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CP, Post it!

I've read it. I know it's there.

This thread belongs to every man on this site, I'd like them to own it by bringing their thoughts, feelings, experiences... as well as those things they read which resonate.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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The example thing I am lit up like a firecracker trying to provide...plus when he does get old enough I will be watching - and if I ever even got a whiff from him I apply boot to backside.

Question is, what else can I do?

From everything on this site...

Religeon is no shield
Prosperity is no shield
Having kids or not - no effect
Age - no effect

You can instill values, and still nothing. So what else can i do as a father?


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Originally Posted By: Reynolds531
The example thing I am lit up like a firecracker trying to provide...plus when he does get old enough I will be watching - and if I ever even got a whiff from him I apply boot to backside.

Question is, what else can I do?

From everything on this site...

Religeon is no shield
Prosperity is no shield
Having kids or not - no effect
Age - no effect

You can instill values, and still nothing. So what else can i do as a father?




And that is where the honesty of your situation will come in.

And then you say; and this is why, one you are married, you should not keep close relationships with anyone of the opposite sex.

Part one of the series that CP is referring to, here;

The Cure for the Modern Male Malaise: The 5 Switches of Manliness

Quote:
Whats Plaguing Modern Men?

There has been a copious amounts of hand wringing lately about the state of modern men, about the fact that men appear to be falling behind in life and seem unmotivated and listless.

Why all this concern? The statistics are familiar to anyone who has read this genre of articles:

Women are more likely than men to graduate from high school.
Only 44% of undergraduates at community and four year colleges are men.
Female college students have higher grade point averages than men and are more likely to graduate within four years.
According to the US Census, Among young adults 25 to 29, 35 percent of women and 27 percent of men possessed a bachelors degree or more in 2009. This gap has grown considerably in the last decade: it was only 3 percentage points in 1999 (30 percent for women, 27 percent for men).
Women are 60% more likely than men to earn a bachelors degree by the time they are 23.
According to the US Census, for the first time in history, more women than men are earning advanced degrees. In the 25-29 age group, 9 percent of women and 6 percent of men held either a masters, professional (such as law or medical) or doctoral degree. Nearly six out of ten adults holding advanced degrees between the ages of 25 and 29 are women.
Men lost 3/4 of the 8 million jobs that disappeared during the recession.
For the first time in history, there are now more women in the workforce than men.
1/3 of men ages 22-34 still live at home with their parents. An increase of 100% in the last 20 years. According to the census, among young adults ages 18-24, 56 percent of men and 48 percent of women still live at home with their parents.

Plenty of theories have been offered as to what is behind these statistics. Some say the economy is to blame, as traditionally male industries have been moved off shore or gone extinct. Another reason given is that corporate culture and bureaucracy have sucked the soul out of men and taken away their manly autonomy. Others say its our consumer culture and the rise of particularly time-sucking hobbies like video games. And some say the root of the problem is feminism, the changing dynamic of male/female relationships, and the cheapness of sex.

But I would argue that there isnt just one thing that you can point at and decisively say, That one. That one was the man killer. Instead, the source of the modern males lack of motivation is a conglomeration of all these factors. In short, the problem is modern life in general.

To me the modern world is the best possible world to live in, without a doubt. The advancements weve made in technology and culture have made life safer, freer, and longer than ever before.

At the same time, no matter how unmitigated a good is, there are always unintended consequences that we have to grapple with. And the unintended consequence of modern life is that men feel lost and adrift.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Oh, by the way CP - this last semester I added Judo to my class list at school.

It's funny, up until I did that, I still gamed online here and there, but since adding Judo my interest waned.

Wonder why?

Hmmmm...

