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#2512304 05/24/11 09:55 AM
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My husband came home from work one day about two years ago and told me he was leaving. He said he wasn't happy and he needed time. I was devastated. We were having some issues, but nothing to the extent that I thought he would up and leave. Shortly after he left, I found out all sorts of things. He was drinking again. (we were both alcoholics, I have been sober 11yrs) He was also smoking pot for about a year before he left. I found out he was seeing a woman from his work because he had the nerve to have her drop him off in front of our house one morning, and when I asked him who it was and if he was seeing her he told me.
We were apart for about a year when he and I were on the phone discussing my son's birthday and he said he missed us and wanted to come home. I said yes but with conditions. He had to quit the job he was working at with her, quit the drinking and the pot. I also told him we either go to counseling or he starts coming to church. He said church but has gone once since he came home in Oct of last yr. Not much has changed at all. He's still smoking pot and won't go to church. Last Thursday I found emails he forgot to close on my computer to the woman. He said he misses her and hopes to see her soon. (He recently lost his job because of something else. When i confronted him he said he was trying to find out if he could get his job back. I told him I didn't believe him. Of course he turned it around and got mad cause I looked at his email. He refuses counseling. I had some key logger installed on my puter. I want to put on on his but he's good with computers and I am afraid he will find it. I am so stuck, I don't know what to do next.

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put the keylogger on again, he is not being honest with you, he shouldn't have moved back in until he proved himself, he should have made the effort for himself independent of you.
get your proof and then expose and ask him to leave until he fixes himself......you cannot take his problems on...........
he needs to do the work first and then when he has healed himself you two can work on the marriage, that can't happen until he has worked on himself first, the keyloggers are good, someone else will chime in with one that works.......
I am sorry you are here asking for help, you are in a safe place, stay and get the help step by step you will need .......
jessi


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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The key logger is on mine, I want to put one on his. I also forgot to mention she is married.

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Is he still drinking?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I don't think so. I haven't smelled it on his breath or anything. But I can't guarantee he isn't.

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Originally Posted by Lyndie
I said yes but with conditions. He had to quit the job he was working at with her, quit the drinking and the pot. I also told him we either go to counseling or he starts coming to church. He said church but has gone once since he came home in Oct of last yr. Not much has changed at all. He's still smoking pot and won't go to church.

Since he has broken your conditions what is the consequence? No consequences? My suggestion would be to pack his bags and give him the boot. This is absolutely hopeless unless he quits drinking and smoking pot. He hasn't done that. By allowing him to stay there you are making him WORSE because you are enabling him.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, then you know how destructive enabling can be. Your H needs to be let go so he can hit bottom.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, I would expose his affair to everyone. Start with the OW's H, her family, your family, his family, your kids. Tell everyone what he has done. But most of all, do him a favor and show Mr Casanova the door. Let the OW support his sorry [censored]. Living in his car or under a bridge is a good experience for any practicing addict. I am sure he will be shocked, because alcoholics are so self centered that they believe they are doing YOU a favor by gracing you with their presence.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I don't feel like I have enough proof. All I have so far is that email. I have actually considered leaving, just so he can see how I have been the one holding it all together. When he is faced with how to pay all the bills and such, maybe it would make a difference. I don't know if that is the right thing to do though either.

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You don't have to post any more responses. I have gone through some of the Q&A and I am sorry, but I won't be held to blame for his affair. I have tried everything for a very long time, even before this, to make our marriage work. I do not think me not meeting his emotional needs had anything to do with the affair.

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Originally Posted by Lyndie
You don't have to post any more responses. I have gone through some of the Q&A and I am sorry, but I won't be held to blame for his affair. I have tried everything for a very long time, even before this, to make our marriage work. I do not think me not meeting his emotional needs had anything to do with the affair.

I believe you. I know it had nothing to do with meeting his needs. And no, I would not move out. He should get out. Since you have proof he has been in touch with the ow, that is all you need to expose. Just the fact that he is still using should make this a deal breaker. As fas as plan A goes, dr Harley does not recommend that for alcoholics because it is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So I start with plan B then? Sorry if I sound so callous, I'm just confused and hurting right now.

