Expose to all your friends and family at one time, not a little here and there; doing in little dibs and dabs will alert the affair partners and drive them underground. It may even help them huddle together all the closer as they play out the "us against the world." The goal of exposure is to put pressure on the affair and to end it. Their little fantasy world needs to blow up into reality.

Even though her father committed adultery a few years ago, he may have learned from what he did (let's hope he did) and be able to put some pressure on her.

The vets here say that your marriage can withstand her anger, but it cannot survive an on ongoing affair.

**edited**, this is where you need to start. Like today, right now.

Have you checked his fb page? Have you checked intelius and spokeo?

Do you know his address or phone number??

Ok, I just looked on facebook and it looks like the OM's wife has unfriended him. She was listed as his wife and is no longer there.

**edited**, do you want to bust up this affair or not?? Because you're sounding awfully accommodating about it!

- You accept your WW's decision to continue to work with her affair partner.
- No real exposure
- Giving up on finding OMW before you've even cracked open the white pages of your telephone book. And she's your most critical exposure target! We've had BS's fly to other states to expose to the other betrayed spouse!

Ok. The problem is I am 90% sure the affair is over. I was going to expose things to get some help from our families to keep it over and hopefully cause her to decide that she wants our M to work. She had decided to make it work a week ago, but has since gotten negative about our chances of working things out.

It could be that she is having continual withdrawal from the OM or it could be that she is back in touch with him. I just have to be gentle with what I do so that I don't drive her back to him with demands.

Have you put a GPS on her car?
You should be able to KNOW where she is at all times.

Ha Ha. No It's not that I am not committed to ending it. I am just doing to best I can to move forward and not backward. In the end if she wants to lie and cheat she will. I have to make her want to come back. Not threaten her. She did commit to cutting off all communication with the OM. She asked a friend at school to help her stay true to her word. She also started working on connecting with me again, but has since lost the enthusiasm. I thought we were on the way to recovery but now am not sure of her commitment. I am trying to make her want to commit. Not force her to.

Dr Harley is adamant about two things when recovering an affair ~ 1)exposure and 2)demanding NC.

If either of these things *drive* your W away, then she is still in the fog and there is no M anyway.

The A is not over, Steve. And you are going to have to get over this fear of upsetting her because exposure DOES make the WS upset ~ and that's a good thing. It means you are interering with the A which is the first step to crumbling the fantasy.

Is that even legal? That sounds extreme. I feel like I can either consume my whole life being paranoid, or I can work on making her want to come back to me. If I make her life miserable she is just going to leave.

Thanks for the feedback. I just ordered it. The reviews were on Amazon btw.

If it is your car, yes it is legal.

You should be paranoid. When dealing with a WS, you basically have to assume the A is continuing until you can verify that it is not.
Take the advice or leave it but understand that all waywards follow a script and we can more accurately predict what your W will do than you can because we see the same things over and over and over again.

This makes no sense. She's already told you that she is unhappy. Has she left? NO.

Your percentage is off by about 10% for being as complacent as you are. And I've got my own statistic - I'm 90% sure the affair is alive and is going underground as we speak.

**edited**,

Please take it from me...I resisted and resisted exposure becasue it seems counter-intuitive and I was afraid to drive my W away.

But then I learned that a M can survive an agry spouse, but not a spouse still involved in an A.

I exposed.

My W went apes**t...so much so she exposed herself to another person or two I missed....

And she went nowhere (right on, marital!), because they know, they KNOW, the A was wrong, and the AP in NOT an improvement over their spouse/family...a temporary 'fix' maybe, but NEVER the solution.

And they know it.

Is the reason you don't want to put a GPS?VAR in the car that you are afraid of what you'll find out? Are you even checking her cell phone records for goodness's sake?

I am concerned in you are in some stage of denial because you don't seem to be understanding what has been posted to you.

**edited**, I hope you will wake up because this is A is still on. And the tools that ever other BS has had to use to fight the A and recover their M, you are going to have to use as well.

When they still work together, there is no chance for recovery.

With no exposure, your W is likely to remain in the fog. Even if you can get her to leave the job, the A has a high chance for reigniting or for her to start another A. Dr Harley recommends exposure even in cases where the A had ended years previous...