Ah, because I found a physical outlet for my drive to compete!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Yup
That will do it hhh I liked gaming but I knew it rated second to real sports and it was more like entertainment than real challenge but it did help a little in the ego Dept
Until I got to know the hard core gamers and how it was win at all costs

It is to devoid of reality. I like the physical challenges of judo better because it is more like the real deal in life if it ever comes down to it. The best part is you have the confidence and fear control so you can control the situation with a cool head. Hence " The gentle way"

Team sports are really good too to develop but there is no replacement for one on one stuff

Reynolds when I know the answer to that question I will be sure to answer it for you. The truth is there is always conflict going on every day and a war within ourselves. I have quoted this before but I find it so profound I will quite it again from the movie"The Edge"
"Why do people die in the wilderness when they are lost? They die of shame. How did I get so stupid and make so many mistakes?"
"Instead of doing what they can and thinking of how to save themselves, they waste Thier time blaming themselves"

So I guess we just have stay vigilent and keep a cool head for our kids and they know we love them if we spend the time and are allways with them no matter what, even while we make mistakes too

That is more stabilizing for them than anything and gives them inner security and what better gift could they ever get?


Me 56 Former BS
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4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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From The Last Samurai:

Quote:
Katsumoto: You have nightmares?
Nathan Algren: Every soldier has nightmares.
Katsumoto: Only one who is ashamed of what he has done.
Nathan Algren: You have no idea what I've done.
Katsumoto: You have seen many things.
Nathan Algren: I have.
Katsumoto: Yet you do not fear death, but sometimes you wish for it. Is this not so?
Nathan Algren: Yes.
Katsumoto: I also. It happens to men who have seen what we have seen. But then I come to this place of my ancestors, and I remember. Like these blossoms, we are all dying. To know life in every breath, every cup of tea, every life we take. The way of the warrior....
Nathan Algren: Life in every breath...
Katsumoto: That is Bushido.


I either completely miss, or completely understand the romatacizing of the Samurai by men of any other nations.

I think it works in in the movie, as well;

Quote:
Algren: [narrating] They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seem such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, 'to serve', and that Katsumoto believes his rebellion to be in the service of the Emperor.


Quote:
Algren: [narrating] Winter, 1877. What does it mean to be Samurai? To devote yourself utterly to a set of moral principles. To seek a stillness of your mind. And to master the way of the sword.


Quote:
Algren: [narrating] Spring, 1877. This marks the longest I've stayed in one place since I left the farm at 17. There is so much here I will never understand. I've never been a church going man, and what I've seen on the field of battle has led me to question God's purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power. I do know that it is here that I've known my first untroubled sleep in many years.


Where did we lose this deep commitment and discipline to LIFE? What did we gain in return for our loss?


- Sidenote; thoughts going out to North... hoping he and his loved ones aren't tangled up in all the tornado and flood mess badly, if at all.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I get healed by that movie also

There is an old saying about a swordsman in that culture

The true swordsman in not a man wielding a sword and aware of it but a sword in the hands of the unconscious

It's the principle of the empty mind. Being connected to the now instead of the then or the maybes our thoughts can produce that makes fear a real obstacle in our lives

Meditation and the constant practice of it allows us to learn how to empty our minds from all the noise going on in our subconscios

Usually they are thoughts that cause fear that cause thoughts and on and on it goes

Joshua from the Christian bible was a warrior
As a matter of fact Joshua translated is a name that reflects the name Jesus , which also translates across the board with savior. Pronounced (Ya-shoo-a) in Hebrew joshua was a picture of the first Christ

Joshua was big on meditation to prepare him for the battles he would encounter. He lead them into the promised land and established the boundaries of Israel and once he died the boundaries stopped being expanded

If there are any real biblical scholars out there who can further clarify the details of this please feel free to correct me, but I am sure of the meditation and warrior status of Joshua and that was really the main point and his habit of meditation every day before battle

The noise in the back of our mind that always going on can be controlled if we make a conscious descision to empty our minds. It takes practice though to get to the place where we can do this form of relaxation and really notice the results. Most of the time I end up falling asleep which means I am out of practice. Or maybe just really tired also But once we can empty our anxieties and meditate upon the right thoughts that bring in positive goals and peace for us it is a powerful pro active tool for fighting the things that attack us. Much better that taking drugs or running away in some form or another because we have control over our enemy's and put them in Thier place

To live in the moment and realize life all around you. Yeah that pursuit is never a waste of time

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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Like these blossoms, we are all dying. To know life in every breath, every cup of tea, every life we take.
The way of the warrior....
Nathan Algren: Life in every breath...
Katsumoto: That is Bushido.

