Does anyone have NC with OW but stil has C with OC? Has the OC grown up like this, how does it affect the OC to know that her/his parents don't speak. Does anyone have actual visitation or custody of OC but NC with OW?

Thank you

married 8 years
3 COM
OC due July

Hoping, many people have no contact with the OP and if someone tells you they DO, they are endangering their marriage, so you wouldn't want to take advice from them. Please listen to Dr Harley in this regard. If your spouse MUST have contact with the OC, then he can NEVER have contact with the OP.

What matters is NOT how that affects the OC but how contact will affect your marriage and the security of your own family. Your marriage and your children's family should not be sacrificed for the interests of the OC.

It is very important that you follow Dr Harley's advice in this situation. Those that don't have very serious issues and crippled marriages. You are much more likely to end up in divorce if you don't follow Dr Harley's guidelines.

Hoping,

Has DNA been done yet? What is the current state of your marriage in recovery from the A? I ask because C with OC is a no, no until your M has healed. Otherwise you are putting the cart before the horse. YOUR marriage is the foundation of your family and what your COM most need is an intact family held together by a strong bond between their parents.

Now as for C vs NC with OW. Yes, it can be done. Either the spouse is the C for drop offs/pick ups and other forms of communication or you get an intermediary. Really it matters not at all what the OC thinks or especially what the OW thinks of this arrangement. Again, first and foremost is the state of your M.

My dear friend Delean-de has two, yes TWO OC in her life because her H did the pick ups and drop offs. I have another friend who has two OC in her life for the same reason. Allowing contact between affair partners is asking for the affair to resume. You are playing with fire. My H would have had another OC if the OW was not fixed after the birth but I still went through H E L L for almost 4 years after the OC was born because of false recoveries and lies/cover ups between them.

Waywards and OP's cannot be trusted to ever be in contact ever again.

Hoping, did you read the two threads I bumped for you?

No how do I do that?

Thank you for all your advice!

This one is about protecting yourself financially before the OC is born.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1595794#Post1595794

This was my thread from two years ago about the difficulties of recovering after an OC is in the picture.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2193725&page=1

Don't forget that we have CUSTODY of the OCS, not just contact. VD (OW) has been court ordered to pick up and drop off the children at their school...we allow her to p/u d/o at our house, instead...and we rarely see her. I doubt I've laid eyes on her in 3 or so. It's even more rare that we speak...and even that is too much contact, since she is still just as backwards and idiotic as the first time I spoke to her.

The custody part actually enables MORE distance with C, rather than less. If she raises a snit, we point her to the page and paragraph in the court papers and hang up.

My XH and I quit speaking 13 years ago. My son is graduating from college and getting M'ed this summer. The XH will be sitting 5 rows back at the wedding. My son totally understand why I don't speak to my XH. He doesn't have any issues. He knows his dad is a "mule". OC will need to unfortunately know that they were created by two individuals behaving immorally that resulted in their creation. That because of that their parents do not have further c. This will have to be explained over the years, as the understanding and recognition in the OC occurs. This is their life, this is how they came to be. It is the truth.

Oh AMEN to this statement!

I'll NEVER understand why it's advocated to spin this truth to an OC when it's APPARENT the child will grow up...and figure this out on their own anyway. The "advocates" are usually the ones who have not LIVED this...or is the Other Person trying to deny or minimize their wrong doings.

You may be able to delay telling this truth, but NO ONE gets to escape it. NO ONE!