Talk to your lawyer and don't trust anything that your wife is telling you. Her reaction (kinda flipped) is, to me, telling. I'd suspect that she's making some of this up as she goes.

If nothing else, get the "no overnight visitors" in there.

Do not sign anything without reading it carefully and AGREEING with it. If what you want is that your children are to have no contact with OM for a year, insist that it be in the papers.

I, personally, wouldn't believe ANYTHING that a WS said without also having it in writing and notarized and a method to compel enforcement if said WS did not follow through.

Without something in writing, she can marry the OM the day after the divorce and you can't do ANYTHING to keep your kids away from him. If there is no contact for a year in the agreement, then she is legally required to follow it and will be in contempt and could lose custody if she breaks the agreement.

Let her flip out. You do what you need to do for yourself and your children.

I will read everything carefully. I have been talking with her via email today. She is so involved with other man it is pathetic. She shows absolutely no feeling torwards me what soever anymore. She told me i was a wanderful father and the kids loved me so much. but that is the best thing she has said to me this year. Other than that, she is all about other man. Wow it hurts still to see what a change she has made. oh well just had to get that off my chest.

Lostman 101,

so sorry your wife has turned into such a hurtful woman, it's only a matter of time, look at the percentages of an affair relationship and what the chances of survival are.
she is giving up the best for something that is going to fall apart in the end anyway.
just be that great dad, move on for yourself......go out and have some fun........
when she is at the regretful stage, you will have moved on.......and then she will feel what you are now........
things always have a pay back and she will get hers too.
she has only been in that relationship for a couple of months, it won't last.....
just wait and watch reality hit her square in the face.............
you make sure you and your kids rights are protected, she is not your concern anymore.............
hang in there.
jessi

Kirby (below) is totally right. The flipping out is just that - flipping out, and it's short term. Ignore it and focus on what you want for your kids, long term. DON'T believe a word she says (hello?). EVERYTHING has to be in writing. And you MUST have a lawyer for this type of subject. It will be hard to even get a judge to agree to it (per my lawyer from when I was going thru this part of it); especially without a lawyer. Are you willing to do the same: no OS overnights/ no GF's for a year wth kids around?

This for me was the hardest part about D. I had to suddenly trust that my kids would be safe with someone who had habitually lied to me and decieved me for at least a year prior. I had no confidence in her decision making capabilities; the reason I insisted to have them every Friday night (party night). But I couldn't control all the variables and still do mediation which I felt was better overall - fortunately it has worked out so far. The separation agreement is solid though and although we're flexible I can enforce it anytime.
You have to pick your battles wisely with D and not base that on your emotions - just waht is best fo rthe kids. If OM is a real POS/loser (which he obviously is if he's shacking with a Married woman), pursue the NC with your kids, but I can tell you the court doesn't care to discern a standup boyfriend from a cheating SOB family wrecker.

opt

Agree 100% on what Optimism is telling you.

My lawyer advised against pursuing any sort of limited contact agreement (no overnight visitors, not being introduced to OM for a year)for several reasons.

1) It is largely unenforceable. Say you find out she had an overnight visitor, then what do you do? You could go so far as to file a motion and see a judge, but that's just more legal fees down the drain and a court that likely won't care or enforce the agreement.

2) It may backfire. You may recover more quickly than you think and be in the position to want to introduce someone to your kids more quickly than you think (it happened to me and Opt).

3) You would probably have to give up some assets or even some custody rights to secure the clause (the same one that is unenforceable anyway).

4) Unless there is a sordid history of drug use or abuse, the court does not distinguish between a standup OM (now there's an oxymoron) and a deadbeat one.

The best way to have some control is a "right of first refusal" clause. The way mine works is that each of us have the option to have the kids if they are supervised by anyone other than the parent for more than 4 hours.

I cannot stress this enough.

It sounds like the agreement is being written up by your WW and her lawyer, then you are simply reviewing it.

Bad, bad move. My lawyer tried and successfully slipped in a few favorable clauses that even my xww's lawyer didn't catch. You do not have enough knowledge to review her agreement on your own. You HAVE to have a lawyer that represents YOUR interest OK the agreement.

ive got the paperwork at home to look over for the weekend. ill see what its says, i have not had a chance to look at it yet.

ITA

You MUST have your own lawyer. Sometimes "legalese" can have a very strong specific meaning that isn't apparent if you are not accustomed to that kind of language.

