I sort of stumbled into it accidentally. Recently discovered that if you click on "Who's Online" it takes you to a list of posts being read - how cool is that??? and I've been on the boards how long now???
Yesterday someone was reading a thread titled:
I'm sorry, but I have to give up. I clicked on it and from there started reading posts by mercy (because I saw she was a FWW) and hopefulcis (also a FWW). The TGTLTBTS book came up several times in their posts, I was curious, and started looking at info on the book and author. I don't know what happened to mercy, but hopefulcis and her BH ended up divorced.
From what I can gather on the diagnostic - I've seen the questions but none of the author's examples - many of the q's focus on needs-meeting, for example (and I'm cutting and pasting a few here - there's 35 questions):
- In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile? (RC)
- Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about? (C)
- Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it�s more likely that he�s lying than that he�s telling the truth? (O&H)
- Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you�re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back? (Not a need, but here's the issue of expectations and perhaps serves to distinguish a buyer/renter mindset)
- Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other? (AF, SF)
- Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you�re trying to do that are important to you? (AD, C)
- Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle? (ENs in general)
- Is there some particular need that�s so important to you that if you don�t get it met, looking back you�ll say your life wasn�t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met? (ENs in general again)
- When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it? (SF, AF, other intimate ENs)
- Does your relationship support your having fun together? (RC)
- Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together? (Could be FS, FC, O&H, AD)
Now, some of the questions are clearly gender-biased, and I wonder whether she wrote them that way in her original book or was this a liberty the authors of the website took with her work...but I see the questions being suitable for either gender.
When I read the questions I initially started thinking of how my M is now and realized that is not what I need to be measuring...I would need to assess the M as it was pre-A. Although, if Dr. H's program for recovery is followed, then more of these questions would be answered in a positive manner and the M would be better than pre-A...
I know marriages can become great marriages if the MB plan is followed - the program makes sense and appeals to me on many levels - I wouldn't have stuck around if it didn't! But I get to points where I get so down and so stuck. I love him more than anything, but don't know if I'm even being rational about "us" anymore...another of the q's asks about your "bottom line," which if your spouse violates it would be a dealbreaker. And while no one gets married thinking they would stand for infidelity, some people do react quite differently when faced with those circumstances...others? Who am I to say it's NOT a dealbreaker for my H?
And I also read
Sex with STBXH and
Should FWS stop trying and accept? You get where my mind was yesterday?? It's this thing -->
I didn't want to clutter up my thread considering the merits of a diagnostic instrument that may ultimately be useless.
a little in my mouth and also made me rather cautious before looking any further into her writings.