If you want help following the MB plan, let us know.

Either way, you MUST contact the OMW and let her know about the A and I would give her your phone number if she has questions. This is the only way that you can be sure she knows the truth about her H.

**edited**, I understand your dilemma. Being married to an Elementary Educator myself I have seen the ups and downs of �team� teaching. Thank God my wife has both feet firmly planted on the ground and is truly in love with me! That�s not to say we didn�t/haven�t had problems for we did but mostly on my end not hers. She�s a Scotsman and would never give up the fight and I will be forever grateful for that.

I don�t know how the economy is in your neck of the woods but in mine it stinks. Teachers around here are on the fence and being laid off with as much as 10 years of service. Nothing is granted after all. So to change positions, if that�s even possible, might mean losing some very valuable tenure as well as reduction in income if a new position could be found. So that�s a tough nut to crack no matter what your take on the situation is.

What would I do? I would tell administration about the problem, including the school superintendent, their principal and any other authority that will listen letting them know how you and your LAWYER have grave concerns about this situation!

This is what concerns me. If you aren't bringing this up how will it be discussed? How will you make plans to turn this around if you don't even discuss STEP ONE? Is your main goal to avoid her wrath at all costs or is to save your marriage, **edited**? I would consider this.


You have this backwards. It is HNHN that does that. This is WHY you need SAA.


You need to read SAA in order to focus on recovery. HNHN does not have elements like extraordinary precautions nor does it explain the dynamics of an affair. An affair is not something that can be just swept under the rug. Once the EPs are in place and you have ALL THE FACTS ABOUT THE AFFAIR, you can move onto the next step and THEN it should not be brought up again.


Yes, please do pick up SAA. While the chapter on infidelity in HNHN is good, it is not nearly comprehensive enough. Additionally, I would watch Dr Harley's video on the "How to Survive Infidelity" article together.


Do yourself and your wife a huge favor and call her YOURSELF. It is likely a) that this is a LIE and b) if true, the OMW needs to know why her marriage has crumbled. This is crucial information to the OMW.


There are underlying issues and the OM is the ENTIRE REASON she can't commit. You will not move forward unless and until the OM is completely out of your lives. It is like an alcoholic. A falling down drunk cannot do Step One of the twelve steps until he stops drinking. Your wife has not stopped drinking. Listen to this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652


**edited**, just tie up these loose ends, be brave and firm with her and this will work out.

What you are doing by keeping their secret is enabling the affair. They still see each other at work every day and have every opportunity to carrry on their affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and the more she WAKES UP from this fantasy. Exposure is the best weapon you have against the affair.

Your whole family should know. Your folks, her folks, her employer. You are HURTING her by keeping this a secret.

**edited**,

I still beat myself up becasue I didn't do exposure as fully as I should have...BUT, even what I did do in telling my W's family, our children was big...telling OMs employer and getting him canned from the jobsite was even bigger...and I think the vets may even agree with this -- telling OMs family (mom, sisters, brother) was the BIGGEST factor in exposing that I feel attests to the A being killed...

Throw light on this and you will quickly know if your W wants to recover the marriage...if not, it's really a marriage anyway, is it?

(Wanted to add, **edited**: My W -- to my face and to her aunt/uncle in my presence -- actually THANKED ME for exposing OM to his employer and getting him away from her job).

**edited**, like so many of the BH here you are failing to look at this from a female perspective.

If another man starts hanging around your woman -

and you do NOTHING except say, well, uh, uh, I don't really like that too much, honey, but uh, if it uh, makes you happy, uh, I don't want you to be mad at me, so, uh, if it makes you happy . . . uh . . .

and you just SIT THERE and let her go off with some other man -

there is NO GREATER WAY you could tell this woman that

YOU

DON'T

CARE

ABOUT

HER

If you are willing to just sit back and wait while she's out with another man, then why the *bleep* should she waste her time with you?? All you are doing is showing her that you don't care if some other man wants her and you're actually okay with that.

This is a big reason why Nuclear Exposure works so well in the case of Wayward Wives - because it shows the WW that her man is willing to stand up and FIGHT for her. I hope you will think about this.