Glad to hear you had a wonderful birthday, Hold!

Nice weekend at family gathering. Kids stayed with one of my cousins and his kids. Mrs. Hold and I at a hotel. No cuddling. No kissing. No sex.

Everyone was very impressed with our kids. S16 is the oldest of his generation, so all look up to him. He agreed to help autistic cousin read. Got called away for a few minutes. Went looking for the young cousin to read with. The cousin's mother said she was near tears when she saw our son go looking for hers, who is often an outcast. D14 is the oldest girl. She spent one morning with the "3 musketeers" (girls age 4, 5 and 7) trailing her every step. They said they loved her metallic nail polish. So Mrs. Hold and D14 took the young girls to the store, bought them all metallic polish, and then D14 painted all their nails while they watched Disney Channel. The girls and their moms (2 more cousins) were thrilled that big counsin D14 spent so much time with them. I am getting what I signed up for. Could be much worse.

Surgery tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Hope it goes well

What was that again?

Refresh my memory. S'il vous plait.

I will pray you get what you signed up for. ;p

I was wondering that too... hate that I missed that line when you originally posted it, and given my poor mental state (totally spewing on other people's threads-why am I so wound up today?) I couldn't tell if this was a bad thing (how most people use the phrase) or a good thing (you're putting up with Mrs Hold for sake of the kids and this kind of great day is exactly why).

One other comment I wanted to make is that it really speaks highly of you, Hold, that your kids are such a joy to others in spite of the difficulties you and Mrs Hold are having. Just in case you ever feel like you are not as successful as you want to be, it appears to me that you are quite successful at parenting :-)

Take care,

DTC

Thanks to everyone for your concern.

Unfortunately, I was too anemic for surgery Friday. So they admitted me to the hospital where I sucked down 3 units of blood. Made me thankful that I had "paid it forward" by donating over 2 gallons in the past. They got my blood count back above 30 (40+ is normal) from 23. The nurses couldn't believe I was walking upright at 23.

I am back in the office today. Hopefully we can do the surgery this coming Friday. I will do my best not to bleed between now and then.

Mrs. Hold was very supportive Friday and Saturday. She does care very much, even if she cannot show it the way I would prefer.

:-)

Ugh, doc is not doing surgery Friday. He wants to do it Wednesday. Darn darn darn darn darn.

I was about to post this on the Grey Divorce thread, when I realized it was far too self-centered to go there, and belongs here.

MelodyLane asked whether my wife understands POJA.

My wife knows all about MB. She simply refuses to implement it. Same as me. I am no more willing to clean up my side of the street than she hers.

I know what you mean about relative effort. I hate my job and every day it is like pulling teeth to motivate myself to do any task. Still, while in the long term it would be much less effort to have I job I loved (assuming such a thing exists), I am not willing to put in the extra effort in the short term to transition to a job I like more than this one.

Same with marriage. I am willing to accept everyone's word that a happy marriage requires less effort than an unhappy one. Still, Withdrawal requires less effort than the Conflict required to return to Intimacy. I am not willing to make the effort required during Conflict. No matter how wonderful the eventual payoff might be.

Years ago our unhappy marriage required effort on my part. Because when Mrs. Hold said "no", I continued to seek ways to get my needs filled. I struggled against the "no". Now it is not nearly so difficult, because I have given up. I rarely ask if Mrs. Hold is willing to meet my needs. And I don't get upset if she says no. I accept the answer and go back to doing whatever coping / medicating activity I was doing. Hardly any effort is required since I gave up.

These days it is Mrs. Hold who tends to offer to meet my needs (not THAT need, but the ones that are les important to me - like RC). She doesn't like that I have given up on living and have stopped working toward any goals. Because she sees that my passivity interferes with her achieving her goals. She tries to entice me back into enjoying recreational activities, in the hope that she can inspire me to "get back in the game".