I either completely miss, or completely understand the romatacizing of the Samurai by men of any other nations.


I get what your saying, and the fact that we have started to die since we are born, and that is a guarantee in life, once we accept it, we can decide life is precious and short, and maybe thats the warrior philosphy in a nutshell.

I am reminded of the speech in braveheart before the battle about the men who would live but in the end regret not fighting for freedom that day. The other statements like, "All men die, not all men really live", and when asked by the princess to beg mercy of the king how he said,, "If I ask for forgiveness and mercy for what I beleive in and all those men died for, so I can live, then all that I am is dead allready".. when she offered him land and titles to stop the war and said,"Nobles are made that way" he retorted,,"Slaves are made that way!"

What drove this man? Even if the flick was not historically correct what was said has deep meaning anyways. We all have heard of the stories of the man who jumped on the grenade to save his brothers at war, and men are the most likely to stay in a bad situation against all odds to stand for something they beleive in. As aggressivly built humans its in our nature to stand alone. We must hack out the enviroment to attract a women to mate with and raise children together and we don't have relationships as broadly as most women do, but are likely to have them very intensly and specifically.

But it is a mistake to take this quality of focus and intensity lightly as society often does with its "men are simple plodding ignoramumes" portrayed on TV. They are focused because they are aware that what you do is who you are and not as stimulated by the many things in and around them they have a sort of relationship with.

My first wife had this joke.." A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find too" Taking the sexual ha-ha out of it thier is still some truth in the joke. Solid hard men are becoming a rarity in our culture as we try to medicate them into some social standard popular for the day. Walter Mathau made a joke in the movie, "Good Buddies" with Jack Lemmon. Mathau was a cold hit man and Lemmon wanted to commit suicide cuz his wife left him for some new age dipstick... When Lemmon asked Mathau if he believed in growing old with someone and the sanctity of marriage, Mathau said in his deadpan voice he was famous for, " I once knew a couple who were in thier 70s and were married for 50 years.. His Wife divorced him because his hearing aid messed up the television reception"

With the warrior, as in life, everything passes away and just to appreiate life itself is the gift that can never be taken and probably the best part also.

My Judo teacher who runs a state champion Dojo is a Pastor in the church. He came from a tough background and had to learn to fight young but recognizes that God is a God of spiritual warfare. One of the sermons he gave sorta stuck with me about how God raises up a standard for us in the midst of trouble. Now a standard in the battle field is a flag and gives direction. But a standard we live by can guide us out of terrible places within ourselves at terrible times.

That too is the way of the warrior, and he is big on honour and japanese tradition and philosphy. I asked him to lead and speak at my wives funeral because he was a real person I could relate to, and my wife did also. At one time I would put my W up against anybody, she was that strong, and a warrior in her own right. Even the valient do fall.

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You guys are awesome! There are so many thoughtful, spiritual people posting here. As a woman raised by a '50s domineering father, I can tell you that there was a huge backlash from women who were tired of men coming back from WWII and telling women that they had to be "just housewives." But you are right, the pendulum has swung too far toward degrading men, and they need to re-claim their place as confident husbands and fathers who value their families and do not require their wives to be passive Stepford robots who are treated like children with no power of their own.

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Eh, I'm more like Algren. Not spiritual, and stuck wishing for death.

I just have too many battles left to check in... yet.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Yeah its funny that those men came back and did that kinda stuff. I think it was part of a program or something.

