i just found out from my husband of 13 years that the "emotional" affair he had 5 years ago while i was carrying our 4th child was in fact a physical affair. i want to know details like how long it went on, did he use protection, why he stayed with me and didn't leave me for her, etc. of course my curiosity would love to know all the other details as well, but i don't know how healthy that would be.

i am most upset that he lied to me about it all those years ago. i found out while in the hopsital delivering my baby, he was calling her up to tell her the good news. i felt so betrayed at the time and he did everything he could to cover it up. but in the end i found her phone number in his phone hiding under his cousins name.

he assured me it was only emotional, a friendship. but now he has admitted it was more.

i just want him to be open and honest with me so we can heal and move on.

Tell him that, tell him that you are putting together all kinds of stories in your head and instead of letting that happen the truth would be truth and you could hear and then let it go.............
It may be helpful to figure out what was missing in the relationship for him to even allow an affair to happen.......
I do hear you about the lies, for me that was a difficult thing as well.
If he thinks it would be to difficult to do in person then maybe you two could use a note book and pass it back and forth with questions from you and answers from him........
For you sometimes ignorance is bliss, I am one that needs to know so I don't create a bigger story in my head, or more of an importance to what is really was.....
Finding out about the protection part is smart and for your health it is crucial.
If he truly is committed to the marriage and truly is remorseful he shouldn't have a problem answering any questions you might have............
good luck, stay on board lots of great folks here who have already lived your life....
jessi

*** LINK *** to Joseph's letter

Read & print & share with your H.

Best of luck.

Hello timnlia,

I'm so sorry for all that your going through, but you've come to the right place. If you haven't read through the truly helpful info on the MB site then I suggest you do so :-)

As far as details go, you have the right to know everything. A lot of the folks on the list have been exactly where you are right now and will have lots of good things to share. Just remember that you don't have to rush into anything. Do your best to interact with the posters and don't be afraid to ask questions.

Hang in there...

i'm so angry right now, can't stop crying......he says this is why he was right in thjat he never should have told me.....

timnlia,

Since the details are part of the truth, he needs to tell you everything you need to know. Lies, any lies, are no longer acceptable.

One good thing about know the details is you will not uncover something in the future that sets you back to dday.

I can tell you that stories that keep changing really suck.

You need to tell him that he has already hurt you and every lie or omission just prolongs that hurt.

God Bless
Gamma

timnlia, you should read this letter. I have put the link below...it may be just what you're looking for.

I'm praying for you.
Grace
Letter

He is not right, what we don't know DOES hurt us! When my (now ex) H had an A I knew something was wrong before I found out because it's like a wall coming between the two of you.

He should answer your questions, whatever you want to know and not be impatient about it either, he created the situation, so he can man up while you're adjusting to this new (for you) news.

Both of you need to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair". A lot of time WS think it's not necessary to go through this because it was so long ago, but that's not true. The violation you feel may be even greater because it was hidden for so long.

He needs to be like an open book to you, share passwords, etc. so it will help you feel like he isn't currently covering anything up...it's going to take you a while. The marriage can recover, but only if he is willing to take responsibility for it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, lia. But your WH has this all turned around wrong. It's not that he shouldn't have told you. It's that he never should have had the affair in the first place.

timnlia

I'm dealing with this:


My husband had an affair (his 3rd or 4th, I don't even know right now...) about 5 years ago, and we had a d-day then.

At the time, he gave me what we call "trickle truth". The truth dragged out for MONTHS, and each time he and I talked about his PA, I had to ask him the exactly right question in exactly the right way, using exactly the right wording, to get him to tell me something - anything - about what happened with him and his OW.

It came down to my using something called Plan FU, much inadvisable, before he finally realized that his plan of trickle truth would not work, and that he had to tell me the answers to my questions or he would lose the marriage.

His first excuse was he did not want to tell me about the affair because "she didn't mean anything to him". My response was that made me feel worse, because he was willing to throw away our marriage for A MEANINGLES RELATIONSHIP.

Next came, "what you don't know cannot hurt you, so I was protecting you by not telling you". My response was that each and every moment he failed to tell me about his affair was yet another moment of his failing to allow me the opportunity to make any changes in my own self, or my behavior, which might lead to a more positive marriage, and therefore, IT WAS HURTING ME, AND THE MARRIAGE. Furthermore, by failing to tell me the truth, he was committing a lie of OMISSION, and lying to someone is HURTING THEM. Finally, treating someone as though they have no right to the truth of their own life, their own relationship, their own marriage, as though they have no intellect or emotional ability to handle the truth, is the most disrepectful and demeaning and degrading way to treat a person, and most certainly is HURTFUL.

He also said that he "expected this sort of reaction", and that he "knew I would probably be hysterical about the whole thing". I told him that if he could name a person on the face of the earth who would not shed a tear upon hearing that the person they loved and trusted had completely betrayed them and disregarded them as inconsequential, lied to them, and turned their alliance and sexual love to another person, as well as shared intimate personal and private information with another person, then I would kiss his a$$.


He pretty much understood that I would stand my ground at that point.


You have every right to know about your own marriage. YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

You have every right to want to know what happened between your husband and ANY other woman, at any time, anywhere, EVER. He has given you solemn vows that state he is ONE WITH YOU. That means he and you are linked together, that his life is YOUR LIFE, and vice versa. You have a right to know.


As for his idea that your reaction is what he expected?????


THAT TELLS YOU THAT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND HE SHOULD HAVE KEPT HIS PANTS ON, SO YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO REACT.


See, what he is dealing with now is trying to avoid the responsibility for your reaction.


HE IS RESPONSIBLE. Do not forget that. YOU bear none of the blame for his lying, his affair, his stupidity, his lack of boundaries, his cover-up....none of it. That is on him, 100%.



