So, I started posting in the Marriage section here, but I decided because of the events over the weekend that I would change to this forum. Any advice would be appreciated! My emotions are all over the place.

Hi! Welcome!

On the Marriage Builders forum, we encourage people to have a single (often very long) thread so it's easy to go back to the beginning and keep each person's story straight. That's a different custom from most of the forums that I frequent, but it works really well here.

It would be helpful if you could click on the "Notify" button on the bottom of your post and tell a moderator that you started a thread in Marriage 101 and would like to have it moved to this forum instead.

It sounds to me like you are making the right decision to separate from your abusive husband. If you think you need anti-depressants to get through the next few months, see your doctor. Many of us here in the divorcing forum have found them helpful. (((soughtout)))

soughtout-

I'm so sorry that you are here. I understand how it feels to have your emotions scattered. I agree about the meds, with the correct dosage it will help. You will not be numb, but a little more focused where you can deal a little more effectively.

I will think about the meds, although the one time I tried them, I did not like them.

Things are pretty quiet here. We haven't talked to each other much. I am just trying to get through today and tomorrow since I have two more finals to take before the semester ends.

After that, I will need a day or so to rest before making the next step. I do have an email in to my lawyer to see if it would cost more to go ahead with the divorce. They may end up making me pay again, since it's been a year.

I have a question. Did you all suspect affairs at different times? He has never admitted to it, and I haven't ever found evidence. I guess it may not even matter at this point.

Frankly, I'm really happy that I did not get involved in any emotional affairs during our marriage. I'm not saying that I was never tempted because I WAS starving for friendship and understanding.

It seems like the people who post here are in a different category. IOW, I'm thinking there's two kinds of cheaters. Those who are addicted to 'sex' or at least the new 'in love' feelings. They cheat repeatedly with no remorse. Then, there's the person who is in an abusive marriage who is starving for affection and love and ends up in an affair where they feel guilty the whole time and don't know how they got there. Many times, the new 'love' is just as abusive as the husband (or wife).

Either way, the cheating spouse is responsible for their own behavior. They cannot blame the other spouse for it. I'm really glad that I loved myself enough to not cheat no matter how bad my husband treated me.

In the case of my husband, even though he is aware that his behavior is killing our marriage, he refuses to get help. He refuses to take responsibility for his own life.

It seems like most(or all)of the people who post here with cheating spouses have spouses in the first category. They are not being neglected or abused. They just chose to go outside of their marriage. My heart goes out to those husbands and wives who suffer because of it....

make sure you read the background on the advice givers if you want to make your marriage workout. Most of the advice you get will be to dump him... of course in different words.. or He is having an affair.... if he breaths, he is unfaithful. Start working on yourself. Detach. ******EDIT***** If you want your marriage back, fight for it. Sometimes that means not interacting at all. In any case if you want to stay married never give up hope... that will surely end the relationship. Abuse is not a good thing and should not be tolerated. Be careful what you read on it though. ***EDIT****

At this point, I'm conflicted. I don't know if I want to save the marriage. What marriage? He just wants to gloss over his issues without actually addressing them. He told me he would not see a counselor. He knows I will not allow anymore name calling/threats. His solution has been to stay gone until bedtime every night and has barely said two words to me.

He's punishing me for being 'unreasonable'. Everyone yells, gets mad, etc.............

What sealed it for me is the fact that he says he doesn't see anything wrong with the things he says/does. I'm the one who is expecting too much. My response was "How will we know if I'm overreacting unless we go talk to a professional"?

I'm currently looking high and low for a job. After I get one, I may have to leave since he's now saying that he is not going anywhere.

I have no emotional energy left to fight................

I thought he was going to stay at the cabin. And that he was willing to keep his drinking away from the family. What happened to that agreement?