What about Rosie the Riviter? How about the female Welders who did mans work in the shipyards?

There have been strong women all through History and it has allways been my opinion that only insecure men have a problem with a strong women.

Have them stay home barefoot and pregnant? Nope not me, I'm not a slave owner..I value a womens perspective and intuition to much for that. Plus I never needed a wife to be happy and I sure wouldn't be happy tying one down. It just doesn't work anyways.

But what happened in that double standard twist around whatever is convienient thing with women in the workplace? I remember the mid 70s when I worked in a factory with women. I got along with them all pretty well. I was a pretty good looking but very married 18 year old guy, and women were all "equal rights" but hey if they couldn't get your attention it was like being a fresh nightcrawler in a chicken pen. Jealousy between even the mature adult women who were stable for the most part. If you talked to one and another one who was mad at that one for something else got upset you ended up with the cold shoulder. So I had to make the social rounds and hear the gossip and why this or that isn't fair and how this one was mad at that one and what they thought about it....help! I would take a simple minded one track mind guy over them anyday.

But this I will say, the women allmost allways worked harder than the men/boys. The older ones of either sex worked harder than the young ones on average.

Talk about feeling like a piece of meat lol. At least with guys you could be direct and speak your mind, but with a lot of the girls you had to dance around them. I would be as honest and direct as I could to keep it simple the first time around, then a young cutie would ask a personel question just to mess with me and draw out my protective instincts and try to be my pet...but then when they got together it was all about equal rights?

Lol Ok, you have the right to be chewed out by me instead of a hand-holding session of why things are they way they are and why its fair and blah blah..But then you were a guy and scared them then..?? Yup, the women then played games and I suspect they still do now.

The 60 year old scottish women who once worked in occupied scotland in ww2 was the sweetest and hardest worker in the bunch. I had to slow her down or she would hurt herself and do everybody elses job. She was the only one I trusted. she told it like it was without losing one ounce of femininity either. i miss her she was a real friend.

That was 35 years ago and I am sure some things have changed but I still am not sure if I go out of my way to hold a door open for a women am I insulting her ability? Making a pass? being polite?.. It seems to be twisted around to the whim of the moment like poor broken hearted Monica Lewinski.(Sarcasm)

But I doubt Rosie the Riveter would have an issue or really give a crap about what I thought, some women just have guts and conviction. Like my gram and Mom I guess. Women are really pretty tough in some ways. As allways also a mystery.

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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Eh, I'm more like Algren. Not spiritual, and stuck wishing for death.

I just have too many battles left to check in... yet.


Yeah well you know I am not gonna let that one go by without a comment. But it is worth it to me and for the respect I have for you to think a little bit about it and i am typed out for today/tonight.

Everybodys spirtual and everybodys religiuos as far as I can see, but thats JMO, I will see if if I can back it up with reason and common sense tommorow. This will be a tough one but good for me too.

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Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess
Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
Eh, I'm more like Algren. Not spiritual, and stuck wishing for death.

I just have too many battles left to check in... yet.


Yeah well you know I am not gonna let that one go by without a comment. But it is worth it to me and for the respect I have for you to think a little bit about it and i am typed out for today/tonight.

Everybodys spirtual and everybodys religiuos as far as I can see, but thats JMO, I will see if if I can back it up with reason and common sense tommorow. This will be a tough one but good for me too.


>.<

That's a can of worms I would be willing to open and dine on with you and a few others here, CP. However, I fear it could be disruptive.

Quote:
Locke: Go*&^%%it, Morpheus. Not everyone believes what you believe.

Morpheus: My beliefs do not require them to.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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BUMP = good idea lets not let it die


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Originally Posted By: Reynolds531
BUMP = good idea lets not let it die


Lol Ok lets get TimB here and we can complain about cars. I am gonna go work on an Audi, a Golf, and a brake job for a midsize pickup this week starting tommorow... weightlifter


Me 56 Former BS
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DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Intake gasket leaking on my 98 Maz 626. Only 150000 miles on it, should not even be broke in yet..sigh

Afraid this might be start of a line of repairs, but its not even misfiring.


