Hey Mike,
What about packing your bags and starting anew somewhere else - together? This house, this neighbourhood, everything holds a tremendous amount of triggers for both of you. The world has already changed forever, so perhaps it would help to get a fresh start.

BTW, Dr Harley suggests that the nearest community should have been exposed to anyway (family, mutual friends etc). It is the best way to end the affair, hold the affair partners accountable and clear the fog. It seems that this has not been discussed on your thread very much. Perhaps the vets will chime in - should it be done now that the affair is already ended?

Wish you all the best and the strength of a superman. One day at a time.

Oh the rollercoaster is fun isn't it!

Breathe Mike, just keep breathing, the revelations have only been made in the last few weeks, it's going to take time hun, lots of it.

Hang on to the decision not to make a decision for 3 months, then re evaluate, come here, vent, listen to the vets, recover yourself.

I made a decision that I would recover, even if my marriage didn't, that took me to a place where I was able to look at the here and now, have a clear boundary around contact....ie any and I walk, but to enjoy the good stuff.

Someone here has a line in their sig that they don't need to be married that badly, once I realised that worked for me, things started to get better.

up and down, up and down, you will be doing that for a while. Don't do anything that can't be undone for now.

I just caught this. Mike, you have to understand that No Contact means NO CONTACT. Reading OM's emails is a form of contact for your WW. She should not be reading OMW's emails, either. You seem insistent upon treating your WW as though she is a victim. This needs to stop or it will bite you firmly on the [censored]. If you allow your WW to play the victim, no healing can take place, Mike.

And I'm assuming the unfortunate phone contact with OM is the last one, too, correct? She can't be 'wrapping things up' with him. That's all done.

Mikesmile,

A lot of us have felt exactly what you are today, I still hate my husband for what he has done to our lives, it changes everything, BS's always try to make sense of what happened and why, you can't do that, you will drive yourself crazy. You can't take on all the ugliness your wife chose for herself, it didn't have anything to do with you, it was her lack of boundaries and commitment or just knowing right from wrong.
You believe in love and marriage she didn't don't let that ruin it for you, you didn't do anything to be ashamed of, hold your head up high and know that you protected your family the right way............
Don't go down to where she is and has lived............all you can do is what is in you for you and your children, be proud of that..........
For you I think you need to give yourself time to figure out what you can do and deal with, what is the rush..........work on yourself, get comfortable with the fact that you have done what is right and you have to decide if this is a place you can live..........
She is accountable for her own actions and decisions, watch and learn see if she has it in her to make things right, it is the only way it will work for you, her effort now is the most important thing, not words actions..........
You are mad and hurt and that is understandable, but for you what good does that do you to hang on to............
Be there and fix things if you want but no one would blame you if you didn't and being dead would only let her win............that's the last thing you want......hehe!!
I know I felt that myself at one point, and then I said what they forgot was how strong I can be and how much of a fight I can put up to save what was mine.......I was not going to sit back and let something so selfish take what was mine and ruin what my kids loved and needed in their lives.......I stepped up to the plate when my husband was a selfish a**.
I learned to be the best me I could be I held my head up high and put everything I had learned in life about being honest and forgiving and compassionate and I did what I had to do and then I let the chips fall where they might and I learned to accept what would happen...........that is all we can do
jessi

Aha.. I just listened to the radio show of May 23 which discusses exactly the topic of exposure after the affair has already died. Basically it is not suggested if the affair happened long ago, unless the affair is rekindled or there is another affair.

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/...ten/im-going-to-hit-the-road-172898.html - in the last segment, beginning around 32:33.

Mike,

A word of advice. No Relationship conversation after midnight. You're tired, stressed and not making intelligent decisions when you are tired. Wihle you may have been able to function like this in the past (pre-A), the dynamic has changed and sleep is essential to clear thinking.

CV

MB-On Saturday I got an email or 2 actually from OM wife threatened to send out mass emails telling everyone we know about the A if I didnt get in touch with to discuss how my FWW is portraying herself as the victim and said my FWW spent a lot of time bad mouthing me to her philanderer husband and, this is good, her husband actually used to defend ME to my FWW. It was pretty intense. I showed my wife the emails and I calld OM wife the right away. I dialed furiously and she wasnt picking up, so my wife used another phone and called OM right in front of me and told him about the threats and that was it. No further conversatoin. I really beleive my FWW has no further interest in OM. This is not where my head is and it is of the smallest concerns in my recovery. I swear this. My FWW is experiencing some of the worst hurt imaginable and is on the cusp of losing everything she has, and potentially her children. I have little concern she wants him in any way. It was a bizarre relationship that makes my wife look really bad. Because of a need for the nicer things in life that I didnt deliver often enough, and Im really speaking of nice dinners, fancy clothings, jewelry, and just going out and having fun my wife fell into a relationship with this guy who in turn, as I see it and as he said in his email to us yesterday, used that money to control and manipulate my very shallow wife for years. It became less fun over time but my wife felt the money he gave her and the other little niceties was worth putting up with his nudging and demanding for sex. Sad, really for my wife and I told her I very mostly sad and embarrassed for her that. Im not saying there was no real love and affection early on, but that seemed to end and my wife was too weak to remove herself and lacked the interest.

About the only thing OM wife said in conversation with and emails which is absolutely true is my wife was very jealous of OM wife and wished she could be in the position. I then had to inform my wife that once you get to OM wife, you then have 1, 2, maybe 3 side babes hanging with your husband too. Is nice jewelry and fancy cars worth it.

By the way, things economically for OM have not been the same since early 2009 so the good life he provided for his wife, my FWW, and all the others has come to a halt. He still took care of my FWW, no doubt, just not the same. Doesnt mean much as my wife stuck around and was with him, but just a tidbit worth noting.