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Originally Posted by Lyndie
So I start with plan B then? Sorry if I sound so callous, I'm just confused and hurting right now.

I know you are hurting and I completely understand. frown Yes, that is where you should start. Your conditions that you laid down intially were perfect: stop drinking/drugging for life, end all contact with OW, AND commit to a recovery program for your marriage.

And you do have enough to expose his affair. Just the fact that he is still in contact constitutes an affair. I would make sure everyone, especially the OW's husband, knows this. Your kids should be told too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have kids together? If so, do not leave the home. You can't do anything about your marriage until he first deals with his alcohol/drug use. He hasn't been making the effort to restore your marriage and without his effort there's nothing you can do. I'd have his belongings packed and on the front lawn with a Plan B letter when he got home. And I'd expose to everyone. He knows the drill, he was told last time and he didn't adhere to your conditions...long past time for him to go.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Just remember, with or without him, there's a brighter tomorrow.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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We have a 20 yr old son together. Today i told him I am done and he needs to go. This morning he got a call and then told me he was going for a ride with two guys to smoke some pot. I followed him down the street and hit behind a bush, only to see someone pick him up. I immediately texted him and told him to get out. He told me it was two people and only one was in the car. I then went to the store. When I got home he asked what was wrong so I told him I followed him and watched him get in the car. I told him I knew it wasn't a guy and how come there was only one person in the car. So I asked him who it was three times before he answered. he told me it wasn't the other woman but her name was Crystal which I have heard that name before. He was still adamant nothing is going on and I basically told him to stop insulting my intelligence. I then told him to leave. Stick a fork in me...I'm done. I need to find that plan b letter now and make some calls.

Last edited by Lyndie; 05/25/11 01:55 PM.
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He needs to go. You have to have a plan B. What your wh is doing right now is called "gaslighting" and it is a form of mental abuse.

yes, that is spousal abuse! Telling you that you either didn't see what you thought you saw, or didn't hear what you thought you heard or didn't even read what you darn well KNOW that you read.

It can make a person go slowly crazy where you begin to seriously doubt everything about yourself. Time for him to go. My xwh used to do this to me.

Once, when he was caught accidentally by my bff with the ow (my bff saw him at a stoplight and followed his car when he was supposed to be at the office), he came home calmly, with a huge bag of gummi bears (my fave candy) and then proceeded to tell me he'd been at the huge nearby mall buying nike tennis shoes (showed me the purchase bag and slip and shoes) and then said he'd gone to buy me my favorite candy from a candy store in there.

First, do you know who the ow is? Do you? and who is this supposed "Crystal" woman? He needs to go now.

First get together all people you are going to expose too. If you know the ID of the ow, get all your proof together. Find out if she has a FB page and check out OPERATION INVESTIGATE forum here at MB (below surviving infidelity forum) and read up on how to expose and get proof.

Carefully pick good exposure targets. Good ones are parents, EMPLOYERS, close friends, family, anybody who has influence at all over the wayward and affair partner. You investigate her too! Make a list of her and his FB friends and start making a nuclear exposure plan NOW! Then expose him AFTER you've kicked him out. I'd send him packing, formulate the gargantuan exposure, and then expose and then a little bit later send the plan B letter to him, at his new address.




Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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To get proof of the affair, you go to OPERATION INVESTIGATE!


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Put a GPS on his vehicle.

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Where is the plan b letter? I can't seem to find it.

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Originally Posted by Lyndie
Where is the plan b letter? I can't seem to find it.

This is an old thread with Plan B sample letters.
*** LINK ***

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Originally Posted by Lyndie
Where is the plan b letter? I can't seem to find it.
I've copied it at the end of this post, Lyndie, but you have to remember that Plan B is not rushed into haphazardly. You've got to get it solidly lined up, first, or it will not be effective.

Read this thread before proceeding:
How to Plan B Correctly

From SAA, tweak to fit your sitch:

Quote
My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I�ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg for once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.
With my love,
Jon


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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