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I'll fully admit to having let it falter due to my expectation that someone else might pick up the mantle.

That's my fault. My own reluctance to lead. It permeates through a lot of things in my life, most often in the workplace. I will always step up when things fall apart, or when nobody else will - but I always do so reluctantly.

In the classroom it's the same - however, I usually establish myself well enough that often times my classmates become reluctant and look to me to be the one to step up to the plate each and every time. We needed volunteers for some lab run-throughs this last week, and the immediate response was "Let HHH do it!" Feeling that we are there to learn, I try to sidestep and encourage others to rise to the occasion, but my own willingness to be put on the spot has made me the go-to. Ugh.

Anyway, inspired by CP, I think it would be good to go through the resiliency series on AoM, and I may toss in some additional notes from another one of my favorite sites, You Are Not So Smart - at least, as they correlate to resiliency and building it. A lot of the YANSS stuff would probably build really well into the "Catastrophizing" article, which we will revisit. I encourage anybody interested to check out YANSS (I've tried before) - it's a blog on "Self Delusion" which explores and explains psychological biases and phenomenon we experience every day.


Quote:
There are a lot of virtues lacking in the current generation of men, but I think an argument can be made that our lack of resiliency is the most critical.

And I say that as a man who has himself struggled to live this virtue.

In law school, I engaged in a pathetic routine each semester. After finishing my finals, I would initially feel pretty confident in how I did. But then I would sit and think about the exams in detail, remembering questions that I missed, issues that I failed to raise. My confidence would quickly evaporate, replaced by a sense of utter doom and despair. I would become convinced that I had gotten a C or even failed the test. I wouldnt get my grades back for several weeks, but I would spend that time in a state my wife called logging out, which, as the name suggests, involved me laying on the couch like a depressed log.

When my grades would finally come in, I would be relieved to find I hadnt flunked out, Kate would chide me for my irrational behavior, and I would swear that I wouldnt waste my time doing that again. But come finals time the next semester, the The Log Man would make another appearance.

I was in serious need of some resiliency. And I still am. For reasons Ill explain in future posts, law school really did a number on my resiliency, and Ive had to go to work on regaining my hardihood. So I decided to do some research on the subject and share it with others who might be struggling to be resilient too.


A lot of us here have our experiences that have tested our resiliency. If you are home to this portion of the forum, SAA, or even for those in 101, the road to recovery is going to be a long-term test of your resiliency, and building it up is going to be paramount to success.

Quote:
Studies have shown that boosting your resilience increases your resistance to stress and can greatly lower your chances of becoming depressed. It can even reduce the chances of getting PTSD. You may not be living in a war zone, but the trials of life, even the weight of many little setbacks, can leave a man feeling shell-shocked.

We all have times when life makes us want to crawl into a hole; resiliency is what helps us dust ourselves off and climb back into the saddle instead. But just what is resiliency, anyway?

Resiliency is a quality that helps us both act and react in appropriate and productive ways. Lets take a look at both of these areas.


I can tell you that I still have days where I want to crawl in a hole. The funny thing is, that I have always been pretty resilient. I had just based it off of the wrong thing; my wife's fidelity. So long as I had her by my side, loving me, I could face and overcome any failure I faced. I faced and overcame many of them, too. But... I did crawl in a hole. After years in "giver mode" the resilience that kept me attentive and affectionate to my wife failed.

Quote:
Resiliency is the ability to face setbacks, failures, crises, and pain (both emotional and physical) with confidence and courage.

It is the ability to quickly bounce back from our trials and tragedies.

Its the quality that keeps us from giving up, even when the going gets rough. Its the ability to stick with something through thick and thin and the power to overcome the temptation to bail put when things stop being easy.