He changed his mind the next morning. It was like we never even had the conversation. He told me that I'd have to do the leaving. The next few days, he got super sweet and acted like we were best buddies and tried to be intimate as such. Anyway, I didn't respond to him except to ask if he was going to go to counseling with me or alone and he refused. After a couple of days of this, he completely shut down. He refused to stay at home and worked all day and then went fishing all evening until bed time. We barely spoke.

I have been praying and praying this week that God will either make him willing to get help or get him out of here. I can't take much more emotionally. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.

So, this morning I texted my best friend that I was really depressed over his silence this week. Somehow (a God thing maybe), the text went to him, not her. I have NEVER had this happen before.............ever!

So, two hours ago, he came home from work early and asked me about the text. I was stunned. He packed some things and left for the cabin. I asked again if he would consider counseling and he refused. He was really nice about the whole thing, but who knows about tomorrow.

Please keep me and the kids in your prayers. I need a job and the strength to keep him out.

I am in complete shock!~

You have your answer.

I'm sorry he's not willing to get help. OTOH, what a RELIEF to have him out of the house. At least for now.

I agree. What a relief to not have to be around him tonight. I did everything I could to save my marriage. I have no guilt in that regard. There is nothing more I could have done.

The truth is, the healthier I became emotionally, the less I was able to overlook. I can't even imagine a relationship where the husband cares about his wife's emotional needs.

I have no idea how this is all going to play out. I filed for divorce last year, but called it off when he decided to go to counseling (that lasted about two sessions past the divorce cancellation). I have a call in to the lawyer, but I won't get an answer until next week on whether or not I will have to pay all over again. If so, this could drag out for who knows how long because I have no money.

Just an observation as I go through this divorce (and no, I see no way of reconciliation at this point). As more and more of our friends and family find out, they are trying to offer opinions. I've had to turn several down b/c I only have a select few people that I trust to talk about it with. I'm amazed at those who are trying to place guilt on me. I've heard comments like "Well, things were bad in my marriage but we stuck it out and things worked out" or "God can do anything", etc.......... Another had the nerve to tell me that most of what he has done/said would have been acceptable to people just a generation or two ago. Okay? Isn't that how the cycle of abuse is continued? I don't care if everyone else is doing it, if it's wrong and hurts me and our kids emotionally, it's wrong and I'm not going to accept it as okay.

He stopped by to "see the kids" yesterday and give me some more money. I counted at least three direct verbally abusive comments towards me. He hasn't changed. I get the feeling though that he's still trying to gauge how much I will "take".

I just tried to stay out of the room as much as possible. He took a few more of his things when he left. I have most of the stuff in the house boxed up. He seemed surprised that I did that.

Basically, I feel like raw hamburger..

The less I see him or hear him, the easier it is. When I'm around him, I just feel like I have to rescue him again, and that will not help anything.

Soughtout � first (((((((HUGS))))))))))

You are not alone. I grew up with the emotional and verbal abuse from my mother, married my first husband who had multiple PA's, divorced him after ten years, was single for 7 years, married second husband, we are in the process of a divorce now. The second one? He chose cyber affairs, since in his head, they are not 'real' since he 'never had physical sex with anyone'. Um, yeah, OK. What was that then? Make believe sex?

Anyway, he was very emotionally abusive in the marriage, and yes, I know about the starving for attention, the friendship, the understanding. Like you I chose not to have any EA's or PA's though it was at times, tempting. I believed in my vows more than that.

Emotional and verbal abuse, I did not really know any better, it was my entire life! Physical abuse, yeah, I knew that was wrong, we did not have much of that growing up, and when my first husband hit me one time, I ripped him to shreds and said don't EVER do that again, it made such an impression he warned this husband never to try it. I've only been hit the one time, so that was easy to know it was wrong.

I've been separated 19 months now from this one, and I can assure you it DOES get better! I read the post I have on here now, and realize just how far I've come since that time, and in large part that is due to friends and my counselors.

If you are not getting counseling, go. Not for the marriage, not for your husband, but for YOU. You CAN break the cycle! You CAN teach your kids there is another way!