But I have become immune to her blandishments. Now that I am physically incapable of engaging in the activity which for so long was my obsessive goal, I no longer want anything from her. In fact, I would rather swim in burning acid than accept need-meeting from her, and feel ashamed and angry on those occassions when I weaken and allow her to do so.

The surgery is scheduled for next Friday. Monday they test my blood to see if I need any more transfusions. Perhaps when I have a full complement of red cells I will feel differently. I doubt it. This bitterness is now branded on my soul. Nothing would suit me better than if the Rapture actually occurs tomorrow. Not that I expect to be taken. But that would mean only 150 days left before I get to go where I belong.

holdingontoit,
sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Don't give up. Where in Ct. are you?

Yeah. I've done a fair bit of long-term coping and medicating too. Recently I've grown just as tired of coping, and treading water, as I am tired of anything else, and that has stirred me to make some effort again. Because why not? Being an island unto myself hasn't been satisfying. Might as well do the things I know I *should* do, even if I'm not really looking to W as a source of happiness at this point.

(It helps a bit that I know my attitude is ridiculous. Yeah, there's been a lot of bitterness and disappointment in the past, but come on Iss, you are not exactly Ethan Frome.)

Sucks when refusing an olive branch becomes a point of principle. But I pretty much know what you mean, although frankly I'll pass on the acid vat. That picture just breaks the whole nice "aloof tragic hero" thing I've got going on. A tragic hero that jumps into a pool of acid no longer excites my admiration. Instead I'm yelling at him: Dude, what the heck?!?!?!!

Yes, well, I have given up the facade of being the tragic hero. I am now the villain in our story. Mrs. Hold has lost weight, gone back to school, gotten 2 jobs, and tried to be more pleasant more of the time. And I have turned my back on her. I behave as if I don't want her love. We all know that, deep down, I do. But at this point I am not willing to admit that. I am going to be spiteful and petty and self-destructive. Because I can do that on my own. I am not willing to open the door and allow her back in. I am too afraid. No matter how well she treats me. I still don't trust her. That is on me.

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been asked already...

Now that she's tried (and succeeded for the most part) in meeting your needs, do you ever wonder if she'll leave you? If she does, what's your plan?

Aeri, she hasn't. He wants a sexlife, she wants no part of that. So his #1 need will always go unfulfilled

I have to disagree, Kilted...Hold said that even if she offered him sex, he would turn her away.

I know HOTI's story and I remember when he NEEDED her to get a job and he NEEDED her to lose weight--seems that she's hitting her targets and he's just finding another reason not to get close to her.

Regardless, in her mind, she feels that she's met his needs--what if she finds a richer man who can get along with her and she dumps him?

Old friends from summer camp 30 years ago contacted her over the weekend on Facebook. She kissed some of the guys back then. I told her under no circumstances was she to speak to them or meet them without me present. She said I was being silly. I told her that a camp reunion would bring back memories of a simpler time when she did not have kids college and bills and responsibilities and that it might be intoxicating to relive those memories. So I need to be there with her. She said the guys I kissed back then are married now and have kids. I said plenty of married guys with kids have affairs. I told her "I want to be clear so there is no misunderstanding. I am against you contacting anyone from camp without me present. Don't tell yourself 'he won't care if I just ____'. There is no 'just _____'. I care about everything." Must have gotten through because she hugged me. And you all know how rare hugs are in our marriage.

I am well aware that aeri is correct. Mrs. Hold might well leave me. I don't actually want her to. But I am not willing to go "all in", either. We all know I am a total wimp. I talk a big game of wanting to defend my territory. But we all know if another guy showed up and Mrs. Hold seemed interested in him, I would not fight. I would fold. Always have. Always will.

Wow, hold, I am really impressed that you stood up for your marriage in that way. It sounds like you really endeared her by doing it, too. Way to go!

Hold, this is HUGE! you keep saying you've given up, but every couple of weeks when I get back here, I see a part of you that (however small it might be, lol) is still fighting ;-)