Resilient men dont let their worry about the future, about things that may or may not come to pass keep them in a funk. And they dont let mistakes from their past eat them up inside. Instead, they concentrate on the present and the things that they do have control over.

Resilient men take personal responsibility for their actions. They dont whine and blame others. And yet they do not blame themselves so much that shame and guilt paralyze them from moving forward and trying again.

We see resiliency in the guy who gets cancer but remains optimistic and upbeat. In the man who gets a divorce, but doesnt get bitter. In the guy who is fired from his prestigious job, but is able to make the best of becoming a stay-at-home dad. Hes the rock who keeps his composure when bad news hits and is able to take care of his loved ones when everythings going to pot. Hes both strong and flexible.

Resiliency is a quality that not only helps with the big crises of life, but also allows you to weather the mundane daily annoyances that threaten to grind out your vitality. Resilient is the man who can face his annoying co-worker without anger, argue with his wife without exploding, and have his kid disappoint him without flipping out.


Does this sound familiar? In recovery, we are told to become present and future oriented. In the depths of betrayal and despair, however, it's hard to look forward. Based on our current emotions, the future is either bleak or unseen.

How do we overcome this? By focusing on TODAY. Any thought of tomorrow is addressed by our actions TODAY.

Quote:
While we most often think of resiliency as a quality that helps us react to challenges, resiliency is also essential to the proactive aspects of our lives. It is the virtue that allows us to face the world head on like daring adventurers, to strike out into the unknown like courageous explorers. It is the quality that enables us to take risks, to reach out to others, and to live deeply and powerfully.

Without resiliency we forever dwell on our setbacks instead of making progress in our lives. The hurt from our past disappointments (or even the hurt we imagine could befall us) is so debilitating that we cannot muster up the courage and desire to take chances and seize opportunities; were afraid of experiencing pain and embarrassment. Without resiliency we become content to play it small; we hide from the world, keeping ourselves from hurt but also removing our chances of joy, excitement, and satisfaction. The fear of trying something and failing looms large in our minds. Yet we ignore the even bigger failure-the failure to make an attempt, to try and to risk.

Every man wants to know the secret of the man who is able to walk up to any woman and strike up a conversation. Who can saunter into his boss office and ask for a raise. Who takes the trip everyone else says is crazy. Their secret is resilience. Theyve got a thick skin; they dont walk around feeling like the next disappointment might be a fatal blow, a wound to their ego and happiness that will take forever to recover from. Theyre not crippled by fear of embarrassment. They know that if they get rejected, if things dont work out, theyll hardly miss a beat; they know they wont shrivel up like a daisy; theyll simply take the setback in stride and keep on truckin. They dont shrink from forming relationships in fear of the potential pain of a break-up; they know that pain is a possibility but they are confident in their ability to manage it and move on.

Do you want to be a man that lives with gusto, seeing the world as your oyster instead of a minefield? Well, good news: Its possible for every man to develop iron-clad resiliency.

While some men may have been born more resilient than others, or had parents that helped them develop this quality, it, like all virtues, is like a muscle that can be strengthened by regular exercise.


http://artofmanliness.com/2010/01/19/building-your-resiliency-part-1-an-introduction/

And in this, I've been called out. When I started this thread, I had hoped that someone else would pick up the mantle, take the risk, and shoulder the disappointment of failure.

No more. This is for all of us, but I will dedicate myself to having the courage to continue the dialogue, and silence any doubters.

As Katt Williams said "If you got 20 haters today, you should have 40 tomorrow - haters are gon' hate, that's their job, let them do it!"

Last edited by HoldHerHand; 06/04/11 09:13 AM.

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Well I am in the perfect position to use this thread and jump into the art of manliness forum articles also.
It has been a few years since my wifes passing and I have spent more time than I wanted to licking my wounds, thinking too much, getting out of shape, and not living like I used to.

