and infidelity is another thing which can cause the same thing.

Does your doctor have you on any medications to help you with your PTSD? Anti depressants? Anti anxiety? Beta Blockers?

Sorry you are here but welcome.


Can you give us more detail on what happened here? Since you don't mention moving yourself, does this means the OM moved away in the last couple of weeks?





Have you checked out the link for how to choose a marriage counselor up in the (I think) Q&A section? I would be very careful using a MC. They usually don't understand the dynamics of affairs or how to recover from an affair unless they have read Dr Harley's books. They also tend to focus on the past and communcation while MB focuses on affair proofing and restoring passion back to the M.

bbp72,

First, I am sorry this has been happening in your life. Thank you for your service in Iraq. I think it is a very good thing that your PTSD has been diagnosed and you are in treatment for it. There are so many that are suffering without getting help. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD about a year after his last deployment and is currently on anti-depressants and in group therapy. He had an affair during his last deployment which led to him taking an early retirement.

I can understand your uncertainty about what to do next. I had always thought that if my H cheated on me, I would divorce him immediately. However, when it actually happened, it was not what I decided to do. I had read the book, "Surviving an Affair", which reveals the possibility of recovering a marriage to something better than it ever was. Definitely read this book and the materials on this website before making a final decision. More than three years ago, I decided to commit to working on the marriage for at least two years and then re-evaluate. We still have a teenager at home and that weighed heavily in my decision.

Welcome to marriagebuilders - the best place to be for people who don't want the circumstances that brought them here.

AM

By the way, I suggest you check your phone records for the last several months and see if your wife's story makes sense to you. People in affairs tell an extraordinary amount of lies and recovery really can't start until there is ground truth.

bbp72,

Just a heads up. Affairs can cause the betrayed spouse to suffer symptoms very much like PTSD. Tell the people helping you what is going on in your life right now. They should be able to assist you with problems this affair has caused with the PTSD.

Give this time and have patience. YOu are just starting this and you will be on an emotional rollercoaster for months yet. Don't make any rash decisions for awhile.

Please read the articles on this site they will help you see the patterns that all affairs go through. It will help you see courses of action that you can take to help yourself, your W, and the marriage.

Don't speed read this stuff. It seems simple but it is in fact very subtle. Read and come as questions. The folks here will help you understand.

God Bless,

JL

I'm so sorry you've found it necessary to join us.

I'm assuming you're still receiving some sort of assistance in dealing with your PTSD. It would be vital to inform your medical support of this new stressor in your life.

Additionally, take the following steps:

• Continue/begin a workout/gym protocol. One of the body's reactions to this kind of emotional trauma is accelerated adrenoline production, and you'll want to burn that off.
• Increase your water intake - and carefully watch your alcohol consumption.
• Do not even think about leaving your residence. You (she) don't need to "find yourself" - you need to re-find each other.
• Make no life-altering decisions for at least six months.

This hurts terribly. But others have recovered from this. You can as well.

Thank you for your service in defense of our way of life.

If there is any possibility of your wife seeing or talking to OM at work she needs to quit her job. You can't be in recovery unless there is no contact. Also, she needs to write a No Contact letter to OM and you need to read and mail it to him. Have you exposed the A to your family/friends, her family/friends, including your children and OM's family as well? Is he married? If so, his wife needs to know too. Do all exposure at once, "trickle exposure" doesn't work. Truth needs to come out in order to kill the A. You can't just take her word for it, WW's lie. Also keep an eye on phone records, emails, etc. Install a Keylogger on her computer so you can keep tabs on whether she's truly ended it or not. They have been known to get secret cellphones to continue their A. Any questions? Please bring them here...there's a reason for all advice given here, it comes from many people's collective experience.

If you use FB to expose, send your messages out one minute apart so you don't get shut down for flooding. Prepare your exposure letter and post it here so it can be evaluated before you send it. Please work on it today.

You asked if the M is even worth saving...I would say, yes. It would be better for the kids if the parents can end up with a great M, and if they don't have to split their time with you the rest of their life. It's not about trust, it's about affair-proofing your M, by meeting each other's needs and setting boundaries in place.

I strongly urge you to get Surviving an Affair, read it, then His Needs/Her Needs, and finally, Lovebusters. There is a lot of information on this site, it can seem overwhelming at first, but read, read, read...and remember, yes, it is worth it. These are truths that are valuable to know whether your M is restored or not, because it's worth it to have a marriagebuilders marriage.