Also, my attorney always advises against the right of first refusal clause because it can cause so many problems. If your parents wanted the children to come for a visit, a ROFR means that they can never go alone to Gramma's house without your WXW's permission.

I heard of someone on another forum who cannot let their 10yo go to summer camp because the ROFR clause. The other parent has an unreasonable dislike of camp and the kid can't go without a court order.

You need your own lawyer who knows what is reasonable and customary in your area. He or she will know exactly how restrictive you can be in your custody agreement and what simply will not fly.

BTW, "reasonable" is a legal term with a specific meaning. What you think is reasonable is not necessarily what is reasonable for legal purposes.

I'm joining the chorus here too. You need someone who is looking out solely for your interests. That doesn't mean you can't cooperate and do it amicably. It's worth the peace of mind to know you have a lawyer looking out for you and your kids.

I can see this point. I guess it's an individual thing, though. I love my ROFR. It means wxw has to call me when D9 needs a ride, say from....OM#2, or if it would be convenient for her to leave either kid with anyone for even 5 minutes. I would rather stop what I'm doing at work to be there for my D9 than have wxw be able to use her own judgement about who is okay to supervise my kid.
It hasn't been a probelm for me because when I have my kids, I have my kids- babysitters are a rare occasion.

However, there would never be a problem if one of us wanted either kid to stay with their own grandparent, for heaven's sake; we just haven't reached that level of discord.

opt

I'm very happy for you that it works that way. That's how it ought to be, but my WXH is not like that. A FROR clause with him would be a complete nightmare.

Of course it makes a huge difference that my minor children are teenagers. They can be alone during the day with no problem. I can go out of town overnight and leave them under the "care" of their older sisters.

Lostman, you need to carefully consider whether or not your WstbXW would be cooperative before you decide if you want FROR.

Thanks for the different views. i was going to look at the paperwork this weekend, but ended up having the kids all weekend when it was hers. THey just didnt want to be with her. I will look at it this week.

It looks like everthing in the paper work is fine, except a few things i want a little better. It states no visits from opposite sex overnite from either party which is good. I want more from her on no contact with other man for a year. I dont think this can be a thing that i can have put in the paperwork and make enforceable. Im trying to figure out how i can get this in writing some how and make it mandatory. Any thoughts.

The kids already have a hard time wanting to go to her house, I dont think she needs to make it worse by bringing another man into the picture. She is giving her word that she will wait a year, but we all know we cannot trust WW. looking for options.

Just put it in, I really don't know how it would be enforced.......Your wife will have to put the kids first here......at least your wife will know it is looked down on by you to have that kind of contact during the transition period........
I'm sorry the kids are having a difficult time with it, I hope that gets easier for them.
Hopefully she will see herself that the kids are struggling and not add to that for her own selfish reasons........
hang in there lost.............
jessi

The kids dont want her most of the time and she knows it. My oldest had a field trip friday and she was going to go. The teacher asked her not to come as there would be several other mom and kids that would not go because of her. That was a really low day for her. She was confronted by OMXW at school and she told her know one wants to see her at the school. You know you would think that this would really bother her, but she has not swayed her thinking any. She tries to tell me some of the things om says to her and i know they are crap. Not just because i want to say it, but because i know from OMXW. When you get to liars together they can make anything great.

Lostman,

Your wife will not see it until that affair fails like all the others do.
good for the teacher and the OMXW for standing up for the betterment of all involved, your wife needs to understand that there are consequences to her......
It will fall apart when she realizes all she has had to give up and you know what he might not be that prince she thinks he is.........
Let it play out, let it fall apart and watch how remorseful and regretful she will be.....
Some people only learn by experience...............
Take care of the kids as well as you can and yourself, hold your head up high and walk tall........
jessi

Thanks Jessi, im trying but its harder than hell!

I doubt your wife is that shallow--hearing all that stuff (which is great, by the way) probably hit pretty hard. So she'll try to compensate and put Mr. Wonderful up on a pedestal but she knows, deep down, that it's all wrong.

My suggestion? Quit talking to her about anything other than the scheduling of visitation or medical matters. Nothing else. In some twisted way, it sounds like she's still getting some need met by you and it's doing you harm to still have a toe in her sandbox.

Ha good point. I unfortunately have not had the opportunity to not talk to her. She got dumped by OM last night. Dont know why,Dont know for how long. But she is screwed up today. She is still pursuing divorce today, and im not sure what is going on in her life. but i know its upside down:)