My biggest challange has been to exercise and take better care of myself. I have put on weight, and my allready messed up and painful legs don't like walking anymore, when I used to love moving and being active. Heck before I messed up my legs at 12 and 13 I was the fastest runner in the school, and I ran for awhile as excersize and realease until 24 when an otrthopedic correctional operation made that impossible,,but I still liked to walk and work..then damaged elbows, a broken and pinned shoulder, and 20 years of physical extremes of jobs and time ..

well now it hurts to move...

I wrote all my details for a reason and it wasn't to give excuses, but to point out something that I read in the resilency articles. If you read about deppression, you will here how men who have become inactive slip into even worse depression the more they stop moving.

Mel gave me a bit of advice about getting out and living when I came here and I immediatly recognized the wisdom in it because it had allways worked for me before. Get out and do things and things that are healthy and as your body goes your mind will follow. But I felt that first I needed to..

Also I was reading in the article that what holds back some men is that they want to do it all and won't even do small things, also that they can be waiting for some epiphany or spiritual movement internally and that stops them. These are at least two obstacles that have stood in my way. I will never be the physical dynamo I used to be, and it seems all the reasons and the thing I was working/fighting for, the health of my wife and our marraige, have left a large hole in my hope and inspiration, passion and spirit.

I came here to help piece together what happened and make sense of it, because depression had done a number on me, but the physical activity I attempted to jump back into like working out in the sun in contruction, swapping engines in the dirt at a friends house, that I used to be able to do and was proud of my detirmination was too much, too fast, and would leave me wiped out for a couple days.

Lets use an MB term for that and call it, "Hysterical" attempts to get back to how I used to live and keep busy. Because there was still this hole inside that needed healing.

Now I do just something, instead of trying to do more than my body can take, and because of this I find I am healing also because I am getting outside of myself a little more. Of course things are falling more in place and make more sense as time goes on, but sometimes you have to get some perspective from distance that only comes from time.

Much of that hole I have now is up to me to fill, and not hysterically in fear and worry, but calmly with a plan. If it is only with a walk around the block, I try to keep it simple and be IN that walk, rather than be thinking 100 steps ahead of myself. Yes to keep going in a good direction we should have different ranges of plans and milemarkers, short range, midrange, and longrange, but we need them all to be balanced.

I may never be able to accomplish olympic size dreams of physical ability like I used to in my younger days, but my children have been inspired by my willingness to work 36 hr stints in dangerous enviroments just to support my family and work on positive dreams of the future. My biggest challange is to get to the point in 2004 where I could do the complete Judo workout including the backflip in the end. But I will never get there except by that old Proverb, "One step at a time"

I can wish and hope for an epiphany or spiritual experiance to move me, but like I have heard it said, "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first"

Its up to us to get up when we are hit. "Quitters never win and winners never quit". "You never stop fighting because lifes struggle and the day you quit you lose"

But it still happens one day, one step, at a time. I swear I will go down swinging fighting the good fight. Now for the wisdom to pick the battles I can move forward in effectivly. I need balance, not extremes.

So in the case of resiliency the article talks about staying active and how important that is for mens emotional health, among other things. YMCA, swimming, machines and small goals here I come.

Isaiah 40:30-31
King James Version (KJV)


30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


I may not be able to run anymore, but I can surely walk. The attitude of rising above is also up to me, as my strength is renewed day by day.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: Reynolds531
Intake gasket leaking on my 98 Maz 626. Only 150000 miles on it, should not even be broke in yet..sigh

Afraid this might be start of a line of repairs, but its not even misfiring.


Sounds like a lemon.. I'll give you $100 for it if you drive it down here. stickout

Seriously Reyn, if you are a mechanic, and I am pretty sure thats a straight four cyl right?, that is not too bad of a job.

If your just pulling our chain because thats what us guys do..twoxfour

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Thanks CP lol, shes all fixed up. Yes was not too bad.

Take all the shots you like. Last week I proved on another thread that Melody was actually in love with the forum using Hartleys formula and her post count. So I need someone to take me down a notch.


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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