Do not back down on that.


Until he owns that, your movement forward will be slow. If he wants to begin to recover, he needs to really understand that it begins with his telling you what YOU need to know, openly, honestly, no matter what shame he feels.


Shame is a very healing thing for waywards who want to recover.



SB

So sorry you are going through this...

A couple of things:

In addition to the questions you mentioned, you will also want to make sure to have a discussion about how the A started and how they conducted the A so that you can put EPs (extraordinary precautions) in place to prevent another affair from happening and to ensure there is absolutely NO CONTACT with this OW. No FB contact, no email contact, NOTHING.

You may also want to tell your H that you will provide a safe environment (no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements, etc and if you need to, you will leave the room to collect yourself) for him to answer your questions. It may help him open up.

Hang in there. {{timnlia}}

thank you to everyone for their encouragement and advice. i felt like i am not wrong for wanting to know the details, but he feels it is unhealthy. i have pretty much let him know that if he wants me to continue working on our marriage, the open, honest truth is a must.

yes, i am now finding myself questioning everything from our past 13 years. i am his 4th wife. he cheated on wife number one and then she retaliated and cheated on him with his friend. i would have thought he learned something from that experience, but i guess not.

i am so incredibly hurt because i am such a loyal wife that i find that i am actually offended if i find a guy checking me out in any way. i do nothing to try and attract attention in any way from other men and he knows that and has always appreciated that about me. he has said today that he fears that i am going to cheat on him to "get back at him"......puhleeze! i have too much respect for myself!

our marriage has been rocky from the start. i was 20 and he was 31. we dated 6 weeks, got married, got pregnant on our honeymoon and the fighting started right off the bat. we now have 5 children and i have always been a stay at home homeschooling mom.

we have relocated to a different state, but until i get the details i am not feeling any better about the situation.

i am looking forward to getting through the pain and coming out on the other side. my 10 year old daughter doesn't know what exactly is going on but is familiar with us having issues, but sadly she just looked at me and said, "mom, i don't mean this to hurt you, but i don't want a marriage like you and dad's." that breaks my heart, but i told her i don't blame her. so sad.

Did you ask him why he thinks it's unhealthy? For whom? He thinks the truth is unhealthy for your marriage? Does he consider DIShonesty a good thing for your marriage?

That's normal,sister. I'm sorry.

You have every right to know 100% about your marital state. Your WH does not have the right to hide that from you. And you will not heal until your questions are answered. Don't be afraid to insist upon this.

he thinks it is unhealthy for our marriage to tell me the details....as if he tells me and i would be unable to forgive him and get past it. i explained to him that until i know and experience the excruciating pain and disappointment from knowing the truth, the healing cannot take place.

i think he is just too uncomfortable and ashamed of himself.

i have made myself 100% clear and i will not back down that he must answer any and every question i have or else this marriage will not be able to continue. we will have nothing to build on if he continues in his dishonesty and lies.

Now read it. See where he's full of it? It's wayward-speak. Ask him if he thinks it's important for each of you to know the truth of your lives, or would lies suit the purpose?

Don't let him spin you. He needs to come clean if the two of you are going to rebuild your marriage. The lies have to stop. (And believe me, he's told you more lies.)

Time for your WH to fess up and come clean.

he makes a lot of very hurtful statements when he's angry at me. so today a few times he remarked that his affair being only emotional may or may not have been the truth. so a while later we were hashing out the usual problems in our marriage and i brought his statement up. he is not a very good liar (thankfully) and i hounded him until he admitted it.

i thought that just knowing the truth that it indeed was physical would be enough, but it seems now that it opened a can of worms up inside of me.

although i have chosen to forgive him, i am so hurt right now that he is unwilling to be open and honest.

is it normal for me to be embarrassed and ashamed of him?

i kicked him out tonight because i can't stand to be in the same house right now. i told him that i am 100% committed to our marriage and am willing to put the effort into making it great, but he must first come clean and give me the answers that i need.

there is a small part of me that fears this may be the end......that our marriage and family may not be worth it to him....uugghhhh!

i never imagined i would be walking in these shoes.....

"although i have chosen to forgive him, i am so hurt right now that he is unwilling to be open and honest."

I dont understand how you can forgive him if you dont know the extent of his deceit?? ok so you know it was PA, would you forgive him if it was unprotected?? would you forgive him if it happened in your house etc?? I just dont think you can say you forgive him until he tells you what you need to know and then you are in a better postition to forgive him.

I would make a list of all the questions you need him to answer then read them again carefully to see if there are any questions you might not be able to handle the answer to. Then give him the questions and tell him that you carefully chose these questions because they are what you need answered in order to begin to move on, you know what you need and ask him to respect the fact that you know yourself and thats the decision you made and not to belittle your feelings by not acknowleging how importaint this is to you. Then leave him with the questions ask him to come and find you when he is ready to talk.

you cant keep fighting like this it not healthy for either of you or the children (never mind LBs etc), he might be hiding beacause of shame, he might not be taking this seriousely and he might be scared of hurting you by not answering he questions but if you do it in a calm manner by writing down what you need to know and giving it to him so he can think over the information he is about to give you, you might get a more positive result.

i suppose i am determined to work through all of the pain and choose to forgive him no matter what. i am not wanting to know the details so i can decide then if we move on or stay married. i need the answers to my questions so i will be able to move on without being tormented by my imagination and all the unanswered questions.

the duration...where it took place.....when he was able to do it (he is never away from me and the kids except at work, which she was a co-worker, i knew that years ago...but he even came home everyday for lunch) what caused him to do it...what caused him to end it...and so on. these are some of the questions that i want answers to.

they are not make it or break it for my marriage as far as the answers go, but his unwillingness to answer them is.