For those offering advice, (not that I call what they are saying as advice,) about how their marriages were worse and they made it, and saying a generation ago this was acceptable, and blah blah blah, tell them where they can get off the boat too. IT is NOT acceptable! It is NOT OK!

It's a long hard road, but you will make it!

There comes a time when we just have to stop beating our heads against the brick walls, and move over to the door. I found a whole new world outside that door, one I am enjoying to the full extent I can! Take care of YOU and the kids, he will fall on his face all on his own, or he will realize what he lost, but that's just it, it's HIS loss, not yours!

I'm thankful neither of mine were alcoholics, that just compounds the situation.

I realized something last night. I've been going thru pictures, scanning them into my computer lately. Our 'wedding' picture (which I left with him) and the picture of the family when our daughter was 18 months old are the ONLY pictures that both of us have been in. Since 1993. That is sad.

Be good to yourself! You did what you could, and that is enough. Now it's time to be good to you, and look for YOUR future.

Good for you. I don't know if I would have ever made the decision to get divorced if my abusive husband had not ALSO had an EA. When I tried to tell people what happened in the marriage, they totally blew off concerns about emotional/verbal abuse, but they "got it" when I said he had a girlfriend.


That's been my experience, too.

I've suspected my husband plenty of times, I just never caught him, and he adamantly denies that he's ever had an affair. I KNOW that he had, at least, an EA with a lady when we were separated. At that point, we were 'trying' to work on our marriage. I think things got more serious between them, and he decided that he wanted a divorce. I filed. A month later, that relationship ended, and he decided that he wanted to work on the marriage again. He never told me about it, just that she talked to him about her problems, but I have other sources that know her personally who know that more than that happened, just not sex that they know of.

All of a sudden, he got sober and started going to church, he made a lot of promises and I took him back.

I do know that he's being going to her families house again, although I don't know anything more than that. I stopped trying to find out what he's up to last week when he moved out. I figure it's counterproductive to stay attached to him that way.

This week, I'm focusing on continuing to try to find a job, and spending time with the kids. That's about all I have in me, I don't have any energy to keep up with him too.

Btw............happy anniversary to me.........NOT! Not that any of them were ever happy. He pretty much ignored our anniversary after the first one. Even on the few occasions that I got him to take me out to eat, he made it so miserable that I wished I hadn't tried.

{{{{Soughtout}}}

I only have a second. I feel bad because I was going to come on here this morning and give you a hug, because you told me what today was. I'm sorry, I was mired in my own grief.

As you said to me, you are not alone in this. I understand your pain, and I'm sorry you're here too.

I've heard from others who have gone down this crappy path before us, that all the "firsts" are the most difficult. The first anniversaries, the first birthday's, holidays, etc. And the second ones don't sting as much. By the third time, we should be well on our way. I'm able to get through today on the belief that others have been here and survived, even thrived. Just for today, I have to believe in something.

Here's to the hope that the wise Having Faith/Amartini spoke of on my thread today.

Thinking about you. {{{[Soughtout}}}}

I was doing so good earlier. I've tried to stay busy today, but as the evening winds down, it's hitting hard..............

I'm between a nap and bed, and wanted to check on you.

Yes, winding down was always a place I dreaded because I knew the thoughts would come in. Going to a movie last night (a comedy/The Hangover 2) helped to get me out of my mind. But once I got home and settled in, the thoughts and the tears came. My son tried to console me, I was inconsolable.

I lived through it. I woke up and put my floor on the floor this morning. I went about my day with a heavy heart. As the day progressed, I leaned on the words that were provided to me here, and I got through another one of the hard days.

Because I put my foot on the floor this morning, I lived to read the wise thoughts of those here and began to feel better, I had THREE men flirt with me today...even though my heart was heavy, and had the chance to eat one of my favorite sandwiches I'd been craving for weeks.

Even one of my downest days had some joy in it. You just have to put your foot on the floor.


{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}