-I apologized to my wife for saying the things I said last night. She understands the pressure Im under and accepted and apologized again for everything.

Mike,

Others may have different ideas on this, but what i see is that the OM and OMW are triggers for you. You need to maintain that she have no contact. If for some strange freak of fate you have to be in contact with OM, make sure it is *YOU* and not her. She has no reason whatsoever to talk to him. You are in essence her "spokesman" before men. One of the EPs she should have in place is to never ever talk to OM again for any reason. He gets hit by a car? No flowers to funeral, no card, nada..

Anything as mundane as saying hi to OMW in a grocery store may serve as a trigger for you, so you need to avoid contact with her as well.


Another thought... This guy's a tool. I don't care how many times he apologizes... Don't care how close you perceived you were. If he was your friend and cared one bit he wouldn't have done this. Best revenge? Cut him off.

MB-

I dont want to post the entire email chain between me and OM wife because it has names and Im too lazy to edit it, but the emails back and forth were mainly my trying to help her out as on that day I was in good shape mentally and felt I had an upper hand as I had a foundation in my recovery because of the time spent here.

But suffice to say when we finished and it includeds my wife chiming in and his apology to me, I made it clear recovery require ZERO CONTACT with anyone involved. So, theres been no reply and we are continuing on with our lives separately.

All-They are cut off. This was the first contact from them since week 1, day 2. OMW seems to think her husband is Prince Charming and my wife couldnt live without his body and is deathly scared that they will eventually be reconnecting because true love is true love. BS. Nothing my wife has said or shown me or intimated or anything else says she has any thoughts about him. She really is just trying to rebuild what we have and I truly belive this. Its up to me to figure out how I can let her.

Mike, We have walked your shoes. If total Exposure hasn't happened it needs too.
Im assuming by your comments that your WW agrees to NO CONTACT for life? Have you ordered or started reading Surviving an Affair? Is she willing to engage in a plan of Marital Recovery?

No. Your wife CHOSE not to remove herself. Period. To paraphrase a former poster here, Noodle, I presume your wife was functioning and not curled up in the fetal position in a corner eating her hair, correct? Unless that was the case Mike, your wife was not incapable of ending the affair that she chose to actively participate in.

She was no victim.

Now, onwards and upwards. You need a PLAN, Mike. I read earlier in your thread that the two of you intend on beginning "joint marriage counseling". I would advise against that. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate -- they are essentially "Divorce Counselors". They don't usually know the first thing about the dynamics of adultery, nor how to help a couple recover from it.

Your best bet would be to set-up an appointment with Steve Harley for marriage coaching. He will provide you guys with a definitive PLAN -- Something SOLID. You desperately need that type of directive guidance right now, Mike. It will be your saving grace -- a life preserver. It will be the best money you will ever spend. Will you call the Harleys, Mike? MB Coaching Center Link

Mrs. W

ITA with Mrs Wondering, Steve. You need a plan and you need the Harleys.

You seem to be leading this with your emotions which as any BS can attest to, can take you in 20 different directions all in one day.

Have you considered ADs? The weeks/months after dday can be brutal and even Dr Harley recommends them if you are having trouble...

And lastly, ITA with what mb said earlier. NEVER share OMW emails with your W. That is going to trigger her.
The first part of your plan is that your WW is to NEVER NEVER see or talk to OM EVER again. She SHOULD NOT have called OM, no matter what the reason was. It doesn't matter what you believe about your W's sincerity or desire to recover. This rule is never to be broken...ever.

Yes, Ive ordered the books and we plan to read them cover to cover. Shes on board. I got all the exposure I need and Im not looking for more. Im looking to put all thats been exposed behind me. THATS what I hope these books can do for me. Thats where my demons live.

Mike,

A fully burnt out coke addict doesn't "like" cocaine either, but that does not mean that they don't still have a vulnerability and addiction to it -- Right now, like any other addict who has felt a recent sting due to their addiction, the feel of the burn of the addiction is FRESH for your wife, but that WILL wear off and she will forget the pain associated with the addictive substance [OM] -- Will power is VERY unreliable. That is why recovering addicts and alcoholics do not go hang out in bars or with people that use all the time. Addicts must take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to separate themselves from their addiction -- for LIFE.

No contact means no contact.

Mrs. W

Ive said many times. My wife was a willing participant even when, as she says, it got less fun for her. She did it. Shes admits it. She could have left it. She didnt. Not defending her in anyway.

Mike,

Will you call the Harleys?

Mrs. W

Unfortunately, since contact between your WW and the OM resumed yesterday, you have been placed back to Day 1 of recovery. This is why extraordinary precautions should be taken to avoid contact. It is ok for YOU to be in touch with the OMW but it is NOT ok for your wife to be in touch with either of them.

I would also suggest that if you have the same circle of friends as the OM and OMW, that you tell those friends about the affair and find some new friends. I haven't read this whole thread so maybe that is not the case. If not, just ignore this part.

I agree with the others about your wife's involvement in this affair. Husbands have a tendency to portray their WW's as mere children who were manipulated by an predator, but that is rarely the case. If she is a big enough gurl to drive a car, she is big enough to be held accountable as a thinking adult. She is not a child..

This is very unrealistic. She does have thoughts about him and all those feelings that led to her affair were triggered yesterday with the renewed contact. She might be telling YOU she has no thoughts of him, but that is dishonest. An affair is an addiction, those thoughts do not just go away.

I am still catching up, but this comment from your wife was very alarming, Mike. This is another example of your W being in contact with the OM. Unless this is tightened up, you are facing a resumption of the affair. Ending contact means SHE takes steps to ensure he NEVER gets through. Has this been changed?